Gross Movie Reviews #400

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Gross Movie Reviews #400

 

Zombie Croc (DVD) – There has been a disturbance in the small southern town of Raven’s Neck. The deputy Rivera is sent to investigate and all can be found is bloody human remains everywhere. Believed it was an animal attack the sheriff is not all too concerned with Popa Chicken and his hatred for the town’s mayor. Popa Chicken disgusted with the eviction notices so he and his friends can be moved out for big business Popa brings forth a giant croc. While the croc causes havoc in the woods the town’s only hope is the deputy and a guy called “Crocodile Jack”! As usual filmmaker Robert Elkins brings forth a bit of exploitation feel with lots of blood and guts on no budget. I easily could see this film on SyFy Channel or a Chiller Channel during the summer months. My only major complaint would be the running time but was warned by Mr. Elkins ahead of time as I give the monster croc film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. More about the filmmaker and his films can be found here: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

Zombie Isle (DVD) – Once again Independent filmmaker Robert Elkins keeps the motto: No budget, no problem, as some students and their professor visit an inhabited island for research. The island doesn’t even show up on most local maps. But the students and the pervy professor are in for a surprise when they show up and attacked by flesh-eaters (shades of Fulci perhaps). But the other thing waiting there is an old abandoned army station that the professor knew about and its rumors of a scientist living there? Greeted by scary German scientist guy they become witnesses to a project almost perfected since World War II. Apparently Scary German Guy is working on a formula to perfect soldiers or zombies for war! Think of ‘Outpost’ meets ‘Re-animator’ with a sprinkle of Fulci on no budget as usual as I give the flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details go check Robert at: https://www.facebook.com/robert.elkins.5 .

 

Arachnicide (DVD) – My hunger for mutant spider movies never ends as I find this oddity low budget flick about the government looking into big time drug dealer project. The project is a secret experiment on genetically-enhanced coco plants that will become full grown within hours to speed up the drug process. A small military tactical team is put together to invade a compound in Albania to destroy the heart of this experiment. Problem is the bad guys are smarter and have no plants there but genetically-enhanced spiders waiting to attack. A ‘Food of the Gods’ thing going here people as I give this oddity 1 ½ stars.

 

Anna (YouTube) – A short film that tackles two subjects in a very unique way. A young woman thought death would solve everything? But being undead and eating yourself sick doesn’t solve anything either… Pretty intelligent stuff from Forte Films Entertainment that is worth your time checking into and following them as I give it the short film 4 out of 4 stars. Find them at: www.fortefilmsentertainment.com and www.facebook.com/ForteFilmsEntertainment .

 

Easter Sunday (DVD) – Douglas Fisher is the serial killer known as “The Bunny Masked Killer” who went on a murderous rampage over 20 years ago on Easter. The police gunned him down but little they know Fisher’s offspring has survived and carries the secret of knowing who his father is. Now present day, the son Ryan Fischer and friends decide to have a drunken campfire and play with the spirit board. Ryan not believing in such a thing screams for his father to be brought back from the dead and contact them. The spirit board of course works and the spirit of Douglas Fisher now possesses Ryan and go dig up the old killer bunny mask. Now Ryan continues his father’s murderous rampage on Easter. I believe it’s a great concept for a slasher film that stars Robert Z’Dar and Ari Lehman. Plus the film has a great death scene by boiling water and has an awesome killer mask to market. But for me the film eventually falls a part in the second half with the film thinking it’s funny and no interesting characters outside of the bunny killer and Ari Lehman as the postman. I am not saying stay away from this holiday flick but I prefer ‘Easter Casket’ from Dustin Mills. You can purchase “Easter Sunday” at www.alternativecinema.com as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Sharkenstein (DVD) – In 1942 Germany, Hitler’s men raid a laboratory to steal Frankenstein’s brain and heart from a scientist for their own evil Nazi experiments. It is said that the heart and brain of the monster cannot be destroyed? Who said this is unknown? But fast forward to present time where vacationers have been disappearing at “Katzman Cove”.  A vacationing family has boat troubles and stumble upon a guy and his horrible German accent that has created ‘Sharkenstein’. A killer shark with the brain and heart of Frankenstein that is an unstoppable force! This horror mash-up is everything and more you expect from Polonia Brothers Entertainment. The only thing missing is Jon McBride randomly showing up as I give this hilarious mash-up 2 stars.

 

Yoga Hosers (DVD) – This latest Kevin Smith film stars Smith’s and Johnny Depp’s kids as “The Colleens” who are clerks at a convenience store in Winnipeg, Canada. The job is tough enough to work on a Friday night but when you are high school sophomores denied a chance to a senior party, it sucks. After learning about Canadian Nazis and fighting with their Phys. Ed. Teacher about real yoga in school they must go to the store. Once there they are greeted by little mini-Hitler sausage people known as the Bratzis. If things could not get worse the senior boy Hunter they adore invites himself and his bro to party at the store to sacrifice the girls to Satan because it is so metal! The boys are killed by the Bratzis and the girls are thrown in jail until they are broken out by Mr. Guy Lapointe to find the secret passage of the Bratzis to fight the evil. This “check your brain at the door” flick is absolutely hilarious and if by some chance you do not like it I say “sorry aboot that”. I give Smith’s latest 3 ½ stars.

 

Logan (Theater) – Damn this movie was really good! We are thrusted into the year 2029 where there is no more mutants (not fully explained but pay attention there are hints), Logan is a drunk and old and old Professor X is a babbling swearing idoit in Mexico. Wolverine just wants to make enough money to buy a boat for Professor X and himself and end it all. Calls it their only safe place left. But one night Logan is approached by a woman who wants to pay him for safe passage to a location in North Dakota for unknown reasons. After a second encounter he is introduced to a little girl named Laura, a mutant. Not wanting anything to do with this Logan takes the money knowing full well people will come looking and wanting to kill him and Professor X. But Laura aka X-23 is what Professor X has been ranting about and believes she is the answer, the hope they look for? Reluctantly as Logan knows he is dying he drives Professor X and the mutant Laura north to get them to Canada. But as Logan learns more about her he begins to feel for her as he knows she will have to face what he has always tried to run from? The film is by far the most violent of any X-men related films or Marvel (exception of Blade). The film is gritty, real, and just a bad ass superhero film that I know I have wanted (because of X-23) but fans of Wolverine for quite a while. This stand-alone movie proves violent comic book movies can be made and make a shitload of cash for the Hollywood execs! I won’t say it is the best flick of 2017 but don’t be surprised it shows up on my list at the end of the year as I give 4 stars.

 

Breeders (DVD) – I believe this hilarious flick where every woman must be naked is from the same guy that gave us ‘Mutant Hunt’, Tim Kincaid. A slimy ass alien roams the streets of Manhattan looking virgin women to rape! If that isn’t enough they eventually become possessed to travel to the alien’s nest under the city. Where of course the women once there are naked and rub each other down with white goo. I swear to you this 1986 film isn’t porn? But wouldn’t have been surprised it wasn’t marketed that way in certain countries. But hopefully a detective and a very concerned doctor can stop the madness or just watch the ridiculousness of it? I give it 2 stars.

 

Kickboxer: Vengeance (DVD) – Haven’t had enough of the first five films? How about a reboot where Jean-Claude Van Damme trains Kurt Sloan to fight Tong Po aka Dave Batista after Tong killed his brother in a special underground tournament. Kurt wants revenge and of course only JCVD and some random hot ass police woman can help you in Thailand. If a fan of the series you know what you are getting yourself into as I give it 2 stars.

 

Mad Foxes (DVD) – So you are looking for lost exploitation flicks? Look no further than this Corman-inspired rampage film where for 75 minutes is a back and forth fight between Kyle Martin and a Nazi motorcycle gang for no really good reason. The film’s highlights many naked women that Kyle has sex with, lots of hairy dongs, bootleg Chuck Norris dojo and friends, Nazi gang shootings, death by gardening shears, multiple penis hackenings, exploding toilet death, a gimp, and a song by Krokus! There is no real point to the film except for having the most over the top rampage thrown in your face! I give it 3 stars, now start looking for this gem.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

 

Gross Movie Reviews #398

0

Gross Movie Reviews #398

 

Deadly Instincts (DVD) – In the U.S. this 90s flick is known as ‘Breeders’. Almost everywhere else it is known as ‘Deadly Instincts’. Believe me when you see the video box or poster you most likely walked past this flick at some point in time at a video store. A U.F.O. happens to crash land at an all-girls college, hooray for us horndogs! There is a creature inside with an alien woman also scurrying about. The creature is there to stalk beautiful women down to see who can be a suitable host for its offspring. The bodies begin piling up and no one is listening to the teacher who’s banging his favorite student. Eventually the authorities find the secret tunnels under the college and begin to investigate but are no match for the creature! We have bootleg Pumpkinhead, bootleg Julie Strain, it’s from the U.K., I am in every time as I give the 90s flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Lego Batman Movie (Theater) – We all can argue to our deaths that DC universe has fucked up a lot shit. But when it comes to “Lego Batman” they do not fuck around and take a cue from the first ‘Lego Movie’ and run with it. The film is based around Batman being awesome and the ultimate hero of course, but with Commissioner Gordon retiring and Gotham not needing Batman any longer he is lonely. But Batman has always been a loner? With the Joker in the asylum cooking up his next plan Batman comes face to face with why his life is incomplete. In a series of events of sending the Joker to the “Phantom Zone”, Joker is able to hatch his latest ultimate plan in hopes of Batman understanding he needs to hate the Joker. Batman soon understands he needs family to conquer evil. Great story and Batman fans will not be disappointed as filmmakers find a way to incorporate every incarnation of Batman and his movies throughout the film. More than likely this will be one of the best movies you watch in 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Superbeast (DVD) – An early 70s flick about a woman doctor who goes to the jungles of the Philippines to investigate a strange happening. Back in the states she is called in to do an autopsy on a man or thing that terrorized a plane on its way from the Philippines. Instead of discovering something great in evolution she discovers bootleg Dr. Moreau whose mistakes are hunted for sport by a rich dude. Somewhat boring but does have a good ending as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

House 4: Repossession (DVD) – Before you even ask I do not think any of the ‘House’ movies have anything to do with each other including part 4 that happens to star William Katt. For those who might not know Mr. Katt starred in the 80s classic original that also co-starred Richard Moll and George Wendt where his old dead army buddy kidnaps his kid. This sequel does not even come close to being that good. I also believe this movie was under a different title but somebody thought they could cash in on the title ‘House’ when William Katt was in it and they were wrong. This flick has William Katt (Roger) inherit his father’s old house. Apparently his grandfather made a blood oath and the house must stay in Roger’s family. When a tragic accident takes Roger’s life, his wife and daughter movie into the place thinking it’s the right thing to do. Until the half-brother keeps pushing for them to sell the house and strange things keep happening (a pizza that sings then gets stab to explode all over the lead actress). I give the film 1 star and still wondering if it was a true sequel where is Brion James and Lance Henriksen and shouldn’t it be called ‘The Horror Show 2’?

 

The Night Shift (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite and hardest working filmmakers Massimiliano Cerchi (say that five times fast in a Pittsburgh/yinzer accent) is back with his latest film that centers around Frank the security guard. Frank has just scored the ultimate cushy guard duty job of working overnight to watch a mansion for some rich dude. Only catch don’t fall asleep? Frank gets bored quickly but is unsure of how this is an easy deal even with Frank’s boss explaining it’s an easy deal and don’t fall asleep. Frank still unsure of the big mysterious home finds himself dozing off to sleep and being awakened by strange things. The strange things are demons fucking with Frank and clearly the best part of the film. The plot of the film is solid if it was a half hour or so? But its longer running time especially without really introducing the demons sooner may bore some viewers. Now the film only runs 65 minutes but the demons are that fucking awesome they deserved more screen time. The demons are the allure of watching this film and I would give this film a more favorable review if I got more of those bad ass creepy demons. The demons are the stars of this story and felt they needed to be fleshed out more? Hell, if they were in it more maybe this could be marketed as ‘Demons 7’ and found a way for Caroline Munro to make a cameo. I just feel when you have such cool looking and possibly interesting creatures/demons you should build the film around them not the other way around… Anyway I still got mad respect for Mr. Cerchi as a filmmaker because I have no doubt he is working on something better as I give this project 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

The Dead of Night (DVD) – Some high school students party at the cemetery all the time. So when the popular students invite the geeks to their little party site you know nothing good is going to come of it. The prank goes wrong when the two geeks are attacked by a creature that changes them and now they want to take over other students. Not a really exciting 1 star horror movie.

never-too-young-to-die

Never Too Young to Die (YouTube) – Finally this mid-80s gem will find its way onto Blu-ray and all will be right with the world as I spent most of the 90s looking for this flick. The most random action thriller that stars a young John Stamos as Stargrove, a cross-dressing villain named Ragnar played by Gene Simmons, Vanity as a secret agent, and Robert Englund for five minutes as a sadistic mad computer bomber! It played a few times on HBO in the mid-80s and all but disappeared the video stores I frequented and when I explained it (pre-internet) people thought I made it up? Lance Stargrove is a gymnast whose father is a legendary secret government agent who is killed by Ragnar and his fingernail for a program disk that could poison the water supply for a hundred years. When the disk cannot be found Ragnar sits back to allow Lance to find the disk for him. Lance finds out with his father’s death he inherits a farm where Vanity rides horses and random extras from the Mad Max films show up looking to kill for the disk! The movie has at least ten ideas crammed into one film in a good way and may be the best film featuring Gene Simmons. The movie is one big fun random mess that I enjoy still 30 years later as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Stryker (DVD) – I found another post-apocalyptic film from the Philippines that Roger Corman’s production company produced that begins with the phrase “whoever controls the water controls the world.” Everyone is looking for water in the wastelands: midgets, women in shoulder pads, men in S&M gear but a man named Stryker roams the wastelands defending people against evil. When he finds a woman whose colony has an endless supply of water he must help and defend her and her colony from all who will kill for it. I give the flick 1 ½ stars but this is the first of many post-apocalyptic flicks from our buddy who gave us: Equalizer 2000, Future Hunters, Wheels of Fire, and a few others. You can see what he perfected over the series of films go along in the 80s…

 

Ebola Zombies (DVD) – It begins and ends with a bunch of political mumbo jumbo comparing zombies to soulless people of today. An Asian zombie film about a jewelry heist that goes sideways when the thieves find a scientist experimenting with the SARS and Ebola virus. Zombies everywhere and slow motion fight scenes make me wanna puke and have nightmares of the ‘Resident Evil’ sequels. I give it 0 stars.

 

Mom (DVD) – A strange and interesting werewolf film from the early 90s about Nester (Brion James) who happens to infect a news anchor’s mom when renting a room from her. The news anchor scrambles to keep his mother in check as she goes out at night to feed on humans. When her son questions why she does it and answer is, “I’m hungry and it helps my arthritis.” It’s a fun lower budgeted werewolf flick that I wouldn’t be surprised it was made two or three years before its release as it doesn’t fit the time. But the appeal of Brion James and cheesy werewolf effects make this a must watch for us movie nerds as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ice Soldiers (DVD) – Michael Ironside and Dominic Purcell are part of a secret research team looking into the mysterious events in Canadian Artic in 1962 and trying to tap the land for oil. The story goes with everyone paying attention to the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 while three soldiers in Swiss uniforms are found in the artic after a plane crash. They kill all who is there except a woman scientist who is raped. 50 years pass and now a new team is there to possibly find out answers. They get more than they bargain for when the soldiers unfreeze and begin killing again as they have a mission to complete. The film is a really cool B-movie action/thriller surprise you are not expecting if you enjoy these types of films. Plus Michael Ironside… 3 stars, enough said.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html