Gross Movie Reviews #485

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Gross Movie Reviews #485

 

Sexsquatch (DVD) – Let’s be upfront I am not the biggest fan of Chris Seaver but if you are independent horror fan you have to admit there is a film he made you liked and disliked. Plus Chris has made an impact on the Indy scene during his decade-plus of filmmaking. Going into this film on title alone and not knowing Mr. Seaver was behind it I gotta say thank you to him for making me laugh at this one. A party, “Get Laid Party” is being thrown for Joey the virgin! As the party rages and the girls there are about to decide who will start their decline on young Joey, Stinkfist the Sexsquatch is lurking around the lakeside home. When Stinkfist isn’t pooping in people’s backyards the Sexsquatch rapes people and talks politely to them while doing it. The movie is bad but it is meant to be bad and looks like Chris and friends had fun all the way as I did watching this adventure. I give this hilarious take on the Bigfoot legend 3 out of 4 stars.

Watchers (DVD) – Scrounging through the internet channels you never know what you may find? As I always have my list of ‘hard to find’ movies I was able to track down a viewing of the Region 2 disc of 1988’s ‘Watchers” starring Corey Haim and Michael Ironside. You could always be stupid and pay ridiculous amount of money on eBay or Amazon for the out-of-print DVDs or take five minutes and Google that shit folks. This Region 2 disc claims to be unrated version but rewatching this film I do not believe there is anything special? For yinz kids that don’t know after the Stephen King catalog was being adapted to the big screen every two minutes during the 80s Roger Corman and some others decided to seek out other popular authors. Dean Koontz was one of them as he had a few movie adaptions but like King most of them lacked the horror that was supposed to be in them. Anyway I was a fan of a couple of Koontz books and thought it was time to revisit this one to see if it got any better with age? But also too have thought if there was a movie that actually did a remake it would be this film. The plot of the film and book is about a military experiment where a golden retriever and a weird Bigfoot-like creature were linked together. It was supposed to be the future in military weaponry! Where ever the dog went, the creature went and eliminated the people the dog interacted with. Well with a fire at the Oxcom Corporation the dog and creature escape into the woods. Agent Johnson (Michael Ironside) is brought in to capture both by any means needed. Between Agent Johnson enjoying ripping eyeballs out and before 90210 Jason Priestly showing up the dog finds Cory Haim and they strike up a relationship. Once the authorities and Johnson come sniffing around and the bodies begin piling up Haim, mum, and the dog go on the run. Again enjoyed the book and again I was a fan of Haim and Michael Ironside but this movie still falls flat today. I give it 2 stars.

 

The Furies (On Demand) – Another recent Aussie horror flick getting a little press here in the states is about a woman named Kayla who is kidnapped and left in the woods. She quickly finds out she isn’t alone and there is a border she cannot cross without being in agony. But what makes this film a little different from the rest is for every young lady out there in the woods there is a weird masked killer who is trying to kill the women. But keep in mind the killer is trying to protect their babe so their head doesn’t explode. Kayla becomes an interesting character as her character blacks out from time to time because of epilepsy and not having her pills to prevent it. This leads a couple of the women she meets up with to believe it is on purpose or she is also a killer? Also I forgot to mention Kayla figures out the people behind the kidnapping and weird game have an implant behind her eyeball. The ending was a little predictable but if you are looking for just a super gory flick where you can cheer for people to die then you found your title as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Haunting of the Winchester House (DVD) – A family of three has moved into the Winchester mansion as caretakers for the home. But immediately moving in weird shit begins to happen and a man who happens to be a paranormal expert just happens to show up and help if needed. As stuff keeps happening the family turns to the local paranormal expert Harrison Dent to resolve the issue. In the end none of it will matter as you will learn as I did ghosts are racist… or at least according to this movie as I give it 2 stars.

Watchers 2 (YouTube) – The sequel which was released two years later in 1990 stars Marc Singer who hangs out with the dog this time around and they seek out the extremely hot scientist Tracy Scroggins. This film just ignores the first film and does its own reboot thing as the project involving AE-73 and AE-74 is terminated at Anodyne. Which of course pissed off the lead scientist allows animal activists to come in and release the animals as he wants to continue the experiment with the dog and creature. A lot of boring shit goes down that includes Marc Singer and the dog ordering pizza and the government wanting everything back. Again another misstep by Corman and crew bringing this book to the big screen as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Watchers 3 (VHS) – So four more years pass and Corman decides okay crew: we got no money, stock footage of part two, and Wings Hauser now go make this work. What we get is bootleg creature I believe they stole from “The Fly 2” as the creature and drop it, the dog, and Wings Hauser in Thailand sorry (cough, cough) Central America to do a bare bones “Predator” flick. Wings Hauser is military prisoners who with four others is sent to Central America to clean up loose ends but are actually part of the experiment to see if it actually works before the U.S. military put into action on a regular basis. I love me some Wings Hauser like everyone else but again another misstep but at least it has something to do with the last movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Thir13en Ghosts (DVD) – The 2001 remake of the 1960 William Castle film tries to do a lot updates but for some reason this was one horror film I could not get behind. Giving this a try again as Monk and family inherit a giant weird house when his forgotten rich uncle dies. They believe all their financial woes are over but of course it is too good to be true as Shaggy from the “Scream” movie comes to warn them of the dangerous ghosts that live in the house as he help capture them. Locked in and doors opening for the ghosts to move about the family must survive and figure out how to stop the machine their crazy ass uncle put in the middle of the home that may just open a gate to hell? Some cool looking make-up FX but still not a fan of the flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Ranger (DVD/Shudder) – As usual I let this one simmer as a couple of folks completely lost their mind claiming best horror film of 2018/2019. As a little girl Chelsea was helped by a forest ranger now a young adult and running with some punks she calls friends they head to her dead uncle’s cabin. One to face her past but two her punk boyfriend just killed a cop so she wouldn’t get busted with his drugs. Struggling with her friends at the cabin soon becomes a lesser thing when the forest ranger she knew is a crazy serial killer who protects his mountain. Anybody that disobeys the national park rules they must be dealt punishment. A couple cool kills in the flick but nothing to flashy here horror wise as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #324

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Gross Movie Reviews #324

 

By Tim Gross

 Hack

Hack – O – Lantern (VHS) – The lesser known 80s horror film is best known under its title “Halloween Night”. The film directed by Jag Mundhra which I had to watch the movie for the mere reason he has “Jag” as a name. Can’t help it, it’s a Pittsburgh thing. But anyway Jag directs a film about satanic grandpa who has special plans for his grandson or son? When you watch the flick you’ll understand. Gramps has a satanic cult going and he is shaping his grandson/son into the next leader of this evil cult. Problem is Tommy isn’t following Grandpa’s lead. The film is a lot of fun as we got incest, butt tattoos, a Dead End Drive-in poster, a horrible party band, and possible sacrifices! Sounds like a classic Halloween horror film worth watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Snakehead Swamp (SyFy Channel/DVD) – God damn experimental snakeheads find their way into the Louisiana swamp and they are eating all the locals. But one man believes it’s a legendary curse from a relative that was wrongly murdered 200 years ago who is angry and seeking revenge on those who live there. “Snakehead Terror” was more fun and SyFy Channel seems hell bent on going to the well one too many times on these types of films. SyFy, they all cannot be “Frankenfish”! I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Eye of the Tiger (DVD) – Its 1986 and Gary Busey hasn’t fought Mel Gibson and the great “end of the film fight” scene yet and hasn’t fucked himself up so bad with drugs he has become a running joke? Busey’s character is a man who just got released from jail after serving a few years and just wants to go back home and start all over with his kid and wife. Well, a motorcycle gang led by William Smith has other plans. Best way to describe this flick with legendary actor Yaphet Kotto is calling it an extended episode of “A-Team” starring Gary Busey! I give the film 3 stars.

 

The Lego Movie (DVD) – “Everything is awesome!!!” That pretty much explains the whole film and that song will get stuck in your head for days. The film is a great mix of comedy, drama, and family entertainment. I was surprised how good this movie was and is for anyone 2 years old or 200… Also you might end up wanting to bust out your old Legos too after watching this flick as I give it 4 stars.

Mega Scorpions (Full Moon Streaming) – J.R. Bookwalter decided in 2003 to put together a giant bug film starring the wonderful Trent Haaga, the beautiful Brinke Stevens, independent vet Jeff Dylan Graham, and before porn career Sunny Leone. Most likely because he had seen the popularity of it on SyFy Channel but because of a deal Full Moon had with another studio the film wasn’t released until late last year. Six foot scorpions fucking people’s days up… Yep, I’ll watch that! I give it 2 stars. And once again Trent Haaga was AWESOME!

 

Watchers 3 (VHS) – “I got it on the VH”, had to say it just for my mom! This is the Wings Hauser film that I get confused with “Xtro 3: Watch the Skies”. But anyway Roger Corman’s company takes a shot this time around of bringing Dean Koontz’s famous novel “Watchers” to the silver screen by making it a no budget remake of “Predator”. Not as exciting as Carl Weathers losing an arm to an invisible alien hunter but I do love me some Wings Hauser playing fetch with a golden retriever! And for that I give it 2 stars.

 

Insecticidal (DVD) – The movie’s tagline was ‘Sorority Girls vs Giant Bugs’… SOLD! An awesomely horrible film has a young lady named Scary Cami who is doing research and experiments on her pet bugs in the basement of her sorority. One escapes and scares a couple who is bumping uglies upstairs and forces her sorority sisters to spray them with insecticide! This later has an adverse effect as the zombie bugs soon begin to grow six to eight foot tall and have a hunger for stupid naked college girls. The movie is bad, real bad. But in how bad the effects and dialogue is at times I began to find it entertaining like it was filmed this way on purpose knowing that I would be watching it? So you like bad giant bug movies? Get the beer; get the pizza, because I will be coming to your house to watch this classic again! I give it 3 stars for this horrible yet entertaining horror film!

 

Snow Piercer (DVD) – Humans fuck up the future again in this brilliant post-apocalyptic action film that seems to have some star power names in front and behind the camera. 2014 many countries shoot up in the air this experimental gas or what not called CW-7 that is supposed to slow or stop global warming. Instead, it sends the world into the next ice age within days. Well, with a railroad that is connected completely around the globe two men invent a train that never stops as it protects what’s left of humanity. 17 years has past now and the train is still chugging along difference is the people at the back of the train are tired of being prisoners of the rich at the head of the train. And there is an order that must be kept or the train could go in chaos causing humanity to die off. So it soon becomes a story of one man and his idea of making it to the head of the train everyone will be equal. A lot of social issues, a lot of gore, and an amazing story make this one of the best films of 2014 that will not make the theaters for most. I give the film 4 stars even though I am not sure I like the ending?

 

Lockout (DVD) – An updated version of Christopher Lambert’s “Fortress” in many ways stars Guy Pearce as a convict who is asked to break into a space prison to save the president’s daughter Maggie Grace. Great blend of sci-fi, action and the old school one man will defeat 500 stories that never get old! Really enjoyed this flick but seeing Maggie Grace in this flick makes me really respect her film career since she was on “Lost” TV series as keeps picking these great action films. I give the film 3 stars.

Flu

Flu (DVD) – An amazing recent Korean film that tackles social issues when a horrible superbug or superstrain of Avian Flu arrives when human traffickers open a shipping container that is supposed to have a bunch of people that paid to be in Korea instead are all horribly dead except for one man who escapes. Soon between the escapee and the human traffickers the super flu is being spread throughout the suburb city of Seoul and with no cure Seoul, Korea is next and the world after. Doctors and foreign leaders struggle to come up with a plan of action until a cure is found. A very dramatic and social commentary on how the government treats people no matter what part of the world you live in. The film is dubbed for those of you who hate reading movies… Kyle Poling! The amount of cool gore shots is underrated also. I give this Korean flick 4 star.

 

Wolf Creek (DVD) – Since I was going to watch the new sequel it was time to give this Australian torture flick another chance as it came out in the mid-2000s with a slew of other torture flicks that for me isn’t always my cup of tea or beer. Three friends venture off to Wolf Creek Crater in the middle of nowhere to enjoy the sights but get a whole lot more when their vehicle refuses to start. The three friends soon meet a man named Mic Taylor who helps them out and takes him back to his camp/home. Soon the friends wake up to a man who wants to torture and kill them. The movie takes a long while to get going as it lays the story for you to sympathize with the characters like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I don’t hate it, don’t like it but it is Australian and glad I gave it another chance as I give it 2 stars.

 

Wolf Creek 2 (On Demand) – Surprised it took how many years later for a sequel but there is one and if you are a fan of the first you will like the second film as it starts out just like the first film. The first half of the film is all set-up like the first film but takes a very different but fun turn as it goes the direction of 1986’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” where it changes from just being another torture film to a complete fun chaotic ride into horror! The film dives knee deep in gore and character development of the cannibalistic bushman Mic Taylor. At first I wasn’t liking the sequel but as the film got going in the second half it made appreciate staying patient and enjoying this fun horror mess of a film. I give one of the best horror films of 2014, 3 ½ stars and hope there will be another sequel.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.