This time around we bring you 3 fairly newish flicks. First is the latest in one of the most maligned franchises in horror and that is 2022’s THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. Next John talks about a glacier that’s made of blood in BLOOD GLACIER (what else would it be called) Then Tim chats about the great Richard Brake as a demon that wants the souls of the elderly in BINGO HELL. And of course we talk about yet another Amityville movie. This time it’s THE AMITYVILLE CURSE, or Amityville 5 or… whatever, we don’t care anymore. Also we read your listener questions. go over the newest news, and talk about a ton of other semi interesting topics like An Aliens television show, who the best basketball player of all time was, and the insane things old folks get up to when they are in a bingo hall. So download this episode or Larry Bird is gonna come after you like your name was Bill Laimbeer.
Tag Archives: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Gross Movie Reviews #5630
Gross Movie Reviews #563
The Amityville Terror (DVD) – So entry #16 literally stars no one as a family moves into the haunted Amityville home with a relative. It doesn’t take long before things get weird as the cool sister Shae is possessed by the evil presence in the house but nevermind that as it’s more important for Hailey her niece to fit in at school? As no one is paying attention it becomes clear Hailey must figure out what is going on with this old house before the evil landlord sacrifices them for the greater good of the community. The effects are bad, the story is lazy, and once again somehow the house is able to control stuff away from the home, but don’t let that get in the way of watching this terrible film as I give it a ½ star.
Spine of Night (Shudder) – A pretty cool animated film that fans of such flicks ‘Fire and Ice’, ‘Heavy Metal’, and ‘Wizards’ will really dig! This violent fantasy film features witches, book burnings, great voiceover work, and an ultimate evil that believes he is an untouchable god. A select few take on an adventure that is all guaranteed a one-way ticket to death to stop a god who tries to protect the bloom that gives him his powers, plus we get a witch who returns from the dead to wage war. All that and a bad ass ending make me give this throwback 3 stars.
The Amityville Exorcism (DVD) – Well Polonia Brothers Entertainment return for entry #17 as they return to Amityville, New York, to try to bring you a scary tale of horror. This time around you will almost laugh your ass right off your body as the demonic force of Amityville has taken over construction materials. The old possessed haunted home is up to its old tricks again as it possesses the contractor and his materials causing him to kill his family. Now that the materials have been used on another home it has infected that home and causing a family and a priest to deal with unspeakable evil. This very well could have been in the running for worst entry of the series if I wasn’t still laughing from the set-up of possessed construction materials as I give it 1 ½ stars for entertaining me for the wrong reasons.
Amityville: Vanishing Point (DVD) – 2016s independent production aka entry #18 is far and beyond the worst entry in the series but we will get to that in a minute. A woman dies in a boardinghouse (yes, a piece of cardboard hanging from someone’s porch written in sharpie “Boardinghouse”) which honest question do those still exist or was this some weird take on that S.O.V. flick from the early 80s of the same name? Anyhow it’s hard to follow but a weirdo attempt at a detective looks into the matter and its occupants as it is believed the boardinghouse itself maybe trying to murder people. I believe this is the first entry in the series that completely distances itself from the original Amityville movie or events? But there is a mention of this unnamed creepy ass town without saying “Amityville”, so I will let you make that determination if you can ever track down a copy of this film. Tracking it down wasn’t easy but can be done? This cobbled mess features a cameo from Lloyd Kaufmann, a horrible strip tease, a possessed penis, a possible possessed Keith Hernandez baseball card, and rape for no reason. Now saying all that the sad part is it’s hard to give this entry a fair watch because the sound and editing are so bad and so off the movie/DVD was pulled from everything (streaming/DVD copies)! To top it off the so-called filmmakers never fixed it. So no matter what I watch from here on out the Amityville series cannot be any worse than this poor excuse that in reality calling it a film would be an actual compliment as it gets ZERO stars.
Amityville Toybox (DVD) – Dustin Ferguson takes a shot of interjecting some life into the series with entry #19 or also known as ‘The Amityville Legacy’ almost 40 years after the original. During a 50th birthday party a gentleman is given an old school musical chimp toy as a present that just so happens to be cursed. It is cursed, because it was there when the original murders occurred. Enjoying or adoring his childhood nostalgia in the toy Mark quickly becomes possessed which causes him to turn on the family. If the chimp wasn’t enough the Amityville fly makes an appearance in sound mostly to annoy possible victims. I’ll give Dustin credit for trying something a little different but just like part four of this series it comes off as a lost episode of the ‘Friday the 13th’ TV series where the monkey needs returned to “Curious Goods” as I give the film 2 stars.
Amityville Clownhouse (DVD) – Entry #20 aka ‘Amityville: Evil Never Dies’ continues the storyline of “Toybox” with the cursed toy chimp going to a cute couple who picks it up at a so-called junk store. But we are introduced to a clown painting and a killer clown for a few scenes that seem to have no relevance to the overall story as the focus is still on the cursed musical chimp infecting another family. Once the demonic force has done its damage the junk store owner comes in for the cleanup and resale of the item. Not a terrible entry into the series but feels like it should have been just jammed in the mix with the last film to make one story but that is just my opinion as I give it 2 stars.
Amityville Prison (DVD) – Entry #21 from 2017 is completely and truly Amityville free as its other title is ‘Against the Night’ as the Amityville tag was placed on the feature for unknown reasons (or at least when I was looking it could not find a real reason). Anyway, a young filmmaker and friends get the bright idea to go do some ghost hunting at the local abandoned prison. This folks is never a good idea but moving on the filmmaker believes it would be a wonderful idea to get shots of his friends scared until real paranormal shit seems to be happening and cannot be explained. Quickly the group dwindles being killed off one by one by a figure in a Harry Warden-style respirator mask. A couple of small twists makes this a pleasant surprise for the series even though it is by title only and explains to the young kids why it isn’t ever a good idea of running around a dark, abandoned prison as I give this film 3 stars.
Amityville: Mt. Misery Road (DVD) – Entry #22 goes full steam ahead with the story of Native Americans selling cursed land in New York to dumb white people back in the 1650s or something to that effect. Since then this stretch of land has had legendary strange occurrences and considered to be one of the most haunted roads in America. A Florida couple (or what I like to call douchebag and his fake stripper wife aka employee) are intrigue by the haunted area and choose to travel to upstate New York to investigate. Besides complaining they are cold and getting an old dude to tell boring stories they use the last 35 minutes of the film to do a poor reenactment of ‘The Blair Witch Project’. Okay, the ‘Vanishing Point’ entry has a sort of an out with never fixing the sound or editing but this entry is just downright shameful and gives a bad name to actual independent filmmakers who actually bust their ass to put together an actual production. Honestly there are several filmmakers out there that make some of the best horror films in recent years and they cannot find distribution but this piece of shit or so-called movie starring douchebag gets put out there for the masses… There is your answer in what is wrong with movie companies and their standards. Next time do everyone on this earth a favor and flush this dumb shit down the toilet. As I give this NOTHING I hope the company that put this entry out there for a moron like me to find goes bankrupt! Be warned this might be the first film you ever watch that might make you visibly angry to others that it exists?
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Netflix) – Are all the horror movie fans done losing their F’N minds? Stop it, just like the Friday the 13th films isn’t this eight or nine? What in the Rutger Hauer are you expecting? Also this newest entry bit hard on the new ‘Halloween’. Now, with that out of the way kids this was a violent fun horror movie with some crazy old dude that lives in an abandoned town with a woman who looks after him. Once she dies from the shock of some young people taking her home and has you wanting them to die horribly immediately when their characters are introduced we get this weirdo wearing a dead woman’s face acting like Leatherface… Meanwhile, Sally has been holding a grudge for 50 years and has returned to get her revenge for her friends from the original film. Honestly horror fans put your shit aside and go watch this film with an open mind and not calling it ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’. Sounds like an argument I made for the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake some years back but whatever point is I just laugh yinz decided three remakes and how many sequels later you are finally outraged? Guess what if you hated 2013s entry then you are definitely not allowed to like this one but that is a whole other conversation. Anyway horror fans calm your asses down and go watch this violent lunatic chainsaw through a bus full of idoits as the film gets done quick with an 83 minute running time as I give it 3 stars.
The Amityville Murders (DVD) – So apparently for the 23rd entry in case you never heard of the DeFeo murders which started this whole mess or the countless documentaries about the original film and book and what influenced them you get a prequel. For the most part it goes through everything we have already heard or learned about over the years just with a couple big names in Diane Franklin and Burt Young. The film clearly has a budget and not terrible, it is just everything most people over the age of 30 know about. So if you are a newer horror fan? Or maybe you are a teenage horror fan that has been curious about the Amityville legacy? This might be a good starting point for you? Not what I was expecting 23 entries in as I give it 2 stars.
Amityville Cop (DVD) – So entry #25 comes in at a brisk 68 minutes concerning a couple of detectives, a captain with something to hide 20 years ago, a cop being sacrificed, and it happens to take place on New Year’s Eve. Imagine ‘Maniac Cop’ got shoehorned into a cop comedy and was watchable? Hard to imagine but it actually was watchable as I give it 1 ½ stars.
The Amityville Harvest (DVD) – Took it long enough to do something stupid… again but entry #27 comes up with a vampire story. A documentary crew heads to an old funeral home for a project that concerns liquor during the civil war or something? They all get something more than they bargain for as the caretaker Mr. Vincent Miller explains the real story about the Lincoln assassination and then begins to slowly feed on the crew. Try to ignore the weird and creepy close ups of Mr. Miller during their documentary project part of the film it will just annoy you as I give the film 1 star.
Bigfoot’s Bride (DVD) – First time independent director Erick Wofford really tries to do something different with the Bigfoot legend but fails miserably. Basic premise of this film is Bigfoot aka ‘Wrong Turn’ extra aka a bad looking twin of Jason in Friday part seven aka or my favorite term for him “GENERIC BIGFOOT” who also is wearing overalls, hates messy dudes, and enjoys drinking a hot babe’s urine. Yes, kids that is the whole film! Yikes, I couldn’t stop laughing how terrible this was as I give it 0 stars.
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Gross Movie Reviews #4190
Gross Movie Reviews #419
Leatherface (On Demand) – Once again someone has decided to remake “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre”… again. Or is it another prequel to the prequel? Anyway I would love to sit here and take a total shit on this film but I cannot. The film falls into a couple arguments that I will explain but first let’s talk plot. The film takes place in the 50s to establish the Sawyer family and a kid named Bud who is supposed to become Leatherface? Mom is not happy as on Bud’s birthday he refuses to kill a local trespasser. The local sheriff isn’t real thrilled with the whole family either as he takes Bud away to be placed in an asylum for kids. Several years pass and Mama Sawyer is still fighting to see her kid. A couple of other inmates cause a ruckus and a riot breaks out. This allows for Bud, his protector Jackson, the two inmates that started it all, and a nurse they kidnapped to escape. The manhunt begins for them thus also setting in motion the story of how Leatherface is born. Now there is an unexpected twist that happens that will make you have a lot of questions? But let’s get back to some of my arguments about this film existing: First, this is more proof they are willing to throw crap at the wall for this franchise but not do the one thing that I believe would work and Leatherface fans be happy with? So this film has no connection to the 2013 flick that you inherit Leatherface and is it a true remake of the first (1974) version or the more recent one with Jessica Alba. Because of this gimme $5-$7 million dollar budget, Jeff Burr to direct, Ken Foree, Kate Hodge, and R.A. get to star and I have a great idea of where the story picks up 25 years after “Leatherface 3”? Second, yinz owe Rob Zombie a paycheck! He did pretty much the same thing with the remake of “Halloween”… Kid in asylum fucks shit up once escapes. Which third thing leads me to the argument of the remake “Dawn of the Dead” and “Halloween” if they are titled something else I believe they are awesome flicks but they are titled what they are it changes the dynamic. The movie wasn’t terrible at all but you think they would take a cue from the “Child’s Play” franchise and know it is okay to make a sixth, seventh sequel to the original film and it still make sense. Anyway I give this weirdo remake version of Leatherface 2 ½ stars.
XX (DVD) – A pretty cool anthology of four tales of horror all directed by women. The “Don’t Fall” segment may have been my favorite as a girl name Gretchen turns into a horrific cool creature on a camping trip that devours her friends. I give it 2 ½ stars.
Universal Monsters (DVD) – Several documentaries from the early 2000s that cover all the originals: Dracula, Wolf Man, Frankenstein, Bride, Invisible Man. Discussing their beginnings and how the stories made it to film. But also the big thing or reason to check these out is how much they cover the Lugosi and Karloff relationship on and off film. If you enjoy old school horror this stuff is made for you as I give it 4 stars.
Would You Rather (DVD) – Brittany Snow plays a character that is in a tight spot: no job, bills are piling up, and trying to take care of her sick brother. Then an opportunity comes along where all her prayers or money woes would be answered. It comes in form of a rich older dude (Jeffrey Combs) who has eight people over for a chance for their bills to be paid for and they are set for life. All the eight people must do is make it through a dinner party and play a few little games that have consequences. The film is a little brutal but fun as of course Jeffrey Combs just brings the movie to life with his charm. I give the flick 3 stars.
House of the Witch (DVD/SyFy Channel) – It’s time for a Halloween party thrown by some college kids. So they go to the old abandoned house that was rumored to have witches living in it. Once there they begin to experience weird things and they slowly are killed off. No way this was even close to a “Night of the Demons” so save your popcorn as I give this flicked 1 star.
The Sandman (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Claire (Haylie Duff) gets her niece Madison after her brother meets his untimely death. But Claire is not ready for what is in store for her as Madison’s dream of a creature named The Sandman comes to life and kills for Madison. Meanwhile secret agent man Tobin Bell is trying to harness the power of Madison for military weapon use. To ruin Tobin’s plans of Madison a doctor played by Amanda Wyss may have an answer and a way to help Madison get rid of the Sandman forever. A solid cast and a solid horror flick for the cable channel as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Wish Upon (DVD) – Claire is a little girl who sees her mother commit suicide in their attic. Years later and now high school senior age Claire’s father finds this antique box while garbage picking. Claire examines the antique and cleans it up wishing for a horrible classmate of hers to begin rotting. The next morning the girl’s flesh is rotting. She then wishes for the cutest guy in school to fall in love with her and he does. Claire soon understands the power of this antique box. But as she learns from a guy friend who cares the box comes at a blood price. People close to you must die in some horrible way. After becoming popular she fights with her best friends about it because if she gets to seven wishes the box drives you insane and claims your soul. This was a nice entertaining surprise that was like a “Wishmaster” and “Final Destination” sandwich! I have to give this pleasant horror surprise 3 stars.
Let it Die (You Tube) – Another project from the cool ass Forte Films Entertainment where this go around is a short film about a father who has regrets of how his daughter turned out. Too bad he keeps her flesh-eating ass chained in a basement! I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
Any comments or questions please send to firstname.lastname@example.org www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………
Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr
Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.
Independent horror fans it is coming… GROSSFEST! July 28, 2018! Go check out www.grossfest.com for all the details!
We got a new episode up and we are all over the horror genre map with Steve Benningfield0
This week Tim and Kyle welcome back re-occurring special guest host Steve Benningfield A.K.A. Ben Grimm to talk about His movie pick LINK, where a killer Orangutan tries to be scary in LINK. Tim talks about a J.R. Bookwalter flick in ROBOT NINJA, And Kyle talks about the 1874 classic THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE. We also talk about that time Steve broke into the house from tourist trap, Crazy urban legends, Christopher Lambert: chess grand master, we check in on the Nightbreed price gouging debacle. Days of the Dead recap, and we finally get an answer why Tim wears XXXXL T-Shirts. So enjoy.
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