Gross Movie Reviews #398

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Gross Movie Reviews #398

 

Deadly Instincts (DVD) – In the U.S. this 90s flick is known as ‘Breeders’. Almost everywhere else it is known as ‘Deadly Instincts’. Believe me when you see the video box or poster you most likely walked past this flick at some point in time at a video store. A U.F.O. happens to crash land at an all-girls college, hooray for us horndogs! There is a creature inside with an alien woman also scurrying about. The creature is there to stalk beautiful women down to see who can be a suitable host for its offspring. The bodies begin piling up and no one is listening to the teacher who’s banging his favorite student. Eventually the authorities find the secret tunnels under the college and begin to investigate but are no match for the creature! We have bootleg Pumpkinhead, bootleg Julie Strain, it’s from the U.K., I am in every time as I give the 90s flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Lego Batman Movie (Theater) – We all can argue to our deaths that DC universe has fucked up a lot shit. But when it comes to “Lego Batman” they do not fuck around and take a cue from the first ‘Lego Movie’ and run with it. The film is based around Batman being awesome and the ultimate hero of course, but with Commissioner Gordon retiring and Gotham not needing Batman any longer he is lonely. But Batman has always been a loner? With the Joker in the asylum cooking up his next plan Batman comes face to face with why his life is incomplete. In a series of events of sending the Joker to the “Phantom Zone”, Joker is able to hatch his latest ultimate plan in hopes of Batman understanding he needs to hate the Joker. Batman soon understands he needs family to conquer evil. Great story and Batman fans will not be disappointed as filmmakers find a way to incorporate every incarnation of Batman and his movies throughout the film. More than likely this will be one of the best movies you watch in 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Superbeast (DVD) – An early 70s flick about a woman doctor who goes to the jungles of the Philippines to investigate a strange happening. Back in the states she is called in to do an autopsy on a man or thing that terrorized a plane on its way from the Philippines. Instead of discovering something great in evolution she discovers bootleg Dr. Moreau whose mistakes are hunted for sport by a rich dude. Somewhat boring but does have a good ending as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

House 4: Repossession (DVD) – Before you even ask I do not think any of the ‘House’ movies have anything to do with each other including part 4 that happens to star William Katt. For those who might not know Mr. Katt starred in the 80s classic original that also co-starred Richard Moll and George Wendt where his old dead army buddy kidnaps his kid. This sequel does not even come close to being that good. I also believe this movie was under a different title but somebody thought they could cash in on the title ‘House’ when William Katt was in it and they were wrong. This flick has William Katt (Roger) inherit his father’s old house. Apparently his grandfather made a blood oath and the house must stay in Roger’s family. When a tragic accident takes Roger’s life, his wife and daughter movie into the place thinking it’s the right thing to do. Until the half-brother keeps pushing for them to sell the house and strange things keep happening (a pizza that sings then gets stab to explode all over the lead actress). I give the film 1 star and still wondering if it was a true sequel where is Brion James and Lance Henriksen and shouldn’t it be called ‘The Horror Show 2’?

 

The Night Shift (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite and hardest working filmmakers Massimiliano Cerchi (say that five times fast in a Pittsburgh/yinzer accent) is back with his latest film that centers around Frank the security guard. Frank has just scored the ultimate cushy guard duty job of working overnight to watch a mansion for some rich dude. Only catch don’t fall asleep? Frank gets bored quickly but is unsure of how this is an easy deal even with Frank’s boss explaining it’s an easy deal and don’t fall asleep. Frank still unsure of the big mysterious home finds himself dozing off to sleep and being awakened by strange things. The strange things are demons fucking with Frank and clearly the best part of the film. The plot of the film is solid if it was a half hour or so? But its longer running time especially without really introducing the demons sooner may bore some viewers. Now the film only runs 65 minutes but the demons are that fucking awesome they deserved more screen time. The demons are the allure of watching this film and I would give this film a more favorable review if I got more of those bad ass creepy demons. The demons are the stars of this story and felt they needed to be fleshed out more? Hell, if they were in it more maybe this could be marketed as ‘Demons 7’ and found a way for Caroline Munro to make a cameo. I just feel when you have such cool looking and possibly interesting creatures/demons you should build the film around them not the other way around… Anyway I still got mad respect for Mr. Cerchi as a filmmaker because I have no doubt he is working on something better as I give this project 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

The Dead of Night (DVD) – Some high school students party at the cemetery all the time. So when the popular students invite the geeks to their little party site you know nothing good is going to come of it. The prank goes wrong when the two geeks are attacked by a creature that changes them and now they want to take over other students. Not a really exciting 1 star horror movie.

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Never Too Young to Die (YouTube) – Finally this mid-80s gem will find its way onto Blu-ray and all will be right with the world as I spent most of the 90s looking for this flick. The most random action thriller that stars a young John Stamos as Stargrove, a cross-dressing villain named Ragnar played by Gene Simmons, Vanity as a secret agent, and Robert Englund for five minutes as a sadistic mad computer bomber! It played a few times on HBO in the mid-80s and all but disappeared the video stores I frequented and when I explained it (pre-internet) people thought I made it up? Lance Stargrove is a gymnast whose father is a legendary secret government agent who is killed by Ragnar and his fingernail for a program disk that could poison the water supply for a hundred years. When the disk cannot be found Ragnar sits back to allow Lance to find the disk for him. Lance finds out with his father’s death he inherits a farm where Vanity rides horses and random extras from the Mad Max films show up looking to kill for the disk! The movie has at least ten ideas crammed into one film in a good way and may be the best film featuring Gene Simmons. The movie is one big fun random mess that I enjoy still 30 years later as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Stryker (DVD) – I found another post-apocalyptic film from the Philippines that Roger Corman’s production company produced that begins with the phrase “whoever controls the water controls the world.” Everyone is looking for water in the wastelands: midgets, women in shoulder pads, men in S&M gear but a man named Stryker roams the wastelands defending people against evil. When he finds a woman whose colony has an endless supply of water he must help and defend her and her colony from all who will kill for it. I give the flick 1 ½ stars but this is the first of many post-apocalyptic flicks from our buddy who gave us: Equalizer 2000, Future Hunters, Wheels of Fire, and a few others. You can see what he perfected over the series of films go along in the 80s…

 

Ebola Zombies (DVD) – It begins and ends with a bunch of political mumbo jumbo comparing zombies to soulless people of today. An Asian zombie film about a jewelry heist that goes sideways when the thieves find a scientist experimenting with the SARS and Ebola virus. Zombies everywhere and slow motion fight scenes make me wanna puke and have nightmares of the ‘Resident Evil’ sequels. I give it 0 stars.

 

Mom (DVD) – A strange and interesting werewolf film from the early 90s about Nester (Brion James) who happens to infect a news anchor’s mom when renting a room from her. The news anchor scrambles to keep his mother in check as she goes out at night to feed on humans. When her son questions why she does it and answer is, “I’m hungry and it helps my arthritis.” It’s a fun lower budgeted werewolf flick that I wouldn’t be surprised it was made two or three years before its release as it doesn’t fit the time. But the appeal of Brion James and cheesy werewolf effects make this a must watch for us movie nerds as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ice Soldiers (DVD) – Michael Ironside and Dominic Purcell are part of a secret research team looking into the mysterious events in Canadian Artic in 1962 and trying to tap the land for oil. The story goes with everyone paying attention to the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 while three soldiers in Swiss uniforms are found in the artic after a plane crash. They kill all who is there except a woman scientist who is raped. 50 years pass and now a new team is there to possibly find out answers. They get more than they bargain for when the soldiers unfreeze and begin killing again as they have a mission to complete. The film is a really cool B-movie action/thriller surprise you are not expecting if you enjoy these types of films. Plus Michael Ironside… 3 stars, enough said.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

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Gross Movie Reviews #371

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Gross Movie Reviews #371

 

By Tim Gross

 

Passed the Door of Darkness (DVD) – Two detectives that are having trouble catching a serial killer that is always one step ahead. The older detective finds out he has a brain tumor and is blacking out. Eventually he comes to the realization that the killer is him. The film fails to try and hide who is the killer from the start and just about put me to sleep trying finish the film as I give it a ½ star.

 

Wer (DVD) – The film begins with a family hiking it out in the middle of rural France only to capture their vicious animal attack that killed the husband and kid and scarred the wife, Claire Porter. Immediately, local authorities bring in a very large hairy man that doesn’t talk much and lived with his mother nearby the attack. This gets the attention of an American Human Rights Lawyer, Kathrine, who has a practice there and wants to represent the very large hairy man, Talan. The local authorities disregard that only an animal could do the damage it did and this man Talan has a rare disease that affects his joints, bones, etc. So it seems like a slam dunk for the lawyer to get Talan off from this brutal murder. But tests keep coming up inconclusive; the police know more than they are saying and Kathrine and friends dig deeper into Talan and his family and find a history like no other. That’s when the movie gets even more interesting when Talan escapes and begins a city wide murder spree! A werewolf flick with a whole different spin on the werewolf legend in this American/French production that was shot in Romania. On top of that I loved the creature and blood effects in this entertaining and refreshing spin on the werewolf genre. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

Evil Bong 420 (DVD) – Who says, “You can go to the well too many times”? Apparently Charles Band ignores that phrase with this entry into the “Evil Bong” series. The film is a sequel of sorts to “Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong”, which the movie came inside a cereal box where the cereal tasted like a generic ‘Cookie Crisp’ in case you were not paying attention? Anyhow Sonny Davis’s character manages to break out of Eebee’s weed fog inside the bong reality and open up a topless bowling alley. Once, Charles Band makes sure all of the characters from both franchises made their appearances exception of Tommy Chong. Gingerdead Man makes his escape and Eebee is pissed as she comes back to take her revenge in capturing all who escaped. Thus setting up another sequel… I give it 1 star just for the mere reason I am still a fan of Charles Band, Sonny Davis, Robin Sydney, and David Decoteau made an appearance! Plus it doesn’t help the film come off as one long ad for Full Moon merch. Sorry Mr. Band you have a few websites for that.

 

Cyborg Cop III (DVD) – The film was originally called “Terminal Impact”. But honestly who is paying attention to that except for Jon Cross, maybe Ed Demko’s dad, and me? So Delta Tech builds cyborgs while a local news reporter is investigating this cyborg thing. She finds out about something she shouldn’t have and Delta Tech sends cyborgs after her. Lucky for her two lucky go happy bounty hunters happen to drive by and help her out. I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

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Insane (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite hard working independent filmmakers Massimilano Cerchi is back with his latest release, “Insane”. The film is about a hot young couple buy their dream home off the internet and pictures don’t do it justice. But of course the weird neighbor just happens to stroll by and tell the young couple they are pretty much “doomed” if they stay because of the history of the home. Michael’s girlfriend Sarah is completely pissed off and wants to know why the realtor didn’t tell them this before they bought it. Michael of course believes it isn’t a big deal until the weird neighbor begins telling Michael of the stories about the murders that happened there. Michael becomes obsessed and begins filming everything and documenting anything to find evidence of something possibly supernatural in his new home. But just like the weirdo neighbor says, “You might not like what you find?” The evil clown is a nice touch but Cerchi’s approach of stripping down the bloated paranormal genre with few characters, not a ton of dialogue, and allowing the scenes tell the story make this feature refreshing and fun. I’m still not a big paranormal film fan but it’s nice to see there are still some entertaining and creepy ideas from great filmmakers out there! I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars as you can find out more about the flick and Mr. Cerchi at: https://www.facebook.com/massimiliano.cerchi?fref=ts&ref=br_tf .

 

The Last Witch Hunter (DVD) – From the beginning this Vin Diesel flick could have been the next great horror film but internet geeks and word of mouth never allowed this movie to have a chance. Now saying that I am not saying this is one of the best movies out there I just believe anymore these days most movies don’t survive the harsh criticism of it before it is ever released. As I try to do if the movie exists I will give it a chance and that is what I did here. Vin Diesel plays a witch hunter who is not one by choice but becomes one after his family is murdered several hundreds of years ago and is guided by a man/priest given to him by the church. Michael Caine plays the latest who believes it is time to retire but wants to give Diesel’s character the full story of what the church is hiding. But he is killed, maybe? And Elijah Wood steps in to help or fuck shit up just to bring the original witch queen back from the dead. I wanted this movie to be so bad that I enjoyed it because of what I heard, example “Cursed” anyone? But it wasn’t… It’s not great but like I said, “it exists”. Maybe it would have been better without Vin Diesel as the ‘Last Witch Hunter’ and should have been a Rutger Hauer or Jeffery Combs? Who knows? But the point is at least watch the movie then decide if it’s as bad as a lot of people believe because I don’t as I give it 2 stars. This film just suffers from ‘never having a chance once thought went to paper’.

 

Appleseed: Alpha (DVD) – Another fun CG-animated sci-fi feature about a cyborg and his female partner just trying to make it in the wasteland and maybe save the world. The two are just trying to repay their debt to a shady guy who rules New York City. So when they go out the outskirts of the city to remove some unwanted cyborgs, they stumble across another cyborg and a girl who are traveling to complete a secret mission. The two unlikely couples decide to travel together but now have evil cyborgs and the shady dude from New York City trying to stop them from accomplishing their mission. These types of movies are fun stuff: “Resident Evil”, “Bio-Hunter”, etc. This is geeky, fun flick for someone like myself as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

John Wick (DVD) – Keenau Reeves jumps feet first into the action genre about a man who just lost his wife and has a dog and a bad ass Ford Mustang. He gets the shit kicked out of him, his dog gets killed, and his classic car stolen by some dumb ass mob kid. When word gets around whose car the kid stole people begin to panic as John Wick used to be a hitman that was flawless and stopped at nothing to kill all he was suppose too. From there the bullets fly and John Wick kicks ass. Even though I enjoyed the film two things bothered me as I watched it and maybe I am just a product of the 80s (Rutger Hauer, Arnold, Sly, Dolph, even a Jason Statham) but it seemed like Keenau just didn’t fit the role. Also I felt they built up the John Wick character a lot and he is easily captured and beaten up! I give the film 3 stars.

The Survviors

The Survivors (The Hack Collection Volume One) (Blu-ray) – Well the talented independent filmmaker Steve Rudzinski finally granted my wish of doing a sequel to “Slasher Hunter” and did not disappoint at all. According to Steve, “it’s not just a sequel; it is a sequel to everything he has done.” If you have been following Mr. Rudzinski’s films they all have been leading to something or leave you wanting a little more and it all comes to this… Steve puts everything together in this latest project where ‘The Slashers’ are in complete disarray as Frank is in hell and they lack real leadership. Meanwhile, the group just known as “The Killers” is stronger than ever and keeps two steps ahead of the “Survivor Initiative” until now. “The Slasher Hunters” have some new allies (helps if you have seen some of Steve’s past films to understand some of the characters and why they are there) that includes one my favorite’s ‘Wolfster’. Wolfster is a character Steve came up with early in his filmmaking career I easily could have seen as a movie franchise with a new entry every 12 to 16 months? It all comes down to one final fight between The Slasher Initiative and The Killers leader Norm unless Frank finds a way out of hell? We also find out what was Frank’s worst mistake thanks to hell. This project is beyond hilarious, entertaining, and everything I have expected from such a talented filmmaker. Steve has a way of writing very likable characters good and evil that in my opinion makes him successful for the long haul. Steve this is one of the best independent projects I have seen in 2016 and hope to see a lot more as I give the film 4 out of 4 stars. The copy of “The Survivors” I have is part of “The Hack Collection Volume One” Blu-ray two-disc set that has bloopers, trailers, almost all of Steve’s movies and a lot more. Find out more about the film or purchase it at: www.silverspotlightfilms.moonfruit.com and https://www.facebook.com/SilverSpotlightFilms/?fref=ts&ref=br_tf .

 

Land of Doom (VHS/DVD-R) – A lesser known C-grade Wasteland film that looked like it used the leftovers from Fred Williamson’s Eye-talian films. The Peter Maris film has a woman named Harmony trying to make her way across the wasteland just trying to get away from everything only to meet up with a man who is trying to get these ‘raiders’ to believe they can rebuild. Cannibals, killer snakes, horrible motorcycles, and no real ending (Thanks Metalstorm) are the highlights of this film as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Marked (DVD) – Six years after a woman witnessed her father murdered and the murderer die in front of her is doing paranormal research for answers. Answers for what not totally sure but it is just another miserable entry into a bloated genre that is starting to rival the other bloated genre, ‘zombies’. I give it 0 stars.

 

Lost Souls (DVD) – A late 90s flick about John Savage, his wife, and kids just moved into a new home. His daughter happens to be autistic and some murdered children from years ago are trying to communicate through her after they find an old device in storage at the house. Every time the machine is turned on something paranormal happens. After a few twists and turns the family finds out it is the local sheriff with the murdering past. The movie was a TV movie that had a few showings on the now defunct channel UPN before going into obscure cheap paranormal DVD box sets. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Let Us Prey (DVD) – An Irish film about a new constable starting her job for a station in a small town. While walking the beat she witnesses a drunken kid run down a man. She takes the kid in but cannot find the man. Later the mysterious man is found by other officers and brought in to get a statement but refuses to speak but just stare. The mysterious no name man is put into a cell while they call a doctor and that is when things begin to get weird because anyone that is near the mysterious man knows their deep secrets. But what all inside the station don’t know he is there to collect souls before the stroke of midnight and everyone’s past comes back to haunt them in one way or another. The film starts slow but builds into a chaotic, bloody climax worth checking out. In the end, the movie starting off slow makes a lot of sense after watching it as this is one of those lesser known recent horror movies worth seeking out as I give it 4 stars.

 

The Gates of Hell 2: Dead Awakening (DVD) – Literally a sequel no one knew about and for good reason. From what I could stay awake for the film is very low budget and set in the early to mid-80s, never mind the dedication to Lucio Fulci. But anyway no zombies and barely demons on-screen that are brought forth by some stupid middle aged men who are also looking for a woman who has a medallion that is supposed to help them with conjuring some demons. The film was mostly shot in Fort Worth, Texas in 1986/1987 according to sketchy information I was able to dig up on it. But fuck it, the movie is so bad it shouldn’t exist so let’s stick with “Death Metal Zombies” and “Heavy Metal Massacre” for our fun bad stuff shall we? I give it 0 stars.

 

Indigenous (DVD) – The usual crap about stupid American college kids not listening and going to a waterfall in the middle of a dense jungle of Panama. Bad shit happened there supposedly but they don’t listen and go visit only to become dinner to a Chupacabra. But that’s when the movie gets interesting when a guy uploads his video to his social media and it goes viral within four hours causing a military to search for them and millions to watch on 24/7 news channels for their rescue. I liked the monster/Chupacabra looked like an extra form “The Descent” but I thought the movie was much better and interesting when the film took a serious turn in using social media as part of the storyline. Now, I thought if the movie would have continued that storyline instead of wasting storyline and film of the rich kids partying, bumping uglies, drinking, and repeat before they visit the Chupacabra? Then a lot more horror movie fans would be talking about and seeking out this monster flick. Sometime filmmakers it’s better to color outside the lines than keep coloring inside the lines of the same picture film in, film out. For that I give this movie 2 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Don’t forget you can come by the vendor table I will be at for a book, shirt, or a movie March 4, 5, 6th, 2016 at Pittsburgh’s Horror Realm Convention (for details: www.horrorrealmcon.com) and Cinema Wasteland April 1, 2, 3rd, 2016 in Strongsville, Ohio (for details: www.cinemawasteland.com) .

Gross Movie Reviews #308

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Gross Movie Reviews #308

 

By Tim Gross

 

Return to Class of Nuke ’Em High Volume One (Theater/Blu-ray) – Recently Uncle Lloyd decided it was time to revisit the classic series and revive it with an entry that goes the route of the latest “Star Trek” films of being: a remake, sequel, and everything in-between. You know the film is going to be epic when Stan Lee is the first face you see and a few minutes later Lemmy from Motorhead is the president of the United States and he has subtitles. Sometime has past and society has changed and it isn’t cool to make fun of toxic waste and nuclear energy. So now, Lloyd Kaufman the president of “Tromorganic Foodstuff Products” and he supplies most of Jersey and the new Tromaville High School with food. But this is only a subplot of the film as the film revolves around two girls’ name Lauren and Chrissy who are learning to get along. But when a leak of Tromorganic green liquid gets in the school lunch soon the drama department becomes “The New Cretins”! And then no one is safe as they terrify the school and its students but soon Lauren and Chrissy have odd dreams or nightmares of having giant dicks and beating up The New Cretins. The film is a lot of fun and is reminder of how good the original is, was, and always will be … but I also believe this is a film for the new generation of Troma fans which will look upon on this great flick just like the first generation of Troma fans look at: The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Of course Troma believes nothing is untouchable as they make fun of: House Foreclosures, Jerry Sandusky, CNN covering school shootings, illegal downloading, blogging, people with diabetes, the glee club, Obama Care! If that wasn’t enough Debbie Rochon, Cigar face, and quite a few other characters from past Troma films make an appearance so pay close attention. The movie was perfect and one of the best films of 2013. The only thing I could find to complain about is of course they shot so much fun stuff for the film they had to split it into two films. I give this newest classic from Troma 4 stars.

 

Dark Shadows (DVD) – Johnny Depp brings the character of Barnabus Collins to life in this film adaption of a 70s daytime television cult favorite. It’s 1972, and Mr. Collins has been asleep for a very long time only to wake up and find out his family business is in shambles and the witch that cursed him is still alive and trying to get rid of his descendants by any means necessary. But Barnabus is not all about sucking blood from people’s necks as he would like the curse to be lifted to live out his life. The movie is nor good or bad more of a time filler until you find something better. I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Beneath (Chiller TV/DVD) – Five teenagers have just graduated high school and want to have one last party before they go their separate ways. They decide they want to boat across the lake but only Johnny knows they shouldn’t because of the legend that lives in the lake. Persuaded by the girl he wants but can never have to help them get across things go bad when they decide to take a swim once out in the middle of the lake. That is when the film becomes more than just an ordinary lake creature film and the characters bicker about who should live and who shouldn’t so others can survive. By the end the creature feature becomes a mean spirited story of what teenagers can be like these days? It is a little different; a little bit interesting, a creature feature that rethinks the usual formula of your usual present day killer fish monster film! I give the flick 3 stars and believe more horror fans need to give this a second look.

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (DVD) – Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as the eccentric investigator Sherlock Holmes as he must deal with his companion Watson getting married and not wanting to solve any mysteries any longer. But when one man who believes he is smarter than anyone in the world involves Watson and his new wife, he must help Holmes solve and save the world that cause world war. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as an actor and enjoyed the first film but believe this entry was more to just fulfill a contract more than adding just inspiring to the series. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Skyfall (DVD) – The latest in the new Bond films starring David Craig as 007 dies at the beginning of the film or thought to be dead when trying to stop a man who is stealing secret identities of agents undercover for MI6. Several months go by and no James Bond and that’s when the cyber-terrorism begins as names begin to leak out on YouTube and it’s all aimed at M for something she did in the past. Bond seeing this on a television far from his old home feels he is needed to get back in the secret agent game and help M. M knows even if Bond is in poor condition he is the best chance to save MI6 and bringing down those who are creating the cyber-terrorism attacks. The film goes full circle, excites old school Bond fans, and begins anew. If you were a fan of Sean Connery or a fan of Roger Moore like I was this Bond brings you more interested than ever about what’s the next Bond film?! If you were any type of Bond fan do yourself a favor and see this film as I give it 4 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (DVD) – A children’s story with a new horror twist to it. Apparently, Hansel and Gretel were orphaned so they wouldn’t be sacrificed and grew up to hate and hunt witches for a living. The film asks if you the viewer checks your brain at the door and enjoy the crazy over the top storyline with shitty computer effects. The film was a little better than a pile of shit I thought it would be but I believe this project should have been a SyFy Channel exclusive as I believe horror fans would have been more accepting and would have at least tuned in to watch it when it premiered? I give it 2 stars.

 

Zombie Nightmare (DVD) – Jon Mikl Thor stars as a man who has just been killed by some young party goers who just poured out of a high class bar. Thor’s mother is owed a favor by the local voodoo witch in town who brings his back to life to seek revenge. Did I mention we have Adam West as a detective and Tia Carrere as one of the young party goers? And yes its 1986… It’s very bad but in such a great “USA Up All Night” way where you are waiting for Rhoda Shear to cut in every ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 stars.

Hellinger

Hellinger (DVD) – A little girl named Melissa 20 years ago is eating with her father who despises her. He despises Melissa so much he taunts her with her favorite stuffed animal until Melissa wishes him to be dead. Then evil is born. Within seconds a strange dark figure appears and ends Melissa’s father in a very gruesome way. 20 years has past and Melissa is still afraid of the darkness and believes what came to murder her father that night 20 years ago still sits and waits in the darkness for her. Melissa still distraught by the darkness is seeing a doctor to help her through her past of what she calls the darkness. But let’s not forget Melissa now all grown up may be still afraid of the darkness but has time to boink the fuck out of her boyfriend before he becomes a gory mess at the hands of the strange darkness. The film plays out like an odd independent homage of “Hellraiser” that may have been misunderstood in 1997 but if made today with a little more money I could see a huge following for the strange film about a priest named Father Donaldson who had his own ideas of how his religion should be followed. Gore, boobs, and strange shit about darkness makes this shot on video flick a must see for the fans of independent cinema as a give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Carnage Road (DVD) – “Hellinger” filmmaker Massimilano Cerchi directs, John Polonia wrote the screenplay, and the editor is Mark Polonia make this modern shot on video slasher interesting enough. The film centers around four photography students who go out to the Nevada desert to get the best pictures for their project. Little they know “Quiltface” is awaiting their arrival. Quiltface is a legend about a disfigured person who lives out in the desert killing those who get lost there. Or if you go by what I say: its Leatherface’s second cousin on his mum’s side and has the fat bootleg version of Bill Moseley to help, as he only goes into town to get shit paper. And these two enjoy collecting fresh body parts especially if they are stupid college students who don’t believe in the legend of Quiltface. I give the shot on video flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Better Off Dead (DVD) – A very offbeat comedy from 1985 that stars John Cusack as Lane, a high school teenager who can’t catch a break as he can’t make the ski team and his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) Beth just broke up with him with the ski team president. So Lane spends a lot of the film trying to come up with funny ways to commit suicide until Monique the foreign exchange student from across the street takes notice and wants to help him out of his funk of trying to commit suicide or trying to find a way to impress Beth again. Meanwhile Lane’s best friend Charles Demar isn’t helping much as he just wants good drugs in their lame ass town. The film is a great 80s flick that sums up a lot about the decade and this film is still considered a huge fan favorite. I give the great flick 4 stars.

 

Zombie Night (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Anthony Michael Hall dips his toe into the lower budgeted zombie genre with his role as a father trying to protect his daughter and wife (Darryl Hannah) from hordes of flesh eaters. Take it or leave it kinda of film that was kinda fun to watch Anthony Michael Hall fucking up zombies to save his family. Too bad there was no Judd Nelson. I give it 2 stars.

 

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