Gross Movie Reviews #342

By Tim Gross

The Equalizer (DVD) – Denzel’s latest effort just happens to be a reboot of a cool 80s TV show. Now with that being said if it wasn’t based on the TV show or under a different title I believe a lot of people would have a different opinion on this dramatic action flick. Denzel is just an older dude that happens to work at the bootleg Lowes or Home Depot (take your pick) and helps out his fellow employees and lives alone. He also goes to the same diner in the middle of the night to read and talk to a young prostitute about the weather, his books, and the pie at the diner. One night the young woman gets into a scuffle with her Russian pimp and Denzel’s character takes offense. What does he do he goes into the Russian pimp’s territory and fucks everybody up in less than 25 seconds. From there the war is on as a hitman/clean up man/one bad ass dude comes into town to clear things up and find out about this character that just killed five guys without anybody seeing him. We are talking some awesome and radical dramatic action stuff going on here people. Put it simply for me this may have been Denzel Washington’s best film ever! I give it 4 stars.

Deuces Wild (DVD/YouTube) – A film that takes place during the summer of ’58 or otherwise known as “the summer of blood” where two gangs in Brooklyn are out for blood after Norman Redus gets out of jail for a three year stint. It reminds of an updated version of “The Outsiders” and a little “West Side Story” minus the singing. Where the film shows how two gangs bloodlust changes their lives forever. Cool stuff as I give it 3 stars.

Last House on Dead End Street (VHS/DVD) – An independent 70s film which to me at least is nowhere near as interesting as the story or stories of how it came to be. Yeah this film has some die-hard fans that will hate me for saying that but come on the shit that went on years after this film is pretty god damn interesting. Pretty much the film is about a crazy/evil dude gets out of jail and wants to make money making real snuff films. I know you have seen stuff like this before but this is the film that most likely inspired all who have done something since. Especially since the director Roger Watkins aka Victor Janos for the film didn’t even claim making the film until the year 2000. He claimed they made the film in 1972 and somehow 1977 it was unleashed onto the exploitation community where several film goers for years claimed the film to be real?! Really interesting stories behind this flick but for the most part Watkins made a fake snuff film for about $1500 and it’s pretty fucked up so prepare yourself if you never have witnessed the carnage. The film is a little boring and bizarre in parts but will blow your mind when Mrs. Palmer’s legs are being hacked off among other torture. I give it 2 stars as a movie 4 star quality for the legend and many stories behind the making of the film, people who wouldn’t claim it, and the lawsuits.

The Clown Murders (VHS/DVD) – I stumbled upon another 1970s film is more thriller than horror, more rich people with rich people problems, and it stars John Candy! Four friends plot to kidnap a friend’s rich wife during a Halloween party only to fuck with their friend they are jealous of. But of course when it all gets down: one dude wants to rape her, another thinks they went too far, and the other two just fights about what should happen next. Like I said rich people with rich people problems which usually equals borefest as I give it 2 stars.

Zombie Toxin (VHS) – A completely random, retarded, and chaotic zombie film made in the UK on the cheap… very cheap. Somehow this Tom J. Moose flick has the tagline: ‘Monty Python meets Dawn of the Dead”. I am going to go out on a limb and disagree with this statement but that didn’t stop Mr. Moose in 1998 making a flick where a scientist and his assistant unleash a zombie toxin in the water supply. Which helps jolly old England countryside turn into a zombie apocalypse that just so happens to have a bootleg Hitler looking for the formula. It’s fun for the first 15 minutes but soon turns into a chore just to finish watching the flick. I give it a ½ star.

The Room (DVD) – Described on the DVD box as “a quirky black comedy”. It’s been a few days and I am still waiting for the comedy. Or is the comedy when the lead character Johnny kills himself. Damn! I just gave away the movie and for good reason as I try to save you from this bad movie. Hell it wasn’t even that good of an episode of “Red Shoe Diaries” as I believe lead actress Juliette Danielle (Lisa) gets her beaver obliterated three times over in the first 15 minutes of the film and seems to be up for more, including showing her beauties at a drop of the hat when Johnny’s best friend stops by. Again even after all the nudity I still fail to see the comedy. Don’t try and explain this film to me because I don’t care and it’s all Bootleg Tim Gross’s fault that I watched it as I give it 0 stars.

Jug face (DVD) – Apparently Mountain rednecks believe in this dirty water hole they call “The Pit”. They pray to it, they sacrifice to it, they totally believe in it. Until the crazy family member makes a jug face of a young girl who is pregnant and doesn’t want to die. Never mind she got knocked up by her brother! But anyway she hides the jug face and other people around begin to die horribly until she tells the truth and end of the movie… literally! I give it 0 stars and still question why I watched it?

Valley of the Sasquatch (Vimeo/DVD) – This is the third film I have had the pleasure of checking out from writer/producer/director/all around talented filmmaker dude John Portanova. And ‘Valley’ does not disappoint folks as The October People crew as usual put together a film that relies a lot on storytelling which can be rare these days but when needed will get the bucket of blood out. A father and son head out to an old family cabin as they have fallen on real bad times. Mike believes slightly this may be a chance for his father Roger and him to reconnect but soon finds out his father has other plans for the weekend and the rest of Mike’s life. Soon Roger’s party weekend comes to a screeching stop when a possible Sasquatch or Squatches attack the hunting party. Things quickly get out of hand and Mike is unsure of how to rescue his father let alone surviving the night. Great story telling and an awesome Sasquatch costume makes this a must see in 2015 as I give Portanova and The October People crew’s flick 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the flick at www.theoctoberpeople.net .

The Lashman (YouTube/DVD) – Another independent effort from filmmaker Cameron McCasland puts together two things I like in a film: the 80s and a slasherfest. Mr. McCasland does a wonderful job of giving “The Lashman” a 80s feel with the clothes and vehicles and even characters. He also gives it that ghost story in the middle of the movie that explains the unstoppable killer trying to kill off a group of friends on a weekend of fun. But the weekend of fun, drinking, and swimming comes to an end when The Lashman is loose in the Kentuckian countryside again. The low budget effort suffers from pacing issues but the passion of making it an old school 80s flick goes a long way for me when watching movies and for that I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. For more details on the fun horror flashback film go to: https://www.facebook.com/lashmanmovie .

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Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

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See yinz at Horror Realm March 6-8^th, 2015 as you will find me in the “Out of Print Film Room” presented by Gross Movie Reviews. For details visit www.horrorrealmcon.com .

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