Gross Movie Reviews #363

By Tim Gross

Cooties (On Demand) – There are recalls on all chicken tenders coming out of the ‘Happy Poultry’ Corporation in Fort Chicken, Illinois. And a little girl at the Fort Chicken Elementary Summer School has found the tainted tender. She becomes slowly infected, meanwhile Elijah Wood is Clint Hanson who just happens to be a substitute teacher at the school and witnesses the little girl biting a piece of a boy’s face off! The infection spreads quickly and during recess the kids begin cannibalizing the teachers. The teachers fear for their lives as they become torn to pieces by infected children and try to survive the outbreak. Love this concept for a horror film and surprised it hasn’t been used already as I give the gory little film 3 stars. Plus I love the scene where they drug the infected kids with Ritalin and there is a “Commando” movie reference.

D.C. Cab (DVD) – A stupid but brilliant early 80s film about Washington D.C. cab drivers. The film has one of the best casts for a comedy ever and centers around Adam Baldwin’s character hitchhiking from down south to become a cab driver. Marsha Warfield, Mr. T just to name a couple but fat Gary Busey is at his best in this hilarious film. Worth revisiting now and again as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Why Horror? (On Demand) – A documentary from Tal Zimerman who is a self-proclaimed “huge horror fan” like the rest of us. Tal takes us viewers on an interesting ride through the history of horror films and his own experiences with horror movies over the years. Pointing out all the peaks and valleys of horror film and all the great people in the genre. An interesting movie that can be done 500 different ways but this dude got his financed and out there so kudos to him as I enjoyed it. If anything it spends almost the whole time highlighting how cool horror movies can be as I give the documentary 3 stars.

Die Die Delta Pi (DVD) – The film begins in Spring 1986 where the Delta Pi sisters are deciding what they are going to do on spring break. But before they do anything they have the Toga party on the beach with the boys to haze the new girl Marissa. Things go wrong and Marissa catches on fire, several sisters are found murdered, and the house mother is missing. 27 years later the Delta Pi sorority has reopened at Sun State University. And according to one crazy old sorority sister ‘The Burnt One’ is coming! If that isn’t enough the new sisters are reestablishing the annual bonfire and tell the story of what happened many moons ago. Soon the new sisters are being murdered one by one. A fun, entertaining, and nostalgic independent horror film that does a great job fitting in with the likes of “Slaughter High, Killer Party, Cheerleader Camp, etc.” It is missing the corny 80s music soundtrack or even corny music video but does redeem itself with a great death scene on a gas grill. This type of film always wins my horror movie heart as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and available on amazon.com.

Croczilla (DVD) – This dude in China raises a pet giant crocodile only to sell it and its babies to a crooked dude who wants to sell the meat at his restaurant. Soon the giant crocodile gets pissed and loose then begins to wreck everything outside of Beijing, China. The movie takes a comedic twist when the giant croc swallows a woman’s bag of euros and she wants them back as it’s her life savings. Entertaining at times but has some hokey effects at times also. So for that I give it 2 stars as its no “Killer Crocodile’ or “Alligator”.

Avengers Grimm (DVD) – Casper Van Dien plays Rumpelstiltskin who leads a revolution against Snow White and her kingdom. During the fight they get thrown through the magic mirror into present earth time. But by time the princesses find a way through Rumpelstiltskin has already set up shop and has an evil plan to take over the world. And the princesses become superheroes… yes it was that terrible as I give it 0 stars as Asylum should stick to “Sharknado”.

Lost After Dark (DVD) – The slasher flick begins in 1977 Michigan as we are treated to a woman being chased and hacked to pieces by a bear trap in the opening minute of the film. Seven years later some teenagers plan on skipping out on the school dance, steal a school bus, and party at a cabin for the weekend. Two problems: first the bus breaks down and they go looking for help, second Robert Patrick is the vice principal and he decides to take matters into his own hands by tracking down his kids and the bus. But they all get fucked up by the cannibalistic hippie who has lived for many years on his own deep in the woods. An urban legend of sorts… The storyline isn’t breaking new ground but the film does sport some beautiful, gooey, bloody wet goodies throughout each murder scene. Another fun nostalgic slasher film worth putting on your watch list as I give it 3 stars.

Grabbers (DVD) – An Irish creature feature about sea creatures that attack an Irish village that survive only on water and blood. So the answer to defeating them is going to the tavern and getting the whole village drunk! Love the Irish as they keep it simple, funny, and have some bad ass sea creatures. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

Mercenaries (DVD) – The main plot is a female version of “The Expendables” or even “Escape from New York” of female prisoners are sent on a mission to rescue a diplomat. Cynthia Rothrock plays the president and Zoe Bell kicks some ass but the film lacks some direction and thought could have been better in the long run if they wouldn’t have rushed the project out there a couple years back. I give it 2 stars.

Turbo Kid (On Demand) – Another film that is a throwback as it acts like a 80s flick set in a 1997 post-apocalyptic world that just happens to be a Canadian/New Zealand co-production. A kid who is surviving on his own with his BMX bike collects relics from the world that use to be and live alone in his bunker. From time to time he goes to trade stuff for water and a new comic book! He comes across a girl while reading his comic book and they soon become friends but are thrusted into harm’s way when ultra-evil dude Michael Ironside captures the girl and Turbo Kid tries to save her a couple times. The film is like a blend of every sci-fi PG-13 film that showed on HBO Saturday mornings during the 1980s. And for me I am all in on enjoying such an over the top entertaining flick. The characters, the weapons, and the over the top violence make this film a gem as I give it 3 ½ stars.

Mimesis (DVD) – Some people get drugged and dragged off to a farmhouse to be dressed like characters from the “Night of the Living Dead” film and be a part of some twisted role-playing game. Soon the people figure out what’s going on and begin fighting the zombies’ aka real life psychos who claim the movies made them do it. A different horror movie concept but using “Night of the Living Dead” as the backdrop is just too easy for the cash in instead of trying to use maybe an obscure horror flick or something that wouldn’t give your horror film as much backlash. Also I was disappointed in the film overall but understood why they went with it but still only give the film 1 ½ stars.

Winners Tape All: The Henderson Brothers (Vimeo) – Independent filmmaker Justin Channell gets the band back together (Zane Crosby and Josh Lively) to put out a mockumentary about two famous brothers who made backyard horror flicks in the 80s. Justin smartly uses the VHS collector’s boom the past several years as the backdrop of the story. Henry Jacoby, VHS enthusiast, gets the ball rolling on how video stores were getting rid of VHS tapes for nearly nothing when DVD hit big and Henry discovered The Henderson Brothers films. “The Curse of Stabberman” and “Cannibal Swim Club” are the masterpieces of the Henderson Brothers. And Henry takes great joy in this as the brothers are brought together to discuss their projects, how they were made, and where they go from here? Especially now their long awaited project “Father’s Day of the Dead” is being financed by Henry’s Blood and Guts Video. Justin and company give a funny look inside look of what has gone on the past several years in the horror genre. And if I could describe this movie in the best way possible I would say “The Spinal Tap of the shot-on-video genre”. This movie had me laughing out loud several times throughout just for the mere reason I have watched many shot-on-video movies but their rereleases on DVD and VHS (again) and Justin did a great job bringing this project to life. When they talk about anyone that was involved with the two projects are dead I had tears coming out of my eyes laughing. If you are a hardcore movie/VHS tape collector and know humor this film is perfect for you as I give it 4 out 4 stars.

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