Gross Movie Reviews #355
By Tim Gross
Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Once again there is Sharknados! And they are falling on the whole East Coast and Finn must save many people again. But hey his girl Tara Reid is pregnant and about to burst but first thing is first we must have too many cameos to list and Finn must kill some CGI sharks! This is what the film boils down too: The Hoff and Finn in a space shuttle vs a Sharknado wall. Fun movie but I had a problem with this entry and it’s not so much the movie is bad but getting stale and the social media experiment is over. Oh, let’s not forget most of the sharks films that were on SyFy Channel the same week seem to try incorporate the same stale elements of the original “Sharknado” flick. I call this “overindulging” and believe there will be a price to pay when the fourth flick is released next year? Don’t get me wrong love the idea but I just think it has run its course now as I give it 2 stars even if “The Hoff” is Finn’s dad.
Outhouse (VHS) – Thanks to Rick Fusselman for getting this short film to me as it’s brilliant. One problem it was an investment film made for fun to help promote an engineering and computer design website. “Say again please?” After going through its websites on the box and google search I came across their website that looks like it hasn’t been touched in five years just like the movie. Summary: Imagine “The Deadly Spawn” are in the only outhouse in the woods, fucking amazing. But hey I want to see what else they made and nothing. Love the short film but this pisses me off that they refuse to revisit this greatness. I give it 4 out of 4 stars. And if you are bored start your search on google with spectrumvideo.com.
Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Casper Van Dien, movie made in Dominican Republic, and it’s a Roger Corman presents film, you knew I was watching. Unless you are drunk I do not believe your sober brain could handle how this movie exists. So get drunk and watch the chaos that I laughed the whole way through for the mere reason people think Casper Van Dien still has an acting career or could act? I give it 2 stars.
3-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – It stars Danny Trejo and Rob Van Dam (in socks and sandals) for no apparent reason but those two were the only highlights of possibly the most boring film I ever had the displeasure of watching and I enjoy bad films. But this was a disappointment on all fronts except Rob Van Dam… Dude you are an awesome wrestler but you fucked up with the wardrobe as I give the flick 0 stars.
Lavalantula (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Oh the words could not describe how excited I was for this film existing. There were rumors of a “Police Academy” reunion… but nothing surfaced but then it happened late 2014 I heard there was a SyFy Channel movie that was going to involve as many “Police Academy” members as possible. Cinematic gold my friends! Now I am sure there was too many obstacles to call it a “Police Academy” reunion but just to have them in a movie where Guttenberg and others fight lava-spitting spiders, BRILLIANT! The film stars: Guttenberg, Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrook, Marion Ramsey, Patrick Renna, Nia Peeples, and the man, the myth, the legend, “Jagoff Massacre’s” own MICHAEL VARRATI. Guttenberg plays a washed up actor who has just walked off set driving home to be with his son. But then a volcanic eruption happens and causing devastation around Hollywood area and lava-spitting spiders come rolling out of the Santa Monica Mountains! Pure greatness happens as Guttenberg fights his way home and his wife Nia Peeples helps him get back to the city to rescue his son. Outside of “Sharknado” this one of the best SyFy Channel flicks in years. If anything I could see the cast being rounded up for another SyFy Channel flick… “Sharknado 4” anyone? I give it 3 stars and do yourself a favor and watched the greatness!
Fear Clinic (DVD) – Robert Englund plays Dr. Andover in a story about a doctor that has discovered a way to conquer fear. Not exactly a favorite among doctors with discoveries he keeps to himself and keeps a small clinic open to help people. Some time passes and a few of his patients including Fiona Dourif come back to visit because the visions, fears, dreams are coming back and need help. But Dr. Andover is unsure of himself after losing a patient he thought he made a breakthrough with. The movie caught me off guard as I was guessing it would be a huge shitfest of a horror flick. It wasn’t, as the horror film is kinda creepy and taps into the mind that this stuff could be ongoing today. Worth digging this newer gem up as I give it 3 stars.
Rush Week (VHS/DVD-R) – Its 1988, its Rush Week, so of course there is an unknown slasher out on campus killing all the coeds. Oh let’s not forget the lovely Kathleen Kinmont shows up long enough to get topless and die. But the movie wants you to believe there is several people that could be the killer but like most cool 80s slasher films you figured it out quickly. Especially when everyone in most of the movie talks about what happen a year ago but doesn’t talk about what happens a year ago. All in all it has the boobs, it has the blood, and it’s like a lesser known mixture of “Killer Party” meets “Pledge Night”. This was one of those films that fell through the cracks but I eventually found it and glad I did as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Body Slam (VHS/You Tube/DVD-R) – The mid-80s classic that captures what Rock-n-Wrestling was all about stars Dirk Benedict of “A-Team” fame is a personal manager Harry M. Smilak. But Harry is having tough times until he runs into Quick Ricky Roberts (Roddy Piper) who he thinks is a musical act but is then introduced to professional wrestling. Roberts and his tag team partner The Tonga Kid want to be The Cannibals for the titles but the Captain will not give them the time of day since they refused to sign with them. Funny shit ensues as Smilak also manages a band named “Kick” and has them play a benefit that goes horribly wrong. Once seeing the tag team he manages gets hurt Smilak wants out of the business until he has an idea to combine music and wrestling. The cast includes besides the great Roddy Piper and Dirk Benedict: Tanya Roberts, Captain Lou Albano, Charles Nelson Reilly, John Astin, Sam Fatu, Afa and Sika – The Samoans ( I love those guys back in the 80s), Kellie Martin, Classy Freddie Blassie, Ric Flair, and Bruno Sammartino. Great cast, cheesy story, a match made for film as I give it 4 stars.
The Suckling (VHS/DVD-R) – The movie was known to most as “Sewage Baby” but independent it used both titles when released. This 1989 release is based on the supposedly rantings of a young woman in 1973 that was sent to an asylum quickly after. Think a little “Street Trash” maybe a little “Slime City” fits right in with those cool flicks as a guy takes his girlfriend to a brothel that just happens to be an abortion clinic too. The girlfriend gets drugged and has an unwilling abortion and the fetus is flushed down the toilet. You know wholesome family entertainment. But anyway the fetus has toxic waste leak on it in the sewer and it quickly mutates into this monstrosity that takes over the brothel! It quickly massacres all who are in the brothel except its mother so it can shrink and go back in her vagina. I get so excited just knowing these types of crazy horror flicks exist and the reason why we need more Blu-ray! I give it 3 stars.
Assassination Games (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme and Scott Adkins are two assassins after the same target. One is doing it for revenge and the other for money until they get screwed over and begin fighting every criminal in Romania. With the newer “Universal Soldier” films it has seem to breathe new life in Van Damme’s career and give another a career in Scott Adkins. The film is just another bad ass action film in the recent Van Damme library. I give the film 3 stars.
Conan the Barbarian (DVD/remake) – So I finally made myself watch this lackluster remake. Not that it is a bad film but it’s not good either as it tackles the retelling of the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger. For me at least the film comes off as a SyFy Channel fantasy film than a big block buster it was supposed to be. This time around Crom isn’t mentioned much and Conan fights a more of a sorcerer than a snake priest in James Earl Jones. I go back to why wasn’t Arnold involved and also this just exists kind of like the “Evil Dead” remake. It’s not good or bad but just exists and not very memorable. The movie seem more of a waste now more than ever as there has been a new Arnold “Conan” film announced so we will see what happens as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.
Rock N’ Roll Frankenstein (DVD) – Music agent Uncle Bernie and his nephew Frankie the scientist have an idea. The idea is to put together the next big rock star and Uncle Bernie would own everything. So Bernie sends out an old roadie and his buddies to dig up body parts from all the best rock stars. The only thing missing is the dick! The roadies fuck up and destroy Jim Morrison’s dick by accident and grab Liberace’s cock… cue all the politically incorrect gay jokes. Once the body parts are put together and “the King” is revived he isn’t all about singing the hits. But is coached along and starts to sing about his troubles: unnatural urges. The bigger the singer gets the more torn he is about his sexuality as his cock just wants dirty man butt as the dick eventually develops a voice. Meanwhile Uncle Bernie and Frankie constantly argue what is best for “the King”. An insanely fun politically incorrect horror flick that was able to combine elements of “Re-Animator, Hard Rock Zombies, and Rocky Horror Picture Show”. It is a gorefest to be sure and the band name and song “Unnatural Urges” are the two perfect words to explain Camp Motion Pictures latest DVD release but in a good way. The DVD has the usual extras of a commentary, behind the scenes, trailers but I believe horror fans will be happy knowing this hidden insanity of a horror gem has been restored to its original ratio. So gorehounds rejoice and start ordering as I give the film 3 ½ out of 4 stars. It can be found at: https://www.alternativecinema.com .
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