Gross Movie Reviews #568

The Oily Maniac (YouTube) – A Shaw Brothers mid-70s weirdness shot in Malaysia that is just a delightful cultish film for yinz all to enjoy. A young handicapped man copies a spell that was tattooed on a man’s back at the last request of said man. As he is sentenced to death he begs for the spell to be used. The young man struggles with this idea but eventually decides to use it against those who done wrong to his family. This spell turns the man into an indestructible slimy monster that knows martial arts at any point in time the young man dumps diesel or oil upon himself. This dirty hero kills rapists, unlicensed doctors, and random criminals who try to extort money from him as they learn his identity. This crazy monster flick is one of the oddest but hilarious films that I have ever had the pleasure of encountering especially when the monster gets real tired real quick after he has killed someone… This weird monster film is nowhere near perfect but will leave an impression on you unlike most films have before as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Midnight Offerings (VHS/YouTube) – This early 80s light-hearted horror film was a TV movie that stars Melissa Sue Anderson as Vivian who happens to be a full blown witch that uses her dark magic to get everything she wants in high school. Dave her boyfriend is having trouble knowing what Vivian is doing and wants no part of her or the powers. Then comes along Robin the new girl with a bit of a past and of course her and Dave hit it off which doesn’t make Vivian happy, Vivian soon figures out Robin isn’t just another high school girl she can push around with her dark magic. Dave’s friend tries to explain to Robin she is a powerful witch, that it is in her blood but unlike Vivian it comes to her naturally. This struggle between witches leads to a high school showdown between the two in this horror film for beginners as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Doctor Sleep (DVD) – If you don’t know already I am not a fan of ‘The Shining’. Wanted to put that out there as some horror fans will die claiming that film is one their favorites of all time. Hey more power to you, I hated it, Stephen King hated it, I found it boring, and without Jack Nicholson it’s a different film? Anyway with that out of the way who would have guessed there would be a sequel? Wasn’t gonna give this film a chance but as usual I eventually did. This film picks up right after the events of the hotel decades ago showing Danny Torrance struggling with this so-called power “The Shining”. Decades later Danny is a tortured soul drunk who talking to his dead mentor figures out how to lock away these ghosts of the past that haunt him. He then finds himself in Frazier, New Hampshire working at a hospice finding purpose again? As he gets cleaned up, stable, Danny has a psychic pen pal never thinking much about it until now. After several years of this writing back and forth the teenager shows up to visit Doc/Danny to tell him about a group of people who are able to live forever because they fed on kids mostly who have “The Shining”. This power, their soul, whatever is able to sustain these people’s immortality. Doctor Sleep, a friend, and this powerful young girl figure out this group of people must be stopped before they take any more young lives that have this power. If anything that comes out of this sequel is that it actually makes sense out of the original film for me that I could never get into. I now see the original in a different light, but still do not like it but will give credit oddly to this sequel that explains the whole mythos behind “The Shining” and for that I give it much kudos for a film that I may have otherwise never gave a chance as I give ‘Doctor Sleep’ 3 stars.

Meathook Massacre VI: Bloodline (YouTube) – No way this was a remake of ‘Hellraiser IV’ but as usual flesh face himself Bubba, continues his murdering antics using his meathook to hack through new victims. It’s funny with the strange turn the series has taken as ‘Meathook Massacre’ has literally become one big ‘X-Files’ episode with the Meathook family as one big government experiment gone wrong. To me at least it took a cue from ‘Saw IV’ or changing the tone in the series by giving the middle finger to fans of previous installments and just making shit up? Fucked up but hey I still found it entertaining. But that is a whole other dumb ass conversation we do not need to get into right now as we get a plot this time around where two sisters recently found out they have family they never about? One sister of course is all for it, the other Kelly suspects something is amiss here? Kelly is super stressed about the whole thing and that includes the supposed “Big Feast Thing” that is going to happen. Then Kelly is contacted by a mystery man with info on her new family which doesn’t smooth things over and how the whole community around them is in on the act! For Kelly this info comes too late as Bubba and the clan does not like loose ends and they had a purpose of why they are here and now it’s time to disappear again as they have finally found what they been looking for… Oddly enough for me this sequel actually made some kind of sense but we are talking about someone who purposely watched 36 Amityville films in six weeks but again that is for another conversation as I give this 2 stars.

Carver’s Gate (DVD) – A 90s Michael Pare futuristic film that is also known as ‘Cyber Cop’ has a great weird opening with a naked Michael Pare and I thought I was going to be in for  real treat? Sadly it was a mere way too long mess that is a bad mixture of ‘Johnny Mnemonic’ and ‘Brainscan’. This mess has Pare as a “Dream Breaker” or police officer for the virtual reality world. The film has that post-apocalyptic feel but never really dives into that world that may have made this a much better feature? After the main game creator dies in VR space (cheese and crackers this is so 90s) the Dream Breaker must investigate as the line between reality and dream world is blurred. There was a good idea and some monsters in this holy mess might plain and simple this film was a mess from beginning to end as it gets 1 star for Pare’s naked ass!

The Dirty Hands Man (YouTube) – A short crime drama about a group of friends who are brutally murdered around a campfire. Detectives unsuccessfully try to connect dots with a supposed suspect of this horrible night as this sadistic act cannot be explained? I liked where the film goes but for me at least in the end it felt like there was not a true ending as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

Jail Bait (DVD) – Decided to step out of my comfort zone and checked out an Ed Wood film but not one of the ones people know him for. This 1954 crime drama is about a criminal duo Vic Brady and Don George who had a great plan to stick up a theater and leave with a good chunk of change. Problem arises when Vic shoots the security guard and Don has decided he wants to turn himself in after a conversation with his father. Vic not too keen on this idea kidnaps Don and forces Don’s father, a plastic surgeon to change his face so him and his girl can escape the police. Cheesy, bad acting, but there is a certain charm to this flick and Ed Wood for that matter that maybe it’s time for Indy filmmakers remember to keep doing their thing as I give this 2 ½ stars.

Deadly Scavengers (DVD) – This S.O.V. flick is from 2000/2001 where Dr. Fielding has isolated himself and his daughter at a secret lab in the wilderness to create something terrible and hungry! Once this thing gets loose from the lab, communication is lost so a group of mercenaries is put together to investigate and possibly recover this project. This band of rejects or so-called mercenaries is terrible and that is just being nice but hey they take two days or 50 minutes of the film to go hiking through the woods. Or as I like to point out “filler” which gets way worse when they all start to have sex in their tents and going over old stories we never knew about? But nevermind that someone get that one mercenary a burger because her boney ass scared the shit out of me as I was waiting for her naked ass to break in half! “Oh hey mercs, there is only ten minutes left in the film? Can yinz please introduce the giant roach creature and find the isolated lab?” Not saying but just saying… This utter garbage is just that, garbage but I laughed so there is some value to that as I give it 1 star.

Elvira’s Haunted Hills (DVD) – It was time to rewatch Elvira’s second big screen feature that takes place in 1851 Carpathia. Here Elvira is an entertainer down on her luck of sorts until a gentleman gives her a ride to a castle that just happens to be haunted. If Elvira isn’t doing dance numbers, banging the make model, or cracking jokes she is trying to unravel the mystery of the person that died many years ago that looks exactly like her? This feature is fun but nowhere near “Mistress of the Dark” but still watchable as I give it 2 stars.

Bubba’s Dead: The Final Massacre (YouTube) – Dustin Ferguson returns one last time to give this series a proper burial… maybe? As Bubba and Aunties on the highway still going with their murderous ways they have seem to catch the eyes of not just authorities but the media which is not good for the meathook family. Now, with a few of the family left and Auntie and Bubba killing a F.B.I. agent, Bubba’s mother returns to set things right as they can just become a story again. Weirdly and to my surprise this series may have an odd but satisfying ending for those who choose to watch all these films in a row so kudos to Dustin and friends as I give the final installment 2 ½ stars.

Cyber Tracker 2 (VHS) – Don “The Dragon” Wilson is a federal agent Captain Philips who in the future has help from Cyber Tracker #9 who helps busting counterfeit money rings. But things get turned upside for Philips when his reporter wife walks into a major press conference and guns down a man with a huge shootout proceeding after it. Now Cyber Tracker #9 has been assigned to track her down as Philips investigates and finds info that a cyber-clone of her was used! An arms dealer has stolen the secretive Cyber Tracker Tech and plans on making an army of unstoppable androids for world domination. This isn’t another generic ‘Robocop’ flick as this B-action flick goes out of its way to have lots of explosions, shootouts, and a fun ending to the sequel as I give it 2 ½ stars.

The Sword and The Sorcerer (Blu-ray) – If you are over the age of 40 and a fan of fantasy films you do remember this Albert Pyun gem that was released in the early 80s. For the love of Rutger Hauer people: It had a cool looking dude with three swords that shoot at people, Richard Moll as a demon, and Richard Lynch as an evil king! This fantasy film is a wonderful reminder there was other cool shit on film before we started really getting the big budget projects. But just recently a two-disc Blu-ray of the film has been released and it is packed with goodies of not just Pyun telling stories but several people who were involved. They cover everything from the tragic death of a stuntman to what the hell happen to that sequel we were promised to Pyun’s troubles as a first time director on a big time Hollywood project. So do yourself a favor fantasy film fans grab this new release and take a trip down memory lane of Talon and his three pronged sword facing off against a bad ass demon and hell Richard Lynch one the ultimate bad guys to be on film as I give it 4 stars.

Bio-Slime (DVD) – A briefcase holding a genetic mutation has been stolen from a government building for a trade off a mysterious man. Both die and a young woman drives home in a car soaked in blood looking for help from friends. The briefcase is brought in and opened by a drunk artist who is about to be booted from the building. The experiment comes to life and now is infecting the building and feeding upon the poor souls trapped inside with no escape unless this group of people can stay calm and thinks together? The creature or slime monster is great, the setting for this slimy monster and victims is awesome, and the script has fun with the characters that are introduced to us, excellent this what I like about low budget horror films that surprise you and this did as I give it 3 stars.

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