This website is dedicated to horror movies (independent and mainstream), beer, Full Moon, Spookies, Graveyard Shift, Leprechaun sequels, massacre films and watching every god damn horror film ever made or die trying!
This week Tim is on vacation so we called upon the only man who can solve all of our current race related problems T-SHIRT JOE! So firstly on Blaxploitation week John brings us SOUL BROTHERS OF KUNG FU, And Then Joe talks about a Bernie Casey jam called DR. BLACK AND MR. HYDE. And finally Kyle cools us out and chats about a tale of a racist white man played by genre staple WILLIAM SMITH trying to push drugs into a clean neighborhood in BLACK SAMSON. Along the way we talk about all the old time comedy duos we can’t stand, what is with all the recent anti-Asian hatred, Why Kyle now hates THE OUTSIDERS (except Estevez, that dude is harsh), We also cover all the news, Answer all your listener questions, and cover what we have been watching the last week. So download this episode or Bernie Casey won’t cure your bad case of Hepatitis at his Health clinic/thrift store.
We will be hanging out selling my three new books, copies of our latest film Blood Freak, and discussing our next project!
Cinema Wasteland and The Cinema Wasteland Film Appreciation Society Presents: A ONE DAY COLLECTABLE SHOW and RETRO MOVIE NIGHT DOUBLE FEATURE!
Saturday, July 24, 2021 At our usual haunt: The HOLIDAY INN 15471 Royalton Rd., Strongsville, OH. 44136
It’s a One Day Collectable Show featuring approximately 35 tables of Movie Collectibles, DVD and Blu-ray, Movie Posters, Autographs, and More from 10:00am until 5:00pm.
Then, catch Two Classic (or not-so-classic, as the case may be) Drive-In Movies on 16mm Film. Complete with a Cartoon, Short Film and Original Intermission Reel beginning at 7:30pm.
Make an Entire Day and night out of it! Come in during the day to hang out with friends. Do a little browsing and shopping with our Vendors. Grab a bite to eat and a couple of drinks at the hotel bar (or nearby restaurant) and return in the evening to watch the films. The Film Show if Free if you attend during the day, so your Admission gets you into both events all day and night!
Our Saturday Night Film Screenings will Include:
THE HUMAN DUPLICATORS (1964) Kolos (Richard Kiel) arrives to Earth in his Christmas tree ornament shaped space craft to establish a colony on our planet and take over by “duplicating” humans and replacing them with androids. To do this, he first heads to the home of the brilliant Dr. Dornhelmer, the beautiful, but blind, Lisa Dornhelmer (Deloris Faith), and the doctor’s two female lab assistants (Margaret Teele and Alean “Bambi” Hamilton). It isn’t long before Austin Welles (Hugh Beaumont) of the National Intelligence Agency is investigating. A wonderful slice of low budget sci-fi, complete with cheesy effects, beautiful girls, and a twenty five year old Richard Kiel in one of his earliest credited feature film roles.
MUTINY IN OUTER SPACE (1964) Ice caves have been discovered on the moon so a team of scientists from the nearby space station are sent to gather samples. On the way back to the space station, a fungus breaks out on the rocket and begins to spread quickly. The Commander seems to have contracted some sort of space sickness and won’t listen to warnings about the growing fungus from his crew. He orders the ship to return to the space station and ends of spreading the fungus there as well. Soon enough, the fuzzy fungus monster is massive… and it kills! From the same people that brought you The Human Duplicators comes a cheesy sci-fi double feature that actually played together in theaters. Deloris Faith returns from Duplicators, and Francine York is “Captain Stevens.” It may have been made in 1965, but this one will remind you of a 50s sci-fi film from the get go.
INTERMISSION REEL – A terrific 24 minute reel of classic horror and sci-fi movie trailers and original 1940s and 50s drive-in intermission spots will play between features.
THE LITTLE RASCALS in “CHOO-CHOO!” (1932) Hanging around the railroad stop, Spud, Stymie, Dorthy, Wheezer, Breezy, Wally, and baby Spanky are all fascinated with trains and want to take a ride on one. During a stop over on their way to a new home, a group of orphans tell them they can just trade clothing with them take their place on the train. They make life a living hell for the orphans pansy-ass child-hating chaperone, Mr. Henderson, and cause enough mayhem for the other passengers to rival the best Three Stooges shorts. A drunken novelty company salesman passes out noisemakers to all of the kids when everyone is trying to sleep and Spanky and a monkey release the animals from the animal car – including a lion – into the sleeper section of the train, and things get even better!
WOODY WOODPECKER (1945) “The Dippy Diplomate” – The newspaper announces that Ivan Awfulitch, the famous ambassador, is due to have a barbecue with local resident, Wally Walrus. The scent of steaks on the grill attracts an unwelcome guest in the form of Woody Woodpecker…
WHEN:Saturday July 24th 2021. 10am – 5pm and movies start at 7:30pm
WHERE: Holiday Inn 15471 Royalton Rd. Strongsville, OH. 44136
* This is the same Holiday Inn we hold out Cinema Wasteland Movie and Memorabilia Expo’s in twice a year. We’re just taking over one large room for this event and not the entire hotel.
NEED A ROOM? If you would like to spend Friday and/or Saturday night at the Holiday Inn then Click Here (Same prices as CW) Use a computer to make reservations before July 2 (*Phones don’t work well with site*)
ADMISSION: Admission is $7.00 if using a debit or credit card, BUT Only $5.00 Cash. There will be no advance ticket or pass sales for this event so we are offering a cash discount at the door instead.
VENDORS: Tables are nice and affordable and available now. CLICK HERE for more information.
This week Tim, Kyle, and John return to the fray to analyze another 3 more flicks. First Sonny Landham is a messed up Vietnam vet recently released from a psyche ward in FLESHBURN. Then John talks about a Mexican / American co production that is kinda like night of the living dead meets goonies with legendary actor Hugo Stieglitz as a Doctor Loomis type of dude in CEMETERY OF TERROR. And lastly Kyle picks a kung fu grindhouse classic that has a little bit of everything in RAW FORCE; INVADERS OF THER JADE TOMBS. Also we count down our favorite 5 stoner movies in honor of 4/20. More massacre and witchcraft movies. Bad plastic surgeries, the new Mortal Kombat movie, what we have been watching and we also answer all your listener questions. So download this episode or Prince Goro will try to murder your family.
Henchman: The Al Leong Story (DVD) – A wonderful look inside of one of the coolest villains on screen for decades. Even if you didn’t know his name you knew the face and as soon as he appeared you the movie viewer most likely got a little excited. The documentary dives deep into Mr. Leong’s life as he was an established karate champion who loved motorcycles that just happen to do stunt work and loved it. His work got him to work with just about every memorable celebrity in Hollywood. But after his stroke in 2005, Mr. Leong has made a long recovery and only recently started doing interviews and conventions. Love documentaries and got time to kill enjoy this treat and hear all the good stuff said about a man whose face is more recognizable than some of the Hollywood stars of now as I give it 3 stars.
Army of the Dead (On Demand) – The super-hyped Zack Snyder zombie project begins with the military transporting a secret payload aka an unstoppable zombie. An accident happens on the highway outside of Vegas and of course it’s time for a feast for fast changing zombies. After the big fallout some time passes and the city is walled off from the rest of civilization as the government is about to nuke the city to contain the mess. But Dave Batista and is his team of mercs, safe experts, and pilots are given an opportunity to go in to the dangerous zombie filled city and collect 200 million dollars. They have 32 hours until the nukes come raining down! A fun, gory, we get a zombie tiger, popcorn zombie flick that runs way too long but doesn’t take itself too seriously which in the end is a good thing as I give the film 3 stars.
Ouija Mummy (DVD) – From the same people that gave us the disappointing ‘Lycanimator’ came back a year later and gave us a no-budget treat that needs to seeked out by independent film lovers. Anyway a woman brings home some ancient jewelry from a recent Egyptian dig then commits suicide. Not too long after a young couple buys the house and moves in and have a house warming party. Of course Natalie’s guy wants to make her happy and after finding the artifact in the home gives it to Natalie as a house warming gift. Between this and Natalie’s obsession with wanting to play with an Ouija board during the party cause a royal demon to possess Natalie’s body and terror ensues! You will notice a lot of cool Indy names are attached to this project, some cheap but effective effects go a long way, and filmmaker and cast learning from mistakes (Lycanimator) make this a diamond in the rough independent film that not many are talking much about. I give this excellent Indy flick 3 ½ stars as I believe once the story gets going it has this cheap ‘Night of the Demons’ vibe, so enjoy!
Teenage Zombie House Massacre (DVD) – As I refuse to stop looking for ‘massacre’ flicks I find this (2000) grainy 36 minute S.O.V. film from Speed Freak Productions. A group of teenagers plan to have a party at a supposedly haunted house at the end of the tracks. Once there of course it is “sex time”, never mind if the bedroom smells like it is time for them to bang like bunnies! It is all about innocent love in a smelly abandoned home until hidden zombies show up and begin chomping on the young party goers. The film quickly boils down to the teens must pay for disturbing the dead as I give the film 1 ½ stars.
The Last Chase (DVD) – I would have never guessed there is a post-apocalyptic film starring Lee Majors in 1981 but hey we got one and it co-stars the kid who played Rudy in ‘Meatballs’. Lee Majors is Frank Hart a race car driver who like most people has lost his family to a strange virus that shut down the world. As time went on oil was shut off from the public and things went downhill from there. Twenty years has passed and humans have conformed to a more “government is watching” society where rules have changed and no one owns a car. You must use mass transit, walk, or a bike. Frank a loner is still trying to fit in this new life but cannot and digs up his old race car in the garage after being told he needs to watch what he says in a public setting for the ‘utility commission’. Meanwhile a teenager who keeps tapping into the government’s computers believe there is more out there than what the government are allowing you to do? So the misfit hitches a ride with Frank to escape to California so they can live free. The government refuses to allow someone to escape to the Free State so they call up an old jet fighting pilot into duty since pilots no longer exist and have him go after the two. An oddity for Lee Majors I thought but thank the lord Rutger Hauer for someone pointing out this wonderful gem I never heard of as I give it 3 stars.
Teen Massacre (DVD) – In 2004 before ‘Jack Brooks the Monster Slayer’ this young filmmaker put together a short film set in 1986 where a group of students are out in the woods getting soil samples for a class project. Bored, the students stumble upon a half human thing in a locked cage. Curiosity getting the best of the students, they release it and the thing obliterates his victims or said students. This is a glorious fun mess of a short film needing to be revisited again and again as I give it 3 ½ stars.
Supervan (DVD) – This 1977 vanspolitation film has a young man (Morgan) quit his job so he can drive his van to a competition on Halloween weekend to win $5000! But along the way Morgan’s van gets crushed in a junkyard while saving a cute lady from some bikers. So of course he goes visit his engineering buddy who just so happens to be working on this super-secret project aka solar powered van man named Vandora. A project a major car maker doesn’t want the public to know about because he wants all of yinz to keep buying gas guzzlers. So the couple head off to this van festival for all sorts of sex, drugs, and van competition for the coolest van ever! As long as the couple can stay away from the hijinks of Tex they should have no problem winning at the van event as I give the film 2 stars. It felt like ‘Convoy’ but with vans and on Halloween for some odd reason.
The Kansas City Massacre (DVD) – I believe this was a TV movie from 1975 set in the early 30s where two gangsters break out their fellow criminal from prison. Not long from the prison break they go rob a bank and run into another gang they thought was the police at first. They join forces and begin robbing ten different banks in three different states. This catches the eyes of the F.B.I. as they put together a special task force to bring these criminals to justice. Pretty Boy Floyd has second thoughts after one of their partners is captured and sets up a peaceful exchange but a huge shootout happens (Kansas City Massacre) and Floyd comes into info that he was set up by the police commissioner. Floyd wants revenge and even explains to the F.B.I. once he has revenge the criminal activity will end. I give it 2 stars… I knew I was going to watch it as it has ‘massacre’ in the title.
Presidents’ Day Massacre (DVD) – A subpar 2015 no budget horror film where an inmate escapes from prison heading to a place called Little Jamestown. Apparently there was a murder a year ago in the little town and now the masked killer is there to restart his killing spree. The spree begins at a lame house party full of seniors with the reveal of the killer that will most likely put you to sleep as I give it a ½ star.
Gutter Punk Massacre (DVD) – A bad 2014 flick out of New Mexico where it looks like a crazed man in flannel is bursting into houses and killing people. But you quickly find out a middle-aged dude armed with a medical facemask and a blow dart controls this individual to kill randomly. The whole reason for the chaos is because the good doctor is sucking punk ding dong for $20 a pop in the office! The film is a chaotic hot mess that doesn’t make too much sense but has a severed punk wiener picked up by a detective and a hilarious death to the skull by a Pabst beer. The weird part is I could see a cult following for this film if those involved really tried pushing it out there on social media but anyway I give it a ½ star.
Wrath of Man (On Demand) – Jason Statham’s latest where he plays a man who lost his son during a robbery of a cash truck where one of the burglars kill his son in the street. After a short recovery in the hospital he gets a job with the cash truck company simply known as “H”. This helps him get a foot in the door and track down how and why his son died but the kicker is everyone is a criminal and no good guys as I give the film 2 ½ stars.
The Spade County Massacre (DVD) – A small town that was scared to death by a cult several years was put to rest by the town sheriff. The sheriff wrongly accused a local man named Doug and everything seems to go away for about five years. Now there is talk of the cult being back and the sheriff is looking at Doug for anything that may go down in the small town. But with a new deputy on the force who is looking into the old files of this cult not everything looks like they seem with the old sheriff and Doug. The cult believes in resurrection of the dead and in Spade County the dead doesn’t always stay dead. A pretty boring horror flick trying to combine demons, the undead, crooked cop, bad effects, and a serial killer as I give it a ½ star.
You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!
Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!
Dogs (DVD) – The campus of Southwestern University just happens to be a site of a secret government experiment and strange things are starting to happen around the small college town. There have been some odd animal attacks and after a couple dead bodies a couple of university professors are trying to figure out why dogs are traveling and attacking together? Your normal household pet in a split second begins to go for the jugular is if summoned to do it! With each passing day dog attacks rise as the pack of dogs are growing and the professors fear if it isn’t the government these dogs could take over the town as humans must fight dogs to the death. It is a fun “when animal attacks movie” from the 70s that I never heard of before and was happy to sit and watch it. Interesting factoid besides this not being a TV movie flick is that there was a sequel planned called ‘Cats’. The ending even sets it up but this film did lousy at the box office so the sequel was scrapped immediately but don’t let that stop you from enjoying another 70s gem as I give it a solid 2 ½ stars.
Invasion of the Blood Farmers (DVD) – A weirdo early 70s ultra-low budget flick that takes place in Jefferson Valley where everybody knows each other including the sheriff’s deputy who sits at the bar all day drinking. Over the past few weeks a few people go missing which never happens and no takes too much notice until old man Jim falls into the bar a bloody mess and dies. Blood samples from Old Jim’s body have pathologists baffled on what exactly is the cause? But a couple of weird famers are snatching people up and harvesting human blood to bring their queen back to the living as they are controlled by a man called “the Lord Druid”. If you are into wacky horror fun like a ‘Motel Hell’ then this low budget affair is right up your alley as I give this fun mess 3 stars.
Torso (DVD) – Holy crap this Eye-talian sleazefest is from 1973 and about a masked man that is stalking college women in Italy and strangling them with his red scarf. After a death or two near the college a group of women head out to a villa discussing the murders for some ‘girl time’. But the killer follows them to the villa and has a bloody good time trying to hack them to bits! I am not a giallo fan but always willing to watch one and this always had me curious. If you take out the sleaze you can see the early 80s slasher formula a decade before we were seeing it on a regular basis here in the states as I give this film 2 ½ stars.
Water Wars (DVD-R) – Well it took a while to track this post-apocalyptic “Corman Presents” flick down as it stars Michael Madsen, a couple Playboy Playmates, and directed by Cirio H. Santiago with Jim Wynorski stepping in after illness. Supposedly finished in 2011 but never released until 2014 but I couldn’t find a physical copy for sale or the film on any streaming sites but as usual give me time and the movie will find me. Once you get past the filler (stock footage from several Filipino post-apocalyptic films that I believe takes up half of the film) water is the only currency of course. An evil warlord Bane is hell bent on tracking down a water source and believes there is springs of fresh water hidden in the mountains but can never capture anyone that knows where it is until now. A gun for hire named Slade is hired by a beautiful lady who claims to know where this spring is if he rescues her sister from Bane. Slade does the job but now Bane and his evil followers are coming to ravage the village but not Slade and his new lady bump uglies like they were in a freakin ‘Witchcraft’ film. This was a poor excuse of a post-apocalyptic film that I should have left buried but you know me as I give it 0 stars.
The Embalmers (DVD) – An exciting fresh filmmaker named Rebecca Rinehart has just released her first full feature that isn’t a straight up horror movie as much as something a little different… The film revolves around the “Quint” family who own a funeral home and been operating it in their small town for over a hundred years. The Quint family might be a little odd of how they do things but they have been dealing with the dead long enough that the locals trust them with their journey to rest in peace. But there are supernatural forces that are not there for the good of man and Cy is able to read minds besides having a connection with a little girl who wears KISS makeup all the time! Through this power Cy has figured out his family must put a stop to this evil force that has bodies piling up all over town. The film is very dialogue driven, with a splash of blood, and supernatural elements that don’t bludgeon you over the head. Now I would have liked a few minutes edited out to make it a quicker pace film but saying that I believe most of the dialogue is vital for the viewer to know what is going on. Overall Rebecca did a solid job first time out and has me excited to see what else she has up next for independent movie fans as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars. P.S. there was a weird thing that I noticed during one scene where Antwoine Steele is standing behind some shelves just waiting/not doing anything in the morgue and I am not totally sure why? Was it an editing error or a scene cut…? Again weird but doesn’t take away from the solid effort.
Marabunta (DVD) – Killer South American ants have been awaken near a small Alaskan town that just happen to have a volcano that may or may not be active. After some research from a vacationing scientist and a school teacher they believe the volcano’s recent activity is what awakens the ants and now the ants want to take over the town one section at a time. This cheesy late 90s flick stars Mitch Pileggi as the town sheriff but the film still doesn’t hold a candle to the 70s killer ant movies as I give it 1 ½ stars.
High Ballin’ (DVD) – If there was such a thing as “truckersploitation” then we found it starring Jerry Reed of course. Duke is a respected independent trucker who is bucking the system in a lot of truckers’ minds. But a trucking company called King Carol Cargo is pressuring him to join as quite a few Indy drivers have gotten robbed and almost killed by some masked bandits. With the help of a buddy in Peter Fonda the two are trying to outlast this company until Duke decides to retire but that isn’t soon enough for the cargo company. If you are old like me and enjoy ‘BJ and the Bear TV show’ and ‘Smoky and the Bandit’ films then you’ll enjoy a shitload of Jerry Reed and CB radio talk as I give it 2 stars.
Swarm (DVD) – This 2007 killer ant film has several titles including my favorite: Ants on a Plane, Destination: Infestation, and Deadly Swarm. Anyway on a flight from Colombia these bullet ants (very bad ass ants) hitch a ride inside the chest cavity of an asshole passenger and explode out of his chest once the flight is up and over the ocean. So with limited time and nowhere to go to land an entomologist and an air marshal must figure out how to combat these mutant ants before the government shoots the plane down before reaching US soil. This Canadian TV movie wasn’t too exciting but would have been a little more watchable if someone would have kept screaming “get these F’N ants off this mother F’N plane”! But we didn’t get that so I could only give it 1 star.
Willy’s Wonderland (DVD) – Nic Cage in a ‘Banana Splits Movie’ rip-off sort of… okay I am in! Anyhow Nic Cage is only known as “the janitor” throughout the film as he doesn’t utter one word throughout but does grunt once or twice while playing pinball. The man with no name is speeding on empty roads until he hits a police zigzag that punctures all four tires of his sports car. Gets a tow into town but only has credit, no cash. So the tow truck driver introduces him to Tex the owner of Willy’s Wonderland or a version of Chuck E. Cheese or whatever you remember it to be in your city many moons ago. Willy’s is a kid party center with animatronic band but actually serial killers dressed as the band who play music and kill families a decade or two ago. After the satanic ritual and many more deaths of those who enter the place was closed down Tex and others lure people here to please the things inside. So the janitor spends one night inside cleaning the place and his car will be fixed free of charge. The animatronic beings begin to play music but the janitor ignores, they begin to stalk him he ignores, they finally confront him and if it isn’t break time Nic Cage begins to massacre these evil beings and throws them in the dumpster. Weird, gory, Nic Cage, deals with the devil, lots of fun stuff but I still like ‘The Banana Splits Movie’ just a little bit more as I give this 3 stars.
Lycanimator (DVD) – A scientist is asked to give up his secret formula but instead of giving it up uses it on himself and murdering his family. Little time passes as we are introduced to a group of college-aged friends who are heading to the old Phillips home for the weekend and they are warned not to go into the basement. After they drink themselves silly and there is no alcohol left they go into the basement to find the formula believing it is booze. Jeff is forced to drink it and begins to bleed green but of course he becomes a super sex champ to bang his hot tatted up girlfriend May before transforming into a mutated melting werewolf ripping his friends a part. Honestly this film is a hot mess that only lasts 50 minutes (without credits). Kudos for you getting a Todd Sheets cameo, along with several other voice cameos, a cool creature, and the hot actress Cayt Feinics (awesome tattoos), but in my opinion this film had so much untapped potential especially with the mutating melted werewolf creature that never came to life as I give it 1 star.
You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!
Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!
This week we have a “diet Tim” episode as his mom has banged up her ankle, but don’t worry he shows up later to talk about his and John’s continued journey to watch all the Witchcraft movies. But as usual we will be covering 3 more great flicks. First Kyle talks about a wild, wild, kung fu monster mash as it’s robots vs. monsters in INFRA-MAN. Then Tim talks about a very popular slasher in THE MULIATOR. And finally John picked a really good taxi cab revenge flick starring Robert Forrester and the very greasy Joe Spinell in WALKING THE EDGE. Also we chat about the continued shittiness of Charles Band, the greatness that is the Creepshow T.V. series, the recent episode of Joe Bob. And as always we read all the news, answer your questions and cover what we have been watching recently. So download this episode or we will shove a giant fish hook into your nether regions.
Bridge of Dragons (DVD) – A 1999 film starring Dolph Lundgren who plays good soldier under an evil general that seeks to marry a young princess of a modern day kingdom. The princess does not want to marry and escapes for a brief time from the kingdom only to be recaptured by Dolph. But things don’t go well at the meeting point as the evil general played by Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa puts a beat down on the princess and Dolph goes rogue in order to help her. They try to seek out revolutionists that are willing to fight with them to bring the kingdom peace again. The film isn’t too exciting until the climax where we get the fight we want to see between Dolph and Tagawa, good stuff. If not a Dolph fan I would keep skipping through the streaming channels as I give this okay fantasy flick 1 ½ stars.
Sweepers (DVD) – This film starring Dolph Lundgren and Bruce Payne starts off pretty slow as these two dudes a part of the Humanitarian Order of Chivalry that sweep for mines in Angola in order to help the civilians there during the civil war. During some chaos Erikson’s son dies in the minefield causing him to leave the H.O.C. but to stay in Angola since there is nothing to go home too. Five years pass and the U.S. government decides to go looking for the landmine expert after they believe experimental mines were used in a terrorist attack and it all points to Angola. A young agent named Flynn is charged with finding Erikson and having him show her where found these experimental landmines as she need proof for the boys back home. While these two bicker about what should be done and how? The two get mixed up with some bad dudes who are using the computerized landmines to keep people away from their diamond shipments. Starts slow but it ends with a wonderful big train explosion that helps as I give the flick 2 stars.
Blackjack (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren in a John Woo film with a little supporting help from Fred Williamson where Dolph aka Jack aka becomes Uncle Jack after he protected a daughter of a casino owner. When the casino owner and wife die in an “accident” Jack is given custody of Casey who adores her new Uncle Jack. But with this new duty Jack must juggle his new “dad life” with protecting a drug-addicted model that screws him over soon as he leaves her sight. The movie is a little long but a pretty entertaining flick with the name power the film has as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Witchcraft XII: In the Lair of the Serpent (DVD) – This 2004 sequel stars no one but has two known independent names attached to it (David Sterling and Brad Sykes). This entry took seven minutes before it had a sex scene and it took the dude to be blindfolded in order for it to happen. Were they going for the fetish thing? Was I missing something here? Or was it just an excuse to have a hooded person come in and kill the blindfolded man… Couple minutes later the cops are way ahead of everyone as they talk demons and the supernatural like this happen every day? Remember we are in Witchcraft world but it took 11 movies for them to accept this. Moving on, the gist I got from this entry is some terrible dude or thing in a crappy club that only has like two rooms to get your freak on is using his laser eyes to suck your soul out. So just to make it more interesting Will Spanner and his pierced nipple shows up to bang his dead friend’s girlfriend three times so she could get over the supernatural tragedy. The film is a complete mess but far from the worst because that entry has yet to come as I give this 1 star.
Star Hunter (DVD) – A weirdo direct-to-video film from 1995 that stars Roddy McDowall, Stella Stevens, and Zach Ward! A being escapes some intergalactic space prison and heads to earth to hunt these humans. The group of humans that is picked for this hunt is a couple lost ball players, a cheerleader, and a principal/school bus driver. There is force fields, cops get involved eventually, and a very lame alien hunter that is hunted also by another intergalactic being who takes over Zach Ward’s body to stop this hunter. Yes, the movie is laughable but oddly entertaining as I give it 2 stars.
Witchcraft XIII: Blood of the Chosen (DVD) – This 2008 entry has Will Spanner struggling with his dark past again as murders are happening around him causing Will to feel he is falling into the darkness. He must solve the mystery quickly before he says fuck it after 11 films and go to the dark side. These murders disturb Will as the victims are having their hearts ripped out and of course… the detectives don’t have a clue. They begin to get worse again as I give this film a ½ star.
Witchcraft XIV: Angel of Death (DVD) – Just when you thought you hit the bottom of the barrel this series finds a whole new level of suck! A trilogy of films released in early 2017 begins with the two detectives finding a naked dead body at the Motor Hotel. Meanwhile we are introduced to a young lady named Rose who has killed two people by accident as she is unaware of her witch powers. Rose distraught now tries speaking with mom but that doesn’t go well which then leads her to a dude named Yogi Samuel. You know that dude that owns the local Yoga studio down the street and just happens to be a powerful warlock who claims to be given witches a safe place to use their powers. What Rose doesn’t know Yogi has her in his plans that will help make a prophecy come true! This was hilariously bad. Not laughable entertaining bad but yinz should have stopped at part 13 as I give this entry 0 stars.
Witchcraft XV: Blood Rose (DVD) – After Yogi Samuel failed with Rose, the weirdo assistant Sharon takes over the evil ways of the Yoga studio but in secret (shhhh!) so Rose doesn’t get wise to what is going on. A month passes after the last film and the Yoga coven focuses its energy on Rose again. Sharon learns to use Rose by possessing her and take people’s souls since Rose is such a powerful witch but has yet to learn her full potential. Sharon’s goal is to use these souls to bring forth Satan… how lame. Even with Spanner’s best efforts in making the Yoga girls say they are sorry evil still finds a way to survive one more movie as I give this flick 0 stars.
Witchcraft XVI: Hollywood Coven (DVD) – Finally the last entry but wait a minute… all the characters from the past two films are back to do a spoof! WTF? The cast is trying out for a low budget series of films called “Crystal Force” and guess what they are on part 16. Here’s the catch there are rumors actors disappear after every entry? In reality or the context of this dumb ass spoof a warlock is actually killing his leads in hopes of bringing forth Satan. Quick second here folks have yinz noticed a trend in this series: these so-called warlocks suck out loud when trying to bring forth Satan. I bet you Julian Sands would have no problem! I laughed hard at this film and not in a good way as the film uses flashbacks (about 20 minutes or so of them) disguised as scenes from past “Crystal Force” films. This isn’t spoofing kids this is called a sad excuse called filmmaking and it sucks and went downhill so bad in these last three entries. Not even showing a warlock dong could have save this last film as I give it negative stars.
From Hell It Came (DVD) – A late 50s drive-in flick where a chief of an island tribe has his son killed because of his father dying. Something about getting poison from the American scientists, who the scientists are there actually to treat the tribe for the plague caused by nuclear fallout. The natives set in their ways do not trust the outsiders! But the fallout helps the corpse rise from the grave as a killer tree to get revenge on those who accused him of wrongdoing. Fun B-movie stuff as I give it 2 stars.
Panic at Lakewood Manor (DVD/YouTube) – A ‘made-for-TV’ film from the 70s that was also known as ‘Ants!’ and also known as ‘It Happened at Lakewood Manor’. An all-star cast is at the lakeside hotel that may or may not be up for sale to an oncoming asshole. But what little the guests know is that they are all about to be invaded by what was believed to be harmless pests but now an angry army of ants. A construction crew working on a project next to Lakewood Manor disturbs a colony of ants that sends them descending onto the hundred year old hotel and it’s only a matter of time before people begin dying from the ant bites. A fun “when nature fights back” flick that will have your parents wanting more and bring up some embarrassing memories of your siblings who bothered them when the parents watched the first time around before cable as I give it 2 ½ stars.
You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!
Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!
Well folks this is it! Our big ass announcement! Beginning in August, Drunken Yinzers Productions will begin principal photography on a new film. It’s an anthology horror film based on the insane stories of our co-founder Tim Gross! This will be the most ambitious production we’ve done so far and that’s why we need some help from our fans, friends, and all yinz jagoffs. This film will have some cool F/X from our friend Angel Thunder Scorpion O’Connor and we need your hard earned cash to get her the stuff she needs to make it work. So please donate whatever you can. There’s a lot of cool perks for helping us out too. Seriously weird shit! Also we’re asking everyone to share the hell out of this thing over the next few months. Get it as far out into facebook land as you can. Or any social media platform. We love you guys and can’t wait to bring you this new film. It’s gonna be a blast! Thanks again for donating and sharing. We owe yinz a perogi dinner!
This week Tim, Kyle and John return with a little of this, a little of that, and 3 more fine flicks to yammer on about. First a bona fide classic starring the one the only Vincent Price in WITCHFINDER GENERAL A>K>A> THE CONCOURER WORM. Next we have what happens when the eye-talians collide with the Canadians to make a giant monster flick smothered in campy goofiness in YETI: GIANT OF THE 20th CENTHRY. And finally John talks about a movie with an amazing title released by Troma in STUFF STEPHANIE IN THE INCENERATOR. Along the way we chat about the current witchcraft marathon the Tim and John are on, the current rash of celebrity deaths, and the greatness that is Dan Aykroyd. We also do the norm of what we have been watching, All the news that is fit to print (of make up if your Bloody Disgusting.com), and we answer all your listener questions. So download this episode or you won’t be part of the next spontaneous mass sponge migration.
Witchcraft VII: Judgement Hour (DVD) – So in this 1995 entry it takes a whole two minutes for a vamp at a club to pick up a beautiful girl, bang her on the bar, then bite her to turn her. You know real life soft-core stuff that happens all the time. Of course it is not long before Will Spanner the lawyer is waist deep in the supernatural trying to help two cops solve this mysterious case of club murder. Just in case you need to know the vampires can survive sunlight for no reason at all while Will proves he is a weak ass warlock that has ever graced the screen. The sex scenes are the filler for this vamp filled adventure that I must point to those who believe ‘Troll 2’ is the worst film ever have never seen this piece of garbage. This entry is “Christmas Season Massacre’ bad folks with acting that might be the worst of the series yet? You’re not missing much here kids as I would just go on to movie number eight as I give this porn, oh I mean film 0 stars.
Witchcraft VIII: Salem’s Ghost (DVD) – Speaking of this entry it begins in 1692 where a servant of Satan is stabbed in the heart, burned at the stake, buried into a wall and marked to warn any who would try to disturb it. I had to laugh at this period scene as no one looked like they belonged in 1692… Anyway fast forward to present day 1996 a quirky couple buys a big old house in Salem where the servant of Satan was buried in the basement. What was real crazy was it took almost ten full minutes into the flick for our first graphic sex scene. This opener sex scene is for fans of food and fake sex but so much better than the last entry. Moving on Professor Dunaway who bought the house with his girlfriend teaches a class that touches on witchcraft which then in turn sets up the scene with his plumber neighbor. The dumb neighbor finds the crypt behind the wall in the basement thinking there is a leak and breaks it open. This unleashes the warlock that shakes the house to its core causing a witch hunter to immediately show up to cleanse the home or at least buy it from the couple. But the evil warlock’s ghost is not going to go quietly unless the couple is able fix the crypt trapping him again forever. This entry was much more tolerable and seem to keep it moving story wise as I have to give it 1 ½ stars.
Raw Force (DVD) – If someone explained this film to people who never heard of it you would call bullshit! Three guys from an American karate club are heading to a place called “Warrior’s Island”. Along their journey some sneaky dudes and bootleg Hitler don’t want the three to make it. Not because the island is full of cannibal monks who are trying to raise dead warriors of the past to fight karate club guys. But Bootleg Hitler is trying to move them along to a different island as Hitler and his cronies are trading women for jade and making a bundle on the mainland. Folks, some weird shit go down in this flick and it’s wonderful. So grab a six pack and some friends and enjoy as I give this hilarious mess 3 stars.
Cemetery of Terror (DVD) – If you claim you have seen all the zombie films ever made you haven’t laid eyes on this 1985 entry into the genre. It is Halloween and a group of friends head to an abandoned home for a party. When the girls think the party is a flop and want to be taken home the character Jorge finds a book that talks about the devil and raising the dead. Hold on kids as first the group of friends needs to visit the morgue to steal a body for their fake ritual they are going to have. If that isn’t enough the body the group of friends steals happens to be a notorious serial killer who does believe in the devil. They drop it in the graveyard, read some nonsense from the book, it begins to storm, presto changeo the dead rise! As the undead killer slashes his way through the friends, a Mexican version of ‘The Goonies’ breaks out with some trick-or-treaters as a side story. I didn’t love it but was surprised how entertained by it I was as I give the flick 2 ½ stars.
Fleshburn (DVD) – In 1975 Calvin a Vietnam vet was placed in an insane asylum because he was deemed, “Not to know right from wrong any longer.” Some time passes and Calvin breaks out of his hell to track down the four doctors who put him there. Once captured he takes the four out to the desert to be in their own hell as the desert will decide their fate. Most the film is the four doctors struggling to cope with finding shelter, water, etc., in the desert knowing Calvin is watching. Mostly it was a terrible decision to waste the talent of Sonny Landum as Calvin as he doesn’t have much screen time even though he is the main character. Plus, the ending of this film just sucks out loud leaving you question what you may have done if this happened to you? For that I could only give this film 1 star as it left a bad taste in my mouth because I was expecting much more.
The New Mexico Weed Wacker Massacre (DVD) – There is now a three-way tie for “worst movie ever” between this film, ‘The Christmas Season Massacre’, and ‘Witchcraft VII’! But and there is a big BUT, I wanna remake this film… Now that you question reading any of my reviews ever this 2008 47 ½ minute film is centered on an angry old war vet named Frank. His wallet has been stolen, can’t get disability, and Frank wants revenge on the world. Next thing you know a dude in a 80s Mylec goalie mask with a weed wacker goes on a killing spree in this terrible creation that I couldn’t stop watching. The film is so terrible but literally the filmmaker went out of their way to make this terrible as the movie was supposed to be a horror spoof that doesn’t reveal this more than halfway through. The editing is piss poor, there is a random scene playing on top of another scene, the sound is all over the place, dead characters move (not on purpose), characters are fed lines during scenes, and it’s an abomination. Come on kids you make the directors of ‘Jagoff Massacre’ seem like Oscar winning filmmakers. Now saying that, I wanna remake this garbage called a film as I give 0 stars and believe it can be made better.
Witchcraft IX: Bitter Flesh (DVD) – This mid-90s entry begins with a ‘Witchcraft’ clip show and we get independent vet Stephanie Beaton playing Detective Lutz and for good reason. Our lawyer Will Spanner is dead and wanders the Earth searching for the reason why no one can see him until he runs into a smoking hot escort (Sheila) who recently had a near death experience. This experience allows her to hear Will Spanner and try to help him as he tries to help her. But the real question is why does this escort keep putting money in her thong? Isn’t that counterproductive or impractical? Sheila now goes out of her way to help Will as she believes in him being a gentleman. We get less sex scenes for this 1997 entry but they are much more graphic and seem more scripted or geared to audiences of the late 90s that refused to watch full porn? I have to give this entry 1 ½ stars just for Landon Hall’s performance as the escort.
Witchcraft X: Mistress of the Craft (DVD) – This 1998 sequel takes Stephanie Beaton aka Detective Lutz to the UK where she is there to help the Brits with their bisexual vamp problem. You know the genre that haunted the shelves of video stores for about a three year period. Also I thought ‘Witchcraft IX’ could not be topped in the sex scene department well part ten proved me wrong as they decided to have two graphic sex scenes going at the same time. They go back and forth for a few minutes! And just to top it off we get Stephanie Beaton in an erotic bubble bath. Hey weirdos you there was some awesome porn in the 90s right? But I am getting off subject as Lutz helps UK authorities to crack down on these vamps so they can no longer exist. If there is one thing I take away from this film is I do wander if the director Michael Paul Girard truly made the first schlocky porn? For this and Stephanie Beaton I give it 1 ½ stars.
Altitude (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren and a few others hijack a plane to capture an ex-partner Terry who has just stolen from them. But unbeknownst to the feisty hijackers Denise Richards is a FBI agent who is going to stop the hijacking! Wait… WTF? Okay folks I gave the film a chance especially since Lundgren’s character stays in the cockpit the whole film but there was a fight between Denise Richards’s character and Chuck Liddell. Yep, that is not happening this movie should have ended there as Dolph collected a paycheck and I wanna know what the hell Denise Richards do to her face… Bad move, as I give this 1 star.
Grizzly II: Revenge (DVD) – It’s the 80s people of course there is going to be an unregulated concert in a national park and a crazed bear is causing chaos. The unknown unfinished film that has wandered the bootleg bins for quite a while has been pseudo-finished by a company that most likely figured out how to get around the rights issues. Someone died or they just chose to edit out all the Michael Jackson stuff. So finally out of nowhere we get this supposedly finished sequel to the 1976 classic. For those who don’t know this film has a gathering of stars before they were stars in this production that took place in Hungry. After a ton of issues financially and behind the scenes the project was just considered lost. For a few years now the bootleg has shown up at every major horror convention for horror fans like me to be surprised by the stories and the film. The original work print, unfinished version was terrible. But hey we got to have it just because. Anyway a company come in edited it, did some color correction, and threw in some stock footage of a forest and presto changeo you have a finished film sort of. It is still a story about Grizzly’s cub is shot by poachers and Mama is pissed. So the grizzly just randomly hunts down campers and eventually ends up at this most random concert in a park ever. Meanwhile park rangers are told by concert promoters to get rid of the problem quietly. This newer edited footage is a more coherent version of the film but I feel the asking price for this DVD or Blu-ray is still too much as it is a bare bones disc. Plus as much I wanted this out there legit I feel fans got a little cheated or misled as there was info out there they were supposedly adding or using found unused footage of the film in this newer version? Who knows for sure as my podcast partner Kyle would say, “Buyer beware…” as I give it 2 stars for being completely finished maybe but the luster of it being something few know about is gone and will debated over beers in the future.
Witchcraft XI: Sisters in Blood (DVD) – This new entry of the millennium brings back genre vet Stephanie Beaton as Detective Lutz and the Will Spanner character and not even 30 seconds in kids people are bumping uglies! Once we get that ugliness out of the way we have three way too sexy drama students who get topless in a graveyard for inspiration to breathe life into their performances on stage. Unknowing the threesome conjures something evil but not more of a douchebag than their drama teacher. It may have happen because they wanted to be in touch with their inner witches (I am trying hard here to make sense of this). Some weird things happen between the three women as they are slowly possessed by this evil to eventually two of them have a threesome with the drama teacher. You would think this would be the highlight of the ‘Witchcraft’ sexcapades but this may have been the shortest and unsatisfying moment of the series? But they more than make up for it killing the drama teacher with stabbing to the eyes and giving us a good bit of blood and guts! After this little ritual it becomes clear they are possessed to bring forth Abaddon. Most of the film is laughable but they do squeeze in some classic corny porn music and for that I give it 1 star.
You can find all of my books at www.lulu.com just search for Gross Movie Reviews or Tim Gross there!
Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!
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