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Gross Movie Reviews #318

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Gross Movie Reviews #318

 

By Tim Gross

 

Snakeeater II: The Drug Buster (VHS) – Lorenzo Lamas is back as Jack aka Soldier who this time around is thrown of the police force for his excessive force against drug dealers. So he goes out on his own to take the city’s biggest drug lords down when a couple of teenagers from the dance club he oversees overdose. His sidekick who wants to clean up streets is none other than Larry B. Scott aka Lamar from the classic “Revenge of the Nerds”. Sounded like a good idea to check out the sequels since the first flick was pretty good… I was wrong. I give it 1 star.

 

Snakeeater III: His Law (VHS) – Lamas is back to reprise his role one more time in this no budget action flick that its only highlight is Bam Bam Bigelow getting electrocuted in his own shithouse! The first film was fun but two and three are just pure crap as they all but going for the quick buck in the early 90s. I give it 1 star.

 

Oldboy [remake] (OnDemand) – I am a big fan of the original chaotic classic so I was skeptical about the US version starring Josh Brolin playing the lead ‘Joe’. Joe drinks too much, hits on any woman that isn’t his wife, doesn’t care about his kid or really his job. One night during a bender he meets an Asian woman in the rain while knocking on a friend’s door. Next thing Joe knows is he is trapped in what looks to be a hotel room for 20 years. Over time Joe wants to escape and find his daughter. One night Joe is drugged and all cleaned up only to awake in a chest in the middle of nowhere with a wad of cash. Joe now decides he needs to track down everyone he has fucked over before he was kidnapped. Josh pulls the role off great and the film has some amazing action scenes but it misses the much chaotic charm the original had as it was something you couldn’t talk about or explain but witness… But with that said this remake is a fine movie also that I have to give 3 stars.

 

Ghosthouse (VHS) – Part Eye-talian, part US flick with a creepy ass clown, and wicked weird music that plays constantly when this little girl haunts an old house that people just happen to stumble upon because of their radio broadcasts. Horror fans creepy ass clown always makes the film worth one watch at least as I give it 2 stars.

 

Snitch (DVD) – Another film starring Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson as it seems he poops out features daily? But the film is based on true events about a father who makes a deal with a government official to bring down a druglord and his money flow for the release of his son that was busted receiving drugs through the mail with intent to sell. Surprisingly, a good film for the “Rock” as he cements his star in the Hollywood action world. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Ghost Town (VHS) – A lost Charles Band produced flick from Empire Pictures in 1988 about a sheriff that gets sucked into the past by a ghostly wind and must bring down an undead villain in order to escape back to present day. If you are over the age of 30 you most likely would know the film from its cool box art that featured a skeleton cowboy on the cover. “Ghost Town” is one of the few Charles Band produced pictures that has failed to find its way onto a different format other than VHS, but you can find it on YouTube from time to time. I give the Old Empire Pictures flick 2 ½ stars.

 

Carnosaur 3: Primal Species (DVD) – Roger Corman produced sequel that stars Scott Valentine has the military trying to clean up the experimental dinosaurs that were mistaken for drugs or weapons when terrorists hi-jack the tractor trailer they were transported on. The dinosaurs eat the terrorists and pretty much spend their time eating mercenaries on a boat aka a warehouse at Corman’s studio in 1996. I give the boring flick 1 star.

 

Treasure of the Four Crowns (VHS) – An Italian/US/Spanish production trying to capitalize on Indiana Jones phenomenon in 1983 with a character named J.T. Stryker, on tenth of the budget, and in 3-D. The first twenty minutes of the film will simply make you shit yourself at all that is going on with Stryker. Simply put a mysterious man possibly government dude wants Stryker and his team to go steal some jewels that are in a couple crowns from a crazy cult leader named Jonas that might have the power for one being to rule the world. We got melting faces, fire shooting from hands, cult people, dogs that just appear in castle ruins and pissed, weird mutant monsters, and we have the over the top 80s 3-D that just makes this the perfect party movie. I give this flick 3 stars and this is a film that could find new life on Blu-Ray?

 

The Wolverine (DVD) – Marvel continues the X-men storyline with following Wolverine after killing Jean Grey and just wanting to be left alone. But he is seeked out by his old master in Japan because he wants to grant him one gift before dying and that is giving Logan a chance to grow old and die. It’s a decent film to move the story along but has seem to lose its luster as Marvel tries to tell the live action story of Logan who just happens to be one of comics most popular comic book characters ever. But its great popcorn entertainment for the kids as my daughter approves of the film especially when Magneto and Professor X greet Wolverine at the airport during the credits. I prefer the early X-men film but will give it 2 stars.

Heavy

Heavy Metal Massacre (VHS) – A very small unknown independent horror film shot on video in 1989 by David DeFalco aka Bobbi Young in the film. I had to watch this flick just for the mere reason of its title but the cover also looks like late 80s Lita Ford holding a chainsaw! Besides seeing the boom mic in several scenes you have Bobbi Young hanging out at the local headbanger club looking all leather and studly looking for woman with their hair tease to the ceiling and wanting drugs. Once he lured his victims to his basement he murders them including one scene that Bobbi has a rubber sledgehammer (love it)! But what make this awesomely bad film hilarious is the two bumbling detectives who cannot figure out its Bobbi Young.  If you were any kind of metal fan back in the late 80s and early 90s do yourself a favor and track this son of a bitch down! I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Dead Beat Volume Two (VHS) – Thanks to “Out of Print Dan”, he tracked this down knowing I have talked about the first Post Mordum video magazine “The Dead Beat” which didn’t seem to exist or was very unknown to most horror movie fans. Volume Two is a fun and pleasant video featuring KNB guys explaining all their effects and how they work together so well, David J. Schow (always respected this dude) , Screaming Mad George talking about “The Guyver”,  Randy Cook speaks about “The Gate” and “I, Madman”, and they have a cool “Re-animator tribute. A great trip down memory lane for horror movie fans like me as I give it 4 stars.

 

The Dead Beat Volume Three (VHS) – Another great entry into this series that “Out of Print Dan” tracked down for me to review. This time around they Optic Nerve/John Vulich discuss make-up effects, Frank Darabont interview, Special set look at “The Unnamable 2”, and Clive Barker discusses “Hellraiser 1 thru 3”. Awesome stuff horror fans as I give it 4 stars also.

 

Sorority House Vampires from Hell 3-D Edition (DVD) – A boring vampire film from 2001 that was trying to capitalize on the “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” craze with loads of topless women and vamps of course. The film comes off like a bad episode of the “Red Shoe Diaries” that never aired and might had a better chance in making an impact if they just went hardcore porn with this parody. I was just disappointed I had to watch it hoping it might have the charm of a Jim Wynorski film but I was wrong as I give it 0 stars.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #317

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Gross Movie Reviews #317

 

 By Tim Gross

 

Reap (DVD) – A short film from Kyle Cates that was one of the many extras on the excellent independent thriller “Intrusion”. The film has a fun shot on video early 90s vibe where a married couple is getting ready to have a baby soon, new house, and cannot wait to spend their lives together. But soon this is all disrupted when an unknown individual breaks into the home and brutally rapes and kills the wife. During a struggle shortly after the husband gets the upper hand and takes matters into his own hands and disgustingly destroys the person that has ruined his perfect life. I give it 2 1/2 out of 4 stars.

 

Don’t Look Now (VHS) – A Donald Sutherland and Julie Christie film from 1973 based on a novel set in Venice, Italy. Jon and Laura is a happy couple until their daughter drowns in a creek in the backyard but the disturbing thing is Jon may have seen it happen before it did. Some time passes with Jon set on rebuilding an old church and his wife Laura still trying to pick up the pieces meets a woman and her sister who is blind and they see Laura’s dead child. The movie moves at a snail’s pace and is supposed to be atmospheric. Me, I just could not get into the film at any point and wondered out loud if Donald had in his contract that he must be naked in every film he made in the 70s. I give the flick 1 star.

 

The ABCs of Death (DVD) – The concept is 26 short films by 26 different filmmakers from around the world and each of their films is one of the letters of the alphabet. Some are great, a few are horrible, and a couple I just snickered at. But the anthology project is something great for horror in my opinion because I believe Hollywood or at least some involved with Hollywood took notice of what has been done a few times now in the past decade by awesome unknown independent filmmakers. What I did take away from this interesting project was the second half of the alphabet really seems to have a toilet theme going…? I give it 3 stars and independent filmmakers remember someone has noticed what all yinz unknown talented bitches and bastards are doing!

fauces - claws - devil bear - 1977 - video011

Claws (VHS) – Imagine William Girdler’s “Grizzly” on no budget with lots of bear stock footage. Anyway apparently after a grizzly is wounded five years ago, it has a taste for human blood in the Alaskan mountains. Some of the natives believe the bear is the “devil bear” and cannot be killed or it’s a ghost sent to haunt humans for fucking with bears. Either way the film is a butt load of fun if you like ‘When Animal Attacks’ flicks. I give the flick 2 ½ stars. This film proves why a lot of 70s flicks are just going to get better with age.

 

Twisted Fate (DVD) – A budding independent filmmaker Timothy Novotny with big ideas gave me his first short film from 2012 that has two men: Samuel and Kain hanging out in a basement looking for salvation in one form or other. I like the bleakness, the guts, and the arguments of the bible that compare to what’s left of the world after it went to hell. But a little more budget and a different direction may have made this short film just plain bad ass! With a little confidence in his future projects and his team up with one of my personal favorite independent filmmakers Jim Roberts makes me joyful in what Tim has in store for horror film fans like me. I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars. For more details on this filmmaker and other projects check out: www.novotariansyndicate.com .

 

Outpost 3: Rise of the Spetsnaz (On Demand) – The prequel/sequel to the amazing Nazi Zombie Bunker films that I am sure Hollywood will try to remake it and have Paul W. ‘I suck’ S. Anderson destroy it like he does with most projects. This story takes place towards the end of WWII with a Russian hit squad making their way towards a secret Nazi facility. Little they know Nazis are doing experiments of all sorts on the undead. Once captured and most of them killed, two surviving bad ass Russians just put an ass whopping on zombie experiments and Nazi officers in order to escape the underground prison. Cool creatures, great gore, but the film just doesn’t fit with the two great films before it. If you have seen the first two films this maybe a letdown since the first two films not only set the bar very high to top, but had an ending that satisfy most viewers. Also make sure you pay attention to when the American soldier is introduced to the Russians as his name is Captain Rogers. I give the film 2 stars.

 

The Dark Side of the Moon (VHS) – This is a little unknown sci-fi flick that predates “Event Horizon” by several years. Its 2022 and a ship comes across Discovery 18 which disappeared after a splashdown in the Bermuda Triangle 30 years ago. The crew having issues with its instruments and oxygen levels right before they go into the shadow of the moon find the drifting ship. The crew boards in hopes of finding answers to their ship’s problems but end up with a whole other set of problems, mainly the devil may have been waiting for them in outer space? The film doesn’t have much of a budget or named actors but has a well-rounded story that makes the film worth tracking down if you never heard of it. Call it a hidden gem as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Man of Steel (DVD) – The newest version of Superman hit the big screen with lots of fanfare and comic book geeks ejaculating all over themselves. The film retells the story of Clark Kent hiding among us common humans and brings back one of the coolest villains ever in General Zod where Superman must choose sides between the new Krypton and Earth. The film was entertaining and I got to admit I did enjoy the new Zod but felt Russell Crowe was a little over the top and just feel it’s hard to beat the cheesy Christopher Reeve version with the perfect General Zod in part two. I give the film 2 ½ stars. Let’s hope it doesn’t take another $200 – $500 million dollars and twenty years later to keep the franchise going as I love Marvel but Superman was always intriguing…

7th Day 2012 movie poster

7th Day (DVD) – In the past most independent filmmakers would make a serial killer film and as a reviewer I would  almost cringe at the thought of it as the project was usually brainless, bloodless, and a complete waste of time as they would try to mostly use naked women to sell the bad product.But the past year or two independent filmmakers and writers have blown me away how they have been able to make these lean, mean, gritty, serial killer films that make Hollywood blush. And Jason Koch made sure this project was no different than that trend in blowing me away with the “7th Day” film. We meet a man named Allen Dean who knows what he is and tells the viewer plain and simple, “This is what he does.” Allen narrates most of the film or talks to a ghost, his conscience, image of a mutated reporter (take your pick) and takes you the viewer through his insanely sleazy life. Allen Dean would like you to know he picks his victims by “selections” and is completely sane even if he feels the need to do cocaine with his neighbor or have sex with one of his victims. Even with all that going on Mr. Dean is trying to figure out how he can get the love of his life to notice him at his dead end job. The film takes an unconventional roller coaster ride into the gross and sick world of Allen Dean, with just a dash of sleaze that makes you want to watch and enjoy the film alone and be sure to take a shower after. Bravo Jason Koch, you have gotten my attention and most likely many others and good luck. I give the project 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find the film at: www.direwitfilms.com .

 

Beware! The Blob (VHS/YouTube) – It’s the follow-up to the 50s classic that takes a more comedic approach its basic premise Hippies vs. The Blob. The film feels like exploitation but just feel it’s just one of those bad 70s films that most of our parents enjoyed making fun at the drive-in back in their day. Oh by the way, an instant frozen ice rink kills it and did I mention Larry Hagman directed with having Dick Van Patten, Cindy Williams, Sid Haig, and Burgess Meredith in his cast? I give it 1 ½ stars but if I’m drunk I would give it 3 stars.

 

Bermuda Tentacles (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Oh thank the lord Rutger Hauer that SyFy Channel has broken their almost five month drought without a new Saturday night flick! John Savage plays the president, Linda Hamilton plays a Naval fleet commanding officer, and Jamie Kennedy plays a scientist (remember the talented Tara Reid in “Alone in the Dark”), I believe I have said too much besides the Bermuda Triangle is an alien being! I give it 2 stars and thank you SyFy Channel.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

 

Don’t forget you can find me here on May 3rd:

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Gross Movie Reviews #316

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Gross Movie Reviews #316

 

By Tim Gross

 

Oblivion (DVD) – A great sci-fi/western/comedy off the beaten path type of film from Charles Band and Full Moon back in the mid-90s. It’s the year 3031 and the old west is back again with even a cyborg deputy played by the cool ass Meg Foster! A bad dude named Red Eye played by Andrew Divoff rolls into town of Oblivion for the mere reason to shoot down the town sheriff. Once done, Red Eye and his S&M sidekick Lash plan on taking over the town. The son of the sheriff learns of the news from the undertaker and returns to a town looking for a new sheriff and he believes he isn’t it as his father and he didn’t see eye to eye. Whether Zack wants to or not he must face off with Red Eye in a showdown as lives depend on it. The film has some great moments that include the night scorps and an arm wrestling event that involves a little green puppet monster. This is a film that has been forgotten by most but worth revisiting as Charles Band proved he can do other projects outside of the usual suspects: Puppet Master, Trancers, and Subspecies. The film also stars the likes of Issac Hayes, Julie Newmar, George Takei, Carel Struycken, and Irwin Keyes. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Oblivion 2: Backlash (DVD) – The film continues the storyline of Lash still doing criminal activity but with Red Eye dead she is forced to do everything herself and the new sheriff Zack plans on keeping the town of Oblivion safe. But soon that changes when a bounty hunter played by Maxwell Caulfield flies his ship into town to arrest Lash for something she never did years ago. Zack finds himself between a rock and a hard place when he has to defend Lash but also finds out Red Eye has a brother Jaggar has just landed and wants to find Lash also. The sequel struggles to have the same fun western/sci-fi feel of the first flick and seems at times Charles Band maybe shouldn’t have stretch the storyline to a second film… But if you watched the first film you need to see the second film to see how it ends as I give the film 2 stars.

 

Gingerdead Man vs. Evil Bong (DVD) – The mish-mash flick may never have lived up to the hyped but Charles Band goes all out to market the film any way possible as I got mine in a box of cereal called “WEEDIES”! At least Full Moon veteran actress Robin Sydney (Sarah) returns; as the pretty girl who owns the bakery that brought to life the foul-mouthed cookie monster we all know and love. But Charles Band doesn’t stop there as he brings back Larnell from the “Evil Bong” series and he relives his story through flashbacks now that he owns his own Head Shop and would like to meet Sarah in order to help each other out business wise. Meanwhile the evil cookie is back and wants his revenge on Sarah but he has to go find them in the world of EEBEE the Evil Bong. Soon it builds for a face-off that just putters out than be a fun colossal fight. This film disappointed me, but shouldn’t have as Charles Band has tried mish-mash fights like this in the past and it doesn’t translate well in Full Moon movie world as I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

The Missing (DVD) – Tommy Lee Jones stars in this supernatural western film that has him as a father to Kate Blatchett that left her years ago to pursue a dream he had that told him that he needed to leave his family. But now he is back trying to reconnect only to have it go wrong when an Indian attacks his family and kidnaps his granddaughter. But this Indian is considered a witch as he hangs snakes from trees and only believes in selling women of any color in Mexico. To be honest I totally forgot this flick but glad I got a chance to watch this film as I can see why some people even classify it as a horror film. I give it 3 stars.

Survival Quest

Survival Quest (VHS) – A great forgotten Don Coscarelli film that doesn’t get its due it deserves as Lance Henriksen plays a character named Hank Chambers who is a mountain man that helps normal people come to his camp and learn to work together, survive in the wild, and respect the world. When Hank confronts a crazed weekend warrior and he is wounded his group runs for their lives and tries to survive the crazed weekend warrior’s attacks throughout the woods and the only ones they can depend on is themselves as Hank has taught them. A great 80s adventure film that seems timeless and deserves a better fate than YouTube/VHS hell. I give the flick 4 stars and as usual prove Lance Henriksen makes everything better including having Reggie Bannister as your airplane pilot.

 

The Last Warrior (DVD) – A 9.7 magnitude earthquake separates California from the rest of the United States and Dolph Lundgren has taken it upon himself to try and restore order at his lonely armed forces compound to all who come. The film sounds better than it is just for the mere fact the film lacks budget and could have possibly been bad ass if there was a better budget for Dolph and company. I give the film 2 stars.

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My Sucky Teen Romance (DVD) – Emily Hagins, the young filmmaker that gave us the interesting zombie flick “Pathogen” several years ago this time around tackles teens facing college, their last trip to SpaceCon, and are vampires actually real. The movie pokes fun at the recent “Twilight” films every chance it gets but also pokes fun at today’s awkward teens just trying to live their lives the way they want. Don’t let the title mislead you away from this very funny and a must watch comedy. I give it 3 stars.

 

The Fine Art (VHS) – Its Eric Stanze’s shot on video student film from 1992 and released in 1994 that revolves around an artist named Valerie that is very talented but not at love as she is very unsure of herself. Valerie goes out on a blind date at her friend’s persistence with a friend of hers and soon allows him into her world. But when Valerie peaks into his world she is disturbed and scared what could happen next, especially when her best friend brings up the Cedar Hill Slayer murders that happened last year. The film is very rough around the edges but if given a chance you can see why Eric Stanze is considered a talented filmmaker. I give it 2 stars.

 

Bounty Hunters 2: Hardball (VHS) – Michael Dudikoff and Lisa Howard are back in the sequel playing bounty hunters who get tangled up with the mob only to realize they really need to work together before both are killed. Yeah, the movie is a big bag of boring poo but with Dudikoff starring and a number 2 after the title there was no way I could pass it up. I give the flick 1 star.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #315

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Gross Movie Reviews #315

 

 By Tim Gross

 

The Visitor (DVD) – The crazy hippie space out film from 1979 is also known as “Stridulum” is being released by Alamo Drafthouse Films. I believe there is no sure way to describe Hippie Jesus and an old dude help alien children and they are from a different dimension or something like that. This film makes the ‘mindfuck’ film “Fight Club” like a normal boring film. Apparently, Space Jesus aka Franco Nero tells a story about an alien prisoner who escaped years ago and pretty much impregnated any woman he could on earth so there would be evil alien children! It only gets better when a 8 year old named Katie shows up at a Lance Henriksen owned Atlanta Rebels basketball game to make a basketball explode in the final seconds and no one questions it. From there Katie’s mom doesn’t want to get married or have another child as Lance’s character presses her to do so as he is being controlled by a room full of unknown men. There is an agenda somewhere but between the old dude John Huston showing up to take Katie to another dimension and some weird sexual thing in white tents on top of a building I am not sure exactly what agenda it is serving except for those of you that will take LSD when watching the film. The film also stars Sam Peckinpah, Shelley Winters, and Glenn Ford in a movie that words cannot do justice for… Which by the way did I mention Space Jesus? Good luck my weird movie watching friends as I give the film 3 stars for just being that out there.

 

Bounty Hunters (VHS) – Michael Dudikoff is a low end bounty hunter that needs a paycheck to his bills that month and pleads to the local police he needs something. Well, he gets a guy he is supposed to pick up that gets him $10,000 but soon realizes he might want more money as a woman bounty hunter has been camping out on the guy for five days and they just got mixed up into some mob business. Unless you are a Dudikoff fan it’s not the most exciting action film as I give it 2 stars.

 

This is the End (DVD) – James Franco is having his usual Hollywood party that has all the young rich stars partying like it’s the end of the world until it is. Earthquakes begin to happen; trees are falling, people getting sucked up by blue lights from the sky, people dying… Once Seth Rogen and his best friend get back from the convenience store, Franco and others board up the house and try to decide what the next move is for them, if any. The film is hilarious but for me not as good as “The World’s End” but was still glad I got to see it. I have to give the flick 3 stars.

 

The Art of the Steal (On Demand) – If you were awaiting Kurt Russell’s comeback like I was you will not be disappointed in this crime/action flick that has Kurt Russell as an aging thief who did 5 ½ years in a Poland prison and now retired from the life of crime after his brother put him there. Russell is a motorcycle riding stuntman who pretty much does stunts for small carnivals and so on which pales in comparison what he used to do in another life. But when an opportunity arises for Russell to not only get back in the game but be remembered for one of the biggest art heists ever he has a plan you don’t see coming until it is over. The film is well directed, well casted, and kept me at the edge of my seat the whole time. Loved every second of screen time Russell had and just to top it off General Zod from “Superman 2” is a former art thief who helps authorities look into criminals like Russell’s character. The film is absolutely brilliant and cannot wait to watch it again as I believe it will be one of the best films for me in 2014 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Machete Kills (DVD) – Danny Trejo is back to reprise his role as “Machete” this time to do a job for his new country and to help out president Carlos Estevez kill a man in Mexico who has his sights or missile aimed at Washington D.C. But when the missile is control by the madman’s heart Machete just can’t kill him he must fight to get him over the border in 24 hours and get the only other person that exists to remove the contraption. Once again lots of over the top action, blood, and famous cameos but in the end I find myself enjoying the first film more than this sequel. Maybe it was missing crazy luchadors? But if Robert Rodriguez is able to pull off a third film that takes place in space that could be even more amazing than the first film! I give the sequel 3 stars and thought it was smart casting choice in making Mel Gibson the villain “Voz”. Now go and enjoy!

 

Hidden (DVD) – A fun horror film about a dude that inherits a building that just happens to hold his mother’s scientific experiments where she believed she could cure addiction all together with the help of a flying insect. But once himself and friends arrive to check out the place and decide what to do with it the man finds out his mother did these experiments hidden away for good reason as strange kids begin to fucking eat his friends one by one. The film reminds me a lot of the relatively unknown horror film “The Kindred” from 1987. The horror film is worth taking a chance on as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Back Road

Back Road (DVD) – Independent film producer and writer Jon Manthei with the help of writer/director Joseph Thompson is back at it again with his latest short film that in my belief could make a great 75 or 80 minute feature. The film follows Tommy and Tabaitha who are on their first date and have a flat tire on a long dirt road and its getting dark. Together they find help from a kind stranger driving by only to find they are next on the family’s menu but the film ends when it is just beginning as one of the couple have a surprise for the cannibal family. The film feels like “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 and 3” meets “From Dusk Till Dawn” as it lures you in with the feeling you have seen this film before until the surprise happens and makes you want more from the talented duo. What makes the film work really well is not only how well the surprise is set up but I thought the two actors playing Tommy and Tabaitha played the ‘awkward first date couple’ so well you actually feel really bad when they are first kidnapped. I give the short film 3 ½ out of 4 stars and hope the talented duo listens and fleshes out a feature of this short film with a little more darker and demonic overtone to it? To find out more about Jon Manthei, Joseph Thompson, and their future projects go check out www.facebook.com/campfirepictures . Oh by the way look for the Ted Nugent for President bumper sticker, it fits perfect in this short film.

TRANCERS1_5Newsletter

Trancers City of Lost Angels (DVD) – Finally, the lost sequel or segment for Charles Band’s “Pulsepounders” anthology that never seen the light of day has been restored and released to DVD recently. Most people call it “Trancers 1.5” as the 25 minute film picks sometime after the first film with Jack Deth and his girlfriend Helen Hunt in 1986 running Deth’s detective agency. While during an argument between the two, McNulty knocks on the door after coming down the line to warn Jack about a criminal Edlin Shock who has escaped and wants him dead after spending five years in a prison in the future. Jack Deth springs into action again to return the futuristic criminal only to realize he misses the past and wants to spend his time in the past. It’s great seeing this film as if you are a fan of the series “1.5” fits just right into the timeline and most likely was to help new fans of Full Moon in 1988/1989 to understand the Jack Deth character more as the first film was hard to find depending where you lived. Once the sequels came out, the first film eventually became easier to find especially with the introduction of DVD in the 90s. I give the film 3 stars if you are a fan of the series, 2 stars if you are new to the whole Jack Deth story as most likely since this is one of the earlier Full Moon series that hasn’t had a sequel or reboot in years?

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Horror Realm this weekend horror movie fans!!!

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Horror Realm march

 

 

 

Come on out as I will have a table with co-director Daniel Boyd as we continue pimping out our new film Jagoff Massacre! We will have copies of the film for sale and we still have a few T-shirts left. Plus I will have my book The Big Ass Book of Gross Movie Reviews for sale and of course I will be there to talk about the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast, Spookies, Jagoff Massacre 2 as its in pre-production, my next book which was recently finished and just waiting for the perfect cover from the great artist Ed Quillin! And as always we will have a beer or two or 12… So come on by the convention check out all the guests, movies, and at some point stop by to chat with Gross Movie Reviews himself Tim Gross. I will see yinz there!

Gross Movie Reviews #313

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Gross Movie Reviews #313

 

By Tim Gross

 

Homesick (DVD) – An independent film that was released through Synapse Films that stars the very talented Tiffany Shepis, Bill Moseley, and Tom Towles. Friends at a party one night are visited by a strange man or should I say razor salesman who holds Shepis hostage while he asks questions and cuts himself with razors that were in his suitcase. The questions result in who you want to die? Well after the salesman/Bill Moseley leaves, the friends begin dying one by one and not sure how to stop the killing spree. There is a good amount of gore and a couple uncomfortable scenes for the horror newbies but overall the film was kinda blah and may have be better off with less acting talent and using the money for other things to help the film. I give the movie 2 stars.

 

Fall Down Dead (DVD) – The great Udo Kier plays a serial killer named The Picasso Killer who is chasing his perfect victim on Christmas Eve. If that wasn’t enough David Carradine is thrown in as a security guard and a victim of The Picasso Killer. The script is not great but with the presence of Udo Kier and some awesome gore effects and kept me interested long enough to watch the whole film and give it 2 ½ stars.

swamphead_1

Swamphead (DVD) – It is the mysterious independent screener that was found behind my computer with an email address and no one claiming of giving it to me to review. The film is from Rabid Child Films and is about a man a thousand years ago named Robert Gross (awesome) whose head is separated from his body during a bloody battle and apparently haunts the local Wisconsin woods. Well Gross’s head is pissed off, giving rednecks with a broken arm head in a hot tub, and back to killing local folk. But it’s all up to a paranormal expert, a retard, and three high school kids to stop Swamphead. The independent film is not great by any means but I was entertained by the flying robot and the giant bloodbath. I give the film 2 out of 4 stars.

 

Eastern Condors (DVD) – A film from the mid-80s which is along the lines of an international Rambo and Rambo 2 and a better looking Delta Force film starring and directed by Sammo Hung. Two Asian officers are hired by the U.S. government for a super-secret mission where they recruit 10 prisoners with nothing to lose and everything to gain (U.S. citizenship and $200,000) where they would parachute into Vietnam and destroy a secret stash of weapons that the U.S. left when the military pulled out in 1974-1975. What makes the film even more interesting is right before the captain of the mission is about to jump he is told that the mission has been aborted which places an extra spin on this unbelievable action film. This film completely blows away any “Delta Force” flick. This film beginning to end is overflowing with great eye-popping fight scenes and is another example of why I need to find more international films to watch and review! I give the film 4 stars.

 

Absolute Power (DVD) – Another great Clint Eastwood flick that has him playing a thief who is blamed for the death of a rich woman who was having an affair with the President of the United States and is married to the president’s best friend. Eastwood’s character sees everything and escapes when the secret service is trying to cover it up as a burglary gone wrong. Eastwood on the run has been doing this for a long time and knows he needs to disappear far away until the president holds a press conference showing his ignorance to the event and decides he is gonna return the stolen money and jewelry and bring down the president and the people who covered it up. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

The Frozen Ground (DVD) – A film based on a true story stars an old looking John Cusack playing serial killer Robert Hansen who became notorious in 1983 when captured by an Alaskan state trooper for the amount of murders he got away with for over a decade and the exact number may never be known. Nic Cage puts in a good performance as the Alaskan state trooper who helps and uses information given to him by a young hooker who survived an attack by Robert Hansen. Hansen was perceived as the perfect family man with a couple kids, business, etc., but has a history of events that involved abusing women but was never charged and that just fueled his desire to murder whenever the family was out of town. A good film worth tracking down if you enjoy films about true life serial killers as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Alien Space Avenger

Alien Space Avenger (VHS) – My obsession for watching bad films has no bounds as this 1988 low budget flick has a cartoonist struggling to keep his job unless he comes up with a new story arc. But before that four alien terrorists escape to earth in the 1930s looking for plutonium for their ship only to find zero and decide to hide in their ship for fifty years. Unearthed by a construction crew, the aliens make their way into New York looking for plutonium for their ship. Then they are to be followed by the struggling cartoonist who uses the aliens for his story arc only to realize they are actually aliens and they will kill him if they can ever get a hold of him. If there was a compliment I could give this flick it would be: This is a USA Up All Night flick if I ever seen one as I give this bad but fun movie 1 ½ stars.

 

Werewolf: The Devil’s Hound (DVD) – Another horrible werewolf film that just feeds the horror fan’s complaints about a good werewolf flick outside of “American Werewolf in London”, “The Howling”, “Ginger Snaps”, “Dog Soldiers”, and the original “Wolf Man”. Nothing redeeming about this boring flick as a werewolf is accidentally sent to a pyrotechnics company by mistake, breaks loose, and attacks anything nearby. If that wasn’t insulting enough the werewolf costume looks like a throw away costume from SyFy Channel’s exclusive film “Yeti”. First rule of making a werewolf film: Have good costume/effects! Second rule: Have money to make a werewolf film or should I say pull one off? I give this waste of space at the video store 0 stars.

 

The Street Fighter (VHS) – It’s 1974 and Sonny Chiba fucks a lot shit up! Including some dude’s ball sack! Sonny is a bad ass mercenary who is trying to protect a billionaire’s daughter. Along the way Chiba even takes on a whole dojo… That is just bad ass as I give this classic 4 stars.

 

Orloff against The Invisible Man (DVD) – The 1970 film has several names but none of them make the film any easier to watch as some scientist dude named Orloff has an invisible gorilla that rapes a bunch of women. Then he dies at the paws and vicious mouths of some German Shepherds! I give it 2 stars.

 

13 Eerie (DVD) – Katherine Isabelle and five other students are testing out in the field as part of their C.S.I. course. They are led out to an island by their professor and maintenance guy where a state prison and a small community have long been abandoned or they think? An extra body is found during student’s test and then disappears only to begin attacking the corpses that were left out for the student’s tests. Soon the small group of people realizes they are being stalked by possible human experiments from the old prison. Cool effects, lots of blood, Katherine Isabelle in another horror film, not your typical zombies, a little throwback to John Saxon’s “Zombie Deathhouse” which all equals that you need to go watch this direct to video horror flick! I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com or pick up a copy at our table at Horror Realm from us March 7-9th, 2014. Go to www.horrorrealmcon.com for more details on the convention.

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #311

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Gross Movie Reviews #311

 

By Tim Gross

 

Chronicle (DVD) – A very surprising film about three teenagers who during a party go out to investigate a crater in the woods that turns out to be a cave with something glowing. One kid is filming everything in his life recently because he believes his life sucks and this may help him through. Through this point of view is most of the movie as after the teenagers see the glowing light they appear in a backyard talking about the experience. Soon they begin to get super powers of sorts unsure what’s going on they make a pact to tell no one. But they try to harness their powers as they keep it secret but soon the teenager with the camera and stressful life goes overboard and causes chaos. The film is underrated, entertaining, and worth wasting your 90 minutes to watch it as I give it 3 stars.

 

Season of the Witch (DVD) – Yeah, it is that Nic Cage film that also stars Ron Perlman and Christopher Lee. Cage and Perlman’s characters are soldiers for the church for several years but decide they believe the church is starting unjust wars and leaves only to come upon a village riddled with the plague and find out it’s been cursed by a witch. The two are forced to travel and take the witch that is believed to be the problem to trial only to find out more. The film could have easily cut the budget in half and made a big deal having a premier on SyFy Channel and believe it would have been more accepting by movie fans. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Midget

Midget Zombie Takeover (DVD/YouTube) – Thank god for independent filmmakers because I love the stuff that keeps being churned out that no one knows about and this another one of those great flicks you need to go buy and support. Thanks to director/writer/producer Glen Berggotz we get a zombie film from Fort Wayne, Indiana that proves there is still room in zombie genre for another great film. Amanda and friends are having a fun party weekend when Amanda’s parents go out of town to grandma’s house. Soon while having fun they are warned by the “Crazy Ralph” neighbor that they will all die by the oncoming ‘midget zombie apocalypse’! Once under siege Amanda and friends slowly make their way into the house and not forgetting their hamburgers to barricade themselves in. They tackle such hard issues as who will go out to the car, they need potato chips, get rid of the fat guy, and who will repopulate the earth?  It was cool to see that the actors and director were on the same page of the dramatic overacting of independent zombie movies and keeping it up no matter what is going on in each scene. The one thing that disappointed me and I also thought was awesome at the same time was I believe that they only had one midget zombie used and reused in every scene that involves zombies which made me torn by this as I was hoping for an army of zombie Warwick Davis’s! If you enjoyed such classics “Holy Shit… Zombies” and “Toxic Shock Zombies”, this film is a must have for your independent collection as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. You can find out more and support the film at https://www.facebook.com/MidgetZombieTakeover .

Reel Zombies

Reel Zombies (DVD) – A surprisingly fucking awesome independent zombie flick that was filmed in 2008 that has recently found distribution with Synapse Films. This film from Michael Masters and David J. Francis is just fucking brilliant and wish I heard about this flick earlier than this. The filmmakers play themselves in the film that takes place during a zombie apocalypse! Yep, the zombies have taken over but people are still trying to live their lives around as much as possible including Mr. Masters and Mr. Francis who have decided it is time to make “Zombie Night 3” but using real zombies in their scenes. So they set out on getting together their old buddies that worked behind the scenes on the first two “Zombie Night” films. Everybody not totally sold on the idea do it anyway because it just seems like it could be a great idea or just sold to them it will be great by the two filmmakers. The movie chronicles the mishaps, zombies eating the extras, the hero zombie being stolen from the set because the caretaker doesn’t want him to die, concert scene gone wrong, and the filmmakers trying to make a masterpiece. It’s a smart look into the behind the scenes of independent productions and you can tell these guys like myself have seen a lot of behind the scene stuff, worked on independent flicks, and most likely have watched way too many to count independent films over the years. The film is not only well scripted with the best cameo appearance of Lloyd Kaufmann that he has ever done, but well casted, great effects, and will be one of the best films that hit DVD in 2014! Don’t forget the laugh your ass of deleted scenes and outtakes (40 minutes of them). You can find this brilliant flick at www.synapse-films.com .

 

Inhuman Resources (DVD) – Another recent Fangoria release that tackles a serial killer in the office work place. A man is accused of being a serial killer and sent to an asylum after he is found in an elevator covered in blood and with an ax. But he isn’t your normal serial killer, he is one that is killing off corrupt company CEO’s. But six people who had something to do with the trial find themselves waking up in an office chained to a table and computers and find out the serial killer is still alive. Without trying to give too much up about this horrifically bloody horror flick the man believes he was framed and wants the six to find out who actually did it? A great blood and guts kinda film that reminds me a little of “Severance”. I give the flick 3 ½ stars. Look for the Tom Savini cameo…

 

Pacific Rim (DVD) – Wasn’t impressed by the trailers so I waited to watch the flick and pleasantly surprised by it. “Pacific Rim” is one those check your brain at the door kinda flicks that combines elements from “Godzilla films”, “Robot Jox” from Charles and Albert Band, and maybe even a small element of “Power Rangers”.  The reason I say check your brain at the door because it’s not trying to be smart or reinvent how movies should be done but just giving as much crazy ass robot action and monsters fighting for the fate of the world. Supposedly aliens aka creatures aka Kaiju has come from what’s called the ‘breech’ at the bottom of the ocean floor and attacking coastal cities throughout the world. Soon in the future all the nations come together to try to come up with a plan to destroy these creatures and prevent them from killing anyone else. Soon they build Jaegers aka giant fucking robots aka Charles Band’s Robot Jox clones to protect the world. But after several years after the war against the creatures has started the creatures seem to become smarter and the world’s leaders want to decommission what’s left of the Jagears. But a select few lead by one man believes there is a way to close the breech and it’s a race to find a way to close it before something bigger comes through and destroy all humanity! And Ron Perlman shows up! I give the fun creature vs robot flick 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com .

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #310

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Gross Movie Reviews #310

 

By Tim Gross

 

The Bleeding (DVD) – It’s a vampire film that is supposed to be a spring board for a MMA fighter in the lead role. Problem is the writer, director, and producer take it upon themselves to combine your most popular vampire films from the past ten or twelve years and cram it into a 90 minute elephant crap called a horror film. With a supporting cast of DMX, Vinnie Jones, and Michael Madsen you should expect more but as usual it’s all about the names and not the film plot and what horror movie fans enjoy. The film revolves around a man who is told he is a vampire slayer and must take out the vampire king who just happens to be his brother. The film has a few fun moments but overall makes feel bad for the MMA dude who got stuck with a poopy project. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

The World’s End (Blu-ray) – Edgar Wright in to direct, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost to star… Yep, the band is back together for their third outing and it doesn’t disappoint. Character Gary King (Simon Pegg) wants to relive some moments from being a graduating teenager in his old small town. More than anything to go and have one beer in all 12 pubs with his friends, something that got sidetracked years ago. Once King has convinced all his old buddies that this is a good idea they roll into the small town to begin the drinking marathon. Slowly, the friends notice everything is kinda weird and they are convinced once Gary gets into a fight with a younger guy in a bathroom and rips his head off. Things are not what they used to be. The friends in their drunken state must figure out what the hell is going on and how they can get the hell out of town! The film is hilarious and non-stop comedy gold. The Blu-ray has possibly the most extras I have ever seen on one disc as I give the film 4 stars.

 

Attack the Block (DVD) – A fun flick from the UK about teenage gang members taking on aliens when a rock falls from space and a creature awakens and attacks them. Once the alien is killed, the gang celebrates not knowing they are in a world of hurt as the alien is a female and it has all male friends that look like blind werewolves with glowing mouths. A great off-the-wall UK alien flick that I feel was poorly advertised here in the US and has Nick Frost in a small role to boot as a dude who just sells, smokes, and protects weed for his boss in the penthouse. I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Zombie Hunter (Blu-ray) – The film is part “Mad Max”, part zombie flick with a man who since the fall of mankind has been out in the desert obliterating every zombie around alone. The man comes upon a family of sorts led by a priest (Danny Trejo) after his vehicle is destroyed by a dumbass hillbilly that believes zombies can drive. The priest and the followers believe he can save them from an onslaught and maybe get them to an uninfected island? Problem is the man has too much hate that keeps him alive no matter what. The zombie flick is a cool premise that relies too much on the exploitation aspect but I believe possible lack of money help stare this project in that direction and I would have enjoyed seeing more of Danny Trejo. I give the flick 2 stars.

State

State of Emergency (DVD) – A low budget flick from a duo called “The Clay Brothers” that keeps it creepy and dramatic in this film that I can best compare it to Romero’s “The Crazies”. A man carrying his wife through the woods sets her down for her to die looking at him, then drags her to a nearby farmhouse to watch TV and listen to the radio to figure out what exactly is going on as there was chaos before the accident. Time passes but once he has gained his senses something gets in the farmhouse with it forcing him to kill it. The film never calls them ghouls, zombies, infected, etc., which I believe helps give the film a great creepy atmosphere. The cleverly written film makes you pay attention to what is being said on TV and radio and sucks you in and puts you the viewer in his shoes. The drama of the explosions and the strange things standing outside not moving but waiting motionless for humans make this a must see horror film for all! After this I will keep an eye out for any project that involves “The Clay Brothers”. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

The Invisible (DVD) – A teenager (Nick) who is close to graduating and seems to have his life mapped out by his mom is beaten up after a party one night and left for dead in a sewer drain. Next morning Nick returns to school only to learn no one can see him and he believes he is dead so he tries to haunt the girl that beaten him to possible death? Meanwhile the police investigate and the plot thickens when Nick learns his best friend was involved and the girl’s boyfriend doesn’t want the police sniffing around as he is out on parole and wants to prove to his girlfriend that she needs to listen. The girl haunted by her actions wants to do one good thing in her life and Nick tries to steer her into finding his lifeless body or is it? A pretty good, off the beaten path supernatural flick, that should have ghost enthusiasts scrambling to watch it. I give the flick 3 stars.

Mini-Golf

Mini-Golf Massacre (YouTube) – I continue my dream of watching every film I can get my hands on that has ‘massacre’ in the title. Especially when the film has that kinda “shot on VHS 80s” feel. When Leroy gets fired from the local putt-putt place, he steals the mascot mask and goes on a killing spree. I couldn’t stop laughing at the 31 minute movie as you can see the chainsaw clearly doesn’t have a chain on it. But fuck that shit, grab some friends, some beer, and some pizza and enjoy this horrible fun flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Manborg (DVD) – A complete over-the-top nutzoid, stop motion, CGI, anime influenced, mind blowing fantasy film from Steve Kostanski that pits humans vs. Hell’s Armies in the future after Count Draculon wasn’t stopped during a war long ago. In the future, Draculon’s armies have taken over and most of mankind is gone or underground. During the war long ago a man fighting Count Draculon was believed killed but became an experiment called, “Manborg” awakens in this hellish future. Manborg may be the one hope for mankind as he is taken into custody after killing a guard who was chasing an escape prisoner aka an extra from Mortal Kombat. Once in Hell’s prison he must fight in the arena. With help from other prisoners they soon begin killing all of Hell’s Armies. Soon Manborg learns to harness his powers after escaping and Manborg and friends begin an all-out assault on Count Draculon! The film is literally like a comic book geek’s brain exploded on screen. I enjoyed this completely unique and crazy film but feel there will be some fans that just won’t understand what exactly the film is and dislike it. I give this Mr. Kostanski’s amazing effort 3 ½ stars.

 

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (DVD) – Film version of the cult show in 1996 that spawned or influenced many recent internet horror hosts and podcasts that has a man Michael J. Nelson trapped in space and his two robots stuck in space made to watch horrible old sci-fi films. For this film version of the show they are made to watch “This Island Earth”. MST3K is the type of programming that has a rabid fan base that keeps its spirit alive now for years even though the show has been canceled. It’s a program clearly marketed for film geeks or stupid people who drink beer like myself. I give the film version of the original TV program 4 stars and may the influence of Michael J. Nelson and the robots live on.

 

Oblivion (DVD) – Its 2077, and earth has been ravaged by after effects of dropping nukes during a war with aliens in 2017 and the moon was half destroyed causing weather related catastrophes. Tom Cruise plays Jack, part of a two person team who is trying to protect these water things in the sky, keep maintenance up on drones that supposedly protect the planet from scavengers. The Scavengers are what came and started war with earth. While out on patrol Jack propels himself deep into a library to check for a down drone only to be attacked, but before that finds a book and reads a passage. Jack tries to bring it up to his partner but she wants none of it which is why he never tells her of the dreams that haunt him nightly. Soon Jack questions whether he wants to leave earth since he is supposed to report back to a colony that is on one of Saturn’s moons. Jack begins to question his dreams and exactly what he is doing. Oblivion is a futuristic film that starts off innocently enough as your big budget garbage but uses misdirection in its alien storyline to make the film very interesting. Plus, Tom Cruise gives a performance that reminded me he wasn’t always a dick in the industry and can still be someone worth watching in film. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Curse of Chucky (DVD) – Brad Dourif not only comes back for this sequel but his daughter stars in it, I’m in! Number six in the series plays like a regular bloody series sequel with Chucky on a killing spree but even with a little meaner streak if possible. Surprised there hasn’t been a remake yet? I sat back to watch as they stick with the slasher formula that worked in the past to give Chucky new life again as he arrives in a mail package with no return address. Soon a mother is dead and a daughter in a wheelchair is left picking up the pieces and wondering what the hell happened? Family comes to help and the fun begins. Chucky’s killing spree is something we have seen before but the whole time it felt different and different it was once you learn why Chucky arrived anonymous to this house and that’s where the real fun begins. If anything good comes out of the latest Chucky film it proves not everything has to be remade in order to be entertaining… I give it 2 ½ stars and just like to say thank you to Universal for giving the series another chance before that eventual reboot?

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com .

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #308

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Gross Movie Reviews #308

 

By Tim Gross

 

Return to Class of Nuke ’Em High Volume One (Theater/Blu-ray) – Recently Uncle Lloyd decided it was time to revisit the classic series and revive it with an entry that goes the route of the latest “Star Trek” films of being: a remake, sequel, and everything in-between. You know the film is going to be epic when Stan Lee is the first face you see and a few minutes later Lemmy from Motorhead is the president of the United States and he has subtitles. Sometime has past and society has changed and it isn’t cool to make fun of toxic waste and nuclear energy. So now, Lloyd Kaufman the president of “Tromorganic Foodstuff Products” and he supplies most of Jersey and the new Tromaville High School with food. But this is only a subplot of the film as the film revolves around two girls’ name Lauren and Chrissy who are learning to get along. But when a leak of Tromorganic green liquid gets in the school lunch soon the drama department becomes “The New Cretins”! And then no one is safe as they terrify the school and its students but soon Lauren and Chrissy have odd dreams or nightmares of having giant dicks and beating up The New Cretins. The film is a lot of fun and is reminder of how good the original is, was, and always will be … but I also believe this is a film for the new generation of Troma fans which will look upon on this great flick just like the first generation of Troma fans look at: The Toxic Avenger and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Of course Troma believes nothing is untouchable as they make fun of: House Foreclosures, Jerry Sandusky, CNN covering school shootings, illegal downloading, blogging, people with diabetes, the glee club, Obama Care! If that wasn’t enough Debbie Rochon, Cigar face, and quite a few other characters from past Troma films make an appearance so pay close attention. The movie was perfect and one of the best films of 2013. The only thing I could find to complain about is of course they shot so much fun stuff for the film they had to split it into two films. I give this newest classic from Troma 4 stars.

 

Dark Shadows (DVD) – Johnny Depp brings the character of Barnabus Collins to life in this film adaption of a 70s daytime television cult favorite. It’s 1972, and Mr. Collins has been asleep for a very long time only to wake up and find out his family business is in shambles and the witch that cursed him is still alive and trying to get rid of his descendants by any means necessary. But Barnabus is not all about sucking blood from people’s necks as he would like the curse to be lifted to live out his life. The movie is nor good or bad more of a time filler until you find something better. I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Beneath (Chiller TV/DVD) – Five teenagers have just graduated high school and want to have one last party before they go their separate ways. They decide they want to boat across the lake but only Johnny knows they shouldn’t because of the legend that lives in the lake. Persuaded by the girl he wants but can never have to help them get across things go bad when they decide to take a swim once out in the middle of the lake. That is when the film becomes more than just an ordinary lake creature film and the characters bicker about who should live and who shouldn’t so others can survive. By the end the creature feature becomes a mean spirited story of what teenagers can be like these days? It is a little different; a little bit interesting, a creature feature that rethinks the usual formula of your usual present day killer fish monster film! I give the flick 3 stars and believe more horror fans need to give this a second look.

 

Sherlock Holmes: A Game of Shadows (DVD) – Robert Downey Jr. reprises his role as the eccentric investigator Sherlock Holmes as he must deal with his companion Watson getting married and not wanting to solve any mysteries any longer. But when one man who believes he is smarter than anyone in the world involves Watson and his new wife, he must help Holmes solve and save the world that cause world war. I enjoy Robert Downey Jr. as an actor and enjoyed the first film but believe this entry was more to just fulfill a contract more than adding just inspiring to the series. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Skyfall (DVD) – The latest in the new Bond films starring David Craig as 007 dies at the beginning of the film or thought to be dead when trying to stop a man who is stealing secret identities of agents undercover for MI6. Several months go by and no James Bond and that’s when the cyber-terrorism begins as names begin to leak out on YouTube and it’s all aimed at M for something she did in the past. Bond seeing this on a television far from his old home feels he is needed to get back in the secret agent game and help M. M knows even if Bond is in poor condition he is the best chance to save MI6 and bringing down those who are creating the cyber-terrorism attacks. The film goes full circle, excites old school Bond fans, and begins anew. If you were a fan of Sean Connery or a fan of Roger Moore like I was this Bond brings you more interested than ever about what’s the next Bond film?! If you were any type of Bond fan do yourself a favor and see this film as I give it 4 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters (DVD) – A children’s story with a new horror twist to it. Apparently, Hansel and Gretel were orphaned so they wouldn’t be sacrificed and grew up to hate and hunt witches for a living. The film asks if you the viewer checks your brain at the door and enjoy the crazy over the top storyline with shitty computer effects. The film was a little better than a pile of shit I thought it would be but I believe this project should have been a SyFy Channel exclusive as I believe horror fans would have been more accepting and would have at least tuned in to watch it when it premiered? I give it 2 stars.

 

Zombie Nightmare (DVD) – Jon Mikl Thor stars as a man who has just been killed by some young party goers who just poured out of a high class bar. Thor’s mother is owed a favor by the local voodoo witch in town who brings his back to life to seek revenge. Did I mention we have Adam West as a detective and Tia Carrere as one of the young party goers? And yes its 1986… It’s very bad but in such a great “USA Up All Night” way where you are waiting for Rhoda Shear to cut in every ten to fifth-teen minutes. I give it 2 stars.

Hellinger

Hellinger (DVD) – A little girl named Melissa 20 years ago is eating with her father who despises her. He despises Melissa so much he taunts her with her favorite stuffed animal until Melissa wishes him to be dead. Then evil is born. Within seconds a strange dark figure appears and ends Melissa’s father in a very gruesome way. 20 years has past and Melissa is still afraid of the darkness and believes what came to murder her father that night 20 years ago still sits and waits in the darkness for her. Melissa still distraught by the darkness is seeing a doctor to help her through her past of what she calls the darkness. But let’s not forget Melissa now all grown up may be still afraid of the darkness but has time to boink the fuck out of her boyfriend before he becomes a gory mess at the hands of the strange darkness. The film plays out like an odd independent homage of “Hellraiser” that may have been misunderstood in 1997 but if made today with a little more money I could see a huge following for the strange film about a priest named Father Donaldson who had his own ideas of how his religion should be followed. Gore, boobs, and strange shit about darkness makes this shot on video flick a must see for the fans of independent cinema as a give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Carnage Road (DVD) – “Hellinger” filmmaker Massimilano Cerchi directs, John Polonia wrote the screenplay, and the editor is Mark Polonia make this modern shot on video slasher interesting enough. The film centers around four photography students who go out to the Nevada desert to get the best pictures for their project. Little they know “Quiltface” is awaiting their arrival. Quiltface is a legend about a disfigured person who lives out in the desert killing those who get lost there. Or if you go by what I say: its Leatherface’s second cousin on his mum’s side and has the fat bootleg version of Bill Moseley to help, as he only goes into town to get shit paper. And these two enjoy collecting fresh body parts especially if they are stupid college students who don’t believe in the legend of Quiltface. I give the shot on video flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Better Off Dead (DVD) – A very offbeat comedy from 1985 that stars John Cusack as Lane, a high school teenager who can’t catch a break as he can’t make the ski team and his girlfriend (Amanda Wyss) Beth just broke up with him with the ski team president. So Lane spends a lot of the film trying to come up with funny ways to commit suicide until Monique the foreign exchange student from across the street takes notice and wants to help him out of his funk of trying to commit suicide or trying to find a way to impress Beth again. Meanwhile Lane’s best friend Charles Demar isn’t helping much as he just wants good drugs in their lame ass town. The film is a great 80s flick that sums up a lot about the decade and this film is still considered a huge fan favorite. I give the great flick 4 stars.

 

Zombie Night (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Anthony Michael Hall dips his toe into the lower budgeted zombie genre with his role as a father trying to protect his daughter and wife (Darryl Hannah) from hordes of flesh eaters. Take it or leave it kinda of film that was kinda fun to watch Anthony Michael Hall fucking up zombies to save his family. Too bad there was no Judd Nelson. I give it 2 stars.

 

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