Gross Movie Reviews #475

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Gross Movie Reviews #475

 

Mind Trap (YouTube) – Another Dan Haggerty classic was unearthed from 1989 but oh I was wrong as Mr. Haggerty was much underused in this feature and has the look of being on set for one day. What else doesn’t help is when you go search everybody involved with the film on the Google machine this was pretty much it. Anyway in this weirdo film where a cat is used as a weapon Dan Haggerty plays an agent for this girl Shana. She just happens to be casted in several B-films that she quite enjoys but might have her big break coming. That is all put on hold when her father is killed by the KGB for his mind control research. Shana’s father built a dream room under their house but has only seen it once but the KGB kills the rest of her family trying to get it. Shana plays a weird game of cat and mouse if that is what you wanna call it with the KGB as she uses her movie skills to take them on. This movie is actually very terrible and found myself laughing several times because how bad it gets. Also the film disappointed me greatly as there are very few scenes of Dan Haggerty… I may have to go rewatch “Night Wars” or “The Channeler” as I give this a ½ star.

 

100 Bloody Acres (Shudder) – An Australian film about The Morgan Brothers who make organic manure. These two brothers recently hit it big with a big name client as they have a special formula of manure that involves dead bodies. If roadkill isn’t available any dead human will do. Brother Reg who just picked up a dead body from the side of the road picks up three music festival goers believing he can just drop them off and get with the hot redhead Sophie. Sophie is everything to Reg as she sings the golden oldies and still has some country girl in her. But things go south quickly as both of her boyfriends find the dead body in back, but too late Reg has gotten them to his older brother. Now the only thing in the way is Reg protecting Sophie from being grinded up in the manure by his big brother. One mishap after another result in 80-year old pussy eating, a cop who is best friends with the brothers being shot, and Sophie admitting she actually likes Reg and not the two guys she is with. It’s weird enough and gory enough the film is a very pleasant surprise of a horror film as I give it 3 stars.

 

Deadly Games (YouTube) – Apparently this 80s or 70s slasher but actually thriller has reappeared again for people to watch for free and how it gets you to watch is it stars a young Steve Railsback and the legendary Dick Butkus. Anyhow Billy Owens who just reopened the local town movie theater and a cop Roger Lane got this weird war buddy relationship going on. If that isn’t enough everybody in this west coast town is married and banging everyone else except their spouses to the point I thought I was watching the wrong movie when the pool scene came on. Because everyone is bumping uglies a masked killer who also happens to be a peeping Tom begins killing off people. There really isn’t an ending and this weird movie formula works on some level so if you got some time to kill give this a try as I give it 2 stars.

 

Shazam! (Theater) – Captain Marvel, ha-ha caught you sleep reading… Anyway DC lets this family film out about a 14 year old kid named Billy Batson who becomes a superhero that is strong as Superman because his heart is pure. He is picked by a wizard to carry on the Shazam tradition and defeat the evil power of the Seven Deadly Sins. Billy being a runaway who doesn’t have a family learns what the most important thing is having a family and that helps him defeat the evil Seven Deadly Sins. But what does this have over Batman and recent Superman flicks: it’s funny, interesting, a great origin story and it isn’t Batman or Superman. The sooner DC universe learns you can dig deep into your comic archives without having the big two involved the sooner we can see more cool flicks like “Shazam!”, “Wonder Woman”, hell even “Aquaman”! This is the most family oriented comic book hero film I have seen to date and its great as I give 3 ½ stars.

 

Monster Island (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Just when I thought SyFy Channel turned into the Harry Potter network they pull this Asylum Entertainment project out of their ass that stars Eric Roberts as a Navy general. A giant volcanic monster named ‘Tango’ or giant star fish has risen from the deep depths of the ocean to cause destruction on Earth. But there is a legend of a monster called ‘The Living Mountain’ when brought to life it will kill the giant magma filled starfish. Yes it is their version of the new Godzilla movie but if you enjoy silly shit involving monsters then grab a beer and enjoy Eric Roberts talking to himself as I give it 2 stars.

 

Await Further Instructions (DVD) – This is a post-apocalyptic oddity as it takes place at the holidays. The news keeps reporting strange going-ons with the U.S., China, and Russia like WWIII is about to happen, then blackness. The plot is the son comes home with his Indian girlfriend to meet mum but the family is super racist. Once they figure it is a bad idea it is too late as they wake up early to leave but the house is covered in a black metallic substance and a message on the tele reading “Await Further Instructions”. The family quickly turns on each other as they believe the girlfriend is infected and the father only believes what the tele tells him. What is outside and how to get out is unknown? A super weird flick that has that uneasy “Videodrome” and “The Mist” feeling to it with an ending that will just leave you asking a shitload of questions. I give it 3 stars as your homework assignment is to go watch it report back to me!

Revenge of Billy the Kid (DVD) – If you are looking to fulfill your British film weirdness well this film about the McDonalds on an isolated island will do. These back woods farmers called the McDonalds sell their crops to mainlanders but try to keep to themselves on this island. Well the father McDonald gets all horned up one day walking with his prize goat and yes he makes it his mate! Little time passes as the goat of course gives birth to a mutant. The one young woman Ronnie that lives on the farm gives it the name Billy and tries to take care of it until it runs away. When it is all grown up Billy’s ugly ass comes back for a killing spree of the family! If you need more bestiality in your life this 2 star film is all you.

 

The Perfection (DVD) – A thriller with a couple bizarre well written twists takes place in the music world. A cello artist named Charlotte who was as perfect as god according to her teacher had to leave the famous music training school to take care of her sick mom. A decade passes and a new prodigy has risen named Lizzie. Charlotte tracks her down along with her old teacher to get back in the music world. Lizzie and Char hit it off immediately and head off for a little vacation but Lizzie is not feeling well at all. Lizzie is later found all drugged up on the side of the road by herself and missing something. Without saying too much the film takes a couple turns in the story that you will not expect and quite enjoy the finish. Don’t mind you see some blurred out man meat from Steven Weber it’s all part of the process as I give it 3 stars.

Shed of the Dead (DVD) – Trevor is a man living out his fantasy world in his shed when he isn’t hanging with his buddy Graham playing some Dungeons and Dragons type game. Trevor and the wife don’t get along and he is in between jobs and now the neighbor Kane Hodder wants him evicted for not taking care of his lot. Trevor as Casimir the Destroyer always knows what to do but in the real world Trevor hates life until… the zombie apocalypse hits and Trevor tries to decide should he save his wife and just hang out with his friend Graham who finally was able to leave his house. There is also a couple other fun names in here: Brian Blessed who does voiceover, Michael Berryman which may own the most famous recent death in a movie to become a zombie? (He is dressed as a leather horse with a butt plug, you need to see it just because!), and Bill Mosley as Doc who is excited the zombie apocalypse has happened. It is a clone of “Shaun of the Dead” a bit but don’t let that dissuade you from enjoying this entertaining zombie film that needed more Kane Hodder as the Canadian. For that I give it 3 stars.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Grossfest 2 is coming… July 20, 2019, check our Grossfest Facebook page and www.grossfest.com for details. #grossfest #grossfest2019

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Gross Movie Reviews #357

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Gross Movie Reviews #357

 

By Tim Gross

 

Tombs of the Blind Dead (DVD) – It took me long enough to get around to watching these Spanish zombie flicks but it may have been for good reason as I watch and review all four… and it wasn’t that much fun. But in 1972 filmmaker Amando de Ossorio made a classic in some horror movie fans eyes about ancient knights in that were excommunicated by the church for being warlocks. Apparently hundreds of years these knights were into satanic rituals, cannibalism, etc. Well of course since then the village has been abandoned and no one likes to talk about how villagers went in there fucked all these knights up but the knights believed in immortality. Now people just stay away from the place on principal until a woman decides she jumps off a train and visits the place because she hates her boyfriend. Bells ring, the dead knights rise, death occurs. It also helps apparently when women are being raped in the cemetery also, but who knew? But why are they called the ‘blind dead’? Because when they were excommunicated they had their eyes burned out before death and now hunt or shamble by sound. And did I mention they may or may not have undead horses to track humans down. Interesting concept but boring at times, but this was one those horror flicks I felt I needed to witness no matter what as I give it 2 stars. The uncut version of the film is 15 minutes longer than the US cut and has some scenes even rearranged than the cut version which actually makes more sense for plot purposes in my opinion.

 

Return of the Blind Dead (DVD) – In 1973, Amando was at it again with the sequel that was named “Return of the Evil Dead” in the US and “Mark of the Devil 5” later on in some other countries. The uncut version runs five minutes longer but again the story stays the same about a legend of excommunicated knights that were murderous warlocks and had their eyes burned out. This time a small village nearby celebrates this so-called victory for many years until the dead knights are pissed and come back to slowly stalk the crowd and tear them to shreds. Like my good friend ‘Out of Print Dan’ said, “A remake of the first film just same result”. If it was possible this film maybe was a little more boring but still give it 2 stars.

 

The Ghost Galleon (DVD) – This time around in the third entry Amando thought they would spice up the story line with a legend of a ghost ship of the blind dead at sea. During a PR stunt for a modeling agency two models acting like their boat sucks come across the ghost ship and board it. When they disappear the modeling agency goes out to try to save them soon understand the legend is true: the blind dead are slow, kill humans by sound, afraid of fire, and will eventually fuck everyone up land, sea, or whatever! I give it 1 star.

 

Night of the Seagulls (DVD) – Fourth and last in the ‘Blind Dead’ series this time centers around a new couple who move in a small village on the coastline. Of course strange shit goes down at night like everyone dressed in black and tying up their young women to rocks so they can be a sacrifice for ‘The Blind Dead’. But it takes the couple most of the film to even understands they should have left the village even before the first reel got warm. When the couple saves one of the sacrifices, the villagers take off for ‘the blind dead’ to come in do their thing. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

Stung (On Demand) – A young woman is trying to keep her catering business afloat after her father who ran it had died recently. The young woman and her lone employee are hosting a party to hopefully drum up more business? Well the party doesn’t go well when mutated bees are disturbed and begin feasting on the people and in the process mutating again. It’s up to the young lady, her employee, and the mayor played by the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen! Which by the way, Lance suffers a beautiful and gruesome death nears the end of the film. Killer mutant bees, lots of gruesome death, hilarious dialogue between the two leads, I’m all for it as I give this flick 3 stars.

 

The Channeler (VHS/DVD-R) – Add this to my quest of watching some awesomely bad fun horror flicks as another Dan Haggerty horror film is found. This time around some hikers stumble upon evil spirits in the Colorado Mountains where Grizzly Adams happens to live. But one person in the group of hikers actually knows all about the legends of evil spirits, disappearances, etc., and leads her friends into the madness anyway. Botched sex scenes, bad white people fighting, bad special effects, and a Grizzly Adams joke highlight this fun low budget mess that most normal or abnormal people never knew exists. I give the Grizzly Adams horror flick 2 stars.

 

Jurassic World (On Demand) – The newest in the remake/sequel/it’s not a sequel trend of popcorn summer movies brings back the dinosaurs on a rampage at an island. It’s been twenty years and a billionaire understands today’s generation is stupid and wants bigger, better, and instant gratification. So some scientists splice together some dinosaur DNA and poof AMUSEMENT PARK… again! It has a few nods to the original and I could not help myself being entertained by the fun summer action flick. But the real question for horror fans or just for my retarded self is: Where is my “Carnosaur” remake/reboot/newest sequel Mr. Roger Corman… I’m waiting? I give the flick 3 stars.

 

The Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – Apparently the “Rollerblade” movies by Donald Jackson are like Gremlins and multiply just knowing Tim Gross exists and wants to keep finding them to watch for no other reason to make his podcast buddy Kyle Poling moan and groan! The weird storyline of roller-skating oh excuse me, rollerblading nuns continues as Sister Sparrow has been abducted in the “Wheelzone” by a babbling, wheel chaired bound William Smith’s henchmen. A man is sent to the “Wheelzone” to find her and if he does he is promised a thong wearing, rollerblading, non-samurai sword wielding woman! There is no budget but apparently Mr. Jackson spent all his money on or became good friends with William Smith, Rhonda Shear, Karen Black, Frank Stallone, and Joe Estevez. And he was smart enough to use their footage for a must needed sequel of course. The movie can be quite boring and entertaining at the same time when you have Rhonda Shear as a law enforcement officer and William Smith incoherently babbling about skateboarding and samurais. Mr. Donald Jackson you may have died in the early 2000s but rest assured I will make sure people know about your awfulfantastic films! I give it 2 stars.

 

The Return of Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – The sequel which released a year later is mostly retread/flashbacks with maybe 40 minutes of new footage for the film. Here’s the film in a nutshell: topless women dancing to a bongo player, lots of desert dry humping, slow motion fights with two marauders, and Joe Estevez convinces everyone that all people who are on the ‘dark side’ are hotter looking! BRILLIANTLY BORING AND HILARIOUS AT THE SAME TIME. I give this sequel a ½ star. It’s like watching late night public access programming while drunk.

 

Roller Gator (VHS/DVD-R) – This seem to be the jumping off point for Mr. Donald Jackson as he understood digital video is much cheaper than shooting on film for his projects. Especially since most of this movie takes place in one night (filming wise) at a fair where Joe Estevez has lost his talking purple gator. A blonde beach girl stumbles upon the wondrous talking gator and becomes friends. But they soon are on the run from carnival cops and Uncle Chi Chi (Joe Estevez). The film wasn’t all my hopes and dreams that it could have been but it is entertaining to watch Joe Estevez work a crowd, on camera, at a fair, where most of the crowd looks like they don’t care about drunken Martin Sheen?! I give the film 1 ½ stars.

 

The Sea Serpent (VHS/DVD-R) – This 1984 Spanish creature feature was (Tombs of the Blind Dead Series) Amando de Ossorio’s last film. The military decides to drop a test atomic bomb into the sea which infects a sea creature with radiation. While this huge creature eats people and plastic models two people who have seen it spend 80% of the film proving it exists. Very cheesy flick and wouldn’t have been surprised if this flick made it onto MSTK3000? But thank you for your work Mr. Amando de Ossorio as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Morituris

Morituris (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has found another off the wall horror film that should have gorehounds drooling over. The beginning of the film has some cool animation at the beginning to give a little back story of what is to come. The film is Italian film with English subtitles about three dudes and two women on a trip to a rave in the middle of the woods. Once alone in the woods the three guys really let their intentions known as they go from charming to torturous, abusive, sexually assaulting bastards. But there is a presence watching from afar at all times just waiting for the right moment. The two women find a way to get away in the dark woods and that is when the presence aka undead roman soldiers begin their hunt of the group. From there it’s just a tale of survival for the abused and the abusers. The film claims to be banned in Italy and fan favorite Sergio Stivaletti does the effects. A brutal and glorious horror film that will have horror movie fans talking about for years to come as I give the Eye-talian flick 3 out of 4 stars. The disc doesn’t really have anything to talk about extra wise but well worth the buy as you can purchase the Blu-ray at www.synapse-films.com .

Killer Rack

Killer Rack (DVD/Vimeo) – The talented Gregory Lamberson’s latest project about a woman (Jessica Zwolak) named Betty. Betty has small boobs and at her work place that just isn’t enough to get the promotion she has always wanted. On top of that her fellow workers make fun of her small chest and her so-called boyfriend never wants to be with Betty and her small boobs. Betty after seeing a weird commercial for plastic surgery, seeing her doctor (Lloyd Kaufmann), and having a nightmare that night about her small boobs she decides it is time for a change. She goes to see doctor/evil scientist/plastic surgeon Dr. Thulu (Debbie Rochon) about her problem. The surgery is a success and Betty cannot wait to show off her new boobs at work. She gets the promotion and respect immediately and goes to her boyfriend who finally wants to have sex. But Betty just wants to cuddle and eventually her boyfriend finds out the hard way the drawback of having a girlfriend with big boobs when his hand is eaten off. Betty doesn’t notice it right away and is not too upset by her boyfriend breaking up with her but every time she sleeps her boobs take her body for a walk so they may feast on unsuspecting horny people who cannot take their eyes off her boobs. I could not stop laughing while watching the movie whether it was the inside jokes (detectives Bartles and James, Evil Dead 2 reference, the pictures on Betty’s wall of her and her boyfriend), Lloyd Kaufmann’s office, or Debbie Rochon’s performance as Dr. Thulu. All those things keep the horror comedy “Killer Rack” going but I believe Jessica Zwolak casted as Betty made this horror comedy work out perfectly. Mr. Lamberson I believe this is the best horror comedy of 2015! Debbie, Lloyd, and Jessica were all awesome for this fun project and I thank Mr. Lamberson for putting it all together as I give the flick 4 out of 4 stars. For more info on the flick or where to see it, go to: www.facebook.com/KillerRack .

 

Lizard Man (DVD) – A somewhat boring flick about a kid who encounters a sea creature/bad rip-off of the Gillman 40 years ago. Now, he is a rich dude and has hired some armed militants to track it down and capture it. This way the billionaire can exploit the creature and prove to people it does exist. I give the independent film 2 stars.

 

Cheerleader Massacre 2 (DVD) – So I let this film sit on my shelf for a while before checking it out just because no one could answer me if this was really the sequel to the 2003 film aka Jim Wynorski’s “Slumber Party Massacre 4” aka “Cheerleader Massacre”. Well I got bored and went to the google machine and did two minutes of research and found out even though there is no connection to these films in theory it is considered a sequel to the 2003 film and was released by New Horizons Pictures. Which means it does have a connection… in theory. So “Slumber Party Massacre 5” slipped under the radar and for good reason. It sucked the life out of me and a good plot for either a SyFy Channel film or the next porn film starring Alexis Texas and Peter North. But moving on it is Cheerleader Camp again and the red and blue teams always go every summer until mini UFOs begin slaughtering one of the teams before they even arrive. Once people at the camp who haven’t been topless yet start disappearing people final worried they may have ripped off Tom Sellick and Gene Simmons 1986 “Runaway” flick when robot spiders start fucking people up. No Brinke Stevens, no driller killer, no flashbacks of all the films to kill time which adds up to this movie being dead on arrival and reason for it slipping under the radar or my bad movie radar in general as I give it 0 stars. Someone get Wynorski or Corman on the phone isn’t it time for a reboot? It’s all the rage these days.

 

Bloodmarsh Krackoon (DVD) – Mutated raccoons eating people in the Bronx and someone makes a Steven Seagal reference of getting a police badge also, I’m in! This independent film gets 3 stars just for understanding the humor in the Bronx accent and Seagal having a police badge!

 

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Cinema Wasteland October 2-4, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.cinemawasteland.com for more details on the convention.

Episode 151 and 152 are up for listening pleasures

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episode 151

This week we welcome back JOHN PORTANOVA to the show. We will be talking about his new film VALLEY OF THE SASQUATCH.  And we will also be laughing and discussing our way through 3 more genre movies including THE SENDER, CUT AND RUN, and HARDWARE.  So, if you like Sasquatch and or Bigfoot, pervy midget neighbors, aqua Michael Berryman, or killer robots.  This show is for you.

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

 episode 152

So, while rooting around my computer I stumbled across this artifact recorded last Christmas. What was once lost is now found.  Here we check out ELVES with Dan Haggerty, DEATH WARRANT, with Van Damme, and THE BABADOOK! We also answer all your listener questions and review our watches of the week.  ENJOY!

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/