Gross Movie Reviews #383

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Gross Movie Reviews #383

 Terror

Terror at London Bridge (VHS/Comet TV) – Oh the days of TV movies of the 70s and 80s where to fill time slots during the summer they would make horrible movies with actors and actresses of popular network show… We have David Hasselhoff (1985) playing a detective in London, Arizona who is investigating odd murders on the London Bridge that has been brought to America brick by brick. But it is missing one from the Jack the Ripper days in the 1880s. The brick is found and sent to London, Arizona to have a celebration of completing the bridge. And now Jack the Ripper is back killing again in this NBC TV movie. The Hoff not enough? How about Stephanie Kramer from ‘Hunter’ TV show or Adrienne Barbaeu or Clu Glugar as The Hoff’s boss? The movie is bad but a very fun bad and nostalgic trip down TV movie memory lane. I also believe the film can be found in full YouTube. I give this masterpiece 2 ½ stars.

 

Unidentified (DVD) – A movie about four work friends heading out to Vegas for a weekend of fun. They take a side trip to a remote town only to be scared away before heading to Vegas to take off on some dude they owed money too. Once out in the desert they get lost and followed by something, aliens in this case. I really wanted to like this film but its shaky-cam and taking way too long building up the four friends makes it annoying. I like when horror flicks give characters some background but this went far above and beyond like it was hiding a weak film? If into these types of films maybe go with ‘Area 51’ or ‘As Far So Below’ as I give this stinker 1 star.

 

Fender Bender (DVD/Chiller Channel) – A serial killer in S&M gear when killing gets victims’ information by getting in fender benders. When he meets a new driver he stalks her in her friends in her house during a weekend that her parents go out of town. The trailers looked so much better than film. It had a great opening but from there its 80 minutes of the weird creepy stalking a teenager which more boring as the film goes on. It makes you think it could have a better short film than feature. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Crawlspace (DVD) – Mid-80s crazy Klaus Kinski who is the son of a Nazi doctor who is also obsessed with death. Oh yes fellow horror fans, this flick is well worth revisiting time and time again as Mr. Kinski’s character only rents out to cute college women. This is mainly because he enjoys stalking them with the old ductwork of the building but also because he is bat shit fucking crazy! A very underrated film from Empire Pictures that us old folk are trying to push upon the new generations of horror fans and for good reason as I give this 3 ½ stars.

 

Cast A Deadly Spell (DVD) – Fred Ward as Phillip Lovecraft, a private dick, set in the 40s where everyone has accepted witchcraft as everyday life except Lovecraft. Well David Warner’s character hires him to find a mythical thingy and bring it back to me in two days or for a special ritual that involves his virgin daughter. Cthulhu, demons, end of the world fun shit. So while Lovecraft finds the mythical thingy he also learns that may be bad to give it to David Warner. Great movie on several fronts: film noir genre, Lovecraft genre, creature genre, it has it all in this HBO production that most horror fans forget. I believe it’s because of the bad sequel that stars Dennis Hopper two years later which killed any chance of a series? But what do I know? Anyway if you are Cthulhu fan this film is well worth your time tracking down as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Johnny Mnemonic (DVD) – Keanu Reeves pretty much right after ‘Speed’ takes on a character where he is carrier of information where it’s uploaded into your skull in this futuristic film. A film that centers on the haves and the have nots. Johnny has uploaded more than he can carry in his mid and wants it out. But his boy Udo Kier has set him up as the information that was uploaded is a cure for the “shakes” or “black plague” I think they refer to once? But with the help of his bodyguard Dina Meyer and her scientist friend Henry Rollins they just might be able to get the information out without killing him. If the information doesn’t then Dolph Lundgren’s character “The Preacher” will! A mid-90s film which I thought was horrible when first released but for an odd reason has actually gotten better with age as I revisit the film every few years. If anything it is better than ‘Hackers’… I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Invisible Invaders (DVD/Theater) – Oh bless Bruce Lentz’s heart for showing this flick to me and a shitload of people. A late 50s film where invisible aliens land on earth and reanimate John Carradine’s corpse to threaten the world. Basically the aliens feel threaten by earthlings since they have developed the atom bomb and want to use it again. Hilarious B-movie action my friends and fun for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.

 

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (On Demand) – People are now threaten that Superman can kill all mankind at any point in time so Batman takes it upon himself to stop Superman himself. We are introduced to Wonder Woman and how the “Justice League” starts. It’s a fun popcorn movie nothing great. But just like the ‘Avengers 2’ and ‘Captain America: Civil War’ films they are filler until bigger things come along movie wise. Ben Affleck was okay, the death of Superman could have been its own flick, and Wonder Woman just like the new/old Spidey earlier this year stole the show. Sorry folks we all just need to calm down at times and just enjoy the escape these films can present as I give this 2 ½ stars.

 

Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (YouTube) – A film that just completely baffles a lot of us why this has not found its way on DVD. But also I remember when it was first made it wasn’t like the movie got released right away too so who knows why this film has issues getting out to us nerds. Anyway its anthology film set up by Jeffrey Combs playing H.P. Lovecraft, set in the 30s, going to visit a weirdo church/library thingy with crazy priests that watch over it. Mr. Lovecraft reads through “The Book of the Dead” not realizing it he is unlocking the Cthulhu. The stories involve a great cast in Bruce Payne, David Warner, Richard Lynch, and the beautiful Maria Ford (awesome actress with a great resume but no Kristy Swanson, Tiffany Shepis, or Kathleen Kinmont). The most intriguing thing of the film is Jeffrey Combs/Lovecraft looks a hell of a lot like ‘Army of Darkness’ Bruce Campbell? (Go to YouTube for the trailer and check out the comments many people agree). Another intriguing aspect of the film is Mr. Combs and Mr. Yunza did not get along on set as Mr. Combs did like how the Lovecraft character was portrayed. Okay film buffs go to Google machines as I go find a beer and give this anthology 2 ½ stars.

 

Atomic Shark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Jeff Fahey stars in a shark film where the shark is radioactive from possible radiation leaking from a sunken Russian sub or just the military testing bombs back in the day. Either way, interesting concept for a B-shark flick that also stars David Faustino as a dude trying to use drones to capture footage of babes on the beach. It’s all up to the wannabe Baywatch bunch and creepy Faustino to try and figure out how to kill a radioactive shark that melts its victims before it even gets to eat them. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Dam Sharks! (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Yep, the moment someone is really reaching for shark movie ideas. But shit, you know I will still watch… at least once! Jason London stars as a bloated rich dude who owns some weirdo computer business that comes up with inventions and decides his workforce needs a retreat weekend. Or at least the ones that survive the downsizing of his company. But they have bigger problems as sharks have infested a river where they were trapped and now become beavers of sorts as they use human victims as the building blocks for their dam. Yes you read that right kids. Damn you SyFy as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Ice Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Somewhere past Greenland in the Arctic Circle the ice is melting faster than researchers believe. So with this happening ancient sharks have appeared that never been seen before and now are breaking through the thin ice fucking people up. Who would have guessed it took this long to make a global warming shark flick where they would be in the Arctic? Now add in a Kurt Russell with a flame thrower this film may have been watchable as I give it 1 star.

 

Planet of the Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Absolutely loved how this one started out as ‘Waterworld’ with sharks on a low budget. But as usual my dreams of being just a crazy cheese ball movie are crushed when they try to give it a lackluster storyline of how the polar ice caps melted and the sharks now feast on humans since there is no fish left. This film really acts like a sequel to ‘Ice Sharks’? Wait… is this like ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ and ‘Cheerleader Massacre aka Slumber Party Massacre 4’ scenario? Shit! No, Michelle Bauer I’m out. When are yinz properly gonna steal ideas from my brain and have ‘Z-Nation’ meet ’12 Monkeys’ meet ‘Farscape’… with sharks? Come on SyFy don’t act like that’s a horrible idea. Nothing was more horrible than destroying this great low budget idea that I watched get crushed slowly into fecal matter aftermath for ‘Sharknado 4’, just sayin. I give the film ½ star, remember I did like the idea but that was before I seen it on film.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Gross Movie Reviews #326

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Gross Movie Reviews #326

 

By Tim Gross

 

Chilling Visions: 5 States of Fear (Chiller Channel/DVD) – Another anthology from the horror channel Chiller that is now trying to not only have its own programming but buying different titles as they grow. First story was “Ego Death” where a man is haunted by a mistake he thought he buried? Second story which I thought was the best one is “Separation” where an old man is being forced from his home by his daughter because he may have memory loss? Great ending… Third story is “Mutilation” where a city couple goes camping on land that is declared a biohazard? It’s gory but you route for the stupid people to have a quick death to move on to the next story. The fourth story is “Extinction” where a young woman comes back from the dead to ask her mother to kill her murderer?  The fifth story is “Loss of Autonomy”. This one wasn’t bad but interesting as a woman who is getting divorced from her husband abuses him after he has a stroke. Anthologies can be tough because it’s hard to keep it going through all the stories so I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Deep in the Darkness (Chiller Channel/DVD) – This is the type of flick that pisses me off because when watching it I really want to like it not wanting the wife to be killed twenty minutes in. But anyway a family moves to a small community where they don’t have cable TV, have a curfew, and just happen to have some cannibalistic creatures hanging out in the woods that eats people who don’t obey the ways of the community. If it is 1976 this movie is relevant, but its 2014 this is not happening people. If it was my movie, wife dies twenty minutes in and my ass goes all “Day of the Dead” on the community and the creatures if I cannot make it out which the town has like one old ass cop… Fuck this flick it can go suck Mothra’s dick! I give it 1 star just because it had Dean Stockwell in it.

CURTAINS_BLUweb

Curtains (Blu-ray) – A long lost early 80s slasher that has been released on DVD in Canada a few years back and seen a horrible rerelease on one of those 6 or 8 packs at Wal-Mart. The film stars John Vernon who is known for his legendary roles in “Animal House” and “Killer Klowns from Outer Space”. John Vernon is a director named Jonathan Stryker who is hard man to work with and has asked six actresses out to his home to audition for a legendary role! The six actresses work hard in the sheets or out of them to get the part of a lifetime. Soon they begin to die in great bloody fashion one by one with a storyline that gives you a little twist at the end that makes you wanna pay attention throughout the slasher film. This relatively unknown but considered a cult classic among some horror fans finally gets a proper release that it has always deserved. I say kudos to Synapse Films to possibly doing the best job ever in not only restoring an older horror film that looks absolutely beautiful on the Blu-ray format but also including some of the most interesting extras I have seen on a disc in quite some time. A true fan of the film will gush over the original behind the scenes footage and the new retrospective on the making of “Curtains”. Synapse Films did things with this film I did not think would be possible so with that horror fans you should not run, but rampage your way to www.synapse-films.com and pick up your copy now! I give 3 out of 4 stars for the film but 4 out of 4 stars for the overall packaging and release Synapse gives to us fans. Don May Jr. and all involved I applaud you.

 

Attack of the Killer Refrigerator (VHS) – Fuck yeah this horrible flick exists and if you are lucky you can watch it in all its horrible glory on YouTube! I give it 2 stars for just existing…

 

Endless Descent (VHS) – With “Leviathan” and “Deep Star Six” released around 1990 it’s no wonder that most horror fans didn’t know this straight-to-video release existed? But with its limited budget this sci-fi horror flick is a very watchable film about a submarine and its crew trying to find answers about another experimental submarine disappearing at the bottom of the ocean? I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Alien 2: Sulla Terra (VHS) – I live to abuse myself with horrible horror flicks as I found this Eye-talian “Alien” rip-off, sort of… Some so called geologists or whatever goes down into some caves only to be stalked by some weird creature that is eating them and times looks like a weird vagina eating people! You go watch this shit if you don’t believe me as I give it 1 star.

 

The Devil’s Rain (DVD) – This TBS Superstation classic proved why you don’t fuck with Ernest Borgnine as he is a leader of Satanists for the past 300 years or so who live in a ghost town and like to suck souls out of people that don’t believe. This 1975 classic had it all. William Shatner getting tortured, Tom Skeritt pissed because the locals refuse to help, and a young John Travolta! I hate to tell today’s filmmakers this Satanist flick kicks your PG-13 shit right in the fucking nutsack and makes you get on your knees to praise Ernest Borgnine  as one bad ass devil worshipper. Give the flick 3 ½ stars and hail Satan!

 

Mega Shark vs Mecha Shark (DVD) – It may star Debbie Gibson, Elisabeth Rohm, and that “Stargate” TV dude in this disappointing mutant animal mash-up. Mega Shark is loose and threatens humanity so the military builds a mechanical shark to fight back before Mega Shark eats everything. This movie seems boring and uninteresting unlike the many that have come before it like it is missing something like a Vernon Wells or a Corin Nemac? I would stare clear of this flick and stick with some of the past Asylum Entertainment mash-ups as I give this flick 1 star.

 

Guardians of the Galaxy (Theater) – If anything this film proves Marvel can do anything at this point. After a kid is abducted when he was twelve and he becomes a ‘Ravager’ which retrieves things legally and illegally for a price. Now as an adult or Starlord he enjoys being known as is asked to retrieve a rock that just so happens to have an ancient power source that could destroy planets. Soon in a space prison with a talking tree, a green woman assassin, a talking mutant raccoon, and a muscle bound lunatic they make a plan to break out of the space prison and go find this stone to get paid. If they can work together long enough they may just save worlds. Like I said, Marvel can do anything now and this film proves it as this isn’t your run of the mill comic book characters everyone knows. The “Guardians of the Galaxy” universe is lesser known to the mainstream but has a huge rabid following among comic book readers for years. James Gunn and company have made a Marvel movie that may appeal to all audiences as I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

 

Sharknado 2: The Second One (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Ian Ziering and Tara Reid travel to New York for family time and a book signing only to be followed by a couple “Sharknados”. Movie loses a little of its cheese the first flick had and gains a crap load of cameos that if you blink you may miss one of them? This time around Ian’s character is faced with even a bigger challenge: double the amount of “Sharknados” and Tara Reid missing a hand it doesn’t stop him from chainsawing up a few sharks and almost blowing up entire building to stop the catastrophic event! I will say this with a third film in development they may have to have alien sharks or have it set in space as you watch this sequel the bad idea but fun to watch is coming to an end. I give this fun cameo-filled sequel 2 ½ stars and pray we get Sharknado vs. Leprechaun vs. Jason X on Earth 2!!! Oh yeah I went there…

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews and Jagoff Massacre t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and a Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.