Gross Movie Reviews #349

By Tim Gross

Age of Tomorrow (DVD/SyFy Channel) – It is a cheap “Armageddon” meets “War of the Worlds”, so of course I had to see it but the real question is: Do you? I give it 1 star.

Mad Max: Fury Road (Theater) – What can be said about this amazing movie that hasn’t already been said. I know just thinking about the film gets me a high school boner but anyway it has been 30 years since the last sequel and things have changed script wise, casting wise, etc. But George Miller being undeterred by this process possibly put together the best movie sequel ever made? Oh yes I went there “Aliens”, “Terminator 2”, and “Dawn of the Dead” fans. I believe this film has entered that debate but that is for another time… Max now played by Tom Hardy, perfectly mind you is or has gone completely mad. He has flashbacks, he is afraid of the living and dead but yet there is still an ounce of humanity in him to help people against all odds with his life in the balance. After Max’s narration at the beginning of the film, insanity begins as Max is being chased, captured, escapes, captured again and becomes a blood bag (long story). After that you are introduced to Charlize Theron who apparently has a robotic arm of sorts and has her own plans driving the ‘war rig’ to a different destination. Through incredible stunts, car chases, death, and complete insanity Max rules and explains there is no hope. My best example of what this movie could be summarized is: Imagine George Miller goes I want $150 million dollars to make “The Road Warrior” on steroids! DONE! Toecutter is back, a blind man playing a guitar on top of a rig that shoots flames; the 660 HP police interceptor is back, Tom Hardy has eight lines in two hours of movie, old ladies can ride motorcycles and fuck up your ass from a distance, for the love of Mel Gibson and Tom Hardy this is the movie of 2015 hands down. Now for those of you that are complete asses that a) did not go, b) and the biggest problem claim the movie is 90% CG’d, c) think “Pitch Perfect 2” was a better choice… FUCK OFF! Now if you thought the film was 90% CG’d there is a good chance you are not reading this review or you are my friend at this point. Very few films get me wanting to argue the geek things of films but this film is my line in the sand of writing reviews. What does that mean? Well you can have the opinion that you didn’t like the movie, cool, I understand we can have an intelligent conversation about that shit. But your first line or two that comes out of your mouth is that its 80 or 90% CG’d, please do all of us a favor and stop existing so we have more air, fuel, and electricity for a little longer before the world does become a wasteland! The movie is so bad ass it gets 4 ½ out of 4 stars!  Thank you George Miller.

Samurai Avenger: The Blind Wolf (Blu-ray) – A man who is out with his family by the lake basically has his dream raped and tortured. Several years later a blind samurai is seeking the man, Nathan Flesher, who did this wrong. But the blind samurai must overcome several tests before he even gets in front of Nathan for possibly his final fight of his life. A film that was released in 2009 that is getting the proper treatment from is a fun homage of cinema that became in vogue for a lot of Americans during the late 80s and early 90s of tape trading. The fun flick also has oodles of extras for fans to pore over for many hours. Synapse as usual did a great job on the package and the movie is a must see for “samurai’ fans as to me at least it had the feel of “Six-string Samurai” if it helps? I give it 3 out of 4 stars and can be purchased at www.synapse-films.com .

Interzone (VHS/DVD-R) – A 1987 post-apocalyptic flick that stars a Bruce Abbott fresh off of “Re-Animator” playing a character named ‘Swan’ who may be the savior to some monk named ‘Panasonic’ and his friends who are trying to protect their treasure. Meanwhile a hot looking muscle bound woman wants that treasure and has failed several times to bust through the monk’s force field but knows it is weakening. So it’s up to Swan after his life is saved by Panasonic to stop these weirdos from killing all the monks and taking their treasure. There is a six-wheeler golf cart with cannon on it but it’s never used which is a big bag of bullshit. And if wondering I believe there is an out-of-print region 2 DVD floating around out there as I give it 2 ½ stars. Would have gotten 3 out of 4 stars if Bruce would have be shooting people with that cannon “Sonny Boy” style.

House of the Long Shadows (VHS) – A writer makes a bet for $20,000 he can write a manuscript in a haunted house in 24 hours and it would be called, “Midnight Manor”. Soon John Carradine, Vincent Price, Peter Cushing all show up for a family reunion of sorts knowing the house is being sold and the man buying it shows up and just happens to be Christopher Lee! Plus the family has a deep secret that has been hidden for 40 years. Great concept for 60s or 70s Hammer flick but this is 1983 and those crazy two guys that gave us a bunch of over the top 80s action flicks thought they could make it happen again. Like I said cool concept but even in 1983 let alone watching it now the film just seems out of place and kind of distorted. Any way worth watching just because of the cast as I give it 2 stars.

Shocking Dark (DVD-R/YouTube) – An 1989 Eye-talian flick that was directed by Vincent Dawn aka Bruno Mattei and was at one point titled “Terminator 2” is a combo of “Aliens” and “Terminator” with most of the popular scenes from James Cameron’s “Aliens” ripped off! Venice, Italy has become what is now called “Dead City” as experiments poisoned the water and a deadly cloud sits above the city not allowing humans to live there unless underground. But once contact with ‘Shelter 65’ is lost it is up too Operation: Delta Venice to go in for a rescue and hope it’s not a bug hunt? Scientists fucked up and now they are all mutating and attacking any live humans. All I know someone’s has got sued by 20^th Century Fox and most likely by several other people as I give this weird greatness called “Shocking Dark” 2 stars.

Matango: Attack of the Mushroom People (DVD) – A Toho Production about a ship that gets caught up in a storm and shipwrecks on an island that seems to have no life. While searching for help the small crew finds another large shipwrecked vessel that they find food on and use it as shelter. They also find that scientists were on board doing experiments that eventually went wrong. Now, if you eat the mushrooms you trip your ass off then die or get attacked by mushroom monsters/zombies that make you eat the mushrooms. Weird, creepy, and a little hilarious describe this 1963 flick as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Rollerblade Warriors: Taken By Force (VHS/DVD-R/YouTube) – A very popular title on Rhonda Shear’s “USA Up All Night” stars Kathleen Kinmont who is a pretty blonde actress who became a favorite of horror fans after her roles in “Halloween 4” and “Bride of Re-Animator”. Here Miss Kinmont aka former wife of Lorenzo Lamas is a sword wielding Karin Cross who is protecting a creature or woman of hope or post-apocalyptic nun named Gretchen during their trip across the Wasteland. Gretchen is considered a ‘seer’. Important… Meanwhile some dude in a gas mask and bio-hazard outfit must get a virgin sacrifice for the radioactive creature that roams the refinery that keeps the wasteland town up and running. Reminds me a lot of “When Hell Comes to Frogtown”. The most hilarious part is there are warriors on roller skates trying to skate across the desert but when it becomes fight time they suddenly lose their skates in most scenes and they are foot fighting men and for that I am thankful so no one was getting hurt. I give this senseless but fun movie that only seems to exist because I do 2 ½ stars.

The Walking Deceased (DVD) – A brand new spoof of course on “The Walking Dead” series but incorporates every popular zombie flick most people ever heard of into the plot. A sheriff wakes from his coma looking for his kid Chris, I mean Carl, actually Chris and trying to find this group of people who are hiding in a mall away from zombies. Once they all meet up and they close down the zombie strip club they travel to a farm in hopes of finding salvation. First thirty minutes I was laughing a ton but as most spoofs go on they lose their steam and become your average spoof that you usually never revisit again. But just knowing this exists will most likely piss off “The Walking Dead” hardcore fans which is cool with me. I give it 1 ½ stars.

Butchered (DVD) – A convicted killer/Terrace Skinner aka bootleg Kurt Angle has escaped custody before being sent to the electric chair to death. Meanwhile bootleg Joe Estevez drops his younger brother and friends off at an island in North Carolina for one last weekend of partying before parting for college. Do yourself a favor for a drinking game: Watch this movie and chug a beer or take a shot when you hear a character say “Oh my god, we are all going to die” and you will be dead. I give it 2 out of 4 stars just for having two bootleg characters in an independent flick.

A Bothered Conscience (DVD) – The independent flick begins in 1974 Arkansas where a man has a child with him and shoots another hunter. Soon this becomes a regular thing. Speed up about 20 years and the man is an old guy who is still with the child who is a grown man and is teaching him about killing people who are trespassing. The local sheriff comes out bitching about the 41 unsolved incidents and the old guy doesn’t care but threatens the sheriff’s life. Old guy gets his head blown off after someone is seeking revenge for a relative and now it is up to the son to take care of business. Problem, the grown kid is haunted by those who have been killed by his father. The movie is well-produced but I found myself not nearly interested in it as much I should have been? Different plot or structure it may have kept my interest but it did show the filmmakers have talent or at least an idea of what they want to do and that’s awesome in my book as I give this flick 2 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.midnightreleasing.com .

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