Gross Movie Reviews #585

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Werewolf by Night (Disney Plus) – First I believe this caught some horror fans by surprise this was made and taken seriously. Based on some comics this film takes a stylish approach of making it look old school which worked out well in my opinion from the actors to the werewolf itself. But the center of the film is the “Master of the Bloodstone” has died and there is a gathering of monster hunters to have a chance to lay claim to this stone which pretty much means royalty. Out of this group of death dealers if they survive and slay the creature that is in the maze they can lay claim to the stone but not all are who or what they seem as there is a werewolf among them. Who is the hero, who is the villain? It’s a fun quick 50 something minute movie that was a lot of fun for me to watch as I give it 3 stars.

The Curse of Bridge Hollow (Netflix) – So who would of guessed I would be watching a Marlon Wayans family Halloween film? None of you… Me neither but I took a chance and it paid off as Marlon, wife and teenage daughter move from Brooklyn to the safest small town in the U.S. only to find out they take their Halloween very seriously. The family moves to the old Hawthorne house where apparently a urban legend was born a hundred years ago. The daughter of course investigating the attic happens to stumble upon an old pumpkin or turnip lantern for technical terms and lights it. This causes a series of events that lets evil into the world forever but first it must take over everyone’s Halloween decorations. Now it’s up to the satanic collecting principal, the daughter’s new paranormal club friends, and Marlon to stop the evil before Halloween is over. Its PG-13, it is actually funny, and reminds me of “Goosebumps” so I got give it 3 stars.

Accident Man (DVD) – Scott Adkins 2018 film and possibly one his best to date that has Scott playing a hitman named Mike Fallon who makes his hits look like an accident. Things are good for Mike as he is paid well to make things look like an accident until he gets a call about his ex-girlfriend has died but things don’t add up as Mike finds out a few details. Mike quickly looks into the death and finds not only was a hit put out on her but she was pregnant with his child. Blaming himself Mike wants answers but his teacher Ray Stevenson has always said “Don’t get involved”. Mike breaks this rule immediately and after several bad ass fight scenes finds out he has been set up and her hit was ordered by his boss Milton! This not your average hitman action flick and I dare you to watch and not say this isn’t possibly one of the best Adkins starring flicks out there as I give it 4 stars.

Accident Man: Hitman’s Holiday (On Demand) – Mike Fallon is back, kind of as he has been lying low in another country for the past four years until he bumps into one of his old buddies from the firm Fred. Fred is in pursuit of his girlfriend he met online (you need to see the first film to understand the backstory of Fred). Anyhow the two become quick friends again and start up as a hitman duo and trying new techniques. After saying no to doing a hit on a mob boss’s son they are kidnapped and forced to now protect this poor soul as assassins from around the world want in on the hit that pays over 7 million dollars US! Again lots of fun, brings back a couple characters from the first film, flips the tables now for Fallon to be a bodyguard, awesome fight scenes but slips a little in the magic that was captured the first time around but still well worth the watch as I give it 3 stars.

Spookie Dookie (Blu-ray) – The talented Brian Papandrea (or the last name I cannot pronounce) and the Rock Bottom Video crew are back to give us independent film fans a trashy Halloween film that is missing from our lives. So we get a terrible Gatekeeper who dances around the cemetery to find passersby to tell scary tales too when he isn’t jerking off on them.  The trashy shorts all interconnect with old Halloween promos, commercials, Halloween news clips, and Dracula needing to see a doctor because he has AIDS! It feels like something Troma would have done in the 90s but only better as these kind folks make sure if you are looking for trash they have it for you as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Honestly the back cover of this Blu-ray if you have a chance to read will make you buy it on the spot!

Grand Samurai: A Warrior’s End (Extended Cut – Blu-ray) – So I felt it was time to sit down and watch Dan Komarek’s epic five hour film. Yes folks, “The Ninja Master” weren’t enough abuse knowing I would watch this bullshit this talented jagoff Mr. Komarek released this fucking shit! Anyhow I thought like most reviews I would try to give you the basics but not this epic film I thought I needed to share my notes as written when watching this thing last Sunday morning that led into my afternoon. Dan decided there needed to be a movie with more walking than ‘Lord of the Rings’ ever could film so eat your heart out Peter Jackson. Back to the film as it opens up very promising with this huge ‘Conan-esque’ beginning talking about a thousand years ago and now… then immediately let down with two dudes showing up on screen whatever their parents allowed them to wear that autumn weekend to shoot? You expect costumes, swords, huge swords… Nope, Dan laughs in the face of being reasonable. We get a little backstory between Paul and Lee which Paul has to train to become a samurai. Which first question that will hit your mind “Yinz know yinz are white more out of shape than I am?” But hey kids let’s not a bad idea get in the way of making a bad film as they begin to walk, then walk a little more, then walk a little more only to decide they will go on journeys for a sword and a tournament that isn’t really clarified but then walk some more. This is where Paul (yes there will be a samurai named… Paul) goes on his four or so hour journey movie time of training. If there isn’t endless narration be the Lee character aka Dan Komarek where he clearly had a tummy tuck at some point between filming there is more walking and what I feel was an hour of “In Memoriam” segment for someone I don’t know? But then it got real interesting when ‘real time filming’ by Dan Komarek happens as he films himself basically taking a spill into a raging river when misjudging some rocks to cross it just to do a random sword fight scene oh excuse me a stick fight! At one point during the first hour or two of walking it seems like the camera isn’t filming as much as stalking the Paul character who by the way is still training and looking for his friend Lee. Then when Paul cannot go any further he drops to the forest ground to start humping the ground which I read into the subtext of ‘humans raping the world’ but that can be debated another time. But hey did I mention there is a book on how to be a samurai that is introduced into the film an hour in as when approaching the 75 minute mark we get the ‘final fight’. Why do I know this? The characters only announced this several times as they try and I mean try to somersault their way off of picnic benches. But just shortly after if not paying attention we do gets bootleg Richard Moll from “Sword and the Sorcerer” sending Paul yet on another quest for a sword. So about 88 minutes they are informed this sword they are on a journey for is a sword for a tournament to end all tournaments and we haven’t even gotten to the first one. If you need a laugh the scene ends with the neighbor’s dog attacking someone off screen in the background. So as they keep walking again the two find a village where they sleep for a month (don’t ask) again this leaves the Paul character alone as he mourns for his heterosexual life mate Lee. Then there is more walking… inner monologue… more walking… Paul walks through all four seasons through the same patch of woods. Then 129 minutes in Paul gets fucked up on a snowy tree stump and instead of Dan putting down the camera he still films Paul now limping instead of walking, clearly injured… (but, it’s for the art man!)  Literally that was the point I waiting for the Benny Hill music to start as it followed a limping Paul through the snow. After more walking about the 145 minute mark we get to hear Dan Komarek directing the movie while doing a couple lines of dialogue in the mouth of a cave or I like to think a sewer pipe? With more walking comes more training and at the 165 minute mark I begin to wonder if the journey isn’t for a sword but for the two come to grips with their love for each other? I come to this conclusion as the two come to a beach in their long journey and gazing at each other while plotting on them doing more walking through the woods. Which shortly after this the filmmaker has the balls of putting an intermission in, DUDE, how about ending this fucking movie already! After regretting that there was an intermission our heroes at the 170 minute mark are back from their love fest at the beach and most likely smoking weed only to walk more. They keep saying they must finish the journey so of course there is more walking this when I notice and have come up with a drinking game those three people like me who crazy enough to watch this film to completion. Now for yinz three paying attention: every time Paul has his ninja suit on or putting it back on, drink a beer for every different shirt you see the Paul character wearing underneath? You will be drunk and that is better than watching this film again, again anyway, nine minutes I am completely convinced the film has nothing to do with samurais but two young dudes taking the long way around of just saying they love each other but just cannot find the courage to say it. At the 191 minute mark after walking more Paul lays on the ground and looks to the night sky accepting he will only be complete with his life partner Lee who has disappeared again. Finally about the 215 minute mark we finally are getting to the climax of the film as a horrible unfinished fight scene happens as minutes later Paul loses Lee as he was killed by a Chevy Corsica fender they randomly found in the creek they ran across. More walking happens and at the 248 minute mark is when Paul and Lee (who has died twice, I think) are reunited and receives the sword which the fuckers never get to be in a tournament! And what is this fucking Dan Komarek ends this fucking “EPIC” with a ‘to be continued’… WTF dude! Dan I love you brother, I think you are a fine editor and cinematographer but stop digging this absurd bullshit up and make something new. You have the talent to do it so give me a break as this epic is epic I cannot even give it a rating as much dare someone to watch it all the way through like I did so I am not the only psycho.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #576

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Noah’s Shark (DVD) – Mark Polonia and his usual suspects are back with another no budget shark movie where when Noah built the ark there was a demon shark or some shit? Now present day, a troubled priest and his video crew search for the ark when a hot redhead isn’t on screen and they talk about ‘Witches of Endor’. Which isn’t that the place where the Ewoks are from? Anyway they head to the forest to search for this ark and end up in a bootleg Talking Heads video after 60 minutes of film… Yes kids, this one was bad from the get go and did I mention there is barely a shark in this as I give this film zero stars!

The Glove (DVD) – John Saxon is a bounty hunter who plays it safe and collects on the little bounties to stay out of trouble and keep his health. Rosey Grier is a big ass man with a riot glove that when he isn’t fucking up Ford Pintos he is planning revenge against some prison guards and executing them. But with a divorce and a gambling problem Saxon’s character the $20,000 price tag to bring Rosey in too hard to pass up in this late 70s action/exploitation flick as I give it 3 stars.

Scavenger (DVD) – A newer low budget post-apocalyptic film out of Argentina that follows the female character Tisha who is an organ dealer that gets mixed up in a world of sex, drugs, and gore. Lots of crazy Mad Max shit going on with a good mix of gore but the film drags big time as the story gets stuck in boredom when Tisha is drugged up and a sex slave for over half of the film. This film starts off wonderful paying homage to George Miller and his post-apocalyptic world but fails miserably before the film ever ends as I hated to give this a bad rating because I wanted to love this but only find myself giving it one out of four stars. It had the cars, the set design, the music, just couldn’t get the story together at all…

Death Screams (DVD) – A lesser known slasher film of sorts from 1982 that is also known under the title of “House of Death” got a DVD release in 2021. A small town where not much goes on until someone picks up a machete and decides it is time to slice their way through the town’s population. This slasher isn’t anything special and might be the reason this is a lesser known slasher but if you are a collector or a completest you most likely want to check this out for a watch as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Bigfoot vs. Megalodon (DVD) – It was time to walk down the “WTF?” road again and watch the sequel to “Bigfoot vs. Illuminati”. Yes, I cannot help myself but to watch garbage as this story takes place in 4045 and Van Helsing clone and his best friend Bigfoot are back to take on a Nazi-born experiment (Megalodon). This animated feature didn’t take long to get stupid and boring and just like the entry before was just a bad idea as I give it 0 stars.

Blood Bite (DVD) – First we need to go through this new shark film alternate title: Blood Shark, Horror Shark, and something in Chinese I can’t pronounce. But anyway if you needed “The Meg” rip-off you got one and of course nothing can go wrong when you experiment on sharks? Doesn’t take long for the CGI shark to get smarter and more pissed off and me wanting to just watch “Bad CGI Sharks” instead of this bad entry into the shark genre as I give it 0 stars.

Bull Shark (DVD) – Our story takes place in a small Texas town where the small town and its game warden have a shark in fresh water issue. The film has a great serious shark feel to it, set design, great actors, but the story is piss poor for going with the serious shark plotline. The days of a backasswards town mayor having the power to keep people quiet, not letting video of the shark get out, and any information about it being in the lake storyline have died. The “Jaws” storyline is weak if you are actually trying for a serious shark film, hell it barely works as comedy for the outlandish mutant shark films as it is overdone. Funny part is I enjoy everything else about the film and loved the Nolan Ryan plaque in the game warden’s office too but I can’t help but stress it’s time to rethink shark films if you go in the serious direction as I give this 1 star.

Maggots (DVD) – Aspiring scientist who is still a college student Stan convinces his professor to travel to a small town called Beaver Kill. There he believes he can prove contamination in the water is causing mutation among the animal and insect population but there is a catch? The professor forces a few failing students upon Stan for this weekend trip if he wants his extra credit and possibly his degree. Stan not expecting much than gathering samples for his paper gets a big surprise after he and his amateur research group do shrooms as that is when the action really begins. The giant maggots begin to attack trying to suck the heads off of humans in this throwback of late 80s and 90s mutant monster films as I give this hilarious unknown horror film 3 stars.

The Big F (Blu-ray) – A 2016 feature from the Rock Bottom Video crew where writer/director Brian Papandrea gets the talented crew Sadie Tate, Nathan Rumler, and others into a Bigfoot on the loose in a neighborhood on Valentine’s Day film. Bigfoot is horny and pissed off after escaping his basement prison and decides to terrorize a little housing division. But a redneck named Maverick is born ready to take on this hairy beast after it murdered his wife! What Maverick doesn’t know is Bigfoot has a small penis and really just wants laid on this Valentine’s Day. The Blu-ray has a commentary, behind the scenes segment, and two short films with one of them being a very hilarious short called, “Afro Zombies” featuring a much younger Brian Papandrea it seems? As usual more fun stuff from the Rock Bottom Video crew as give this package 3 out of 4 stars.

Wolves of Wuhan (DVD) – An Indy film out of China that I of course had to watch, because it is complete hot garbage where an ex-con/bar manager/punk rock band vocalist gets caught up with drug dealing thugs and has sex with a woman who also happens to be a CGI werewolf! Sounds like it has a little potential on paper but the acting is stale, the effects make my movies look like Oscar-winners, and the story was beyond terrible from the beginning. I give it 0 stars as I knew it was a bad idea from the beginning to watch this but hey you knew I had too.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #574

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Gross Movie Reviews #574

Doctor Death Seeker of Souls (DVD) – This hilariously fun horror flick from the early 70s centers around a man name Fred who is trying to get over his wife’s death and feeling somewhat guilty? Last thing she said to Fred is, “she will return to him”. Fred hanging on to this spends several months tracking down séances, etc., trying to contact his wife, but no luck. Fred is introduced to Doctor Death who has a mysterious past and works like a magician but not so fast he has some dark powers of transference or transferring a soul to another body for a certain fee of course. Doctor Death is paid $50000 by Fred but nothing happens… Disgusted by the act Fred calls it quits and starts bumping uglies with his hot assistant. But Doctor Death cannot let it go and begins a murder spree of women trying to make this one transference right? I believe this glorious 70s cheese still works and worth checking it out like I did if you never heard of it as I give it 3 stars.

The Weirdsies (Blu-ray) – One of the last films from Indy filmmaker Chris Seaver in 2015 who now has turned to doing episodic TV for his You Tube channel did a disturbing parody of ‘Stand by Me’. A funny but yet disturbing adventure of four friends who want to lose their “V-card” during the summer. Their adventure is because they know about a dead body and the plan is to go to it and fuck the shit out of it because supposedly after death the male boner stays erect for 48 hours? (I wasn’t going to look this shit up but you gotta admit, real or not, that’s funny.) If that wasn’t enough there is a group of bullies that want to beat these four virgins to the punch by finding the body first to ruin a good time. And for just for extra spice there is about 40 second-rant about running into cannibal hipsters that I am still laughing about many days after watching. Chris Seaver: intelligent, dumb, or indifferent I was never a huge fan of his work but throughout his independent film career he does seem to surprise me with a project where I believe he shows off a talent that separates himself from just being average. As he proves one more time with this timeless funny adventure I give 3 out of 4 stars.      

The Scarlet Agency (DVD) – Witch Doctor Films is back with another entry into the “Anton Rook” series. Anton Rook is no longer a trusted man by the agency but things change when an evil man may have found a way to produce an invisible man that would lead to making an invisible army for world domination. This invisible man seeks out Rook’s help to try and stop this madman and with Rook’s new protégé they craft a plan but as usual not all as it seems in Rook’s universe as no one can ever be trusted. As usual this independent film is well-crafted and goes from just feeling another fan-made episode of ‘Doctor Who’ to reaching deeper into the character of Rook and making it more of a well-crafted Indy James Bond flick! Well done my friends at Witch Doctor Films as yinz continue to go against the grain and produce some different and exciting independent projects to sometimes a stale genre of filmmaking as I give the film 3 out of 4 stars.

Blood Thirst (DVD) – A lesser known murder/mystery from the Philippines where several murders have taken place where women have been strung up and drained of blood. Miguel the lead investigator has a world renowned detective friend in New York and has asked him into his country to help solve these vicious murders. The detective a super white dude acts as a tourist to not attract attention while helping Miguel but both uncover something more sinister than they ever thought as the bloodless bodies continue to pile up! Maybe not the best serial killer film but definitely a good one from 1971 that has a little twist to what exactly is going on as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Without Warning (Blu-ray) – This is 1980 alien invasion flick that has a lot of cool people infront of the camera and behind the camera at the same time. An alien has landed on Earth in a mountain countryside of course where it is able to do its thing without question. A couple of cub scouts and hunters hanging out in the woods find this out the hard way as the alien throws starfish blood suckers at them like ninja stars! After some friends get separated and a couple become dinner for the killer starfish and alien their friends want revenge and go to the local tavern to meet up with a crazy war vet and a mean loner. The second half of the film is mostly the characters of Sarge and Taylor fighting over who is going to kill the alien instead of actually doing the deed. The Blu-ray has a few interesting extras that make this package exciting for horror film collectors to have their collection but I have always viewed this film as “one of those should have been better with all who were attached?” as I give the film 2 stars but the Blu-ray package itself 3 ½ stars.

Slugs (Blu-ray) – Plain and simple this is a horror film about killer slugs! A small rural town where people are getting eaten up killer slugs that may have mutated in the sewers when they were disturbed by a new strip mall project. The project is being built on top of an old chemical dumping area during the 60s and 70s and they have broken the seal causing the slugs to feast on human flesh! The heroes are two utility workers who must figure a way out to kill these things before they infest the whole town. The Blu-ray is well worth investment if a fan of the film as not only the film looks great restored as I believe for decades we all had that VHS/DVD release? But also this package has a couple commentaries and a few short interviews that leads into why and where this movie got made which I never knew the film was Spanish, cool shit people. I give this new Blu-ray package of ‘Slugs’ 3 ½ stars.

Homebodies (VHS) – This is a creepy and disturbing mid-70s film that may stick with you as a group of older folk are being driven out of their homes in the name of progress. Their buildings have been condemned and slowly they are being escorted out of their apartments where their have lived most of their adult lives. With construction happening all around them the leader of their group Mattie has a plan as she likes to watch the work go on or I should say her plan go into action? The group slowly sabtoges the new construction in order to have their evictions delayed but the rich boss doesn’t care how many of his crew die its progess! But these old folk will kill whoever gets in their way. It is terribly sad, hilarious, and screwed up all at the same time with an ending I really enjoyed. Been looking for a lesser sadistic horror film to brighten your day look no further than this film as I give the 1974 feature 3 stars.

Miami Connection (DVD) – Ninjas, a biker gang, with cocaine fighting a pop band in Miami who also just happen know martial arts… Yep, I will watch that shit! This 1987 film is like one big 86 minute fight scene that includes cheesy music that feels like it was stolen from an early Nintendo game as I give it 2 ½ stars for just entertaining the hell out of me.

A Meowy Dark Timeline (www.SteveBuster.com) – So Steve Rudzinski fans, Steve continues to make entertaining content for his streaming service outside of his wonderful features as this one is a short five part series that involves all the characters you know and love. The evil emperor is in another universe and has found a way to conquer this alternate universe as it fights its way through several of Steve’s characters from past films. This is a project full of heart for all those people who nerd out over what the talented Mr. Rudzinski has created over the years. You will laugh, you might cry, but Steve knows what to give his fans when it comes to content. So you asked for it and Steve provides as I give this short series project 4 out of 4 stars for the mere reason finding a way to include everything and available at www.stevebuster.com or on Blu-ray at www.silverspotlightfilms.com .

Hell of the Evil Dead (Blu-ray) – Rock Bottom Video who continue to produce smart and different horror titles for the Indy world to eat up has this fun project from a few years back that stars the talents of Brian Papandrea, Sadie Tate, and Nathan Rumler. This isn’t your ordinary feature as they go with a dubbed Italian version (regular English version is on the Blu-ray) to give the feature even more of a fun “Italian filmmaking feel” and it worked. Four friends go camping and stumble upon a graveyard out in the forest that after finding it weird things begin to happen: the path disappears, weird creature like sounds, and day turns to night without changing back. The four move deeper into the woods hoping to outlast or outrun this evil presence but things only get much worse when they find a trailer/cottage with a lone survivor to tell his story of what happened. Great acting, love the whole Italian dubbed thing as it gave the film a whole different feel to it, great pacing, and some good special effects work (head exploding). Indy fan don’t let the title fool you this film needs to be seen. Plus, there is a couple extras that include a disturbing “lost scene” from the film that needs to be witnessed (Thank you Nathan Rumler and Brian Papandrea for not taking yourselves too serious, that extra is glorious) as I give this film 3 ½ out of 4 stars. (Rock Bottom Video can be found on Facebook)

Robo Warriors (DVD/YouTube) – Kids, ‘Robot Jox 3’ or ‘2’ has been found… Wait a second there was another one? Yep, I didn’t know either until I was watching something that was sent to me by a great movie friend. The film is based on Stuart Gordon characters, has Richad Band’s music, giant robots fighting in the future for mankind, distributed by Paramount… Sounds like a sequel to me!? Anyway, by 2036 some aliens invade Earth and are complete dicks as they enslave mankind. A group of resistance fighters led by James Remar make their way into a jungle to recover an Earthbot. This is their only chance to survive and protect the planet. The mission fails but Remar’s character Gibson escapes and disappears. Some time passes but a kid has done his research and believes he can get the Earthbot going again if he can find it? With the help of Gibson they retrieve it and give humans hope again but they must use it to fight in one huge Robot battle with control of the world in the balance. Full Moon and Empire fans will go ape shit over watching this and if they never had the pleasure of stumbling over this feature as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!