Gross Movie Reviews #547
A.M.I. (DVD) – We come to know a young female character Cassie who struggles with the death of her mom and just so happens to find a cell phone during a morning jog. She appropriately leaves it on a stump for the person who might be looking for it and as she walks away the phone asks her, “Do you need a friend?” Cassie’s best friend just showed this new app on your cell phone that once downloaded becomes your friend and knows you. This story taps right into what we all are waiting for to happen, ‘Skynet bitches!’ The A.I. has become so sophisticated it communicates, plays games, does homework, gets calls for you (Alexa anyone?), so this premise is right in the wheel house of every human on Earth. Anyway after an unsightly event with her father Cassie goes back and finds the phone is still there and answers it. This is where Cassie’s life changes especially when the phone convinces her to go off her meds and entices Cassie to kill her friends because they are not good for her! This R-rated Lifetime Network film takes Psychostalker to a whole new level as the film should be watched as a warning of what is already happening more than just another horror movie or I enjoyed the fucking shit out of this film as I give it 3 ½ stars.
Vermont Massacre (DVD) – Class of 2003 is celebrating their ten year reunion and decides hanging at a cabin for the weekend for one last party weekend is the way to celebrate it. But who would have guessed the caretaker wants to bang your cute friends and kill the rest? From beginning to end this film is shamefully horrible from the cast never looking like they would ever be friends to the dumb ass idea of putting a handicap person on a back of a truck that cannot even carrying all the characters that are going to cabin to begin with. The script is dumb, the cast is bored, the filmmaker put no passion into this project and it shows as I give it 0 stars. Idea time: sometimes it’s okay to not make the film…
The Gingerweed Man (DVD) – A 45 minute short film from Full Moon recently that has the Gingerdead Man’s cousin running a weed dispensary with his business partner Barbara. The Gingerweed Man is known for having the best weed in town as he is always making deliveries every day. Well on his usual delivery route he hits up a friend and there he meets the great professor. This professor who is injured gives Gingerweed Man an experiment that needs to be protected from the likes of “Fu-Tech” as they will have evil uses for it. The experiment is named buddy and looks like one of those Mad Balls from the 80s but a smaller version but Buddy might be the future of the world or just the next great weed nug? So Gingerweed Man must mother buddy and save him from the evil entity Fu-Tech. The movie is uneventful but has its moments including bringing in Full Moon’s most racist character ever (OOGA BOOGA) as a sidekick as I give it 2 stars.
The Wrecking Crew (DVD) – A weirdo action flick of where Dead Martin is a bootleg James Bond and working as a U.S. agent that is given the task of recovering a billion dollars in gold that was stolen. If Martin’s character doesn’t recover the gold, it could send the world’s economy into the toilet! If you like Dean Martin music, knowing Bruce Lee helped do the fight chorography, and wanna see Dean Martin pull a helicopter out of a trunk of a car then this hilarious action flick is worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Mad Hatter (DVD) – A newer film that doesn’t know how to use Michael Berryman in the cast is a simple story of a professor leading a few of his students to a mansion for extra credit. Huge problem here kids, we all have seen this film way too many times before but the trailer and description on some websites make you believe we all were going to get some cool ‘Alice in Wonderland’ horror film?! Nope, not here instead you get to see how money is wasted on a film that should just be buried in the backyard or simply thrown out the window one night like I did with my copy of the ‘Black Christmas’ remake but that is for another time to explain as I give this foul smelling garbage that is called a horror film 0 stars.
House of Horrors (DVD) – A mid-40s black and white film about a struggling artist who saves a big ass human being that becomes known as “The Creeper” from drowning one evening. The artist shortly after embarks on his latest project: sculpting the face of “The Creeper” but is frustrated with his critics and says out loud “They should die”. So the big man or The Creeper goes around strangling critics. Once the artist understands this monster of a man will do anything he says to do the artist uses this new power to wipe the slate clean of his critics. Nothing like a good old monster flick but in this case an artist abusing his new found power as I give the flick 3 stars.
The Beast Must Die (DVD) – A wonderful film that isn’t exactly what you think it is about a man named Tom who wants to hunt the ultimate animal, the werewolf! The film starts off like ‘Surviving the Game’ but is a test as Tom is a rich man with a vision as he is a hunter who plans his hunts. Tom has spent an awful a lot of money to secure his mansion, place cameras out in the forest, and have sensors to know every move of the people he has invited to his place for the weekend. Why has he done this, well the people he has invited Tom believes one of them are a werewolf and he wants to hunt the beast. The film being in on the plot doesn’t shy away from this gimmick as they call it a detective story in the beginning and even have a werewolf clock about ¾’s the way into the film for the viewer to pick who the werewolf is? The film might seem a little corny by today’s standards but still an effective film worth viewing as I now know where ‘Howling V: The Rebirth’ stole its plot as I give this gimmicky but worthy werewolf entry 3 stars.
Spine Chiller (DVD) – An Indy retro-80s style anthology that was released a couple years ago that deserves your attention fellow yinzers. Okay, yes I know everyone is making an anthology (hell I am) and if you are doing an independent anthology production that is equal to telling people you have the ‘death curse’. But people let’s all get past that so you can enjoy this little Halloween feature that will make you throw this in your pile to watch every October! The anthology doesn’t have horror hosts but rather great story telling that has all the stories interconnecting and progressing into a fun, spooky, atmospheric ride through horror that doesn’t disappoint. The film plays it serious with all the spooky tales and I may not be a fan of the ending but this tale of Halloween is something I refuse to describe it too much because I feel it could be the next ‘ (2007) Trick ‘r Treat’ for independent fans… yes I went there as I give it 3 ½ stars.
Midnite Spares (DVD/YouTube) – An early 80s Australian film about a sprint car driver Steve Hall coming back home of sorts looking for his father only to find a ruined mechanic shop. Not discouraged Steve looks for his father and meets a lovely girl named Maria while racing the local circuit. But Steve comes to find out the towing business has become corrupt and his father may have been killed for not being a part of it. Lots of crazy ass stunts, a dirty Bruce Spence, and sprint car racing fill this adventurous action film as I give it 3 stars.
Driving Force (DVD/YouTube) – Flash Gordon gets into a tow truck war with Patrick Swayze’s brother in the Philippines and Daisy Duke proves she still had it going on for herself in 1989 or there just to be Sam Jones babysitter half the movie. Not enough for you look for Billy Banks trying way too hard to act in a film that no acting was required? Or as I like to call this flick “ Post-apocalyptic Tow Truck Wars” that is missing Michael Madsen for that extra spice as I give it 2 stars because it made me laugh several times.
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