WE’RE NOT DEAD YET!!!! This week we return to catch up after Kyle returns from a trip to see Tim in Pittsburgh to attend wedding of the century of our good friend and yours Out of Print Dan. That entire aside we will be covering 3 more flicks. The first being a weak ass independent joint called ZILLAFOOT. The second a grand, grand WTF movie from Indonesia called DEMON SWORD. And finally a weirded out Hollywood jam that is still perplexing to Kyle in A CURE FOR WELLNESS. We also talk about what we have been watching, we spin the wheel of time, and we answer your listener questions. All that and such topics as strange giallo titles, John’s upcoming attempt at cinematic suicide as he hopes to try to watch all things Charles Band has ever done, And Kyle pitches his new movie premise for Bonobo Cop… Half Man, Half Monkey… All justice! So download this episode or “I’ll let the monkey’s loose”
Gross Movie Reviews #545
Endangered Species (DVD) – One of horror’s favorite directors Kevin S. Tenney found some time to direct this clone of ‘I Come in Peace’ that stars Arnold Vosloo, Eric Roberts, and John Rhys-Davies. This film was also released in some countries under the title ‘Earth Alien’. Anyway, Sully the detective and others are working on a case where the killer likes to kill but collects victims that are deemed “perfect”. Thus said killer is known as “The Hunter” and Sully must team with “Warden” the good alien to bring this dude down before his killing spree goes global! It is like this 2002 release was a direct-to-video flick that got lost for a decade then showed when everyone forgot it exists as I give the film 2 ½ stars.
Bigfoot (DVD) – A weirdo family flick directed by Kevin S. Tenney in 2009 that has one of the weirdest casts and plot that don’t seem to fit together. Richard Tyson and Angie Everhart are parents to a teenager named Percy who wants to impress the cute girl from school. An event presents itself for Percy to show up the school dropout/bully with the big truck that involves chasing Percy with the truck through the woods. Percy wrecks and the bully believes they (his sidekick and himself) have lost the kid so they turn back. Meanwhile, Percy knocked out gets rescued by Bigfoot who has left his dense forest where no one goes because of wildfires (or at least I think that is why). Percy and Bigfoot of course become friends, hangout together, and Percy at one point has to stand up to the bully with friends to save Bigfoot from the bully. The film is corny and hilariously interesting because it looks like someone from Tenney’s effects crew stole the Bigfoot costume from the ‘Harry and the Henderson’s’ film. This film is not a horror film by any means but a wonderful side trip worth watching for the mere weirdness this flick isn’t that old and never remember hearing about it as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Enemy Territory (DVD) – An Empire Pictures film I never knew existed that stars the likes of Tony Todd, Jan-Michael Vincent, and Ray Parker Jr. (yes, you heard me right). A white insurance dude is sent to the ghetto aka Lincoln Tower to get a signature on a big policy which translates into a huge commission for him. But whitey is in the wrong place at the wrong time because no one no matter what color a person is a gang called “Vampires” run the building! As the Vampires chase whitey through the building, whitey finds help from a telephone repair man who is a jack of all trades and believes this man needs saving. They work down level by level either to avoid the Vampires or find help from a willing resident. The film comes off like a campy siege movie that might not be as brutal as some movies of similar plot but still provides enough entertainment to pour through as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Martians Go Home (DVD) – A late 80s comedy… maybe, which has Randy Quaid as Mark Devereaux: writer and composer of music for commercials, films, TV shows, etc., but haven’t had that big break yet. After Mark heads to the cabin to work on his big time music and he is visited by a Martian as almost every other person on the planet at the same time. The Martians have shown up to create chaos in the world and in a short period they have done that. But what the Martians don’t anticipate is when Mark’s music is played backwards it sends the Martians home. If you enjoy some weird ass Randy Quaid stuff you have found your peak here as I give this feature 2 stars.
Pizza Girl Massacre (DVD) – I was so delighted to get my hands on this as it was one of the originals on my “Massacre list” that I have been trying to get a hold of to watch and review. Funny thing is this feature happens to be a found footage film about a documentary crew who were following a community theatre group who is rehearsing for their upcoming adaptation of “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”. After Jason the director has hit on all the women in the theatre group they decide it is better to rehearse at a cabin in the middle of the woods. The documentary crew of course follows and we get a lot of hilarious weirdness of Jason the director interacting with the rehearsals… But everything changes during the bonding trip when they order pizza and Jason refuses to pay the bill because he claims the pizza is late? Or simply because the odd looking young pizza girl isn’t responding to a shirtless Jason who is still trying to get his grove on with someone! This of course makes the pizza girl disappear only to come back angry, armed with a pizza cutter and then unleash her psycho energy on the actors in the cabin. Best way to describe this fun mess is if ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’ was a found footage film with a pizza girl… Great job of this bloody mess as it was well worth seeking out as I give it 3 stars.
The Creation of the Humanoids (DVD) – A fun post-apocalyptic flick from the 60s where humans are going extinct but believe the robots they built are to blame. But we come to find out the robots are actually trying to help but cannot stop the extinction of humans. Most likely a drive-in favorite as it has that feel to it but for the love of Rutger Hauer stick around for the last ten minutes as the movie gets really heavy. It makes you really think about this plot as gets more interesting than ever has a right to be as I have to give this film 3 stars.
Zillafoot (DVD) – A new independent feature written and directed by Anthony Polonia who uses the Godzilla storyline as the backdrop of this story about Zillafoot. Aliens come to Earth to release a monster to terrorize the humans. As the Army struggles with the fact aliens do exist and now there is a giant monster on Earth that threatens all of human kind, scientists head to the woods to investigate. Bad CGI, dumb military, rubber suit monsters to set up a sequel, and aliens rubbing boob-like computer instruments way too much in this feature are the highlights as I don’t know if they are spoofing Godzilla or paying homage to Godzilla in some weird way. I have seen better from lesser known independent filmmakers as I only could give this difficult film to get through 1 star.
The Last House on Massacre Street (DVD) – Most people that seen this flick in the 70s would know it as ‘The Bride’ but for me I like this title so much more. Barbara is the only daughter of a very rich man who runs a highly successful firm where Barbara’s latest beau (David) works at. Father doesn’t like she is with David and warns her about him but knows Barbara is way old enough to make her own decisions as she has just built a house that fits her personality. Barbara and David quickly get married and David doesn’t even wait to after the wedding day to bang his old fling when Barbara walks in on them during the wedding party. After a scissors incident Barbara disappears for two weeks and then begins her torture of David and his mistress. But what makes this film weird and maybe even like a dreamlike state was Barbara and David dead after the scissors incident and she still haunts him in the afterlife??? Oh yeah kids this movie was surprisingly good even after all these years later as I give this feature 3 stars.
Straight Edge Kegger (Blu-ray) – There is a shitload of extras for those of you enjoy Jason Zink’s film. We are introduced to Brad as he is straight-edge! He hangs out with a group of friends who are of the same belief or what he once thought as he is becoming bored of the “Straight Edge” life. That he and his group are not making a difference and believe maybe it is time for a change. This change slowly happens when Brad becomes friends with a dude named Sean who is into the same music but drinks and smokes weed. Brad tries Sean’s way and begins hanging out with him on a regular basis to the dismay of his former straight edge friends. Then one night Brad goes to a house party and meets a cute young lady named Maybe and the couple connect quickly. But this happiness is short lived as Brad’s former group has decided to crash the party and explain their beliefs in a harsher manner… It is simple, brutal, screwed up, and I like it as I give this bad ass flick 3 ½ stars.
The Day the Earth Stopped (DVD) – C. Thomas Howell writes and directs an Asylum project that someone should have stopped him from making this mistake. Two aliens crash land on Earth and several evil robots show up all over the world and it’s up to a military man in C. Thomas Howell to explain humanity to a hot ass alien babe or the world dies! Apparently Judd Nelson needed a paycheck and stopped in this turd which still didn’t make this boring mess any better as I give it 0 stars.
A Cure for Wellness (DVD) – An odd flick where old rich people go to a magical castle in the Swiss Alps to be cured of something. So Lockhart a young man who just got promoted is tasked with finding his CEO Mr. Pembroke at this place and brings his ass back to New York to sign off on a huge merger. But Lockhart finds much more as there is something about a father/daughter incest plot and people living 200 years longer after a fire. Honestly the movie started off interesting but slowly got dull with not much payoff. Now, I stayed with it to the end but felt like there should have been so much more but that might just be me as I am also not a fan of ‘Hereditary’ but let’s not go back down that rabbit hole as I give this 2 stars.
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