Gross Movie Reviews #357

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Gross Movie Reviews #357

 

By Tim Gross

 

Tombs of the Blind Dead (DVD) – It took me long enough to get around to watching these Spanish zombie flicks but it may have been for good reason as I watch and review all four… and it wasn’t that much fun. But in 1972 filmmaker Amando de Ossorio made a classic in some horror movie fans eyes about ancient knights in that were excommunicated by the church for being warlocks. Apparently hundreds of years these knights were into satanic rituals, cannibalism, etc. Well of course since then the village has been abandoned and no one likes to talk about how villagers went in there fucked all these knights up but the knights believed in immortality. Now people just stay away from the place on principal until a woman decides she jumps off a train and visits the place because she hates her boyfriend. Bells ring, the dead knights rise, death occurs. It also helps apparently when women are being raped in the cemetery also, but who knew? But why are they called the ‘blind dead’? Because when they were excommunicated they had their eyes burned out before death and now hunt or shamble by sound. And did I mention they may or may not have undead horses to track humans down. Interesting concept but boring at times, but this was one those horror flicks I felt I needed to witness no matter what as I give it 2 stars. The uncut version of the film is 15 minutes longer than the US cut and has some scenes even rearranged than the cut version which actually makes more sense for plot purposes in my opinion.

 

Return of the Blind Dead (DVD) – In 1973, Amando was at it again with the sequel that was named “Return of the Evil Dead” in the US and “Mark of the Devil 5” later on in some other countries. The uncut version runs five minutes longer but again the story stays the same about a legend of excommunicated knights that were murderous warlocks and had their eyes burned out. This time a small village nearby celebrates this so-called victory for many years until the dead knights are pissed and come back to slowly stalk the crowd and tear them to shreds. Like my good friend ‘Out of Print Dan’ said, “A remake of the first film just same result”. If it was possible this film maybe was a little more boring but still give it 2 stars.

 

The Ghost Galleon (DVD) – This time around in the third entry Amando thought they would spice up the story line with a legend of a ghost ship of the blind dead at sea. During a PR stunt for a modeling agency two models acting like their boat sucks come across the ghost ship and board it. When they disappear the modeling agency goes out to try to save them soon understand the legend is true: the blind dead are slow, kill humans by sound, afraid of fire, and will eventually fuck everyone up land, sea, or whatever! I give it 1 star.

 

Night of the Seagulls (DVD) – Fourth and last in the ‘Blind Dead’ series this time centers around a new couple who move in a small village on the coastline. Of course strange shit goes down at night like everyone dressed in black and tying up their young women to rocks so they can be a sacrifice for ‘The Blind Dead’. But it takes the couple most of the film to even understands they should have left the village even before the first reel got warm. When the couple saves one of the sacrifices, the villagers take off for ‘the blind dead’ to come in do their thing. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

Stung (On Demand) – A young woman is trying to keep her catering business afloat after her father who ran it had died recently. The young woman and her lone employee are hosting a party to hopefully drum up more business? Well the party doesn’t go well when mutated bees are disturbed and begin feasting on the people and in the process mutating again. It’s up to the young lady, her employee, and the mayor played by the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen! Which by the way, Lance suffers a beautiful and gruesome death nears the end of the film. Killer mutant bees, lots of gruesome death, hilarious dialogue between the two leads, I’m all for it as I give this flick 3 stars.

 

The Channeler (VHS/DVD-R) – Add this to my quest of watching some awesomely bad fun horror flicks as another Dan Haggerty horror film is found. This time around some hikers stumble upon evil spirits in the Colorado Mountains where Grizzly Adams happens to live. But one person in the group of hikers actually knows all about the legends of evil spirits, disappearances, etc., and leads her friends into the madness anyway. Botched sex scenes, bad white people fighting, bad special effects, and a Grizzly Adams joke highlight this fun low budget mess that most normal or abnormal people never knew exists. I give the Grizzly Adams horror flick 2 stars.

 

Jurassic World (On Demand) – The newest in the remake/sequel/it’s not a sequel trend of popcorn summer movies brings back the dinosaurs on a rampage at an island. It’s been twenty years and a billionaire understands today’s generation is stupid and wants bigger, better, and instant gratification. So some scientists splice together some dinosaur DNA and poof AMUSEMENT PARK… again! It has a few nods to the original and I could not help myself being entertained by the fun summer action flick. But the real question for horror fans or just for my retarded self is: Where is my “Carnosaur” remake/reboot/newest sequel Mr. Roger Corman… I’m waiting? I give the flick 3 stars.

 

The Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – Apparently the “Rollerblade” movies by Donald Jackson are like Gremlins and multiply just knowing Tim Gross exists and wants to keep finding them to watch for no other reason to make his podcast buddy Kyle Poling moan and groan! The weird storyline of roller-skating oh excuse me, rollerblading nuns continues as Sister Sparrow has been abducted in the “Wheelzone” by a babbling, wheel chaired bound William Smith’s henchmen. A man is sent to the “Wheelzone” to find her and if he does he is promised a thong wearing, rollerblading, non-samurai sword wielding woman! There is no budget but apparently Mr. Jackson spent all his money on or became good friends with William Smith, Rhonda Shear, Karen Black, Frank Stallone, and Joe Estevez. And he was smart enough to use their footage for a must needed sequel of course. The movie can be quite boring and entertaining at the same time when you have Rhonda Shear as a law enforcement officer and William Smith incoherently babbling about skateboarding and samurais. Mr. Donald Jackson you may have died in the early 2000s but rest assured I will make sure people know about your awfulfantastic films! I give it 2 stars.

 

The Return of Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – The sequel which released a year later is mostly retread/flashbacks with maybe 40 minutes of new footage for the film. Here’s the film in a nutshell: topless women dancing to a bongo player, lots of desert dry humping, slow motion fights with two marauders, and Joe Estevez convinces everyone that all people who are on the ‘dark side’ are hotter looking! BRILLIANTLY BORING AND HILARIOUS AT THE SAME TIME. I give this sequel a ½ star. It’s like watching late night public access programming while drunk.

 

Roller Gator (VHS/DVD-R) – This seem to be the jumping off point for Mr. Donald Jackson as he understood digital video is much cheaper than shooting on film for his projects. Especially since most of this movie takes place in one night (filming wise) at a fair where Joe Estevez has lost his talking purple gator. A blonde beach girl stumbles upon the wondrous talking gator and becomes friends. But they soon are on the run from carnival cops and Uncle Chi Chi (Joe Estevez). The film wasn’t all my hopes and dreams that it could have been but it is entertaining to watch Joe Estevez work a crowd, on camera, at a fair, where most of the crowd looks like they don’t care about drunken Martin Sheen?! I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

The Sea Serpent (VHS/DVD-R) – This 1984 Spanish creature feature was (Tombs of the Blind Dead Series) Amando de Ossorio’s last film. The military decides to drop a test atomic bomb into the sea which infects a sea creature with radiation. While this huge creature eats people and plastic models two people who have seen it spend 80% of the film proving it exists. Very cheesy flick and wouldn’t have been surprised if this flick made it onto MSTK3000? But thank you for your work Mr. Amando de Ossorio as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Morituris

Morituris (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has found another off the wall horror film that should have gorehounds drooling over. The beginning of the film has some cool animation at the beginning to give a little back story of what is to come. The film is Italian film with English subtitles about three dudes and two women on a trip to a rave in the middle of the woods. Once alone in the woods the three guys really let their intentions known as they go from charming to torturous, abusive, sexually assaulting bastards. But there is a presence watching from afar at all times just waiting for the right moment. The two women find a way to get away in the dark woods and that is when the presence aka undead roman soldiers begin their hunt of the group. From there it’s just a tale of survival for the abused and the abusers. The film claims to be banned in Italy and fan favorite Sergio Stivaletti does the effects. A brutal and glorious horror film that will have horror movie fans talking about for years to come as I give the Eye-talian flick 3 out of 4 stars. The disc doesn’t really have anything to talk about extra wise but well worth the buy as you can purchase the Blu-ray at www.synapse-films.com .

Killer Rack

Killer Rack (DVD/Vimeo) – The talented Gregory Lamberson’s latest project about a woman (Jessica Zwolak) named Betty. Betty has small boobs and at her work place that just isn’t enough to get the promotion she has always wanted. On top of that her fellow workers make fun of her small chest and her so-called boyfriend never wants to be with Betty and her small boobs. Betty after seeing a weird commercial for plastic surgery, seeing her doctor (Lloyd Kaufmann), and having a nightmare that night about her small boobs she decides it is time for a change. She goes to see doctor/evil scientist/plastic surgeon Dr. Thulu (Debbie Rochon) about her problem. The surgery is a success and Betty cannot wait to show off her new boobs at work. She gets the promotion and respect immediately and goes to her boyfriend who finally wants to have sex. But Betty just wants to cuddle and eventually her boyfriend finds out the hard way the drawback of having a girlfriend with big boobs when his hand is eaten off. Betty doesn’t notice it right away and is not too upset by her boyfriend breaking up with her but every time she sleeps her boobs take her body for a walk so they may feast on unsuspecting horny people who cannot take their eyes off her boobs. I could not stop laughing while watching the movie whether it was the inside jokes (detectives Bartles and James, Evil Dead 2 reference, the pictures on Betty’s wall of her and her boyfriend), Lloyd Kaufmann’s office, or Debbie Rochon’s performance as Dr. Thulu. All those things keep the horror comedy “Killer Rack” going but I believe Jessica Zwolak casted as Betty made this horror comedy work out perfectly. Mr. Lamberson I believe this is the best horror comedy of 2015! Debbie, Lloyd, and Jessica were all awesome for this fun project and I thank Mr. Lamberson for putting it all together as I give the flick 4 out of 4 stars. For more info on the flick or where to see it, go to: www.facebook.com/KillerRack .

 

Lizard Man (DVD) – A somewhat boring flick about a kid who encounters a sea creature/bad rip-off of the Gillman 40 years ago. Now, he is a rich dude and has hired some armed militants to track it down and capture it. This way the billionaire can exploit the creature and prove to people it does exist. I give the independent film 2 stars.

 

Cheerleader Massacre 2 (DVD) – So I let this film sit on my shelf for a while before checking it out just because no one could answer me if this was really the sequel to the 2003 film aka Jim Wynorski’s “Slumber Party Massacre 4” aka “Cheerleader Massacre”. Well I got bored and went to the google machine and did two minutes of research and found out even though there is no connection to these films in theory it is considered a sequel to the 2003 film and was released by New Horizons Pictures. Which means it does have a connection… in theory. So “Slumber Party Massacre 5” slipped under the radar and for good reason. It sucked the life out of me and a good plot for either a SyFy Channel film or the next porn film starring Alexis Texas and Peter North. But moving on it is Cheerleader Camp again and the red and blue teams always go every summer until mini UFOs begin slaughtering one of the teams before they even arrive. Once people at the camp who haven’t been topless yet start disappearing people final worried they may have ripped off Tom Sellick and Gene Simmons 1986 “Runaway” flick when robot spiders start fucking people up. No Brinke Stevens, no driller killer, no flashbacks of all the films to kill time which adds up to this movie being dead on arrival and reason for it slipping under the radar or my bad movie radar in general as I give it 0 stars. Someone get Wynorski or Corman on the phone isn’t it time for a reboot? It’s all the rage these days.

 

Bloodmarsh Krackoon (DVD) – Mutated raccoons eating people in the Bronx and someone makes a Steven Seagal reference of getting a police badge also, I’m in! This independent film gets 3 stars just for understanding the humor in the Bronx accent and Seagal having a police badge!

 

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Cinema Wasteland October 2-4, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.cinemawasteland.com for more details on the convention.

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Gross Movie Reviews #336

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Gross Movie Reviews #336

 

By Tim Gross

 

Elves (VHS/DVD-R) – An off the wall direct-to-video release in 1989 that stars Dan Haggerity aka Grizzly Adams in a plot that involves virgins, Nazi experiments, New World Order, and evil elves! Brilliant until the movie starts rolling along as the film suffers from lack of budget and direction as the film at times seems like there is parts missing but don’t let that scare you from experiencing a great bad holiday horror film. A teenager is pissed at her mom, scared of her German grandpa, and strikes up an odd relationship with Grizzly Adams for all good reason when evil ninjas aka elves begin to spy on her and try to capture her and kill her friends. Looking for that odd holiday horror film to add to your collection? Well “Elves” is it as I give it 2 stars.

Muck

The Muck (Vimeo) – Tony Wash of www.scotchworthy.com has a new short film that is a throwback to 80s slimy monster flicks that will soon be a part of a big project called “World of Death”. A woman comes home from a workout ignoring the water company’s sign about something wrong with the water and goes for a long hot bath but finds something else? I really liked where Mr. Wash went with this concept and think it would be great if he could get the funding to do a feature-length film called “The Muck”. I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Red Christmas

Red Christmas (Vimeo/DVD) – Steve Rudzinski busy as ever has a new independent holiday horror for all to have under their Christmas trees for years to come and it’s called “Red Christmas”. Tara is a cute twenty-something girl that has a certain fetish or taste for killing as it gets her in the Christmas spirit. But that’s not the only thing; Tara knows there will come a day she will be caught so she wants to keep a video diary of why she is a serial killer so it can make her famous and for people to understand her. Steve as usual is creative with no budget, keeps interesting and unsettling with a couple torture scenes (fingernail removal), and made me wondering if I was watching “Necromantik 3” at one point? Steve giving fans something different every time out may have given independent gorehounds a holiday present that will keep on giving for years to come! I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars and can be purchased at www.silverspotlightfilms.com .

Its My Party

It’s My Party and I’ll Die If I Want To (DVD) – Tony Wash’s first project from 2007 was a prelude of things to come as this first time director/writer/producer fresh out of Tom Savini’s school took on a project that deserves more attention than it ever got for what he accomplished! I remember seeing a copy of the film a few years back at a convention but forgot to pick it up. After having a conversation with fellow movie reviewer Mario Dommick I made sure I got a copy to witness the carnage or I should say the greatness this project is… Tony was able to do a beautiful mash-up of my two favorite 80s horror flicks “Night of the Demons” and “Killer Party”. But let’s get to the good stuff, Sara’s birthday is on Halloween and Sara’s friends want to throw her the coolest surprise birthday party that she will remember. And they decide to throw it at Burkitt Manor: a place that just so happens to have a history of murder and hauntings over the past century. After one of Sara’s friends scratches himself on a nail in the attic he soon transforms into something horrifically evil. And by the way the transformation scene is something of beauty, I absolutely loved it! Sara soon arrives to her surprise party and her friends are dying horribly only for her to think it is part of the event at first. Tony Wash did amazing work his first time out and how this project didn’t get him more notice by Hollywood is beyond me??? But if that wasn’t enough the DVD has “adventure mode” where you are able to pick from nine different endings just like the old school “pick your own adventure” books. Think of “Final Destination 3” DVD extras but Mr. Wash did it such a higher level and care. I feel bad I missed it the first time around but glad I came back to it so I could review it. I give the flick 4 out of 4 stars as horror fans this is a must own, a must support, and you must pay attention to upcoming projects from Tony Wash. You can purchase the film at www.scotchworthy.com . Hey Tony, just remember us when you’re famous my friend!

 

The Babadook (On Demand) – Another good horror flick out of Australia that’s a bit of a creepy and scary kid’s tale. A single mom has a boy named Samuel who could be disturbed, autistic, etc., not totally sure but he does not like being separated from his mother. His mother is having a hard time without no husband and dealing with a child that seems to be awake 24/7. One night Samuel brings her a book to read and it’s called, “The Babadook”. After reading a few pages Samuel becomes scared and the mother hides the book. Strange things begin to happen and the book keeps reappearing with new pages and animation of death!  A good scary flick for the mainstream crowd that doesn’t watch many horror flicks as I give it 3 stars.

 

Rec 4: Apocalypse (On Demand) – The successful Spanish zombie/demon/sort of found footage films are supposedly coming to an end with final entry? This time around the film takes place on a boat where apparently Angela the reporter, was taken too after her experience in the apartment house where the viral outbreak took place and is now been burned to the ground. Scientists are doing experiments to come up with a cure or a way to control this virus and must kill any who come in contact with it. All three films get tied into this flick so if you are a fan you will enjoy that and once again “Rec 4” does not disappoint with the crazy gore effects once infected monkey gets loose and Angela and others are trapped. I loved the film and have been a big fan of the series but felt the ending was a letdown and not the ending I was hoping for. But saying that I still give this wonderful foreign horror film 3 stars.

 

Electric Boogaloo: The Wild Untold Story of Cannon Films (DVD/YouTube) – A wonderful documentary about two guys who came to Hollywood and within a decade made Charles Bronson a star again, Chuck Norris what he is today, and many crazy, wacky 80s films that weird film junkies like myself enjoyed.   They went from a joke to be taken serious in a decade and made Hollywood pay attention to them until their debt caught up and the two men had a falling out. Whether we admit or not Cannon Films help shape cinema of today. Dozens of actors, actresses, producers, directors share stories of what went down on sets of many of these films and what it was like working for Cannon Films. This kind of stuff is hilarious to watch and makes you take notes on movies you may have missed over the years as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Zombeavers (On Demand) – I so enjoy when people seem to make movies just for me… and “Zombeavers” is a pleasant idea seen all the way through. A barrel of toxic chemical falls off a dump truck and into a stream where beavers are living. Soon the green shit is all over the beaver’s home and has mutated them to “ZOMBIE BEAVERS”!!! How this hasn’t shown up on SyFy Channel yet I will never know but anyway three college girls are getting away for the weekend to have a drunken girl weekend at a cousin’s cabin. Soon the boyfriends show up to scare the shit out of them but so do the pissed off beavers as they attack couples on sea, on land, where ever the beavers and find flesh to munch on. I give it 3 stars.

 

Housebound (On Demand) – A weird oddity of a horror/comedy to come out of New Zealand about a woman who has been in a host of trouble has been just caught for trying to steal money out an ATM machine. Her lawyer convinces a judge that she can do better if forced to house arrest at home with her mother since she has been in and out of the system for substance abuse and other criminal charges. Once the rules are explained to her by the security officer she begins to hear sounds in the walls and weird things begin to happen but this has gone on for years since her parents bought the house and they both believe they seen something at one point when she was a kid. The film goes from typical haunting PG-13 film to a crazy and hilarious you are not sure what to expect horror film as the security guard gets involved because he is a paranormal expert in his free time. As the girl investigates the house she becomes involved in an unsolved mystery of many years that took place before her parents bought the house. Another great horror film from New Zealand that has a bit of everything that makes it quite entertaining and shows why Hollywood doesn’t have a clue. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

 

Thor: The Dark World (DVD) – A solid sequel to a boring character that Marvel Films has found a way to make interesting or at least entertaining for me. Unlike the Captain America sequel you do not feel like this film is keeping you in a holding pattern for the “Avengers” sequel. The film explores more of the Thor mythology as Thor must rely on his evil brother Loki to not only save Asgard but Earth as an ancient enemy has reappeared when Jane Foster mistakenly finds a power source that awakens evil elves. As Marvel keeps them coming I will keep watching as I give this sequel 2 ½ stars.

 

Tusk (DVD) – To be honest I did not know what to expect from this Kevin Smith film as a) it’s a horror film and b) critics have destroyed this film publicly from the start but that isn’t any different from anything else Kevin has set out and done. Two podcasters played by Justin Long and Haley Joel Osment have a very popular podcast called, “Not See Podcast”. Each week Justin’s character travels to places to look for stupid, strange stories and comes back home to talk about them on the podcast to his partner. Justin travels to Canada to search out a kid who got 30 million hits on YouTube for cutting his leg off with a sword. He finds out the kid killed himself and wants to find another story before he leaves the Great White North. While using the restroom he finds an ad for an old man who has stories to tell. Long’s character goes to visit him and that is where shit gets truly bizarre and if that isn’t enough for you there is a story about a walrus penis! Want more? How about Johnny Depp as Guy Lapointe plays an investigator who has been trying to track down this old dude who just happens to be a serial killer who has a fascination for walruses. It may possibly be the most creative and bizarre film Kevin Smith has ever done or ever will but it had my attention at this oddity all the way. I promise you the viewer that you have never seen a film quite like this… I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

See yinz at Horror Realm March 6-8th, 2015. For details visit www.horrorrealmcon.com .