Tag Archives: Michael Ironside

Gross Movie Reviews #625

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Joe Bob Briggs Presents: The Sleaziest Movies in the World “Suburban Roulette” (DVD-R/YouTube) – Back in the 80s as Joe Bob was hosting The Movie Channel show he was trying to get some unknown drive-in gems out there in the video store world for movie nuts to find. This was one of them as he does an intro and outro for a H.G. Lewis flick from 1967 that is about wife swapping and swinging. A bit risky for the times but when you watch the film you see how the master H. G. Lewis was able to get this out there as the movie comes off as an educational film about what could go wrong if you get into the “swinger crowd”? The movie isn’t great by any means but a fun piece of cinema history worth one watch if you are any kind of H.G. Lewis fan as I give it 2 stars.

Night Work (Blu-ray) – First time Indy filmmaker Kyle Rayburn directs, writes, and produces this 2019 project about a man named Frank who is a demon/monster hunter or “Nightman”. The days of being young, dumb, and full of … are long behind Frank as he is pulled out of retirement when learning his daughter Elizabeth is alive. Frank must get back into demon fighting mode again with his partner as he goes down a weird road in order to be with his presumed dead daughter again. The film is unconventional but has a certain charm and flare to it with an unknown cast that make their characters their own and believable. This is an oddly entertaining and well shot first feature that is worth giving a chance if yinz are looking for something different in the Indy horror genre as I give it 2 out of 4 stars.

Satanic Soccer Mom from Ohio (Blu-ray) – For his second feature Kyle Rayburn brings together an all-star cast of talented people and an absolutely wonderful title that just delighted me especially when it opens with a quote from ‘The X-files’. Annie is a mom whose husband Jack disappeared two years ago and just trying to do her best in raising her kids. Annie doesn’t exactly fit in with the Karens but her best friend does the best she can of being the go-between. Annie and the best friend make a mistake of going to the ‘Karens’ craft party/demonic conjuring where Annie gets totally trashed after her husband becomes the main subject of the gossip that night. Annie being trashed accidentally bleeds on her craft that causes her to conjure a demonic ride-share driver Todd. Todd explains he will grant three wishes for Annie but in the end she will have to pay with her soul no matter what the consequences are? But never rule out anything when the board game “Candy Land” is involved. This Indy horror/comedy proves Kyle Rayburn knows how to put together a talented cast with no money and give one hell of an entertaining flick as I give this feature 3 out of 4 stars.

Freddy’s Fridays (On Demand) – A new UK horror flick about an evil sleazy dude who lures women to his basement to be slaughtered by monsters who just happen to resemble the ‘Five Nights at Freddy’s’ things. Apparently there is some weird thing about you have to sacrifice eight souls only on Fridays in order to satisfy the monsters needs. Or what I like to call throw shit against the wall for a horror flick and see if some weirdo (me) watches it? I give it 1 star and don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Subway (Tubi) – A super weird mid-80s French film where a weird, blonde, coked up looking Highlander named Fred spends the whole movie chasing after a woman who doesn’t want to be in a loveless marriage to her rich husband. Just to make even more no sense Fred lives in the subway system of Paris with his roller skating friend where they are trying to get a band they support a gig. Just fucking weird 80s shit I give 2 stars too.

Highlander 2: The Quickening aka Renegade Version (Tubi) – Been way too long since I have reviewed this sequel as I am a fan of the original film. But in order to even begin talking about the sequel in case you are not old like me this film was legendary plagued with production issues it ran into during and after. For many years it was considered one of the worse if not the worst films ever made as footage was added to the movie after its disaster of a theatrical run just trying to make sense of the non-sense for fans. So you got some time to kill go down this rabbit hole to read up on the issues as I believe since there have been so many bad movies this one may have been lost in the shuffle or even forgotten? Anyway it is the year 2024 and twenty-five years have gone by since the Highlander was one of the inventors of a shield to protect the Earth as the ozone layer was months away from disappearing. Connor MacLeod has finally aged and accepted his fate of death soon until bad ass alien highlander Michael Ironside sends a couple of cronies to his dimension of Earth. (Oh yeah, apparently the Highlander is an alien… Wait, WTF? Yes, exactly.) Since this evil menace decided to track down Connor he regains his youth and immortality, yells for Sean Connery, and game on to behead people! When Connor isn’t doing that he gets to bang Virginia Madsen and she convinces him the ozone has repaired itself so she needs help bringing down the shield. It is a mess for sure but is it: Jaws the Revenge, Battlefield Earth, Howard the Duck, House of the Dead, Speed 2, The Fog (remake) just to throw out a few? So yeah there are tons of bad ones as I just think this is more of a mess or mistake than bad for the mere reason we do get bad ass Michael Ironside just having fun the whole picture as I give it 1 star.

I’m Dreaming of a White Doomsday (Blu-ray) – It took me awhile of watching this Indy flick as its a few years old but believe me it will still pack a wallop. The beginning dream sequence is a wonderful and bleak intro to setting up the difficult tone of this post-apocalyptic holiday film that just immediately sucks you in. Kelly and her son Riley are living in a bomb shelter where dad has ventured out into the new cruel desolate and damaged world with possibly no return. One day Kelly ventures out herself just to see if there is any sign of things getting better outside of the shelter? Her findings force her into making a decision about herself and Riley since the end of the world is quickly closing in on them. Without spoiling too much the film is brilliantly shot giving an absolute gloomy, depressing, and utter no hope feel and look. Writer/director Mike Lombardo does a perfect job of not just giving us a terrible new world but giving us an absolutely beautiful unHollywood ending that made me giddy as I give the film 4 out of 4 stars.

Here Today, Gone Tomorrow (YouTube) – Another deep dive of a short film into Philip Brocklehurst’s mind showing the art of life and how quickly it goes. I always respect what this filmmaker puts out there which always excites me he may one day have a feature out there as I give the short 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Murder in Black Satin (Blu-ray) – Elbert Smith and Matt Parmenter of Witch Doctor Films are back at it again as they give something Indy film wise different each time out which of course will always make me take notice. This time was no different as we get a gritty old school serial killer film about the “Soulless Slasher”. A worn out down and dirty detective is called into the investigation of the Soulless Slasher which leads him to find out the killer has a fetish for the hearts of his murder victims. Moe must keep himself together long enough to follow the leads wherever they may take him as Moe fights his past in order to do what his peers cannot. The serial killer film understand its story content and doesn’t overstay its running time as Witch Doctor Films gives another solid effort as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Natty Knocks (DVD) – October 1976 the film begins with a woman being called a witch then dragged to a barn and burned alive as her son watches. Now October 2023 in the same small town a girl goes missing but a couple of teenagers believe they witnessed her in an abandoned home getting beat up. In comes the odd urban Halloween legend of the town, a babysitter trying to protect two kids she was hired to look after, and a killer who is obsessed with watching old horror movies in the abandoned home and apparently you get a Halloween horror film. Overall there is just a weird dynamic to the whole film as the babysitter looks literally one year older than one of the two kids she looks after. Then another part of this dynamic is the whole witch, possible possession, and local scream queen weird thing. I don’t know… good cast, not a terrible movie, but feels thrown together in some ways if that makes sense as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #608

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The Amityville Curse (Tubi) – Well kids filmmaker Eric Tessier decided to throw his hat into the ‘Amityville’ ring with entry #51 that became a TUBI exclusive. This film into the never ending franchise has a group of friends moving in together in the legendary haunted house with plans to fix and flip (interesting?). Of course it doesn’t take long for weird shit to begin happening in the house and the group of friends begin to die. They thought the ‘murder house’ thing was overblown but oh they were wrong after the first of them die and the internet freaks come to cash in on the legend? We get a séance, suicide, a priest, and even possession. The film does its best to keep it serious and connect to the original all the way to the bad ending. Now you can take that for what’s it worth as this is one of the better entries into the series but felt the filmmaker painted himself into a corner with this ending coming just to keep alive a chance of a sequel? We all know there was going to be another but this had something going like “Amityville: The Awakening” but fizzled as I give 2 ½ stars.

Bathtub Shark Attack (Theater) – Only from the brilliant mind of independent filmmaker Maddie Deering could a killer shark movie that takes place at times in a “bathtub” and star Lynn Lowry. Hello… SyFy Channel, Discovery, I think you have your next hire? A bubbly couple down on their luck happen to stumble on an offer of great proportions or let’s say cheap when they find the perfect apartment they can afford. Unbeknownst to the couple this little apartment house is home of a dark secret and few are left to talk about it as the tenants usually check in but never check out. As the longer they stay the more Cindy changes as this causes Chad to get to the bottom of the strange happenings and find out how there is a connection to an evil shark god that likes to feast on people in their tubs! This SOV throwback has everything from wall to wall gore, to Lynn Lowry, to human ritual sacrifices (sort of don’t want to give everything away), to a plumber that refuses to die, to a shark that has a dick?! You may believe you have seen every shark movie but there is no way in hell you could think of any more zanier or entertaining shark movie than Maddie Deering delivers here as I give the film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

She Came from the Woods (Tubi) – Bad ass William Sadler stars and produces this nostalgic slasher that takes places at a summer camp 1987. It is the end of the season for Camp Briarbrook and the young staff as usual as the end of the season fire, drinking and such but this year decide hey lets be stupid and do a bloodletting ritual. This is something to do with an urban myth a decade or two back but learn the hard way this was something that really happened and camp counselors are getting shredded by an evil camp nurse from the past! This has a good pace, good formula, a good amount of blood and feel like horror fans will be in for a treat as the summer kicks along as I give this 3 stars.

Night Monster (DVD) – One those oldies but goodies from 1942 starring Bela Lugosi that I never had the pleasure seeing completely through until now. A crippled rich man summons a group of doctors to his mansion to witness a miracle but of course the doctors believe they are just there for a large donation. With the help of mystic powers the doctors’ witness the miracle and a couple refuse to believe it goes beyond modern medicine while another believes they were summon there for revenge by Mr. Ingston. The doctors one by one the doctors die but who is doing the killing as Mr. Ingston cannot even get him out of bed. A fun little oldie that is great for beginner horror movie fans as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Midnight Screening (DVD) – Supposedly this is an Indy slasher that takes place at a movie theater where employees are getting to watch the latest movie at a midnight screening before the public? But instead is an utter boring piece of trash with an ending that will leave you wanting to forget this movie actual exists. Now seriously: you have the location, a passable or possible likable cast, and this is all you come up with? Need to sleep at night watch this and you’ll be sleeping like a baby in ten minutes as I give it 0 stars.

VampyrZ on a Boat (DVD) – Not sure what in the hell I exactly watched but here goes… apparently there is a scientist on a boat that is researching an unstoppable force locked in the bottom of a vessel, a vampire. This scientist’s goal of course is to find cures for (insert whatever disease here) and figure out how this is possible? The other plotline going here is this old dude (Max) who may or may not been some kind of merc decades ago and now is old and retired getting it on with this young hottie Sara. Vampire gets loose and spreads the infection; Max gets clobbered in the head with a hammer by his friend and then gets stuck in some kind of “Groundhog Day” time loop… maybe? It kept my interest but totally sure what the fuck I watched as I give it 2 stars.

The Black Demon (DVD) – A Mexican shark film that mostly takes place on an oil rig off the coast of Mexico. Paul a rep for Nixon Oil and his family head there for a family vacation and for him to do an inspection on the oil rig to decide if it’s worth saving or decommission it. Instead they come to a dead small Mexican town and a giant shark that may or may not be a mythical god seeking revenge on those who have taken too much from the earth. If you like your shark movies a little mushy and family oriented with lots of floating body parts then you’ll be entertained as I give the shark flick 2 stars.

American Bigfoot (DVD) – Okay what in the shitty Bigfoot fuck did I stumble into as this was one of four Bigfoot movies with the same title but this was the first as it was released in 2015 and then rereleased in 2017. Zach Gilligan has a small town detective? Clint Howard as a complete throw away character? And we have a Bigfoot kid who gets shot by a hunter hunting out of season in Nelsonville and I believe the hunter was the only one that dies by the bad looking bootleg version of something from “Land of the Lost” or an old costume from Ringo Starr’s “Caveman”. Oh did I mention Bigfoot kidnaps a kid? I wish I could say this film was played for laughs but this complete mess wasn’t so stay away because I cannot give this more than 0 stars.

Deathrow Gameshow (DVD) – This is one of those movies that literally if you are over 40 you remember finding this weird over the top horror/comedy gem on Skinamax at 3am? Anyhow a nice special edition has been released in recent years finally as gain resurgence in viewing. The film is based around the most hated TV host ‘Chuck’ who hosts “Live or Die” where prison inmates have a chance to play a game and if they win they go free but usually they don’t. But the bright side is they can win cash and prizes for their families before they check out of life. On a daily basis Chuck is threaten until one day he its different a hitman comes looking for him after an incident concerning a mob boss on the Gameshow. Hijinks follows, the hitman’s mother gets blown up on the show and now Chuck wants out because he has found love. Honestly there is no true way to describe this gem from the video days than other it entertain the shit out of us when we found it late that night after the latest entry in the “Emmanuelle” series as I give it 3 stars.

McBain (Blu-ray) – For me at least this was a lost film from James Glickenhaus who did one of my favorite gritty flicks “The Exterminator”! I literally never heard of this or knew it existed but apparently Glickenhaus made another Vietnam vet getting revenge flick in 1991 that had an all-star cast that included Christopher Walken and Maria Conchita Alonso as the headliners. This bad ass film begins in South Vietnam 1973, the war is over and Santos and his army buddies are on their way home. They spot possible camp for POWs and decide they will regret it if they don’t do something. After an intense invasion they meet McBain who was a prisoner which sets the tone for the rest of the flick. 18 years later in Columbia Santos trying to help the people of Columbia to overtake a ruthless drug lord/dictator who has ruined the people and the country’s reputation but fails as he is shot on live TV. Santos sister seeks the help of McBain who gets the band back together so these army buddies can fly in, invade, and help the people of Columbia. It has a little of everything in this film including emotion which you don’t always see in these types of action films from the early 90s. The film looks crisp and clean as usual from Synapse, has a new surround sound track for the film, original trailer, and a great commentary from Glickenhaus himself and film historian Chris Poggali. A wonderful action film surprise for me and I am sure some others out there that will want to purchase this at www.synapse-films.com as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. But I was left with one question about the film: I felt like the Christopher Walken part was written for Robert Ginty? But hey that might just be me being a nerd for “The Exterminator”.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #607

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Oops! You’re a Vampire (DVD) – Here comes something of a little different for the Indy vampire genre from writer/director Phil Messerer who is a vet in independent filmmaking. The film has some great musical touches and sets the tone quickly with its quirky feels of a late 90s/early 2000s SOV flick. The creative vampire film introduces the viewer to a young lady Lara who is gives us a fun look at family and how they are killing her slowly along with living in sleepy Sugarloaf, New York. But things change after one evening where Lara is introduced to a book (Illustrated Book of Vampires) and performs a ritual on her twin sister Helen in hopes of getting “the anal acne curse”. Helen next day dies of an extreme nose bleed! But the dead don’t stay dead especially when they are a vampire and thirst for blood after death. This is where the weirdness begins with Lara’s brother researching what happen with Helen, Lara panicking that her sister is still haunting her life from the grave, and mom just trying to keep the family together you will enjoy along with a little dry humor that also gives a little extra life to a genre that has seen way too many bad creations over the years. I like the running time, the set-up, some of the background visuals at the beginning, but if there is a flaw I would have liked the sound to be better? Anyway any casual independent film fan needs to do them a favor and get ahold of this entertaining flick as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. You can check out the film here:  https://www.amazon.com/gp/video/detail/B0B6RYPSQT/ref=atv_dp_share_cu_r

Tales of the Third Dimension (YouTube) – A long out of print anthology from 1984 that took me a few minutes of watching before knowing that I had seen it I believe when I was 10 or 11 years old. We got a skeleton puppet as the narrator and wraparound telling jokes and setting up each story as we get three stories. The first is a vampire couple who are looking to adopt a child and get the “problem child”. Second story is set in the past a bit where two guys Charlie and Freddy get greedy and go grave robbing for riches. The third story is weird and hilarious as the grandkids are left with Grandma for Christmas week and she attempts to kill the kids but fails when Santa shows up to save the day. The anthology has its flaws but still a lot of fun and surprised there hasn’t been a special edition of this anthology out there yet as I give it 3 stars.

What Waits Below (DVD) – A 1985 adventure film that stars Lisa Blount from ‘Prince of Darkness’ fame where the army has lost its transmitter in a remote place of the world where a cave is the entrance for a whole other world. An Army consultant and some scientists find this cave and go exploring for the transmitter only to find another race of humanoids living deep in the caves who stole the transmitter. Starts off interesting but putters out quickly and the humanoids fail to have that ‘wow’ factor keeping me interesting as I have to give this film only 2 stars.

Fear Pharm (DVD) – Four young people head to the local family-owned corn maze on Halloween that has stories about an unfortunate cult-like incident 15 years ago that no one can really prove or disprove. Melanie, one of the four in the group happens to be the “10,000 person” to come through the gate and gets the chance to go through the “VIP maze”. The group makes it through in so much time they win $10,000! But is it too good to be true, the kids don’t care as it will be fun getting scared and possibly winning a whole lot of cash. Problem is the group doesn’t know if they don’t make it through they will die. Without giving too much away because I consider this film to be “the little horror film that could”. But the filmmaker and crew made great use of location, great camera work at times, and kept the story lean and fresh. This movie has no business being as good as it actually is? They took a generic horror formula that has been used several times in recent years and gave it substance! One of my favorite parts of the film is a character getting his arm cut off and his reaction to it was simple but effective. This is the type of film for horror fans that is a gem that gets talked about well after its release when it hits a streaming platform like Shudder and Tubi and makes you wonder how this didn’t get a bigger release? Anyway I say fucking enjoy kids as this was a huge surprise and have to give it 3 ½ stars.

Evil Dead Rise (On Demand) – So I waited for the lunacy to die out a bit before I tackled watching this film just like I did with the remake. Now to explain myself: don’t get me wrong I am a huge ‘Evil Dead’ fan like a lot of people but felt it was done after we got ‘Evil Dead vs. Ash’ TV series. I thought that chapter of Bruce, Sam, and Robert was over. On top of that the trailers for this film reminded me of ‘REC’ way too much. So take this however you but it’s a bit of a rant and a review? Anyway after an earthquake hole opens up in a parking garage of an apartment building that unearths an opening into an old vault below. This kid crawls down and of course finds the “book of the dead” and some albums to go with it. As soon as he plays them some Evil Dead shit happens and you have your movie. Is it bad… no. Is it memorable… no. Again just like the remake the lunatics lost their mind but once that dies out as it will just like before it is hard if not impossible to come close to what the originals did. Don’t get me wrong I am glad somebody is trying something with the series to give a new generation of horror fans a fun movie but please do not compare to what was already done because this is just a wannabe of what could have been done? No matter what hopefully this inspires the series to take off in another direction as I can only give this film 2 stars as I should of just stuck with ‘meh’ as my review.

Destiny to Order (VHS/YouTube) – Leave it to me to watch another Canadian out of print movie that you really cannot classify in any certain genre especially when you have Michael Ironside playing violin in this 1989 flick I never heard of until now. JD is an author who has just about completed another manuscript when he heads to the roof for a smoke with a friend and talks about life. A storm occurs and his computer has a system error that’s sets events in motion where all his characters from his books come to life and he is now living the story. Problem is his bad guy of the story has stolen the main disk and now wants rewrites and figures out he is now the author. The film is sloppy and weird but does have Michael Ironside and that will always make it worth a watch as I give the film 2 stars.

Scream (On Demand) – For those counting while reading this that is number five which after the last entry about a decade or so ago I thought that shit was done. But you know me and sequels so it was time to give this horror franchise a chance again and see what I was getting into? Personally I believed they told all they could through the third film and the fourth felt way too much like cash on nostalgia that just didn’t go over well at all. So it has been 25 years since the original events in Woodsboro and this sequel goes through the motions of capturing that and reintroducing old surviving characters. But unlike that last sequel this had a much different feel and introduces two sisters (Sam and Tara) who are the new main focus and likable characters. Again without giving too much away this film felt like the original three and the right respect of how to allow the new characters have fun and bring horror fans back in the fold of the movie within the movie as I give the film 3 stars.

Scream 6 (On Demand) – Another sequel was quickly pooped out into existence but yet again expanded the ‘Scream/Stab universe’ as this follows some of the things they did with part two as the cast points it out throughout this film. Now the sisters are living in New York dealing with the fallout differently of being part of the Ghost face legacy. Sam is looking after Tara because she wants to protect her at all costs but just like Gale and Sid explained the first time around “you are now a part of this”. Once again they use the Billy Loomis character from the first film as a plot point and filmmaker gave this movie a more of a violent revenge plot of sorts as I give the film 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #485

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Gross Movie Reviews #485

 

Sexsquatch (DVD) – Let’s be upfront I am not the biggest fan of Chris Seaver but if you are independent horror fan you have to admit there is a film he made you liked and disliked. Plus Chris has made an impact on the Indy scene during his decade-plus of filmmaking. Going into this film on title alone and not knowing Mr. Seaver was behind it I gotta say thank you to him for making me laugh at this one. A party, “Get Laid Party” is being thrown for Joey the virgin! As the party rages and the girls there are about to decide who will start their decline on young Joey, Stinkfist the Sexsquatch is lurking around the lakeside home. When Stinkfist isn’t pooping in people’s backyards the Sexsquatch rapes people and talks politely to them while doing it. The movie is bad but it is meant to be bad and looks like Chris and friends had fun all the way as I did watching this adventure. I give this hilarious take on the Bigfoot legend 3 out of 4 stars.

Watchers (DVD) – Scrounging through the internet channels you never know what you may find? As I always have my list of ‘hard to find’ movies I was able to track down a viewing of the Region 2 disc of 1988’s ‘Watchers” starring Corey Haim and Michael Ironside. You could always be stupid and pay ridiculous amount of money on eBay or Amazon for the out-of-print DVDs or take five minutes and Google that shit folks. This Region 2 disc claims to be unrated version but rewatching this film I do not believe there is anything special? For yinz kids that don’t know after the Stephen King catalog was being adapted to the big screen every two minutes during the 80s Roger Corman and some others decided to seek out other popular authors. Dean Koontz was one of them as he had a few movie adaptions but like King most of them lacked the horror that was supposed to be in them. Anyway I was a fan of a couple of Koontz books and thought it was time to revisit this one to see if it got any better with age? But also too have thought if there was a movie that actually did a remake it would be this film. The plot of the film and book is about a military experiment where a golden retriever and a weird Bigfoot-like creature were linked together. It was supposed to be the future in military weaponry! Where ever the dog went, the creature went and eliminated the people the dog interacted with. Well with a fire at the Oxcom Corporation the dog and creature escape into the woods. Agent Johnson (Michael Ironside) is brought in to capture both by any means needed. Between Agent Johnson enjoying ripping eyeballs out and before 90210 Jason Priestly showing up the dog finds Cory Haim and they strike up a relationship. Once the authorities and Johnson come sniffing around and the bodies begin piling up Haim, mum, and the dog go on the run. Again enjoyed the book and again I was a fan of Haim and Michael Ironside but this movie still falls flat today. I give it 2 stars.

 

The Furies (On Demand) – Another recent Aussie horror flick getting a little press here in the states is about a woman named Kayla who is kidnapped and left in the woods. She quickly finds out she isn’t alone and there is a border she cannot cross without being in agony. But what makes this film a little different from the rest is for every young lady out there in the woods there is a weird masked killer who is trying to kill the women. But keep in mind the killer is trying to protect their babe so their head doesn’t explode. Kayla becomes an interesting character as her character blacks out from time to time because of epilepsy and not having her pills to prevent it. This leads a couple of the women she meets up with to believe it is on purpose or she is also a killer? Also I forgot to mention Kayla figures out the people behind the kidnapping and weird game have an implant behind her eyeball. The ending was a little predictable but if you are looking for just a super gory flick where you can cheer for people to die then you found your title as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Haunting of the Winchester House (DVD) – A family of three has moved into the Winchester mansion as caretakers for the home. But immediately moving in weird shit begins to happen and a man who happens to be a paranormal expert just happens to show up and help if needed. As stuff keeps happening the family turns to the local paranormal expert Harrison Dent to resolve the issue. In the end none of it will matter as you will learn as I did ghosts are racist… or at least according to this movie as I give it 2 stars.

Watchers 2 (YouTube) – The sequel which was released two years later in 1990 stars Marc Singer who hangs out with the dog this time around and they seek out the extremely hot scientist Tracy Scroggins. This film just ignores the first film and does its own reboot thing as the project involving AE-73 and AE-74 is terminated at Anodyne. Which of course pissed off the lead scientist allows animal activists to come in and release the animals as he wants to continue the experiment with the dog and creature. A lot of boring shit goes down that includes Marc Singer and the dog ordering pizza and the government wanting everything back. Again another misstep by Corman and crew bringing this book to the big screen as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Watchers 3 (VHS) – So four more years pass and Corman decides okay crew: we got no money, stock footage of part two, and Wings Hauser now go make this work. What we get is bootleg creature I believe they stole from “The Fly 2” as the creature and drop it, the dog, and Wings Hauser in Thailand sorry (cough, cough) Central America to do a bare bones “Predator” flick. Wings Hauser is military prisoners who with four others is sent to Central America to clean up loose ends but are actually part of the experiment to see if it actually works before the U.S. military put into action on a regular basis. I love me some Wings Hauser like everyone else but again another misstep but at least it has something to do with the last movie as I give this 1 ½ stars.

 

Thir13en Ghosts (DVD) – The 2001 remake of the 1960 William Castle film tries to do a lot updates but for some reason this was one horror film I could not get behind. Giving this a try again as Monk and family inherit a giant weird house when his forgotten rich uncle dies. They believe all their financial woes are over but of course it is too good to be true as Shaggy from the “Scream” movie comes to warn them of the dangerous ghosts that live in the house as he help capture them. Locked in and doors opening for the ghosts to move about the family must survive and figure out how to stop the machine their crazy ass uncle put in the middle of the home that may just open a gate to hell? Some cool looking make-up FX but still not a fan of the flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

The Ranger (DVD/Shudder) – As usual I let this one simmer as a couple of folks completely lost their mind claiming best horror film of 2018/2019. As a little girl Chelsea was helped by a forest ranger now a young adult and running with some punks she calls friends they head to her dead uncle’s cabin. One to face her past but two her punk boyfriend just killed a cop so she wouldn’t get busted with his drugs. Struggling with her friends at the cabin soon becomes a lesser thing when the forest ranger she knew is a crazy serial killer who protects his mountain. Anybody that disobeys the national park rules they must be dealt punishment. A couple cool kills in the flick but nothing to flashy here horror wise as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Gross Movie Reviews #398

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Gross Movie Reviews #398

 

Deadly Instincts (DVD) – In the U.S. this 90s flick is known as ‘Breeders’. Almost everywhere else it is known as ‘Deadly Instincts’. Believe me when you see the video box or poster you most likely walked past this flick at some point in time at a video store. A U.F.O. happens to crash land at an all-girls college, hooray for us horndogs! There is a creature inside with an alien woman also scurrying about. The creature is there to stalk beautiful women down to see who can be a suitable host for its offspring. The bodies begin piling up and no one is listening to the teacher who’s banging his favorite student. Eventually the authorities find the secret tunnels under the college and begin to investigate but are no match for the creature! We have bootleg Pumpkinhead, bootleg Julie Strain, it’s from the U.K., I am in every time as I give the 90s flick 2 ½ stars.

 

The Lego Batman Movie (Theater) – We all can argue to our deaths that DC universe has fucked up a lot shit. But when it comes to “Lego Batman” they do not fuck around and take a cue from the first ‘Lego Movie’ and run with it. The film is based around Batman being awesome and the ultimate hero of course, but with Commissioner Gordon retiring and Gotham not needing Batman any longer he is lonely. But Batman has always been a loner? With the Joker in the asylum cooking up his next plan Batman comes face to face with why his life is incomplete. In a series of events of sending the Joker to the “Phantom Zone”, Joker is able to hatch his latest ultimate plan in hopes of Batman understanding he needs to hate the Joker. Batman soon understands he needs family to conquer evil. Great story and Batman fans will not be disappointed as filmmakers find a way to incorporate every incarnation of Batman and his movies throughout the film. More than likely this will be one of the best movies you watch in 2017 as I give it 4 stars.

 

Superbeast (DVD) – An early 70s flick about a woman doctor who goes to the jungles of the Philippines to investigate a strange happening. Back in the states she is called in to do an autopsy on a man or thing that terrorized a plane on its way from the Philippines. Instead of discovering something great in evolution she discovers bootleg Dr. Moreau whose mistakes are hunted for sport by a rich dude. Somewhat boring but does have a good ending as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

House 4: Repossession (DVD) – Before you even ask I do not think any of the ‘House’ movies have anything to do with each other including part 4 that happens to star William Katt. For those who might not know Mr. Katt starred in the 80s classic original that also co-starred Richard Moll and George Wendt where his old dead army buddy kidnaps his kid. This sequel does not even come close to being that good. I also believe this movie was under a different title but somebody thought they could cash in on the title ‘House’ when William Katt was in it and they were wrong. This flick has William Katt (Roger) inherit his father’s old house. Apparently his grandfather made a blood oath and the house must stay in Roger’s family. When a tragic accident takes Roger’s life, his wife and daughter movie into the place thinking it’s the right thing to do. Until the half-brother keeps pushing for them to sell the house and strange things keep happening (a pizza that sings then gets stab to explode all over the lead actress). I give the film 1 star and still wondering if it was a true sequel where is Brion James and Lance Henriksen and shouldn’t it be called ‘The Horror Show 2’?

 

The Night Shift (Vimeo/DVD) – One of my favorite and hardest working filmmakers Massimiliano Cerchi (say that five times fast in a Pittsburgh/yinzer accent) is back with his latest film that centers around Frank the security guard. Frank has just scored the ultimate cushy guard duty job of working overnight to watch a mansion for some rich dude. Only catch don’t fall asleep? Frank gets bored quickly but is unsure of how this is an easy deal even with Frank’s boss explaining it’s an easy deal and don’t fall asleep. Frank still unsure of the big mysterious home finds himself dozing off to sleep and being awakened by strange things. The strange things are demons fucking with Frank and clearly the best part of the film. The plot of the film is solid if it was a half hour or so? But its longer running time especially without really introducing the demons sooner may bore some viewers. Now the film only runs 65 minutes but the demons are that fucking awesome they deserved more screen time. The demons are the allure of watching this film and I would give this film a more favorable review if I got more of those bad ass creepy demons. The demons are the stars of this story and felt they needed to be fleshed out more? Hell, if they were in it more maybe this could be marketed as ‘Demons 7’ and found a way for Caroline Munro to make a cameo. I just feel when you have such cool looking and possibly interesting creatures/demons you should build the film around them not the other way around… Anyway I still got mad respect for Mr. Cerchi as a filmmaker because I have no doubt he is working on something better as I give this project 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

The Dead of Night (DVD) – Some high school students party at the cemetery all the time. So when the popular students invite the geeks to their little party site you know nothing good is going to come of it. The prank goes wrong when the two geeks are attacked by a creature that changes them and now they want to take over other students. Not a really exciting 1 star horror movie.

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Never Too Young to Die (YouTube) – Finally this mid-80s gem will find its way onto Blu-ray and all will be right with the world as I spent most of the 90s looking for this flick. The most random action thriller that stars a young John Stamos as Stargrove, a cross-dressing villain named Ragnar played by Gene Simmons, Vanity as a secret agent, and Robert Englund for five minutes as a sadistic mad computer bomber! It played a few times on HBO in the mid-80s and all but disappeared the video stores I frequented and when I explained it (pre-internet) people thought I made it up? Lance Stargrove is a gymnast whose father is a legendary secret government agent who is killed by Ragnar and his fingernail for a program disk that could poison the water supply for a hundred years. When the disk cannot be found Ragnar sits back to allow Lance to find the disk for him. Lance finds out with his father’s death he inherits a farm where Vanity rides horses and random extras from the Mad Max films show up looking to kill for the disk! The movie has at least ten ideas crammed into one film in a good way and may be the best film featuring Gene Simmons. The movie is one big fun random mess that I enjoy still 30 years later as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Stryker (DVD) – I found another post-apocalyptic film from the Philippines that Roger Corman’s production company produced that begins with the phrase “whoever controls the water controls the world.” Everyone is looking for water in the wastelands: midgets, women in shoulder pads, men in S&M gear but a man named Stryker roams the wastelands defending people against evil. When he finds a woman whose colony has an endless supply of water he must help and defend her and her colony from all who will kill for it. I give the flick 1 ½ stars but this is the first of many post-apocalyptic flicks from our buddy who gave us: Equalizer 2000, Future Hunters, Wheels of Fire, and a few others. You can see what he perfected over the series of films go along in the 80s…

 

Ebola Zombies (DVD) – It begins and ends with a bunch of political mumbo jumbo comparing zombies to soulless people of today. An Asian zombie film about a jewelry heist that goes sideways when the thieves find a scientist experimenting with the SARS and Ebola virus. Zombies everywhere and slow motion fight scenes make me wanna puke and have nightmares of the ‘Resident Evil’ sequels. I give it 0 stars.

 

Mom (DVD) – A strange and interesting werewolf film from the early 90s about Nester (Brion James) who happens to infect a news anchor’s mom when renting a room from her. The news anchor scrambles to keep his mother in check as she goes out at night to feed on humans. When her son questions why she does it and answer is, “I’m hungry and it helps my arthritis.” It’s a fun lower budgeted werewolf flick that I wouldn’t be surprised it was made two or three years before its release as it doesn’t fit the time. But the appeal of Brion James and cheesy werewolf effects make this a must watch for us movie nerds as I give it 3 stars.

 

Ice Soldiers (DVD) – Michael Ironside and Dominic Purcell are part of a secret research team looking into the mysterious events in Canadian Artic in 1962 and trying to tap the land for oil. The story goes with everyone paying attention to the Cuban missile crisis in 1962 while three soldiers in Swiss uniforms are found in the artic after a plane crash. They kill all who is there except a woman scientist who is raped. 50 years pass and now a new team is there to possibly find out answers. They get more than they bargain for when the soldiers unfreeze and begin killing again as they have a mission to complete. The film is a really cool B-movie action/thriller surprise you are not expecting if you enjoy these types of films. Plus Michael Ironside… 3 stars, enough said.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Also you can pick up my new book “Gross Movie Reviews: More Sequels, More Massacres, More Beer” at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-more-massacres-more-sequels-and-more-beer/paperback/product-22853681.html

TERROR FILMS SHARES TWO CLIPS FROM ORIGINAL HORROR ANTHOLOGY PATIENT SEVEN

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Los Angeles, CA, October 7th, 2016 – On the heels of its October 11th release, Terror Films is sharing two more clips (“Get the Noose” & “I Wouldn’t Mess with this One Doc”) from their highly anticipated Horror Anthology, PATIENT SEVEN. The film will be available on: YouTube, Vimeo On Demand, Amazon Instant Video, Google Play, Xbox Live, VUDU, Sony PlayStation and iTunes. On iTunes it is available here, for pre-orders:

http://geni.us/patientseven

As well, PATIENT SEVEN is receiving a limited release from Redbox and it will also be released on Amazon Prime, the 24-Hour Movie Channel on Roku and Cable VOD. Release dates on those platforms will be announced at a later date.  

patient-seven-danny-draven-movie-poster

The film features a wrap-around story written by Barry Jay Stitch (The Chosen) and directed by genre veteran Danny Draven (Reel Evil). It intertwines 7 award winning, short films by filmmakers from around the globe that include: Nicholas Peterson, Paul Davis, Ómar Örn Hauksson, Dean Hewison, Erlingur Thoroddsen, Joel Morgan, Johannes Persson and Rasmus Wassberg. The cast includes Amy Smart (Just Friends), Alfie Allen (“Game of Thrones”), and Doug Jones (Crimson Peak), among others.

The wrap-around stars genre favorite, Michael Ironside (Total Recall) as Dr. Marcus, a renowned psychiatrist. His character has selected 6 severely mentally ill and dangerous patients from the Spring Valley Mental Hospital to interview as part of research for his new book. As Dr. Marcus interviews each patient, one by one the horrors they have committed begin to unfold. However, Dr. Marcus soon learns that there is one patient that has been kept from him by the hospital’s administrator – Dr. Vincent played by Jack Plotnick ( Reno 911!: Miami).

“Get the Noose” Clip from a segment directed by Rasmus Wassberg:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BbHcfIodve0

“I Wouldn’t Mess With This One Doc” Clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s90nCkiAEcA

Official Trailer: https://youtu.be/0JQQwa7Wi1U

Official Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/patientsevenfilm/?fref=ts

For more information on Terror Films, go to: http://www.terrorfilms.net/film/patient-seven