Gross Movie Reviews #398

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Gross Movie Reviews #398

 

Deadly Instincts (DVD) – In the U.S. this 90s flick is known as ‘Breeders’. Almost everywhere else it is known as ‘Deadly Instincts’. Believe me when you see the video box or poster you most likely walked past this flick at some point in time at a video store. A U.F.O. happens to crash land at an all-girls college, hooray for us horndogs! There is a creature inside with an alien woman also scurrying about. The creature is there to stalk beautiful women down to see who can be a suitable host for its offspring. The bodies begin piling up and no one is listening to the teacher who’s banging his favorite student. Eventually the authorities find the secret tunnels under the college and begin to investigate but are no match for the creature! We have bootleg Pumpkinhead, bootleg Julie Strain, it’s from the U.K., I am in every time as I give the 90s flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Lego Batman Movie (Theater) – We all can argue to our deaths that DC universe has fucked up a lot shit. But when it comes to “Lego Batman” they do not fuck around and take a cue from the first ‘Lego Movie’ and run with it. The film is based around Batman being awesome and the ultimate hero of course, but with Commissioner Gordon retiring and Gotham not needing Batman any longer he is lonely. But Batman has always been a loner? With the Joker in the asylum cooking up his next plan Batman comes face to face with why his life is incomplete. In a series of events of sending the Joker to the “Phantom Zone”, Joker is able to hatch his latest ultimate plan in hopes of Batman understanding he needs to hate the Joker. Batman soon understands he needs family to conquer evil. Great story and Batman fans will not be disappointed as filmmakers find a way to incorporate every incarnation of Batman and his movies throughout the film. More than likely this will be one of the best movies you watch in 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Superbeast (DVD) – An early 70s flick about a woman doctor who goes to the jungles of the Philippines to investigate a strange happening. Back in the states she is called in to do an autopsy on a man or thing that terrorized a plane on its way from the Philippines. Instead of discovering something great in evolution she discovers bootleg Dr. Moreau whose mistakes are hunted for sport by a rich dude. Somewhat boring but does have a good ending as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

House 4: Repossession (DVD) – Before you even ask I do not think any of the ‘House’ movies have anything to do with each other including part 4 that happens to star William Katt. For those who might not know Mr. Katt starred in the 80s classic original that also co-starred Richard Moll and George Wendt where his old dead army buddy kidnaps his kid. This sequel does not even come close to being that good. I also believe this movie was under a different title but somebody thought they could cash in on the title ‘House’ when William Katt was in it and they were wrong. This flick has William Katt (Roger) inherit his father’s old house. Apparently his grandfather made a blood oath and the house must stay in Roger’s family. When a tragic accident takes Roger’s life, his wife and daughter movie into the place thinking it’s the right thing to do. Until the half-brother keeps pushing for them to sell the house and strange things keep happening (a pizza that sings then gets stab to explode all over the lead actress). I give the film 1 star and still wondering if it was a true sequel where is Brion James and Lance Henriksen and shouldn’t it be called ‘The Horror Show 2’?

 

The Night Shift (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite and hardest working filmmakers Massimiliano Cerchi (say that five times fast in a Pittsburgh/yinzer accent) is back with his latest film that centers around Frank the security guard. Frank has just scored the ultimate cushy guard duty job of working overnight to watch a mansion for some rich dude. Only catch don’t fall asleep? Frank gets bored quickly but is unsure of how this is an easy deal even with Frank’s boss explaining it’s an easy deal and don’t fall asleep. Frank still unsure of the big mysterious home finds himself dozing off to sleep and being awakened by strange things. The strange things are demons fucking with Frank and clearly the best part of the film. The plot of the film is solid if it was a half hour or so? But its longer running time especially without really introducing the demons sooner may bore some viewers. Now the film only runs 65 minutes but the demons are that fucking awesome they deserved more screen time. The demons are the allure of watching this film and I would give this film a more favorable review if I got more of those bad ass creepy demons. The demons are the stars of this story and felt they needed to be fleshed out more? Hell, if they were in it more maybe this could be marketed as ‘Demons 7’ and found a way for Caroline Munro to make a cameo. I just feel when you have such cool looking and possibly interesting creatures/demons you should build the film around them not the other way around… Anyway I still got mad respect for Mr. Cerchi as a filmmaker because I have no doubt he is working on something better as I give this project 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

The Dead of Night (DVD) – Some high school students party at the cemetery all the time. So when the popular students invite the geeks to their little party site you know nothing good is going to come of it. The prank goes wrong when the two geeks are attacked by a creature that changes them and now they want to take over other students. Not a really exciting 1 star horror movie.

never-too-young-to-die

Never Too Young to Die (YouTube) – Finally this mid-80s gem will find its way onto Blu-ray and all will be right with the world as I spent most of the 90s looking for this flick. The most random action thriller that stars a young John Stamos as Stargrove, a cross-dressing villain named Ragnar played by Gene Simmons, Vanity as a secret agent, and Robert Englund for five minutes as a sadistic mad computer bomber! It played a few times on HBO in the mid-80s and all but disappeared the video stores I frequented and when I explained it (pre-internet) people thought I made it up? Lance Stargrove is a gymnast whose father is a legendary secret government agent who is killed by Ragnar and his fingernail for a program disk that could poison the water supply for a hundred years. When the disk cannot be found Ragnar sits back to allow Lance to find the disk for him. Lance finds out with his father’s death he inherits a farm where Vanity rides horses and random extras from the Mad Max films show up looking to kill for the disk! The movie has at least ten ideas crammed into one film in a good way and may be the best film featuring Gene Simmons. The movie is one big fun random mess that I enjoy still 30 years later as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Stryker (DVD) – I found another post-apocalyptic film from the Philippines that Roger Corman’s production company produced that begins with the phrase “whoever controls the water controls the world.” Everyone is looking for water in the wastelands: midgets, women in shoulder pads, men in S&M gear but a man named Stryker roams the wastelands defending people against evil. When he finds a woman whose colony has an endless supply of water he must help and defend her and her colony from all who will kill for it. I give the flick 1 ½ stars but this is the first of many post-apocalyptic flicks from our buddy who gave us: Equalizer 2000, Future Hunters, Wheels of Fire, and a few others. You can see what he perfected over the series of films go along in the 80s…

 

Ebola Zombies (DVD) – It begins and ends with a bunch of political mumbo jumbo comparing zombies to soulless people of today. An Asian zombie film about a jewelry heist that goes sideways when the thieves find a scientist experimenting with the SARS and Ebola virus. Zombies everywhere and slow motion fight scenes make me wanna puke and have nightmares of the ‘Resident Evil’ sequels. I give it 0 stars.

 

Mom (DVD) – A strange and interesting werewolf film from the early 90s about Nester (Brion James) who happens to infect a news anchor’s mom when renting a room from her. The news anchor scrambles to keep his mother in check as she goes out at night to feed on humans. When her son questions why she does it and answer is, “I’m hungry and it helps my arthritis.” It’s a fun lower budgeted werewolf flick that I wouldn’t be surprised it was made two or three years before its release as it doesn’t fit the time. But the appeal of Brion James and cheesy werewolf effects make this a must watch for us movie nerds as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ice Soldiers (DVD) – Michael Ironside and Dominic Purcell are part of a secret research team looking into the mysterious events in Canadian Artic in 1962 and trying to tap the land for oil. The story goes with everyone paying attention to the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 while three soldiers in Swiss uniforms are found in the artic after a plane crash. They kill all who is there except a woman scientist who is raped. 50 years pass and now a new team is there to possibly find out answers. They get more than they bargain for when the soldiers unfreeze and begin killing again as they have a mission to complete. The film is a really cool B-movie action/thriller surprise you are not expecting if you enjoy these types of films. Plus Michael Ironside… 3 stars, enough said.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

Gross Movie Reviews #347

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Gross Movie Reviews #347

 

By Tim Gross

 

Future Kick (DVD) – It’s the year 2025 and Roger Corman has no budget as usual but have people put together a fun futuristic sci-fi flick starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Meg Foster, and Chris Penn. Wilson is the last of the cyborgs who are being hunted down by authorities who helped put the world back in order after the apocalypse and all the rich people moved to the moon. When Meg Foster’s famous computer programmer husband goes back to earth and dies a horrible death, Foster goes to investigate. Oh wait… Fuck you it’s all part of a virtual reality program! Wait “Total Recall”, “Brainscan”, “Wisdom”… you get the picture as I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

 

Big Bad Wolf (DVD) – A mad mess of a werewolf movie that stars “Full Moon” sensation Robin Sydney, Clint Howard for a cameo, David Naughton for a little more than cameo, the girl from Disney’s “Halloweentown” all pierced up, and “Three O’clock High’s” Richard Tyson as the werewolf version of Freddy Kruger. I didn’t know if I should be excited and have a horror movie orgasm or go find a copy of 1996’s “Bad Moon”… I give the ‘should have been better werewolf flick’ 2 stars.

 

Deliver Us From Evil (DVD) – Another ‘based on true accounts’ horror flick. The movie stars Eric Bana has a hard working detective who seems to be slipping away from his family that tries so hard to protect from the world he sees daily. But the detective comes across an odd case when he and his partner take a domestic disturbance call that turns out to be a lot more when he is called to the scene of several other weird events. Best way to describe the film is Exorcist-lite with cops. Worth a look my devil horror film fans as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Fantastic Voyage (DVD/YouTube) – A crazy mid-60s sci-fi flick about a surgical team that gets miniaturized inside a scientist’s damaged brain to fix a blood clot. Reason because he has the knowledge to stay miniature longer than 60 minutes. Donald Pleasance is crazy and awesome in the flick and look for James Brolin playing a technician in the film. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Last Dinner (Vimeo) – A short film directed by Steve Lanthripp about a man (Jonathon) who is having dinner with a lovely lady who just happens to be dead and argues of smelling bad. I enjoyed the concept as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

American Scary (DVD) – A documentary that does an amazing job of chronicling horror/movie hosts throughout the years on TV. It explains its beginnings and its history with a lot of dedicated to hosts from Ohio. A really cool movie for film geeks who are under 25 that totally don’t understand this phenomenon back in the day and why some of us older folks love it. I would have enjoyed a little more Joe Bob Briggs or Elvira but also was surprised of no mention to Rhonda Shear and USA Up All Night. But I did get Chilly Billy so I was happy for that and give the documentary 3 ½ stars.

Ginger Squatch

Gingersquatch (DVD) – Not does this movie exists but it also comes with a little comic book called “Two Fisted Cthulhu Tales”! The film goes the way of the late Ray Dennis Steckler as the director’s cut is 15 minutes shorter than the original finished product. Thankfully Douglas A. Waltz had me in mind (maybe not?) when he wrote, edited, and directed this delightful off-shoot of Sasquatch. The story goes: a family of Gingers goes camping and one of the young ones get lost and is picked up Sasquatches to take care of. But that changes when the military was able to track down the child and try to research him. But since he really didn’t have anything to offer mankind the government sets him up with a house where he is lazy, eats salty snacks, drinks beer in Michigan… Kalamazoo! You only know of the location because of the old arcade game “Rampage”, oh yeah that’s just me. But anyway after someone mentions beef jerky “Gingersquatch” loses his temper, kills several ninjas, and bangs a woman who has a redheaded kid the next day! Oh the movie is bad, no doubt but I loved every minute of it and for that I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Mutantis

Mutantis (DVD) – The DVD cover looks like the old school 50s and 60s giant rubber monster flicks I seen as a youngster. The film revolves around a legend about a monster/bigfoot that haunts the woods after a power plant was built on top of an old burial ground according a to a drunken Indian dude at a small fruit stand. Let’s not forget the film opens with a narrator explaining toxic waste and how it could have caused this mutation or monster or Mutantis! But Father Joy hell bent on discovering this creature or whatever it is takes his family on a camping trip to Possum Valley to meet a young man and his wife to help him track this thing and become famous. One thing Father Joy and others were not counting on in this 60s theme inspired B-movie is the monster/Mutantis wanting to have sex with all humans, male or female. Oh by the way according to the film only homosexuals’ masturbate?  The movie goes out of its way to give you that old school B-movie experience with the clothes, the dedicated acting, the dubbing, incest, and one awesome looking creature. I have to hand it to Kelly Fitzgerald aka Globus Walt Jr. and crew for making a movie that reminds me of watching classics like “Frogs”, “The Creeping Terror”, “Toxic Zombies” on late night TV. If the movie isn’t enough the DVD has some fun extras that include short films “Heavy Metal Weekend Part One and Two” and “Mime” which worthy of watching soon as you are done watching “Mutantis”. Outside of the excess of monster rape scenes I totally enjoyed the flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars and yes the monster rape is essential to the plot! You can find out more or pick up the film at www.direwitfilms.com .

Mutant Strain

Dead Days (You Tube) – Haven’t heard from independent filmmaker Chuck Skibo for a while but he is back and focused as this a first of many projects in the works for this talented dude. This short film stars independent actress talent Katie Stewart fighting for her life in this quick story of what’s worse the zombies or humans? I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and you can watch at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzM_1NP82IQ , Mutant Strain Pictures is back and that makes me happy.

Grosshouse

Grosshouse (YouTube) – No folks it wasn’t inspired by me or a drunken rant from Ed Quillin it’s a feature length film from Alex Powers and Doug Waugh. The movie plays out like a mish-mash of John Waters was 21 again, had no money, and decided he wanted to make a no budget film on digital video in 2002. What does that mean? The film is a little weird… possibly a little too weird for my taste. That isn’t a bad thing it just means I may not be intended audience. But when 23 year old Marty who is inspiring himself to become a big time Hollywood writer his mom/dad/you make your choice here, constantly verbally abuses him and makes Marty bury the bodies his mom calls clients. It tends to work against Marty. Marty is a dreamer and snaps when mother has had enough of Petunia after Petunia tells Marty that they are siblings and must have sex in the shower. Once Petunia is dead Marty plots his revenge against his mama. It’s odd, it’s a little disgusting to some most likely but again like I said I am not its intended audience but thank the filmmakers for allowing me to view it as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about “Grosshouse” here:  https://www.facebook.com/grosshousemovie .

 

Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (SyFy Channel/DVD) – The movie most likely shouldn’t have been made, but it was and I watched it so go fuck yourselves the high and mighty insert your name here horror websites that spent more time than I ever thought they would bashing an easy target of a movie but praise “Paranormal Activity 29”. Yeah its bad but that is the beauty of these endless sequels that help pay for Robert Englund’s union dues for the year, Yancy Butler’s comeback, and still do not know why Corin Nemec loves doing these projects but hey more power to you brother. Corin is approaching double digits of SyFy channel flicks for those that are counting?  So guess what the crocs have escaped again from Black Lake and its electric barrier and looking for their next meal until some dumb ass again was experimenting with another anaconda. Like I said it’s horrible but it gives me an excuse to sit in on a Saturday night, drink a six pack and have a pizza! I give it 1 star.

 

Bad Biology (Blu-ray/DVD combo) – There is David Lynch, David Croenberg, and even John Waters and these filmmakers can be bizarre but the man/filmmaker who in my mind has a stranglehold on this title is Frank Henenlotter. The mere mention of “Basket Case” makes the hardcore horror movie fans smile. If “Frankenhooker” is spoken even by accident you can always hear in the distance from someone “Wanna Date?” So when I finally sat down to watch this oddity from the mastermind of bizarre I already knew what I was getting myself into and all I can say is the only things that could have made this film better is an appearance from ‘Elmer’ or Duane Bradley. The film is about a photographer named Jennifer and she has sexual issues or a bad vagina that she was born with. Bottom line she has trouble falling in love until she meets a man named Batz whose house is used for a photo shoot of Jennifer’s and by mistake learns his sexual secret of having a monstrous penis that has a mind of its own. Sexual organs made for each other in a love story that could only come from the mind of Frank Henenlotter. It’s bizarre but beautiful and fucking hilarious as Mr. Henenlotter proves he still owns the title and thank god for that. Because we also get the talents of Gabe Bartalos and Al Magliochetti that produce the amazing bizarre effects for the flick! I give this truly bizarre beauty 4 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html

 

FT. LAUDERDALE’S SHOCK POP COMIC CON THRILLS WITH CAST AND CREW REUNIONS FOR …

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THE ORIGINAL FRIDAY THE 13TH (35th!), NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 (30th!), DEMONS (30th!), MACHETE (5th!), and FROM DUSK TIL DAWN!

Masters of mayhem collide in an ultra-cataclysmic Friday the 13th celebration during the Shock Pop Comic Con at the Ft. Lauderdale Convention Center, Feb. 13-15, 2015!

 

The weekend kicks off with a night of horror as director Sean Cunningham, final girl Adrienne King, composer Harry Manfredini, “Officer Dorf” aka Ron Millkie, and first Jason himself, Ari Lehman convene for the 35th Anniversary celebration of the classic FRIDAY THE 13TH. Meanwhile our 30th Anniversary shindig for A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET 2 rocks the stage with Freddy Krueger himself Robert Englund, director Jack Sholder, screenwriter David Chaskin, and stars Clu Gulager, Mark Patton, Kim Myers, Marshall Bell, and Robert Rusler.

 

We also have very special international appearances for our 30th Anniversary DEMONS reunion featuring stars Bobby Rhodes and Geretta Geretta, legendary director Lamberto Bava, makeup artiste Sergio Stivaletti, and renowned composer and Goblin maestro Claudio Simonetti! MACHETE celebrates its 5th with screenwriter Alvaro Rodriguez, and MACHETE himself, Danny Trejo!

 

Other horror heros include The Mistress of the Dark herself, ELVIRA!, along with Ken Kirzinger (FREDDY VS. JASON), Rutanya Alda (AMITYVILLE HORROR 2), Zach Galligan (GREMLINS), Patty Mullen (FRANKENHOOKER), Naomi Grossman (“Pepper” from AMERICAN HORROR STORY: FREAKSHOW), Jovanka Vuckovic and Mark Miller (Clive Barker’s JACQUELINE ESS), an Art of Clive Barker exhibit, Chris Alexander from Fangoria brings his QUEEN OF BLOOD, and the Godfather of Gore Herschell Gordon Lewis also joins the show. The underground is alive and well also with appearances by Adam Ahlbrandt (CROSS BEARER), Brian Williams (TIME TO KILL), and James Bickert (DEAR GOD NO!), and The Ghouligans are on hand to share the merry fright.

 

And the very next evening, the bleeding heart pumps as the one and only John Waters, brings his newly revamped THIS FILTHIER WORLD show for one night only on Sat Feb 14, in a special Valentine’s Day performance, plus a signing of his new book CARSICK.

 

Shock Pop Comic Con runs Friday February 13 through Sunday February 15 at the Ft. Lauderdale Convention Center at 1950 Eisenhower Blvd. Tickets are available for $30 Friday and Saturday, $25 for Sunday, or a full weekend pass for $60. Visit http://www.shockpopcc.com for all our current updates and additional guests.

 

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