Gross Movie Reviews #338
By Tim Gross
Detention of the Dead (DVD) – Another quirky zombie flick trying to do something different like parodying “The Breakfast Club” among a few other pop culture films. High school kids trying to battle the undead flesh eaters as they are trapped inside on just a typical day of school and of course the nerds seem to have the answers for the jocks, drug dude, and the smoking hot girl of how to survive… Maybe? Lots of blood but it just becomes bland half way through as most do. But best teenage zombie flick I have seen in the past decade has to be “Dance of the Dead” but for this flick I gotta give 2 stars.
The Nostril Picker (DVD) – The film is also known as “The Changer” and recently released on DVD by that great independent company www.massacrevideo.com . This lesser known independent film is from 1988 and about a dude named Joe who really doesn’t have friends, a job, or money but wants women. So just like any other poor scumbag he visits the local hobo that tells him the secret of changing his appearance so he could get close to teenage girls. Soon Joe looks like a pretty blonde girl who is new in town and has no friends until she or he meets a few at the tennis courts. Then Joe as a girl and himself goes about his sleazy murdering spree! A pleasant surprise to watch and a perfect film for family entertainment night as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
The Unnamable II (VHS) – Only able to scare up a VHS copy in the US, there is an Eye-talian PAL DVD I believe floating around but I say wait for the special edition… Anyway this 1992 sequel literally picks up seconds after the original film loosely based on the work of H.P. Lovecraft. Randolph Carter wants to prove the 300 year creature exists and protect the “Necronomicon” after his buddy is taken to the hospital and the police clean up the dead bodies. So Carter searches out the assistance of a scholar played by John Rhys-Davies to help him prove the creature exists. They find its lair and caves under the old house on the college campus and the creature is injured. They find some drawings that they decipher and split the creature and its former human self “Alyda” a part. But the bloodbath continues as the creature wants Alyda back. A fun underrated sequel I was glad I gave a second chance too after seeing it when it was first released on video all those years ago. David Warner plays the dean of the school which he is always fun to see in a horror flick and Julie Strain plays the creature! Awesome horror stuff folks as I give it 3 stars.
The Burning Moon (DVD) – In 1992, there was this little known horror film in Germany made by a young gorehound named Olaf Ittenbach. His first project is an anthology with two main stories and the wrap around dealing with this dude telling his sister the stories to help her sleep before he brutally stabs her. The first story is about a serial killer fascinated by a woman named Julia. The second story gets even weirder as a priest practices Christianity during the day and by night rapes, kills, worships Satan, you know the good stuff! The priest accidentally gets a local man blamed for his sins and killed only to have hell pay a visit to the one who killed the innocent. The movie can be rough, boring, and just weird (not a good way) but then comes the final 15 minutes of what I call the reason I enjoy Mr. Ittenbach… He gives us the vision of hell and it’s like Tom Savini in his prime, Greg Nicotero, Screaming Mad George in his prime, and the brain of Fred Vogel got mixed in a blender and throw on screen! It’s absolutely beautiful. I may only give the film 2 stars but the ending is well worth seeing.
Grave Encounters (DVD) – After many people saying I need to see this film I decided to sit and watch it. First before I review this flick and its sequel will someone please explain to me how the footage got to the studio for it to be shown or was that explained in the sequel by the “Death Awaits” thing and I don’t really care?… Anyway a ghost hunting crew who doesn’t entirely take the ghost hunting business serious has gotten their show to air on a cable network and while working on episode six they disappeared. Episode six involves the small crew going to a closed down asylum which had a horrible history of doctors experimenting on the insane and patients that were just dropped off there because their family no longer wanted to care for them. Plus a lot of people who live nearby believe it to be haunted. Once in and the crew is doing their show not a lot happens and once they are ready to call it a wrap that is when they find out they cannot leave and strange eerie things happen. One by one the crew is driven insane and disappears or killed by ghosts that haunt the asylum that seems to be in a wormhole. Blah, most of these are not my cup of tea but of course I will keep watching hoping to find a good one as I give this 2 stars.
Grave Encounters 2 (DVD) – The sequel picks up with several YouTube movie reviewers reviewing the film “Grave Encounters”. One reviewer in particular is contacted by “Death Awaits” about his review and this sends the reviewer into mass craze of finding out the truth behind the first film being real or not. He gets his friends to take a road trip to the so-called fake asylum only to find it boarded up and “Death Awaits” painted on the front door. Breaks in, the friends begin to die, but the reviewer finds the host of “Grave Encounters” in the basement beaten, battered, crazy, yelling something about he cannot escape and a red door is the exit. The sequel takes an interesting turn in plot but not enough for me to care as usual but will give it props for trying as I give it 2 stars.
R.I.P.D. (DVD) – If you are bored of awesome horror flicks and once in a while you need that crap on a stick kinda flick? Well, here’s your answer this pile of elephant crap that sounds like it should be fun but just disappoints you like when you want Taco Bell tacos and instead you get bootleg mall Food Court Taco Bell tacos that give you the shits instantly! Jeff Bridges… okay, James Hong… yes, Ryan Reynolds… umm why, seems like a “Men in Black” rip-off. Yep, shits for one! I dare you to go watch this and say it’s good with a straight face. I have seen worse but this is just wrong to make someone sit through it? I give it a ½ star.
Pieces of Talent (DVD) – A very interesting independent horror film about a man named David Long who is a filmmaker, sort of? He uses VHS cameras to shoot all his scenes so he can watch them at home on his top loader VHS player. But he is also a serial killer who uses his real life murders for his feature project. Constantly searching out his next victim/star David wants a specific actor for his film. And fate happens as David meets Charlotte at a strip club. Well not in so many words as David is beaten up and thrown out the back door of the strip club and Charlotte the waitress takes pity and helps David to his vehicle and driving him home. Intrigued by the good deed done by the nice young lady David becomes fascinated by her and has coffee with her. He then decides that there could be a possible part in his feature for her but he is not exactly ready for her. The sweet young Charlotte never has clue what she is about to witness until it’s too late. The film has some originality, great story telling, cool gore shots, and some great casting of David Long as David and Kristi Ray as Charlotte. Well worth checking out this independent horror film as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.
Nite Owl (DVD) – John Leguizamo, a cameo appearance of Caroline Munro, and it’s a black and white artsy urban vampire flick. Time has not been kind to this film but if interested it’s about Leguizamo’s character worried about his sister who didn’t come home the night before and soon finds out that the guy named Jake she hooked up with is a vampire. I give the artsy independent flick 1 out of 4 stars.
Killer Kart (YouTube) – A student film after my own heart as it’s a 14 minute short film from Florida State University about a killer grocery cart at the local supermarket. Hopefully the characters Hale and Cass can survive its thirst for blood when the store closes? This hilariously gory film does it the right way of keeping it short and entertaining and I thank FSU film students for that as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.
Bloodrayne: The Third Reich (DVD) – Uwe Boll felt like video game/horror movie fans needed a third bootleg “Castlevania” movie especially since the real “Castlevania” project will never get off the ground. First it was fantasy times, second it was the old west, this time the big boobie Bloodrayne is fighting Nazis in WWII helping a small group of freedom fighters. By mistake she turns a Nazi commander (Michael Pare) into a day walker or vamp that can survive sunlight. With the help of evil scientist Clint Howard they want to deliver Bloodrayne’s blood to Hitler to make him immortal. The movie was poop but did find it entertaining watching Clint Howard trying to fake a German accent so for that I give it 1 ½ stars.
I Drink Your Blood (DVD) – To sum it up best never trust dirty hippies and young boys that sell meat pies. Why… well its 1970 and we got some naked dirty hippies doing naked satanic rituals in a remote area of the woods where a local girl happens to have a crush on one of the hippies’ and watches the ritual. When the group gets ahold of her they drug and rape her. Next day the hippies van breaks down and they just happen to roll into the local girl’s town that is a ghost town since there is construction on a dam being built and the town is going to be torn down. The girl tells grandpa what happen the night before he confronts the hippies who beat his old ass up and the girl’s young brother goes into the woods to kill a rabid dog. Once dead he takes blood from the dog and injects into his mom’s meat pies sold at the bakery which the dirty hippies buy, eat, and go fucking bonkers! Stabbings, limbs being hacked off, people foaming at the mouth, people biting and infecting others, people setting themselves on fire, crazy family entertainment I tell you. The perfect midnight flick to watch as I give it 4 stars.
Beyond the Door (DVD) – Half Eye-talian and half US production about a woman who gets pregnant with her third child and it’s the devil and possesses her. Meanwhile her crazy ex-dead boyfriend Dimitri is back in town to ensure the baby’s abnormal arrival for Satan to be reborn or just some crazy voice in his head we hear throughout the movie that claims it will give Dimitri more years to live if he helps. Yep, it’s a fucked up “Exorcist” rip-off that has its lulls throughout the flick but enough weirdness to see it all the through to the end! I give it 2 stars.
The Casebook of Eddie Brewer (DVD) – When looking for a ghost hunting flick worth watching or independent flick of interest always check out the UK titles because they always seem to stir something different up whether its big budget or independent like this different paranormal flick. The film is shot documentary style most of the film as it follows a long time paranormal expert Eddie Brewer, who doesn’t exactly, believes in ghosts as much as he believes in the unexplained. As the film rolls on Mr. Brewer explains his old but effective tactics and why he prefers to work alone than in a team like most so-called experts do these days. While working on two separate cases Eddie comes across possibly the best evidence he has ever witnessed and is very unsure of how to deal with this dilemma on top of trying to figure out why a little girl is being bothered by a poltergeist. Even though the film is very dialogue driven its interesting as its main character is not a true believer as most characters are in paranormal films and the documentary style actually adds to the Brewer character’s sincerity. This film proves there is still some original thought in the paranormal film genre and was a rare delightful treat to see a movie about the paranormal again. I give the flick 3 out of 4 stars and more info about the film can be found at www.shock-o-rama.com .
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See yinz at Horror Realm March 6-8th, 2015 as you will find me in the Gross Movie Reviews “Out of Print Film Room”. For details visit www.horrorrealmcon.com .
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