Gross Movie Reviews #392

Krampus (DVD) – So all that little Max wants is the Christmas holiday to be fun again. He still believes in Santa Claus and misses the days of just hanging with his older sister, Mom, Dad, and Grandma during the cheerful holiday season. So he writes Santa a letter asking for all this and when his cousins arrive they steal his letter and embarrass him. Now Max is ruined and throws it out the window but someone was paying attention. An old demon named Krampus makes a visit to Max’s household stealing and slaughtering everyone around him. Cool Christmas monster and really enjoyed the practical effects of the mutant jack-in-the box. Holiday horror for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.

Masters of the Universe (DVD) – So I decided to revisit this cartoon to live action big budget film adaptation that starred Dolph Lundgren, Meg Foster, and Courtney Cox. The film was littered with problems from beginning to end and was not released until 1987 where He-man’s popularity was already slowing down. Good or bad or just disagree with the direction of the storyline it was just cool to see something like this as a kid. Now saying that time hasn’t been kind to it since we are all older and can point out the many flaws but I believe that is the joy of the film? But damn it to hell I wanted me some Ram-man! I give it 2 stars.

Jurassic Shark (DVD) – Found this Brett Kelly production by accident while looking for another shark movie so I said fuck it and watched it anyway. An oil company doing some illegal drilling on a private island awakens an ancient shark and it’s hungry. A few thieves and college girls try to fend it off but die trying. The cheesiness of the plot would be well worth the watch but the terrible overacting and hideous computer shark effects make you wanna barf. Its bad folks, its real bad and that is coming from a fan of Brett Kelly films. I give it 0 stars.

Bad Ass 2: Bad Asses (DVD) – Old Danny Trejo runs a boxing gym to keep young kids out of trouble and just so happens to help out his neighbor Danny Glover when his store is being robbed. Word gets around some old dude beats up the thieves Andrew Divoff gets involved and forces his son to prove himself by taking the senior citizens out. Problem is the two are tough old bastards and refuse to go down easy as they take on the Argentinian nationalist (Andrew Divoff) and destroy his side business. It’s god damn Danny Trejo you know you are gonna watch it as I give it 2 ½ stars just for involving one of my favorite actors Mr. Divoff (I want another Wishmaster movie for the love of Rutger Hauer or Andrew Divoff in this case!)

Dead Noon (DVD) – Kane Hodder is a burned up cowboy who is keeping captive a young woman so he can tell her a boring story about a cowboy who leaves hell for revenge. Now that Frank has crossed over into present time it’s up to a couple brother sheriffs to send Frank and his minions back. I am sure Kane got paid well for his appearance but I want paid for wasting my time where a computer generated effect of a crow was even terrible in the film. Or it sucked a bag full of donkey dicks as I give it 0 stars.

The Greasy Strangler (DVD) – A new disturbing film that you are either gonna hate it two minutes in or laugh your ass off like I did. Otherwise you are just a bullshit artist! The story is about Big Ronnie and his son who lives together and run a celebrity disco tour (Big Ronnie’s Disco Tour) while wearing matching pink outfits. But Big Ronnie has a secret besides being one big raging boner; he is “the greasy strangler”! When Big Ronnie doesn’t have enough grease, get upset with small dick son, or just cannot have sex with his son’s new girlfriend he becomes a greasy monster and kills someone. Or at least that is what I got out of this very disturbing but funny flick. If it helps Elijah Wood makes his presence felt again as a producer… If you are a fan of Troma, ‘Slime City’, and films in that vein you watch this multiple times as I give it 3 stars.

Death Run (YouTube/VHS) – ‘Death Run’ is from the UK, maybe? But is better known as ‘Mutant City’ if yinz weirdos go looking for it? A young couple is thrown into a suspended animation experiment in hopes of surviving an ongoing nuclear war. They awaken 25 years later to a new world that is just a wasteland, cans of Coke don’t exist, there is lots of mutations, and the most non-threatening villain named “The Messiah” rules the wasteland. Jenny and Paul get captured but eventually escape the clutches of The Messiah but not without cost as Jenny dies making Paul and others wanting to ruin The Messiah’s famous “Death Run”. This B-flick really looks like someone had a bunch of friends and a junkyard to make an apocalyptic movie but the difference is they all were passionate about making this project happen. It’s beautiful late 80s B-movie cheese worth tracking down foe a watch and hope it makes it too DVD someday. ‘Mutant City’ I will be revisiting you again as I give you 2 stars.

The Monster (DVD) – A slow burn creature flick that really focuses on the relationship between a troubled mother and her young daughter whose relationship is all but over. The mother hungover had promised to drive her young daughter to her father’s house but begrudgingly starts the long drive. Along the way they hit a wolf and the car stalls and gets a flat tire. The two are forced to speak to each other and call for a tow truck and paramedics. During this flashbacks explain a little more of the trouble between the two but when the tow truck arrives, the dead wolf disappears. Next thing we know Jesse the tow truck driver disappears and his arm flops on top of the car sending the two screaming for their lives in the car knowing they are not alone. The thing that is stalking them is a bad ass looking mutated gorilla/wolf/awesome practical scary ass creature that tears shit up. I really enjoyed the creature but the focus of the film the mother and daughter relationship. Plus, I believe it’s time for the “creature feature” to make a comeback and this flick will most likely make it on my ‘best of 2016 list’ as I give it 4 stars.

Army of One (DVD) – Dolph Lundgren is a truck driver whose partner (Ken Foree) gets shot after they are pulled over by a motorcycle cop. Taking the fall for the cop killing Dolph’s character is sent to jail but during the transfer a couple of guards decide it’s time to take their frustration out on Dolph. Dolph doesn’t want to clear his name, he wants to track down his employer who screwed him over and take the money he is owed. Along the way Dolph happens the kidnap a hot ass undercover police officer and gets into one of the best action film gunfights you will see from a 90s film. This is must see viewing for Dolph Lundgren fans as I give the film 3 stars.

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