Gross Movie Reviews #391
The Gate II (VHS) – Very out of print and nowhere near as good as the first movie but follows the Terry character around in this sequel. The sequel was released a few years after the original (1987) but was supposedly filmed in early 1988 and was shelved for unknown reasons? The sequel picks up several months after the ending result of the first film. Terry’s dad is an unemployed airline pilot, his best friend moved because of the demons and all, and Terry still is not well liked in school. So to try and change his luck Terry breaks into his destroyed old friend’s house to call about some demons and such again… This time for good stuff! After some bullies and the hot school girl ruin the ritual Terry gets one of the demon minions and holds him hostage for his wishes to come true. Because of budget constraints??? There is only one demon/minion until the end of this flick. Terry dies saving his dad and hot school girl only to come back to life at his funeral. It’s a fun way to see how the story continues but this could have been a franchise about demons and such and I am still surprised there hasn’t been a remake. If you are a big fan of the first film, the sequel is worth tracking down just because of the Terry character otherwise you are not missing much as I give this 1 ½ stars.
The Funhouse Massacre (DVD) – So Robert Englund runs an asylum that is government funded but under the radar of the public in the middle of nowhere land. He has a reporter visiting that wants the low down on why this place exists or why they haven’t killed the insane serial killers they keep? Of course Englund’s character gives her the grand tour and their wonderful backstories. When he drops his guard the bootleg version of Harley Quinn/Batty Boop kills him and releases the inmates. The head of the six insane inmates is played by great bad dude Jere Burns who has a plan of taking over the local funhouse and carnival, locking it, and making it their playground! All who go to the local funhouse are now locked in and become victims of the insane serial killers. Some fun Halloween shit, some cool effects, and we get a great cast Clint Howard and Courtney Gains joining in on the fun. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.
Killjoy’s Psycho Circus (El Rey Network/DVD) – Now not all Full Moon stuff is for horror fans or the ‘Killjoy’ films for all horror films to be exact. But this franchise has a weird niche and keeps getting better with every entry especially with Trent Haaga being involved. Haaga may have not directed this entry but still stars as the head honcho himself “Killjoy”! After Killjoy escaped Hell in the last film he has been back on earth for a while. Killjoy has a weekly TV show but it’s in the pooper since Batty Boop left. In a sad attempt of trying to get people to tune back in Killjoy allows a bootleg Batty Boop (Robin Sydney aka Luanne) come on the show and do her thing. Meanwhile, apparently good old Satan is about to be ousted from hell if he doesn’t go after Killjoy and bring him back to hell. So Satan gets a spaceship, a hot girl, convinces Batty Boop (sort of) to go back to Killjoy to set up him for the capture. One problem in all this mess is Killjoy and Batty Boop has been on earth long enough that they are becoming more human and Batty wants a baby? A hilarious and weird film series that I will be always interested in as long as Trent Haaga is and for that I give it 3 stars. Note to you if you watch it: See if you catch the laser blast sounds and music lifted from “Flash Gordon”…
Poseidon Rex (DVD) – That dude from ‘Sleepwalkers’ is making a career out of these low budget creature features but anyway he plays a treasure hunter in this flick. Well his dumb ass just happens to blow up the bottom of the ocean (The Blue Hole, too easy to make comments) for some Spanish gold and POOF! There is a swimming T-Rex! And he is eating all the people swimming or boating in the ocean. Like I said, ‘Sleepwalkers’ dude… 1 star.
The Night Before Halloween (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Let me just start off saying quite a few people like this flick and me for some reason find it to be a pile dog crap but fuck it you go watch it! The night before Halloween a dark force comes to kill a teenager after a Halloween prank goes bad. Before his death he leaves a message to his friends that just covered up an accidental death/coma of one of their friends. A year passes and still haunted by the events the friends get a weird phone call from the coma patient, meet up, and find out it is some fucked up thing they need to do… Meaning they must scare someone into killing someone else to lift the curse? To me it was a mash up of ‘It Follows’ and ‘I Know What You Did Last Summer’ with less sex and Gordon’s fish stick outfits? I give this SyFy venture 1 ½ stars.
Pride and Prejudice and Zombies (DVD) – A zombie film that not only snuck under most people’s radars but was an actual good zombie flick is about zombies in 1700s England! Sometime between 1700 and 1800 London goes all ‘Escape From New York’ and builds a wall around the city after a zombie outbreak happens. London builds an army to fight this menace and keep it in check. As it closes in on 1800 the problem is all but gone but still exists as people like to hide they may have been bitten. Great concept so far, then we have Brother Noopsie aka Charles Dance training his daughters to be not fine women but how to defend themselves against the zombie apocalypse. After attending a dance a few zombies show up only to be a sign of something bigger is coming? End of days… This was an absolute treat to get lost in as I give it 3 ½ stars.
Dreaming Purple Neon (DVD) – Holy Fucking Shit! It’s another balls to walls horror film from Todd mother fucking Sheets! Todd Sheets has almost outlasted everyone in the independent horror scene. While Jon McBride and the Polonia Brothers were getting some mad press in the late 80s and early 90s with their shot-on-VHS classics the highly talented Todd Sheets was perfecting his craft until he blindsided the horror community with his project ‘Zombie Bloodbath’! Since then Todd Sheets has become a household name in the horror community for making some of the craziest ass over the top Indy horror films you could ever witness. And saying that with this latest project from Mr. Sheets he may have topped everything he has done? The film begins with some shady business/gangsters planning something and talking about the purple neon. Next thing we know they shoot a man in the office ask the receptionist to clean it up and she gets scared. So she goes to her best friend at a dentist office with these drugs and two guns. Now understand there fine folks this entire movie (95%) supposedly takes place in and down in the basement of a dentist office… On top of that we have a creepy old dude named Mr. Archer hanging out in the basement with naked people (hot women and non-hard penis hanging around like Christmas decorations) talking about a vessel. Which happens to be some teenager upstairs in the dentist chair that doesn’t know the business/gangster dudes have shown up and shut down the dentist office? Confessing but awesome a ritual takes place, a couple people die horrifically, some torture, a female demon is born, the main gangster dude gets castrated, more blood and guts, more naked people, and if the female demon Abby (I will call her) lives the apocalypse happens! And the purple neon drugs will make sense eventually. But wait there is more… Spoiler alert: no fucking lie, bootleg Gene Simmons shows up and kills a zombie while satanic Jesus is enjoying the falling black rain. Yep, my brain hurts just trying to recall the most unpredictable ending I ever watched and oh yeah I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars. If there was something that stop me from giving it a perfect and it’s the 111 minute running time but hey I feel like an ass just for nit picking… So horror fans go do yourself a favor and go get this flick from www.zombiebloodbath.com or check out more about it at www.facebook.com/DreamingPurpleNeon .
In the Deep (DVD) – A shark flick that stars singer/actress Mandy Moore. Mandy just dumped by her guy is in Mexico with her younger sister trying to enjoy a vacation. On a whim Mandy and her sister go with a couple local guys on boating trip where Matthew Modine is the captain and you get in a shark cage to experience the great whites. Well the women get in, enjoy the sharks, then the cable breaks and they fall to the bottom of the ocean with not much air left. Now do they make it back to the surface or do they die down at the bottom from their air running out. A cool shark thriller well worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.
American Mary (DVD) – I was so giddy that I was able to get around and watch this little slick horror flick about Mary, a surgical student who is up to her ears in debt. Nowhere else to turn she goes to a go-go club fully knowing this is not what she wants to do. But someone gets injured, she is offered $5000 cash and no questions asked and next thing you she is a wanted girl in the underground surgical world. Mary goes to a surgical party with her peers and gets drug and raped. She changes her mind and begins to fall into the underground scene of body modification. Fun stuff folks and never hurts to see Katharine Isabelle in another horror flick. I give the film 3 stars.
Wedding Slashers (DVD) – Jenna is a girl who had a horrible past that she ran away from. Now, Jenna has friends and her man Alex, just asked to marry her. Problem, her past has caught back up to her and part of her past is her family believes in: Incest is best! Richard Lynch shows up for the last five minutes as Jenna’s father but Jenna and her fiancé must slice and dice their way out of trouble in order to get married. I give it 1 ½ stars.
Halloween Spookies (YouTube) – An entertaining family friendly Halloween anthology special from the minds of Dustin Wayde Mills and all around cool horror dude Dave Parker. The fun Halloween film deals with a clown in the house, a guy being informed he’s dead, and if ‘The Gate’ was made by Dustin Wayde Mills. The three stories are surrounded by two evil witches making a brew that they are planning on using a little kid for the extra ingredient. All three stories are PG-fun and bring back memories of ‘Tales from the Darkside’ and ‘Monsters’ TV shows. The project isn’t too scary or bloody and actually a surprise to me how well it came out showing the range of both Mills and Parker. I give the fun Halloween project 3 out of 4 stars.
Gravy (DVD) – So the TV show ‘Psych’ is over, that didn’t stop James Roday from getting some of his old friends together to make an outrageous horror film. The outrageous horror film is about three demented people who are cannibals and every Halloween they find a dark bar/restaurant thing and lock it up and have fun with those inside. This year they pick a Mexican place that has a variety of characters where not everything goes to plan as the cannibals learn something about themselves. Once things go sideways the cannibals try to salvage the night and kill whose left. Super bloody, super funny and it stars Paul Rodriguez as the head of the restaurant. I give it 2 ½ stars.
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