Gross Movie Reviews #340
By Tim Gross
Yor, The Hunter from the Future (DVD) – A great combo movie that somehow was able to combine “Beastmaster” and “Caveman” with some weird no budget droids. This classic from the early 80s is about a man named Yor, who doesn’t know it yet but is the savior for a future generation that has been hiding among the mountains. His people let him go as a child to live among the caveman-like humans in hopes of learning to fight for his life and be their savior. If you are like me and only knew it existed and never seen it until now then start tracking it down now you will not be disappointed. And for that I give it 3 stars.
Beauty Queen Butcher! (DVD) – A shot-on-video movie from 1991 directed by Jill Zurborg is actually very brilliant and not talked about much. Our story begins with a bigger girl named Phyllis who has been entered into the ‘Miss Slough Queen’ beauty queen pageant by her nemesis Muffy and company to be embarrassed. It does not help Ms. Purnish the pageant hostess hates Phyllis also. As the pageant is going down Phyllis is nervous and has her friend bring her a box of Twinkies which of course gives us the famous line borrowed from “Stand By Me” (my best friend since 6th grade, Craig Wallace) would be proud, “Chow down Lard Ass!” If that wasn’t enough torture the beauty queen and her runners-up put Phyllis’s cat in the microwave which sends Phyllis over the edge and begins killing them one by one. But with each death Phyllis rises up the ladder of ‘Miss Slough Queen’ as there has to be one every year according to Ms. Purnish… What is amazing with this low budget feature is it borders two hours in length which usually spells ‘death’ for most low budget films but in this case is unnoticed because of how much fun and entertaining the film truly is! So I thank Miss Zurborg for giving a great effort and give it 4 stars.
Freak (VHS) – A bad independent flick from 1999 but entertaining in its own little way. Example: the box says the story starts 25 years ago with a monstrosity! In the opening of the film it says, “Nine years ago”… Go figure, I find this shit hilarious and entertaining but anyway a mother who was some kind of recluse has a son who she hates and keeps chained up with a burlap bag over his head. One night when she throws her newborn in a barrel fire, the son bashes her head in. Present time/1999, two sisters moving to a new home across several states come in contact with the monstrosity when he escapes a van owned by the asylum that housed him. Sounds better than it was but what the hell you only live once so go ahead and watch it? I did! I give it 1 star.
Repo Jake (VHS/DVD-R/YouTube) – 1990… Dan Haggerty aka Grizzly Adams… and he is a Repo dude! If this shit had evil Nazi elves I would been going to bed with aluminum foil on my head knowing someone is tapping my brain for movie ideas? Jake is new in town and has just gotten a job at K+K Repo. He meets a nice young lady trying to be an actress, makes friends at the repo joint, is introduce to slam track racing, and just happens to repossess everything that includes helicopters. Yep mother fucking Grizzly Adams is a chopper pilot. This is the type of bad b-action shit I live for. I give it 3 stars.
Chrysalis (DVD/Vimeo) – The film is being released under a different name “Battle Apocalypse” and was directed by John Klein who bases his story in the future of the year 2038. Everything is dead, almost everyone is gone, and there seems to be only a wasteland of infected left. Two survivors are just trying to survive the best way they can until they come in contact with a another woman one evening while traveling through a big empty city or so they thought. Josh and Penelope take her in and try to make the best of it as their new friend tells them about a bigger group of people that will be waiting outside of the city. Problem is they must fight through the infected to get there. Klein provides hints along the way of what exactly happen to make this wasteland possible and stays away from the term ‘zombies’ or even ‘ghouls’ throughout the film. What interested me was instead of going the way of gore galore the zombie Eye-talian way, John Klein lets his characters and dialogue bring his imaginative brilliant vision to life. Klein’s film succeeds where the highly regarded zombie film “The Dead” failed. He does not rely on the ‘zombies’ or in this film’s case the ‘infected’ to tell the story but the survivors of the fallout of 2019 and how they are still surviving all these years later to tell it. For that I thank you John Klein as you have given me the first horror flick to be on my “best of 2015 list”. I give the independent flick 4 out of 4 stars and info on it can be found at www.therestaredead.com .
Legacy of Thorn (DVD/Vimeo) – Okay horror fans we got a new independent flick from the UK that combines elements of the “Splatterhouse” video game, Jason X steroided look, and leap year. MJ Dixon crafted a story about a group of friends who have been attacked by a supernatural force four years before on February 28th, now four years past and barely surviving the last attack the group of friends capture the supernatural being and to kill it for good. But the local authorities’ break-in on them right before they are to behead the being (Thorn) and gory chaos begins as the unstoppable supernatural force slashes and hacks his way through everyone. Is there way to stop him? Is there a real reason he only comes every four years looking for a singular person? And why does a group of armed personal show up to capture Thorn and we get to see they are a part of “Project Slasher House”? (Which “Slasher House” is another flick from filmmaker MJ Dixon I am now interested in seeing.) All great questions in this fun and crazy over the top supernatural slasher flick. I love this kind of independent horror flicks because it shows vision, fun, and excitement! Maybe Mr. Dixon needs to contact Mr. Steve Rudzinski here in the states about his project “Slasher Hunters” because great minds think alike!!! And for that I give this wonderful project from the UK 3 out of 4 stars and you can find out more about it at www.legacyofthorn.com .
Pernicious (DVD/Vimeo) – Three pretty young woman go to Thailand to “save the world” in their own words. Julia and friends are staying at a nice hut, home, not totally sure what you call it on that side of the world but anyway they get to their place of dwelling and find a freaky ass gold statue of a child. The girls go out and party, pick up some ugly dudes, get drugged, and the three go “all Fred Vogel and Toe Tag Pictures” on these three dumb dudes. The girls wake up like they didn’t sleep to find the statue has gone, their gold jewelry is gone, and the ugly dudes are gone. Not sure of calling the police or what to do but they do decide they need to replace the statue or they will get fucked up. So of course they go visit a witch and she tells them “the statue could be a black market thing”. Never mind the story some old crazy Thai dude keeps trying to tell them about the statue. But apparently it’s not going to end well for Julia and friends as they didn’t pay tribute to this odd statue when arriving. The horror film has its gory moments and believes James Cullen Bressack has made another film that will make a lot of horror fans happy. Be warned my friends there is a gruesome fingernail removal scene, I know some of you will cringe or puke… I have seen it. So keep your eye out for this gruesome flick as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and you can find out more at www.jamescullenbressack.com .
Megaforce (DVD) – Oh I so wanted to see this movie for so long and now that I finally have, I was not disappointed in a film that you could call a prelude to the G.I.JOE cartoon. No shit folks, Barry Bostwick and his hair command an elite force aka Phantom Army that defends freedom all over the world. They are hired by that dude that gave Michael Knight, K.I.T.T. and they need to go fight some commandos led by Henry Silva. But the topper for me was Michael Beck showing up and rides a motorcycle just like the one he does in “Battletruck aka Warlords of 21st Century”. My mind was blown people… They work their ass off to make the filler of the movie interesting but it pays off when Barry Bostwick and his hair are flying on a motorcycle! Believe it as I give this masterpiece of greatness 4 stars.
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