Tag Archives: China

Gross Movie Reviews #604

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Massacre at Femur Creek (YouTube) – A (2014) 19 minute short film set in June 1984 at Cherry Hill, Ontario and now has a crowd funding campaign going to remake it and make it a feature. Three young men head to the woods for a birthday bash and talk about some funny shit. But unbeknownst to them they have a sleazy masked stalker that interrupts their man gathering and hilarity ensues as I give the Canadian short film 3 stars.

Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune (DVD) – The movie starts off well with a spaceship landing near an oversexed couple in their tent who also have just been attacked by an escaped mental patient then attacked by the space vampire. We flash forward to the next day where we are introduced to five friends who are heading out for a weekend of partying and the movie spending a good amount of time building up their characters. Once at the cabin the space vamp begins stalking them. I really liked the premise of the film, how it started, but the film felt a bit stretched out and the filmmaker wasn’t sure what they wanted to do with the script if that makes sense. I could only give it 1 ½ stars as I would like to hear from other people who may have seen it or going to in hopes it was just me.

Land Shark (DVD) – A mutant shark film from China in an attempt to catch lightning in a bottle: “The Meg”, “Deep Blue Sea”, insert popular shark film that uses cancer research as the backdrop for a shark film. Of course the cancer research is promising but the mutant shark is man-made through scientists using other animal genes where the shark jumps on land to chase said scientists through a jungle. Sounds fun but just never captures that ‘it’ factor to separate this from being just another boring shark film as I give it 1 star.

Murderbot (Tubi/Full Moon) – A 45 minute film from Jim Wynorski who worked with Full Moon on this project that stars a bootleg version of Julie Strain as a runaway robot. For whatever dumb reason the film is also known as “Killbots” but anyhow bootleg Julie Strain is supposed to be a military project that just so happens to decide it wants to go off on its own. She enters a small town and begins to kill the townsfolk because that is what she is programmed to do. Enter a group of unlikable young people who within seconds of arriving begin running for their lives. The beauty of the film is that it is only 45 minutes as I give it a ½ star and good luck if you go watch it?

Terror Trips (DVD) – A group of six friends out of Cincinnati, Ohio who are also horror movie fans decide to go into a new business venture where they check out horror movie locations and come with a way for people to stay there for an overnight event or something… Six months pass for the group and they head to Poland aka Indiana farm land I believe to scout another famous movie location. There the group quickly finds out stupid Americans are frowned upon and they kidnap them for organ harvesting. The film thinks big but cannot execute to its full potential besides the movie could of went in a totally different direction than ‘Hostel’ as I give it 1 ½ stars or it isn’t terrible but not good either.

Kill Her Goats (DVD) – The film begins with explaining a family home and the events that are about to unfold after the purchase where a young woman gets the house as a gift and some neighbors are not happy. Most of the film is Audra and her two friends enjoying the new home giving each other a few jump scares and walking around topless most of the time for no reason. Eventually a person in a goat mask comes to stalk the three girls but not really with a little bit of gore? Very hard to explain as this is an example of the trailers is way better than the final product. You could even make the argument that they use the nudity as a crutch as there wasn’t much story to tell but feel you would be wasting your breath on an actual intelligent conversation about this film as I give it maybe a ½ star. Again I really wanted to like this horror movie but after watching it, maybe it was doomed before it ever got started?

Horrorama (DVD-R) – A 1987 SOV flick that got finished in 1989 and found some kind of small release again in 2014 that is hosted by a disgusting undead host named Scarlet Fry who takes you through some tales of terror. The shorts are pretty quick, hilarious, and entertaining as SOV fans may want to seek this one out just for the mere reason to see blood squirt from off screen for a gore scene and it’s nowhere near where the action is taking place. Oh a wonderful look at the old days of no budget magic as I give it 2 ½ stars.

When a Killer Calls: The Babysitter Massacre (DVD) – A bright young woman named Trisha heads to her latest babysitting gig to take care of Molly for the night. Not too long after the parents leave Trisha begins getting odd phone calls on her cell including blaming her boyfriend for the (*67) phone calls? Remember the film is from 2006 but anyway you have seen the film several times before but I will give kudos to Asylum Entertainment with not taking the easy way out with cheeseball moments and trying to make the “killer is calling from in the house” film. Once the boyfriend shows up and brings friends that is when the massacre begins… sort of as I give the movie 2 stars.

The Prey: Legend of Karnoctus (DVD) – A newer B-horror film that tries to give fans a splash of four different films into one: Predator, The Descent, Graveyard Shift, and Dog Soldiers. Stocking the cast with familiar faces that the horror community will recognize as our story takes place in Afghanistan where some old military dudes are planning a heist. Meanwhile a young group of soldiers on patrol nearby get pinned down by an enemy force and head inside a cave that gets closed off by a rocket. Now trapped young stunned soldiers and a couple of old military dudes must get on the same page and start their long trek through the labyrinth in order to survive. But none of them were counting on dealing with a pissed off Afghan Sasquatch as it’s referred to many times in the movie. Not a huge budget, you hired some cool people to be on screen for a scene or two, and you have kind of a cool monster in a cave? Yep, I am in every time just to give it a chance as I liked it enough to give it 2 ½ stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #363

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Gross Movie Reviews #363

 

By Tim Gross

 

Cooties (On Demand) – There are recalls on all chicken tenders coming out of the ‘Happy Poultry’ Corporation in Fort Chicken, Illinois. And a little girl at the Fort Chicken Elementary Summer School has found the tainted tender. She becomes slowly infected, meanwhile Elijah Wood is Clint Hanson who just happens to be a substitute teacher at the school and witnesses the little girl biting a piece of a boy’s face off! The infection spreads quickly and during recess the kids begin cannibalizing the teachers. The teachers fear for their lives as they become torn to pieces by infected children and try to survive the outbreak. Love this concept for a horror film and surprised it hasn’t been used already as I give the gory little film 3 stars. Plus I love the scene where they drug the infected kids with Ritalin and there is a “Commando” movie reference.

 

D.C. Cab (DVD) – A stupid but brilliant early 80s film about Washington D.C. cab drivers. The film has one of the best casts for a comedy ever and centers around Adam Baldwin’s character hitchhiking from down south to become a cab driver. Marsha Warfield, Mr. T just to name a couple but fat Gary Busey is at his best in this hilarious film. Worth revisiting now and again as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Why Horror? (On Demand) – A documentary from Tal Zimerman who is a self-proclaimed “huge horror fan” like the rest of us. Tal takes us viewers on an interesting ride through the history of horror films and his own experiences with horror movies over the years. Pointing out all the peaks and valleys of horror film and all the great people in the genre. An interesting movie that can be done 500 different ways but this dude got his financed and out there so kudos to him as I enjoyed it. If anything it spends almost the whole time highlighting how cool horror movies can be as I give the documentary 3 stars.

Die Die

Die Die Delta Pi (DVD) – The film begins in Spring 1986 where the Delta Pi sisters are deciding what they are going to do on spring break. But before they do anything they have the Toga party on the beach with the boys to haze the new girl Marissa. Things go wrong and Marissa catches on fire, several sisters are found murdered, and the house mother is missing. 27 years later the Delta Pi sorority has reopened at Sun State University. And according to one crazy old sorority sister ‘The Burnt One’ is coming! If that isn’t enough the new sisters are reestablishing the annual bonfire and tell the story of what happened many moons ago. Soon the new sisters are being murdered one by one. A fun, entertaining, and nostalgic independent horror film that does a great job fitting in with the likes of “Slaughter High, Killer Party, Cheerleader Camp, etc.” It is missing the corny 80s music soundtrack or even corny music video but does redeem itself with a great death scene on a gas grill. This type of film always wins my horror movie heart as I give it 3 out of 4 stars and available on amazon.com.

 

Croczilla (DVD) – This dude in China raises a pet giant crocodile only to sell it and its babies to a crooked dude who wants to sell the meat at his restaurant. Soon the giant crocodile gets pissed and loose then begins to wreck everything outside of Beijing, China. The movie takes a comedic twist when the giant croc swallows a woman’s bag of euros and she wants them back as it’s her life savings. Entertaining at times but has some hokey effects at times also. So for that I give it 2 stars as its no “Killer Crocodile’ or “Alligator”.

 

Avengers Grimm (DVD) – Casper Van Dien plays Rumpelstiltskin who leads a revolution against Snow White and her kingdom. During the fight they get thrown through the magic mirror into present earth time. But by time the princesses find a way through Rumpelstiltskin has already set up shop and has an evil plan to take over the world. And the princesses become superheroes… yes it was that terrible as I give it 0 stars as Asylum should stick to “Sharknado”.

 

Lost After Dark (DVD) – The slasher flick begins in 1977 Michigan as we are treated to a woman being chased and hacked to pieces by a bear trap in the opening minute of the film. Seven years later some teenagers plan on skipping out on the school dance, steal a school bus, and party at a cabin for the weekend. Two problems: first the bus breaks down and they go looking for help, second Robert Patrick is the vice principal and he decides to take matters into his own hands by tracking down his kids and the bus. But they all get fucked up by the cannibalistic hippie who has lived for many years on his own deep in the woods. An urban legend of sorts… The storyline isn’t breaking new ground but the film does sport some beautiful, gooey, bloody wet goodies throughout each murder scene. Another fun nostalgic slasher film worth putting on your watch list as I give it 3 stars.

 

Grabbers (DVD) – An Irish creature feature about sea creatures that attack an Irish village that survive only on water and blood. So the answer to defeating them is going to the tavern and getting the whole village drunk! Love the Irish as they keep it simple, funny, and have some bad ass sea creatures. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

Mercenaries (DVD) – The main plot is a female version of “The Expendables” or even “Escape from New York” of female prisoners are sent on a mission to rescue a diplomat. Cynthia Rothrock plays the president and Zoe Bell kicks some ass but the film lacks some direction and thought could have been better in the long run if they wouldn’t have rushed the project out there a couple years back. I give it 2 stars.

 

Turbo Kid (On Demand) – Another film that is a throwback as it acts like a 80s flick set in a 1997 post-apocalyptic world that just happens to be a Canadian/New Zealand co-production. A kid who is surviving on his own with his BMX bike collects relics from the world that use to be and live alone in his bunker. From time to time he goes to trade stuff for water and a new comic book! He comes across a girl while reading his comic book and they soon become friends but are thrusted into harm’s way when ultra-evil dude Michael Ironside captures the girl and Turbo Kid tries to save her a couple times. The film is like a blend of every sci-fi PG-13 film that showed on HBO Saturday mornings during the 1980s. And for me I am all in on enjoying such an over the top entertaining flick. The characters, the weapons, and the over the top violence make this film a gem as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Mimesis (DVD) – Some people get drugged and dragged off to a farmhouse to be dressed like characters from the “Night of the Living Dead” film and be a part of some twisted role-playing game. Soon the people figure out what’s going on and begin fighting the zombies’ aka real life psychos who claim the movies made them do it. A different horror movie concept but using “Night of the Living Dead” as the backdrop is just too easy for the cash in instead of trying to use maybe an obscure horror flick or something that wouldn’t give your horror film as much backlash. Also I was disappointed in the film overall but understood why they went with it but still only give the film 1 ½ stars.

Winners-Tape-All---Poster

Winners Tape All: The Henderson Brothers (Vimeo) – Independent filmmaker Justin Channell gets the band back together (Zane Crosby and Josh Lively) to put out a mockumentary about two famous brothers who made backyard horror flicks in the 80s. Justin smartly uses the VHS collector’s boom the past several years as the backdrop of the story. Henry Jacoby, VHS enthusiast, gets the ball rolling on how video stores were getting rid of VHS tapes for nearly nothing when DVD hit big and Henry discovered The Henderson Brothers films. “The Curse of Stabberman” and “Cannibal Swim Club” are the masterpieces of the Henderson Brothers. And Henry takes great joy in this as the brothers are brought together to discuss their projects, how they were made, and where they go from here? Especially now their long awaited project “Father’s Day of the Dead” is being financed by Henry’s Blood and Guts Video. Justin and company give a funny look inside look of what has gone on the past several years in the horror genre. And if I could describe this movie in the best way possible I would say “The Spinal Tap of the shot-on-video genre”. This movie had me laughing out loud several times throughout just for the mere reason I have watched many shot-on-video movies but their rereleases on DVD and VHS (again) and Justin did a great job bringing this project to life. When they talk about anyone that was involved with the two projects are dead I had tears coming out of my eyes laughing. If you are a hardcore movie/VHS tape collector and know humor this film is perfect for you as I give it 4 out 4 stars.

 

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