Gross Movie Reviews #683

0

H.P. Lovecraft’s Celephais (Vimeo) – A short story of Lovecraft’s adapted to film by Michael Neel who edited and directed this 34 minute short film project. This might be a story that horror fans are not too familiar with as the usuals are: The Unnamable, Re-Animator, From Beyond, or even Dagon of which we have seen adapted to name a few. This version deals with an old man fascinated with a dream place/land called “Celephais” that he has been chasing down since he was seven years old. He travels his dreamland when he sleeps constantly as he believes this is home but along his travels he encounters many that are interested in him. This short story/short film is fascinating to me as it can be taken as many things? For me for instance this old man is dying or already right at the edge and his brain is taking him to where he always thought he belonged… before he crosses over in so many words if you believe in such things as the ‘beyond’ to just put it out there broadly. That is how I see it as I may experience something like that a few years back but the point is filmmaker Michael Neel and crew just nailed this project as it was well thought out, well shot, perfect use of locations, and just enough weirdness that I think Lovecraft fans will enjoy it. This short film is one of the best things I have watched in 2025 as it’s absolutely charming at the same time hypnotically amazing! For that my friends I have to give this short film 4 out of 4 stars.

28 Years Later (On Demand) – Best way to explain this movie at least for me is: this isn’t the zombie/rage virus movie I was looking for? Of course it picks up 28 years after the virus has hit Europe. They have been able to contain it ‘Escape from New York’ style but basically if your ass was in that zone… you were fucked! A community cut off from the mainland because of high tide has managed to survive all this time because of their rules. A young boy turning into a man knows his mum is sick as he hears a story of a rogue doctor (Dr. Kelsey) who chose to stay on the mainland with the infected. The boy sneaks his mum out of the community to gain answers from this doctor in hopes of curing his mum. We learn there is “Alphas”, they can get prego, and this shit isn’t just go away, but a big part of me just wonders if I watched one long weird movie about “assisted suicide”? Again for me this wasn’t the movie I wanted to see for the third entry in the series but also I wasn’t quite a fan of the second film either as I give it 2 stars.

Dark Night of the Scarecrow 2 (DVD) – Literally whose fucking bright idea was it to make a sequel to a 40 year old TV movie that stars Larry Drake? Let alone at least one if not two generations of horror fans don’t even know about the original film as I hate to say it but you may have been better off remaking it instead of just a no budget sequel. Anyway, the film is about a killer scarecrow helping out a young boy Jeremy and his mom who just moved to this small farm community. Blah, blah, blah sorry but the plot comes off uninspiring as I doubt horror fans even know or care about this being released recently as I give it 0 stars.

Dead End Meg (Fawesome) – An oddity of a tale about two best friends who have a major problem. A guy named Gunnar that the two friends owe money too has a girlfriend named Meg who just had a wild kinky night of sex with one of the fellows. Here is the problem: he remembers nothing, they need to get rid of the body, and Gunnar’s guys suspect Meg is at the house? Just a weirdo off the wall independent movie with a lot of anal and penis conversations and a hilarious plot of how do they get rid of Meg? This is one of those films that will make a few viewers turn the movie off  before it is over as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

X: The Man with the X-ray Eyes (DVD) – An early 60s classic that involves Dr. Xavier having a breakthrough formula that can be used as drops in the eyes to help a human see beyond what the human brain can comprehend. The good doctor believes this could revolutionize healthcare as he keeps seeing his eye doctor preparing to possibly test on himself? As his funding gets pulled Dr. Xavier sees no other choice to prove all who doubt him wrong he must use it on himself. With the experimental formula his eyes begin to change as he can see past surfaces, see people naked, etc. but he accidentally pushes his best friend out the window when arguing about the risks. Because of the death Dr. X goes on the run as he ends up at a boardwalk circus and eventually Vegas as he tries to continue the treatment to his eyes. Eventually the experiment turns on him in this fun treat of a thriller as I give it 3 stars.

The Necro Files (DVD) – This 1997 independent feature from filmmaker Matt Jassile is a gritty, sleazy, even gory version of ‘The X-Files’. The story proceeds about a couple of cops who catch up to a somewhat cannibalistic serial rapist in the middle of his chaotic mess. The cops go a little too far with their capture of the notorious rapist as they kill him after being handcuffed. Nine months later a satanic cult (in midday mind you) performs a ritual to bring back this nasty abomination! Suddenly an undead serial rapist has risen and wonders the streets but just don’t ask why the zombie rapist’s dick is longer than most people’s arms… Even in the afterlife this horny bastard continues his demented raping and killing but let’s not forget there is also a flying demonic baby after the zombie that only bites you in the jugular (seriously not making this wild shit up)! So it’s all up to the two officers that started this mess as they chase this zombie down in their Ford Tempo and for that I give this film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.  

The Craiglon Incident II: Aftermath (DVD) – A who’s who of independent cinema joins Joel D. Wynkoop in this wild alien war project that was done during COVID. Everything was done with social distancing involved and comes off more of a history piece or lesson for film fanatics of what it was like at that time of doing nothing. Joel goes complete cheeseball mode as he has fun with aliens invading Earth, but not just this Earth but all of them. The aliens at one point are going door to door to destroy all humans. See apparently our Earth has several portals to others as three so-called warriors are called into action by a good alien to save their world… maybe? Parsons, Emile, and Dawes (Joel Wynkoop, Shawn Phillips, and Phil Herman) become the heroes once they have the alien tech to win the war. It’s a very cheesy, laughable, but entertaining piece of cinema history that should be watched by all Indy fans. Hell I am not a huge Shawn Phillips fan but thought just like Joel and Phil he went full cheeseball mode and did their best to entertain as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Jacker 3: Road to Hell (YouTube/DVD) – Mr. Herman returns to a character that caught many eyes in independent cinema thirty years ago as it fits like a glove and he wastes no time of continuing the lean into the supernatural that causes “The Jacker” to be seen as a mythical or even biblical figure. The Jacker or Mike has been quiet for 30 years as he disappeared after his reign of terror but a recent death of a drifter in the woods has caused concern along with the anniversary of the scary events. This has perked the ears of authorities and survivors alike as original characters return looking for answers. For one reason or another the time was right for The Jacker to return as he seems to be paving a road of blood to Gloria who found a way to survive The Jacker’s original attack thirty years ago. Between the return of original characters, the flashbacks to help explain the origin of sorts, and just this odd alternate world of supernatural gives the film a fun and entertaining quirkiness charm that will have independent die hards celebrating Phil Herman’s return to the character. For that I give this project 3 out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #669

0

The Final Possession (Tubi) – One of the newest projects from Mark Polonia has Tim Hatch in the role of Father Thomas warning all of us that the devil is coming. The Father’s plan is to send out his disciples to stop the “evil one” and to have the agents of the darklord killed. (Which honestly folks that isn’t God like right or isn’t that against the church? Must be one of those Prophecy film things I am still trying to figure out 25 years later…) Anyhow, if Father Thomas does not accomplish this task it will allow the “Day of Judgement” to come! Bold undertaking for an independent film on a very limited budget as the film will be a fun watch for hardcore Polonia fans. My main complaint of this film is it did entertain me but felt like it was made 30 years too late in the career of Polonia Brothers Entertainment as I feel it would have been a totally different film then and how they would have tackled it? Either way another solid entry into the IMDb list for Polonia and crew as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and yes I quite enjoyed Tim Hatch reading his lines from the book in a couple of scenes as I have done that on a regular basis (yes, I have become a fan of Tim Hatch)

He Never Left (Plex) – In 1997 at a small town of Larsen City has a masked killer “Pale Face” who haunted the town terribly killing many only to disappear without reason. Now present time, Gabe a recent parole has done something bad and trying to hide out at a seedy motel. Gabe trying to arrange an escape out of town now that authorities are searching everywhere for him has to stay hidden until he gets the call to bolt. Problem something happens in the next room and Gabe believes “Pale Face” is back? This is where the real story begins as Gabe is losing his mind and bodies are starting to pile up again. This is a creative independent serial killer film that will leave many thinking one way or another as there is no middle ground on this movie. Yes, you will know who the killer is but do you actually? The beauty of the film is how it sucks you in believing you are in for another hack and slash Indy but there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. Folks give this film a chance, pay attention, and I quite enjoyed what this film did as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Popeye: The Slayer Man (Amazon) – So the second of three Popeye horror films out there and this one goes with more of what we know of the spinach eating cartoon character. In this version it is rumored a ghost haunts the abandoned spinach canning factory down at the dock and it kills anyone that enters and talks shit on the location. Twenty years later enter sleezeball real estate people, bootleg Joel D. Wynkoop as security, a small group of film students wanting to film on the last night before the building is sold, an abusive boyfriend and his crew and we got a POPEYE SLASHER FILM! WTF? Funny thing happens here folks… the movie works as it becomes a fun bloodbath with an entertaining subplot about radioactive spinach. Gimme stuff like this all the time as I give the cartoon adaption 3 stars.

The Final Alliance (YouTube) – So apparently Hollywood or sub-Hollywood was sucking ideas from my brain long ago as this beauty comes out of the golden era of direct-to-video B-movie junk of 1990 that stars David Hasselhoff as Will Colton who has come back home with… his pet puma! Yep, I got you wanting to watch it before you even finish reading this. Do I even need to write this review at this point? Colton and Felix roll back into town mysteriously on this old farm that bikers have made their ‘fuck pad’. Colton refuses to have any of this go on so he starts kicking ass soon as he enters his old house. But Colton and the pet puma do not stop there as they learn the biker gang and oh did I mention the biker gang is led by the legendary John Saxon with bleached out hair, weird contacts, and rides in a side car the whole film? Back to the story Colton and Felix roll into town meet the town hottie who owns the grocery store and begins to convince the small town it is time to get rid of this biker trash. As Joe Bob would say “have we seen this couple of dozen times? Yes we have. But have you seen it with a weird John Saxon and Hoff’s pet puma?” This amazing hot garbage feels like it was sucked out of my teenager ‘Knight Rider’ loving mind and I am quite happy to let yinz know you can watch it for free on the YouTubes n’at as I give the movie 3 stars.

Empire of the Dark (YouTube) – Holy shit what wormhole did I fall down as I watched this weird fantasy film that was made by Steve Barkett who also stars in it with the likes of Joe Pilato and Jay Richardson. Immediately when it begins it feels like some lost late 70s TV movie that played once and disappeared into the void. Then after credits the movie takes another odd turn as I feel like I just found a lost episode of Commander USA I use to watch as a kid? So here are the plot folks: a cop named Richard goes through a portal (with one bullet by the way) to save his super-hot girlfriend (which there is no way this dude is pulling her). But there is a twist kids he can only save the baby or super-hot ex-girlfriend now mom. He picks the kid and everything is history or until twenty years later strange shit pops up as Richard is a private detective who is working on the “demon slasher” case and dabbles in sword play. (Did Dan Komarek write this shit?) The Satanists are back murdering people, Richard’s hot ex is talking to him in his dreams, and the kid from twenty years ago now grown up wants answers damn it and the only way to defeat the Satanists is with bibles and swords as I give it 2 ½ stars!

Beezel (DVD) – So some weirdo bought a house with a fucked up looking witch living in the basement in 1966. He convinced some female to marry him and become a serial killer of sorts as they feed this witch random people in hopes that this evil presence produces a baby and give them power. Supposedly this witch was taken by humans and that is how she got here so of course she requires a sacrifice if you are going to keep her ass in the basement. A couple (which the girlfriend character is an unlikable bitch) move in the home as the dude is the son of said serial killers and wants to sell this home and get the fuck out of there. Well the girlfriend doesn’t let that happen as she seeks out the stories about the weird shit that has gone on over the years in this house. I know there is horror fans that will just eat this film up and good for you but this movie for me seem to be missing that important ingredient “heart”? I felt like the film wasn’t bad but just going through the paces of hope to start a series of films to keep telling the story of said witch as I can only give the film 2 stars.

Harvester of Eyes (Fawesome) – Polonia and crew with another recent release that concerns eyeballs, a fortune teller, no budget, but also felt like it had to be done in a couple days (felt like there was a time constraint?) This interesting tale features Jamie Morgan throughout and looks like she had absolute fun with it as Sinthia, is sent out by her sister from hell to collect eyeballs from humans. Why eyeballs? Well they are the gateway to souls of mortals which Sinthia’s sister craves. Sinthia leaves the comforts of hell to take over a fortune teller’s business to collect her victims or eyeballs in this case. Things are going great until an old inspector gets involved and figures out the real reason bodies are piling up around town. Jamie Morgan was awesome, Jeff Kirkendall was perfect as the inspector, it just felt like the project was a bit rushed but that could be me but definitely see Polonia fans enjoying another entry outside of the usual Polonia films we have seen in the past as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Mark Polonia: A Life of Monsters, Mayhem, and Movies (YouTube) – For those who are interested this is a quick two part documentary done in two five minute segments in 2015 on the career of Mark Polonia. Most likely a piece for local TV just celebrating what Mark has accomplished in his community. It is a fun look and interview with Mark as they even talk with others who worked with Mark over the years and tell quick stories about him. Another reason to check it out is to refresh people’s memories Mark is one of the godfathers of SOV and what their projects did for the video market in the late 80s and early 90s that many movie fans might not know or have forgotten about. Fun stuff so if you get a chance, its free, its quick as I give it 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #667

0

The Slasher Nurse (Film Freeway) – Twenty years ago two girls (Piper and Grace) go to what they believe is an abandon house that looks really cool for their movie shoot. But the girls find out they are not alone as some of their friends play a prank that has Piper locked in a trunk when they are run off the property by an old man. Her brother finds her later only to be stabbed in a fit of rage by accident by Piper. Fast forward twenty years and the friends all work together exception for Piper who happens to be at the Blue Ridge Facility. Grace, friends, and work friends are all going away for the weekend but old wounds are reopened when Evan who is blamed for the prank gone wrong shows up before the weekend gets started. If that wasn’t enough the same evening Piper who hasn’t said much for years has escaped the hospital and has already created a murderous path to Grace and friends. The film is an interesting “prank goes wrong” flick with some nice gory kills that includes a death by lawnmower. Plus what will help writer/director to get film distribution are the appearances of popular horror stars: Felissa Rose, Diana Prince, and Jim Krut. Even though Kerr gives it a fun touch of bringing some freshness to the slasher genre its main flaw is the 107 minute running time that could easily be trimmed down to 88-90 minute time frame but that is for another conversation. But Kerr’s saving grace (no pun intended) is the twist he gave to his horror feature as I give the feature 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

The Shizzly Grark (Fawesome) – Yes folks, half bear/half shark Cryptid that a small town claims is real? Kids doing a senior film project on this thing wanna prove that it is a thing of fiction, urban legend but they disappear before the project is finished. This is the found footage, interviews and experience of seeing this mysterious creature. The movie did a smart by keeping it under an hour and keeping the pacing non-stop but the real highlight in this mess about the fictional creature is “The Mummy” being interviewed on his thoughts… downright hilarious! The movie is a complete terrible mess but should have enough charm to keep you entertained and not disappointed you watched it as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

Booger (DVD) – The film is from 2023 but just hit all the streaming sites and is a complete turd! Anna loses her best friend Izzy who helped take care of this stray cat. Shortly after Izzy’s death the cat supposedly bites Anna, disappears, and Anna slowly goes through changes including her depression for her dead friend. Anna completely ignores her boyfriend, job, and life in general looking for this cat named ‘Booger’. The film is listed as a horror/comedy and I neither laughed nor seen anything horrifying other than wasting my fuckin 78 minutes watching it. A stupid young twenty something wants to act like a cat and at the end all is fine? This passes for some kind of a movie? I have seen movies that don’t even try but this so-called movie is insulting Indy filmmaking in general as this of course gets nothing except for already winning the award for being the worst film I have watched already in 2025. Sorry it’s not Meta, it’s not ironic, and it’s just fucking dumb!        

Pandemic Thirst (Blu-ray) – Chris Woods and a talented cast put together a quick 64 minute film that revolves around 2020s Covid-19 and how it affects vampires. The film opens with Covid just hitting as people scramble to get home before everything closes down for a period of time as humans are about to deal with a horrible virus worse than vampires. During the early days of this pandemic Cynthia is on the run and sick with nowhere to turn a beautiful vampire Willow happens to find her. They share a hotel room and instead of Willow feeding on Cynthia she chooses to turn her. But there is a catch as the virus may have already been in Cynthia’s blood and for some unknown reason it has actually made Willow terribly sick as vampires have survived plagues and viruses long before this. Simply put this is an interesting concept that has that “SyFy Channel Saturday Night vibe” but done ‘The Sleaze Box’ way with Sushii Xhyvette Holder just being an absolute fun bad ass as she hits it out of the park with this role. Like Mr. Woods or not I do respect what he did with this concept and gotta give this entertaining Indy vamp flick 3 out of 4 stars.

Eat and Run (YouTube) – A mid-80s oddity from New World Pictures where an alien lands on Earth that enjoys eating Italian… Eye-talian people that is! A detective McSorely (Ron Silver) who works for the NYPD and talks like he is describing his character’s actions in a book at all times sees the impossible which this huge thing eating Italians and has to convince his boss that aliens exist. With the police force believing McSorely is nuts, he’s on his own to bring in this maniac alien with an appetite. There is some terrible 80s jokes and along with the alien cuckolding Ron Silver’s character but that doesn’t stop McSorely bringing the alien to justice as the film doesn’t really have an ending as I give the bad attempt at comedy 1 ½ stars.

Behind the Walls (Blu-ray) – A family moves into an old house with the intention of course to call it theirs and fix it up along with the broken family relationship. All members feel like there is something off about the house but of course since they are white decide to stay only to find out the hard way the house has an evil presence that has decided to keep them there. Which by the way the evil presence in the home is played by bootleg toxic waste dude from Robocop. The movie come off like a family drama than horror film as from beginning to end the movie just moves at a disjointed pace. Horror fans yinz are not missing much here as I can only give it 1 star.

The Nature of the Beast (Tubi) – A mid-90s Victor Salva flick where two very different men (Jack and Adrian) keep crossing paths in small desert towns. One stole a good bit of money from a casino and the other is a cold hearted serial killer. Both use each other as cover until they reach a breaking point that doesn’t end well for one as it stars the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen and Eric Roberts. Sounds good on paper, two solid performers, but something just doesn’t feel right from the beginning as I can only give this feature 2 stars.

Heart Eyes (On Demand) – It is Valentine’s Day and in the past two years there has been a murder spree in Boston and Philadelphia that the serial killer has been named the “Heart Eyes Killer”. Now set in Seattle the Heart Eyes Killer has set his sights on this city where once again he will look for couples to kill as he did the past two years on this lovely holiday. Best way to describe this latest slasher feature is ‘Scream meets a RomCom’ made for people under the age of 24. Now while I say that this isn’t a terrible movie by any means that most likely will be the ‘My Bloody Valentine’ for the new generation of horror fans? But this might be the first film in quite a while that was literally targeting a very specific group of horror fans to start a franchise. You see the ending coming a mile away and plus you’ll understand why I said ‘Scream’ as I give this interesting let’s say ‘test subject for the young-ins’ 2 stars.  

Trail Cam Sasquatch (Fawesome) – Something strange has been going on in the woods of Central, Pa., in fall of 2024 as UFO sightings are almost reported daily but what comes along with that is Sasquatch sightings. Trail cams in the woods have been snapping a photo daily of this mysterious creature but to no avail it stays elusive from authorities. So a small hunting party plans to go into the woods for the weekend to capture the elusive creature unless Tim Hatch’s character is trapped in a bathroom taking the morning grumpy? But the only thing this small hunting party finds is a young injured woman lost in the woods that brings the wrath of not just one Sasquatch but many! Tim Hatch’s character keeps the horror light in this Polonia feature but entertaining as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

The Girl Who Wore Yellow Lace (Tubi) – This feature feels like Mark Polonia goes way out of his comfort zone to bring a giallo to his resume. I knew I was in for something different from the legendary Indy filmmaker when the Polonia usuals only had bit parts in this feature. A young model Arianna is convince to join a modeling agency as she wants to do whatever it takes to be the most popular model. Arianna dream to become one of the biggest models has a price as she loses grip with her old life and boyfriend. The more she tries to become the most in demand model the more of her fellow models are murdered by a mysterious black-gloved killer. Kudos to Mark Polonia for doing something totally unexpected and for the love of Rutger Hauer, Jeff Kirkendall’s character is extremely creepy in this Indy giallo as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.  

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #662

0

Project Metalbeast (DVD) – Oh, I absolutely love this movie from 1994/1995 where it’s a great idea to put armor or a new metal skin on a werewolf in so many words. This is such a fun werewolf movie that finally found its way to physical media outside of VHS. Before we get into that lets talk plot: so the freakin’ CIA is secretly interested into werewolves in 1974, and have tracked one in Budapest of course. An operative who is hell bent on this secret mission and soon experiment on himself by injecting the blood of the Lycan. Not able to control the dude his good friend Barry Bostwick who also has evil plans of his own freezes the dude after shooting him for future experimentation. It is now 1994 and Barry has found a scientist that has developed a new skin graph as they test it unknowingly on this frozen body that once silver bullets are removed once again becomes a killing machine! A really fun werewolf film with Kane Hodder as the creature but its path back to physical media might be a little weird or still in question how? Quickly after its appearance on HBO and hitting VHS in 1995 that was it. Nothing about the rights, music, or who actually owned it for years let alone it just got a DVD release not a Blu-ray release but a DVD only a couple years ago with not much promotion. After some research this project may have been doomed from the beginning as the original company that funded it went out of business right after the film was released. So any hope of extras, deleted scenes probably never gonna happen. Yes, it is most likely the same version on YouTube but it never hurts picking up some rare physical media for such a title that just seem to disappear as I give the film 3 ½ stars.

Lone Wolf (DVD) – A late 80s werewolf film I never knew existed but of course had to watch as Eddie who has trouble with going to school but leads a rock band that is on the brink of making it big. Authorities find people who are shredded to pieces and have no problem blaming Eddie with his past if not the wild dogs but the bodies continue to pile up around town and this concerns two other students in Julie and Joel. These two concerned students start their own investigation and eventually include Eddie as they know he is not to blame. The film is some fun corny 80s garbage but I felt they did an awesome job in hiding the actual person who is the werewolf for most of the film as it makes for a great watch as I give it 3 stars.

Night Shadow (Tubi) – Now I wanted to check out this flick because it was another werewolf movie and did not pick it because it stars Kato Kaelin! Yeah that dude! The movie involves a young journalist Alex who has come back home on vacation for some needed space from her big city job. Besides that from the beginning Alex is stalked by some gnarly dude all the way to her small town as she is pushed by her network to start covering the grisly murders. Alex must combine her efforts with her ex-guy now the sheriff to piece together who is mutilating the locals before Danford’s population is zero. It was just a weird viewing experience if I am being honest as I give it 2 stars.

Black Past (DVD) – So this flick is one of the first films from German filmmaker Olaf Ittenbach made in 1989 but it was only released in the past decade. The movie follows a young man who has just moved to a new place with his family and just trying to fit in. A little curious the young man finds a chained up trunk in the attic and opens it because that is always a great idea. Thommy finds a mirror and a diary. After the brutal death of his girlfriend Thommy slowly turns to the diary as he is haunted by nightmares of her with stuff like his penis nailed to a piece of wood then hacked off. The mirror and diary eventually possesses him as the weird chaos of murders begins as Thommy is a cursed being now as I give it 2 stars.

Bull Shark 3 (Tubi) – So did any of yinz know this was a trilogy? I didn’t but that didn’t stop me from watching another low budget shark movie that concerns a small Texas town. This time around Spencer is sober and respected by the town’s mayor and sheriff who need his help one more time. There is evidence that a family of bull sharks is breeding at the center of the lake as their plan is too plant an ESD thing at the bottom of the lake and obliterate the sharks. Two problems are: a) it is next to a gas line and b) someone is going to have to go swimming with the sharks in order for it to be in its proper place. Not good, not bad low budget shark film that spoiler alert if you make it too the end leaves it open for gator problems as I give it 2 stars.

The House on Haunted Hill (Fawesome) – For those who are unaware there is now a pseudo sequel… What explains this version it is a sequel in theory of the popular 50s film that starred Vincent Price. It is a swift 64 minute feature from Dustin Ferguson that takes place on Halloween twenty years later where the local channel 6 program does a special on the hauntings or paranormal history of the haunted hill house that also includes nostalgia commercials from the 70s. A Channel Six reporter, cameraman, and a psychic head into the structure for the program “Price of Fame” to make it feel like you are watching someone’s old VHS tape of the Halloween program. For me this was an interesting idea but comes off as a short film stretched a little too thin if that makes sense. I enjoyed the weirdness of the newest ‘Spider Baby’ version but that just doesn’t work for something like the original ‘House on Haunted Hill’ especially with a remake and sequel to remake out there for over two decades. I appreciate the interesting attempt but gotta only give this project 2 stars.

Hey, Stop Stabbing Me! (Blu-ray) – The 2000 SOV hit has an introduction by director/co-writer Josh Miller and co-writer/actor Pat Casey as they made it in Hollywood and wanted to have a fun look back at a project that got them started. A fresh college graduate in Herman is heading back home to Bloomington, Indiana to see if he can find a cheap place to stay while he finds a job and decides what he really wants to do with his life. Herman finds what looks to be a great big house with a couple roommates but quickly understands roommates disappear from the house to never come back. They just adjust by filling the empty room with another person like Herman. Herman weirded out by a job digging holes, having a girlfriend, and having missing roommates still finds time to be curious by the graves in the backyard that no one questions. There is so much hilarious Indy stuff going on throughout the movie as Herman falls through scene after scene of just trying to be a good roommate and for this movie that is really all that matters or you die. Great Indy comedy I gotta give 3 ½ stars too.

Dinogator (On Demand) – So this Jim Wynorski film might be more interesting of how it got to its release than the film itself? Michael Madsen and Paul Logan are big game hunters who are trying to track down a half-snake/half-gator creature that keeps eating the locals who hang out in the swamp. There is no reason for the creature other than it just exists but that doesn’t stop a band who head out in the swamp to shoot their next rock video. Enjoy… But now to the real story of this once finished project that was once called ‘Cobragator’ in 2014 slated for a 2015 release. It never happened like several of Wynorski projects but was again slated for a late 2020/early 2021 release on SyFy Channel but again, nothing. Then a title change and it was freed weirdly to an On Demand platform last week. The characters are bad, there is no origin of the creature, but there is a reason to watch with friends. Have friends over and turn it into a drinking game where yinz try to figure out when Michael Madsen actually interacted with any cast members in the film. Watch how the movie was shot and you will totally get the game as I give this CG-killer made-up animal mess 1 star.

Mr. Buzzkill (Blu-ray) – Rob Collins has been a part of several Indy projects but this was his first feature he directed that just got released about the Silver Grove Massacre. The story of Mr. Buzzkill is told around a campfire by some friends who are explaining the origins of the Sliver Grove Massacre. According to these folks a ten year old (Jacob) in 1998 loses his shit after being locked up then slices and dices his way through a shed, his dad, and then the local bar only to walk away into the woods to never be found. As the years pass people disappear with no real answers other than the Mr. Buzzkill stories. Now grown up the kid is now a monster in 2018 completely slaughters a group of friends at an abandoned cabin one weekend. The story of this slasher character starts off solid but has the feeling that something is missing and not totally sure of how to wrap up the interesting case of a grown up Mr. Buzzkill. Good cast and nice gore effects keep the film moving but again I still felt the missing whatever ingredient is the difference in this new breed of Indy slasher going from just good to completely satisfyingly great! No matter how you feel about the film it is worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #661

1

Jurassic Exorcist (DVD) – In this Mark Polonia film a cult leader combines his evil with a dinosaur allowing it to eat everything in its devilish path after his death. Meanwhile a priest that has lost his faith in god is introduced to time travel as this allows him to go back a million years or so to exorcise this beast before it ever gets to present day! This wacked out plot taking place in a small town makes for a hilarious experience for viewers as I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Grandma (Fawesome) – Twenty years ago Grandma’s Bed and Breakfast was a wonderful place to eat breakfast for the small town folk until it was revealed she been using humans for meat. People were disappearing from time to time but no one thought anything of it until that tragic day her place was investigated. Soon Grandma disappeared and part of the restaurant was torn down. Now in present day a young woman named Mallory inherits money from her dying father and she wanted to honor his memory by buying the place they both had fond memories of, “Grandma’s Bed and Breakfast”. The goal is for Mallory and a couple friends to clean the place up for business again. But clearly Grandma has returned and not too happy to share her place as she lures them one by one to their deaths. It is a crude but fun SOV shocker that captures that early 90s Indy vibe as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

George A. Romero’s Resident Evil (In Demand) – The purpose of this film is to look into why Romero’s vision of the popular video game never got made. In order to do that this film works twofold: tell the story of George A. Romero from the beginning but also the story of how Resident Evil became the horror game that changed so much in video games. This documentary dives head deep into the process of the game becoming a movie and compares the vision of Romero to Paul Anderson’s script. I quite enjoyed they brought up several times how people who are fans of the games dreaded the movie that came out (this officially ends me bitching about this series of films being an abomination on cinema) and reasons why we got what we got. The film runs a little long but I found it entertaining and very informative as it left I with only one question now… Should someone (cough, cough, Tom Savini or Greg Nicotero) go ahead and make the version of the script Romero wrote so long ago? I give this entertaining look into something I have yelled about constantly for years 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Teddiscare (Tubi) – Another hilarious project from Mark Polonia and stars Tim Hatch with some really cool opening credits for the film. A young man Duncan receives a phone call that his father is dying as he has just returned from an asylum adjusting to life outside again. His father’s dying words are “don’t return to the woods of your childhood”. Of course Duncan cannot resist investigating the woods and quickly finds his stuffed animal collection from his childhood like they had been waiting there the whole time for him. Meanwhile a partner of Duncan’s father at the Filbert Plant is overlooking how the estate is given out and wants to screw over Duncan but Duncan would like him to meet his friend Teddy? Maybe one of the more weird projects from Polonia Brothers Entertainment in the past decade with a fun performance from Tim Hatch as I give the project 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Torture the Flesh (Blu-ray) – For the past year a serial killer has made a name for himself killing all over town causing the lead detective grasping for answers. Detective Frank is an over the hill cop who is a smidge away from retirement but believes he may have gotten the break he needs with a recent mother-to-be/wife and young kid being murdered by the serial killer. In comes the widow Daniel who wants answers from the frustrated detectives as he has plans to get his revenge. As the killer eludes capture the story keeps coming back to Daniel and Detective Frank until the very end. As each new murder happens they get even more grisly than the murder before in this low budget Indy feature with a nice large budget gloss as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Witch Story (DVD) – A late 80s Eye-talian flick that starts in 1932 Florida where a witch is burned to death while her kid watches. Of course the witch curses everyone there and their offspring which brings us 57 years later where a pair of siblings (brother and sister) inherits the house the witch owned. Ed and Carol see this as an opportunity for them and friends to fix the place up but immediately when they arrive the evil is awakened to kill all who have entered the home. We get a cursed house, a story that doesn’t quite make a lick of sense, one demonic blowjob, kissing cousins, a creepy priest/I am not a priest, and an ending that has you asking why the witch just wanted to hold her child in purgatory just to lure victims to the house? Point is its weird as I give the film 2 stars.

Leech (YouTube) – Here is another Indy project from David Dawson out of the state of Illinois that gave me a very pandemic vibe of making this film. Anyway we are introduce to Darklord of Loves Park who pretty much live streams everything he does: listening to music, making so-called music, eating a rat, going to the bar, asking for funds, etc. Mostly the Darklord seems to enjoy bickering with the group of people who do follow his streams until “Content Corner Mike” appears. Content Corner Mike begins uses his stream to try to get more subscribers to the Darklord because he believes the Darklord isn’t faking it and an interesting watch that’s different from most streams. But this decision leads to an unwanted feud and eventual violence in a very curious but realistic way that easily can be seen happening in real life. This no budget film can feel very rough around the edges but pay attention to the heart of this film because I think this had a great concept as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Teddy Told Me To (Tubi) – A film that is directed by Tom Devlin who is known more for his special make-up effects than directing has been dipping his toes into the genre of being a director. The plot of this flick takes place at a closed haunted attraction that a cute couple: Zoe and Danny buy up to reopen. It was originally closed because a young man wearing a bear mask lost his shit inside the attraction and killed people. Now reopening the man with the bear mask has returned to slaughter the haunters and all who enter. Not a huge fan of the ending but a lot of bodies pile up in this simple slasher that it keeps it bloody entertaining as I give it 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #656

0

Red Light District Shark Attack (Fawesome/DVD) – So Amsterdam sex workers are experimenting with a new drug at their brothel that mistakenly makes baby sharks. Of course some fat horny dude heads out to same whorehouse in Amsterdam for some sex and drugs! Working lady convinces fat guy to take said experimental drug and not only loses weight immediately, he becomes half shark/half man. The rest of the movie is about the young sex workers trying to stop half shark/half man from feasting on their hot little bodies. Short film form would have been much better for an idea like this… But trying to stretch it into feature form to get distribution is just sad and makes for a boring Indy shark movie that gets 0 stars.

Apex Predators 2: The Spawning (Fawesome/DVD) – Dustin Ferguson doing a smart a second time around takes a cue from the famous sequel to ‘Piranha’. The sharks are back attacking people heading to the beach and this time they fly on shore to get their meal as the all-important volleyball tournament is about to go down. This means feeding frenzy for the mutated sharks! The film stars the likes of Vernon Wells, Indy horror host Jennifer Nangle, and Eric Larsen as Jennifer Nangle’s character intermittently takes you through the tragic events of flying sharks by telling the viewer how she survived the attacks. A vast improvement over the first film as I gotta give this sequel 2 ½ stars.

Phil Herman’s Unearthed (DVD) – Phil Herman has churned out several anthologies over the past few years and this one seems to have a different vibe than the ones I have viewed in the past. This Indy anthology installment felt like it wasn’t playing by all the rules in search of giving the viewer an entertaining but different take as these four tales tackle: missing persons, alien abduction, demon possession, and mystical serial killer? You get to see some cool acting talents such as Heather Harlow, Debbie D, and Tina Krause among other famous people in what I describe as a deep dark thriller of an anthology. I do believe the Indy folk will enjoy these entertaining tales as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Operation Fortune (DVD) – Nic Cage has done a similar film but I will always have a soft spot for Guy Ritchie and Jason Statham project. Orson works for the government and is on holiday until he is pulled off by his handler to seek why something nasty was stolen? Orson gets a new crew together along with a Hollywood action star so they can get info at a charity event that an arms dealer is hosting. Point is they need to hack the arms dealer’s cell phone so they know what this thing “The Handle” is being sold too and what exactly or how nasty is this thing? “The Handle” turns out to be the ultimate AI key that will crash the world financial system. Gimme Jason Statham and Guy Ritchie all day as I give this fun action flick 3 stars.

Intrusive (DVD) – Even at 66 minutes this slow burn but effective Indy project is from Eric Shapiro who  keeps it simple but complex if that makes any sense. Sabina gets a hotel room and makes an appointment with a spiritual healer because she claims an ancient woman is very loud in her head. This woman in Sabina’s head is not allowing her to sleep or function any longer and needs immediate help from Kelly. Kelly is going to use hypnosis to help Sabina but after a few miscues feels Sabina needs professional help. But Sabina explains the voice is what led her to Kelly which intrigues Kelly why and how deep does this go? As they go back and forth through the session the story fills out and eventually comes full circle. This was a nice changeup in the usual Indy stuff I watch and recommend to people as I do recommend checking this project out as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

The Lost Platoon (VHS) – You had me at: 1990 David Prior production that deals with an aging reporter investigating a war skirmish in Nicaragua. During a fight with rebels and seeing a man in camp he believes he had encountered this man before, in a different war? The grizzled reporter is obsessed with the four soldiers who haven’t seemed to age for years. His interest gets him in trouble as they reveal themselves as vampires but they are there warring with an evil general that seems to know them also. A somewhat fun low budget vampire film that I give 2 stars too.

The Mouse Trap (Xumo Play) – So the original Mickey Mouse went public domain and of course it didn’t take long for someone to cash in on the name or fail miserably with this project. I dare you to like this garbage. Alex is stuck working her arcade job during her 21st birthday but surprise her friends are the reason why as they wanted to hang with her. Once all are in a dude with the old school Mickey Mouse mask locks the place down to murder the young people one by one while teleporting. Also can we stop the whole “everyone hand over your cell phone as we are going to have fun without them” cliché? No fucking way a 21 year old is going to unglue their phone from their hand to put it in a bag! For the love of Rutger Hauer that is such a dumb lazy story arc. Bottom line horror fans they thought they were smarter than everyone else in rushing this project and all it did was give horror fans an unwatchable mess as I give it 0 stars.

Ninja vs. Shark (Shudder) – An interesting concept that could only be done in Japan as Lord Koshiro Mizuchi sends his minions of the “Crimson Devil Clan” to kidnap, kill, and steal pearls from a small coastal village. The mayor of this village is desperate so why not hire a bodyguard for the village to fight back this evil before they all die or become slaves. This film besides bringing the gore tries to totally entertain with a shark attacking people, half shark/half man (done right unlike a certain movie Red Light District Shark Attack) that eats certain people for said Lord to become younger, ninja fights, some Mortal Kombat shit going down, but most importantly we do get a legit ninja vs. shark! Yes enjoy this craziness as I give you this hidden international gem 3 stars.

King on Screen (Shudder) – A crowd funded project with a ton of interviews with filmmakers who brought Stephen King’s books to the screen. It tries to cover everything but gets caught up on discussing ‘The Shinning’ and for good reason (horror fans pay attention). It does bring up the relationship between King and Romero and as fun as that is there is little if no attention paid to such films: Salem’s Lot, Graveyard Shift, Cat’s Eye, The Dark Half, and Maximum Overdrive. This documentary felt like a mixed bag of sorts but there could be numerous reasons different projects were not discussed or not as much for my liking as I give the project 2 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #655

0

Seven Cemeteries (On Demand) – Stars Danny Trejo as Santana, a man wrongly accused of murder then jailed for a few decades has finally gotten released. His first stop out of prison is to show up at a ranch that has been under attack by a druglord who intends to use it for the drug trade because its location on the border. Within minutes Santana is gunned down by the local sheriff but saved by a witch who wants to help him since he is a good man. He is given the power to bring back the dead in order to help this woman save her ranch! Santana collects his gang of undead and begin the fight of their lives to do the right thing in this bloody battle with a druglord. The film is cheesy, hilarious, and super entertaining as I give it 3 stars.

The Block Island Sound (4K Ultra HD) – A 2020 film from the McManus Brothers that I never heard of but begins to tell the story of dead fish washing up on shore of a coastal town and birds falling dead out of the sky. These things seem to be causing some issues with Harry’s father that he is unaware of until his father disappears at sea one early morning. Besides Harry is having trouble dealing with his father alone since his mother’s death, his sister Audry has come into town as this immediately causes issues before the disappearance. A few days go by as the father washes up on shore dead but this isn’t enough for Harry as he travels out on the boat to the location where his father disappeared and finds out the real answer the hard way. This project feels like a slow burn ‘X-Files’ episode without FBI agents or similar to ‘Fire in the Sky’ film. The disc has quite a few extras concerning the McManus Brothers: commentary, family home movies, segments on effects, cast, and shooting a smaller budgeted film on the water as I give the package 3 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.synapsefilms.com .

The Nailgun Massacre (4K Ultra HD) – As Joe Bob Briggs would say “does it need a 4k version with all the bells and whistles? No, but you know Tim Gross is gonna get it at some point!” Anyway by some chance you have never had the pleasure? This is a story of a young woman who is brutally raped on a construction site by several men. Shortly after the tragic event someone dressed up with a motorcycle helmet on and armed with an air powered Nailgun nails people to trees, the road, to each other. Simple but very effective or penetrating story as the tagline suggests from R.I.P. Terry Lofton who I can actually consider a friend because of my love for the film and getting to meet him. This is a wonderful packed to the gills or full clip on the Nailgun full of extras involving Terry Lofton and the cast that includes a few commentaries and an old Q&A with Joe Bob Briggs. There is a Blu-ray and 4K disc in this set as I feel Terror Vision did an absolutely dam good job in putting together such a special package that Terry Lofton would be proud of as I give it 4 stars.

Mummy Shark (Fawesome) – A maybe intentional or unintentional horror film from Mark Polonia that concerns some explorers uncovering an ancient shark buried under the great pyramids. The archeological dig has disturbed the ancient being and it thirsts for blood. When the explorers are not trying to escape the great shark god look for Tim Hatch trying to get people to eat the Dollar General/Dollar Tree (Fast Bites) cheeseburgers most of the film that had me laughing so hard. (P.S. those cheap ass burgers are wonderful.) If that isn’t enough enjoy Mark Polonia grilling Vegan food in a CGI jungle. Leave it to Polonia to give Indy horror fans a hilarious take on if a Mummy Shark existed as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Camp Blood: Clown Shark (Fawesome) – Someday I have warned readers I will track down all the ‘Camp Blood’ movies just like I did with the ‘Witchcraft’ series and ongoing with the ‘Amityville’ series. But until then I settled to check out the Jeff Kirkendall and Mark Polonia venture that concerns a slasher with a clown shark?! Set at Camp Blackwood as a beautiful woman Jerry is chased down by the killer clown but turns the tables on him as she beheads him. Six months later the spirit of the killer clown takes over a random fish and turns it into a killer clown shark. Jerry has to return to the scene of the crime to put to rest her visions/nightmares of the killer clown that she once thought was dead. This movie was more entertaining than I thought it could be as I give 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Catnado “Tales of Feline Terror” (Fawesome) – Apparently a Donald Farmer presents project that has several different stories of people with this new natural disaster “Catnado” and the fallout that follows. I have quite enjoyed some of Donald Farmer’s work over the years but I didn’t find this funny or interesting that honestly if you don’t have Steve Rudzinski attached to something like this then you have gone about it all wrong as I give it 0 out of 4 stars.

Pandasaurus (Fawesome) – Beware horror fans if you are looking for a straight up monster flick as Mark Polonia goes for dry humor in this project and hits gold! A couple who own a struggling small town zoo claimed they found an egg to a new species of animal as they raise it as their own at the zoo. This new thing is called “Pandasaurus”. The couple believes it is harmless as they raised it as their pet and once it gotten bigger as an attraction for the zoo. But some others outside of the zoo feel this is a danger to society and needs to be studied by the government unlike their therapist played by Mark Polonia who believes the thing is a hoax and the couple is completely off their rocker! The Pandasaurus escapes and people start to disappear as I gotta give Mr. Polonia kudos for pulling off something a little different in this genre as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!