Gross Movie Reviews #369

By Tim Gross

Garm Wars: The Last Druid (DVD) – A fantasy animation/live action film that stars Lance Henriksen as ‘the last druid’ who may know of a place that puts an end to the war between pacts. The Garm’s motto for so many years no one knows when it started is: fight, die, and download. The last two pacts want the druid as he is all powerful and his power can end the war. But two unlikely allies follow the last druid to an unknown destination wanting more than just constant war. The film also stars Kevin Durand who is getting pretty famous right now for being the smart exterminator fighting vamps on FX’s “The Strain”. Ultra-weird film that cannot be classified but something weird enough to allow yourself to be sucked into the worm hole the film is at least once as I give it 2 stars.

A Night to Dismember (DVD) – An awful slasher film is an understatement. The film was released in 1983 even though it was finished five years before that. This is an example of the stories behind it are way better than the film itself including scenes being done in Doris Wishman’s living room and someone just ruining the editing on purpose. Hell, a book could be written on why the film turned out to be so awful! But anyway Vicki Kent is released from the local asylum after five years and bodies begin to pile up again. If anything everyone should have the chance to do their own commentary to this film? I give this awful film with an unbelievable and interesting backstory as I give it 0 stars. But do yourself a favor and go look this title up and just keep reading it is stories you could not make up if you wanted too.

Monsters (DVD) – Six years ago during a NASA mission a satellite/ship was bringing back signs of alien life that happen to break up during reentry and falling on parts of Mexico. Now present day and half of Mexico has been quarantined as alien life as taken root and both American and Mexican militaries are trying to stop the spread of the monsters. A reporter who just happens to be near the infected zone in Mexico covering it is ordered by his boss to escort the boss’s daughter to the US border if he wants to keep his job. After a night of partying they are robbed and lost their passports. They now have no choice but to travel through the quarantined zone to get home. It’s like “Cloverfield” without the ‘shaking cam’ combined with creatures from “The Mist”. I do agree with most I thought there could be more monsters and maybe a better storyline than these two trying to find themselves in the ‘infected zone’. But the film is worth wasting 90 minutes watching as it’s not a bad alternative compared to some of the recent alien/monster films that have been released. I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

Avengers: Age of Ultron (DVD) – Well Avengers are having a hard time working together in keeping world peace until one of Tony Stark’s creations has gone rogue and has formed ‘Ultron’. The film keeps the storyline moving for all the characters but nowhere near as fun as the first “Avengers” film. It’s filler until the “Civil War” saga just like the “Thor” and “Captain America” sequels. But I know this I will keep watching them as long as they keep making them. I give it 2 ½ stars.

From Parts Unknown (DVD) – We begin with zombies overtaking a small underground facility with lots of screaming and yelling. Then we see a little girl named Charlie watch her father (a masked wrestler) be decapitated in the wrestling ring. The story moves to present time showing Charlie is all grown up and wrestling in PCW under the name “Daddy’s Girl”. She is living her dream and carrying on the tradition of her father but her day job at the evil video game company sucks. As they want world domination with their newly stolen Nano-bots that will take over young minds of gamers make them give the company all their money… supposedly? The Nano-bots would be in this new wrestling game they are about to unleash on the gaming world. The job sucks so bad they fire Charlie which leads her to try suicide (walking in front of oncoming cars) but is save by her best friend. Thus helping Charlie magically finding her wrestling family and with their combine powers must stop the worldwide download and kill all the zombies in and out of the wrestling ring! Chaotic, bloody, it’s from Australia (which usually means horror movie gold to me) and it feels like Peter Jackson’s “Bad Taste” had a movie baby! Yeah the film is a little rough around the edges but will get better with age as I give this amazing fun wrestling/horror film 3 out of 4 stars. You can purchase and find out a lot more about the film at www.alternativecinema.com .

Upsidedown Cross (DVD) – This well-thought out depressing feature is about a young lady named Nadine who is brilliantly played by Erin Russ. Nadine has a modeling career going if that is what you want to call it as her so-called boyfriend Victor shoots her up with drugs so she can have pictures taken of her by dirty old dudes who don’t have cell phones (wait I don’t have a cell phone?). Anyway a gentleman talks her into touching him, sort of? And that’s when Victor and others are being arrested. Nowhere to go Nadine goes back home where mom seems to have lost touch with reality and relies on TV preachers for her medicine to get through the day. Nadine truly wants to kick the drug habit but Nadine and her mom are complete opposites and with great direction Nadine comes off as a dirty cunt rag when arguing with her mom about money, drugs, life. Delaih, Nadine’s mom takes it one step further by calling one of the crazy preacher numbers and they are visited by an older man who claims to be a traveling preacher who travels around the country to stop the devil’s work. The preacher played sadistically by David Yow believes they need to rid Nadine of her demons as she is possessed and this is what makes her a sex and drug addict. Some uncomfortable scenes happen between Nadine and the preacher that leaves Nadine looking more abused than ever but mom only wants to know “Has the demons left you”. The film is a little uncomfortable, depressing, and one of the more interesting films I have watched in recent memory. Erin Russ played the Nadine character perfectly; you hated her and truly feel bad for her in the span of 90 minutes. Loved the fake infomercials they just added to the intensity of the film. Usually I am the guy who watches sequels, zombies, and monster films all day but this film hit a weird nerve in me that made me glad I watched this very dark film. I give the movie 3 out of 4 stars. You can purchase and find out more about the film at www.alternativecinema.com .

Samurai Cop 2: Deadly Vengeance (DVD/Vimeo) – 25 years have passed but according to the head of the Katana the man they have feared but thought was dead has returned and that is Joe Marshall. But first they must contend with Joe’s former partner Frank Washington who is still fighting the good fight against the Katana and the other clans. But what Frank doesn’t know is that the Katana wants it all and willing to start a clan war. Frank investigates the medallions left behind at the murders or fallout from the war and it leads him to Joe Marshall where they talk it out and join forces. But even before they can get off the plane to L.A. they are attacked by the Katana knowing Joe can bring the clan down. Lots of chaotic fights, naked boobs, naked women with swords in dreams, and quite a few weird faces from Frank all leads to Joe Marshall frustrated and wanting to take on the whole Katana lair alone! The film not only has Matthew Karedas and Mark Frazer reprising their roles, but we have independent film legend Joe Estevez as Captain Harmon and legendary cult movie villain, Mel Novak, of Black Belt Jones, Bruce Lee’s Game of Death, Chuck Norris’ An Eye for An Eye and noted actress Laurene Landon of Hundra, Maniac Cop 1 and 2. The film also has a great tagline: They thought he was dead. He was just coolin’ off. This A-grade cheese just like the original and even makes you feel like you are still in the early 90s watching this entertaining flick as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Hunter: Future Cop (DVD/Vimeo) – Ramsey Hunter has issues a lot like this movie. Ramsey has a random serial killer living with him, a trainee of his that has become a cop killer, and Ramsey is being blackmailed. Just when it couldn’t get any worse for the detective almost all government agencies are involved in all his cases now. At best the film is incoherent as Ron Becks tries his hardest to portray a detective role that has been phased out of films. The movie doesn’t make a lot of sense as Becks’ character jumps from scene to scene for no good reason. The “Samurai Cop” sequel has a certain cheese, B-movie quality to it as it does not take itself serious. But this film at times tries to take itself serious but doesn’t have a clue what script it wants to use as the film seems to be five film ideas smashed into one to make a full feature. Sadly I must give this film 0 out of 4 stars.

Old 37 (DVD) – Kane Hodder and Bill Moseley are two brothers who are keeping the tradition of removing accident victims from Ash Pine Road before the real authorities get there. They are only doing what their daddy had taught them long ago, they are paramedics. And that’s where this film completely jumps off the rails and becomes a piece of unwatchable crap. I like Kane and Bill but this seems like a poor choice by their agents or they got paid very well especially since Alan Simthee took the director’s credit. The movie seems like two different projects at times which could explain what’s wrong with it but people stop wasting talent like Kane and Bill in a movie that should have never been made as I give the movie 0 stars.

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Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

Don’t forget you can come by the vendor table I will be at for a book, shirt, or a movie March 4, 5, 6^th, 2016 at Pittsburgh’s Horror Realm Convention (for details: www.horrorrealmcon.com) and Cinema Wasteland April 1, 2, 3^rd, 2016 in Strongsville, Ohio (for details: www.cinemawasteland.com) .