Gross Movie Reviews #357
By Tim Gross
Tombs of the Blind Dead (DVD) – It took me long enough to get around to watching these Spanish zombie flicks but it may have been for good reason as I watch and review all four… and it wasn’t that much fun. But in 1972 filmmaker Amando de Ossorio made a classic in some horror movie fans eyes about ancient knights in that were excommunicated by the church for being warlocks. Apparently hundreds of years these knights were into satanic rituals, cannibalism, etc. Well of course since then the village has been abandoned and no one likes to talk about how villagers went in there fucked all these knights up but the knights believed in immortality. Now people just stay away from the place on principal until a woman decides she jumps off a train and visits the place because she hates her boyfriend. Bells ring, the dead knights rise, death occurs. It also helps apparently when women are being raped in the cemetery also, but who knew? But why are they called the ‘blind dead’? Because when they were excommunicated they had their eyes burned out before death and now hunt or shamble by sound. And did I mention they may or may not have undead horses to track humans down. Interesting concept but boring at times, but this was one those horror flicks I felt I needed to witness no matter what as I give it 2 stars. The uncut version of the film is 15 minutes longer than the US cut and has some scenes even rearranged than the cut version which actually makes more sense for plot purposes in my opinion.
Return of the Blind Dead (DVD) – In 1973, Amando was at it again with the sequel that was named “Return of the Evil Dead” in the US and “Mark of the Devil 5” later on in some other countries. The uncut version runs five minutes longer but again the story stays the same about a legend of excommunicated knights that were murderous warlocks and had their eyes burned out. This time a small village nearby celebrates this so-called victory for many years until the dead knights are pissed and come back to slowly stalk the crowd and tear them to shreds. Like my good friend ‘Out of Print Dan’ said, “A remake of the first film just same result”. If it was possible this film maybe was a little more boring but still give it 2 stars.
The Ghost Galleon (DVD) – This time around in the third entry Amando thought they would spice up the story line with a legend of a ghost ship of the blind dead at sea. During a PR stunt for a modeling agency two models acting like their boat sucks come across the ghost ship and board it. When they disappear the modeling agency goes out to try to save them soon understand the legend is true: the blind dead are slow, kill humans by sound, afraid of fire, and will eventually fuck everyone up land, sea, or whatever! I give it 1 star.
Night of the Seagulls (DVD) – Fourth and last in the ‘Blind Dead’ series this time centers around a new couple who move in a small village on the coastline. Of course strange shit goes down at night like everyone dressed in black and tying up their young women to rocks so they can be a sacrifice for ‘The Blind Dead’. But it takes the couple most of the film to even understands they should have left the village even before the first reel got warm. When the couple saves one of the sacrifices, the villagers take off for ‘the blind dead’ to come in do their thing. I give the film 1 ½ stars.
Stung (On Demand) – A young woman is trying to keep her catering business afloat after her father who ran it had died recently. The young woman and her lone employee are hosting a party to hopefully drum up more business? Well the party doesn’t go well when mutated bees are disturbed and begin feasting on the people and in the process mutating again. It’s up to the young lady, her employee, and the mayor played by the man, the myth, the legend Lance Henriksen! Which by the way, Lance suffers a beautiful and gruesome death nears the end of the film. Killer mutant bees, lots of gruesome death, hilarious dialogue between the two leads, I’m all for it as I give this flick 3 stars.
The Channeler (VHS/DVD-R) – Add this to my quest of watching some awesomely bad fun horror flicks as another Dan Haggerty horror film is found. This time around some hikers stumble upon evil spirits in the Colorado Mountains where Grizzly Adams happens to live. But one person in the group of hikers actually knows all about the legends of evil spirits, disappearances, etc., and leads her friends into the madness anyway. Botched sex scenes, bad white people fighting, bad special effects, and a Grizzly Adams joke highlight this fun low budget mess that most normal or abnormal people never knew exists. I give the Grizzly Adams horror flick 2 stars.
Jurassic World (On Demand) – The newest in the remake/sequel/it’s not a sequel trend of popcorn summer movies brings back the dinosaurs on a rampage at an island. It’s been twenty years and a billionaire understands today’s generation is stupid and wants bigger, better, and instant gratification. So some scientists splice together some dinosaur DNA and poof AMUSEMENT PARK… again! It has a few nods to the original and I could not help myself being entertained by the fun summer action flick. But the real question for horror fans or just for my retarded self is: Where is my “Carnosaur” remake/reboot/newest sequel Mr. Roger Corman… I’m waiting? I give the flick 3 stars.
The Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – Apparently the “Rollerblade” movies by Donald Jackson are like Gremlins and multiply just knowing Tim Gross exists and wants to keep finding them to watch for no other reason to make his podcast buddy Kyle Poling moan and groan! The weird storyline of roller-skating oh excuse me, rollerblading nuns continues as Sister Sparrow has been abducted in the “Wheelzone” by a babbling, wheel chaired bound William Smith’s henchmen. A man is sent to the “Wheelzone” to find her and if he does he is promised a thong wearing, rollerblading, non-samurai sword wielding woman! There is no budget but apparently Mr. Jackson spent all his money on or became good friends with William Smith, Rhonda Shear, Karen Black, Frank Stallone, and Joe Estevez. And he was smart enough to use their footage for a must needed sequel of course. The movie can be quite boring and entertaining at the same time when you have Rhonda Shear as a law enforcement officer and William Smith incoherently babbling about skateboarding and samurais. Mr. Donald Jackson you may have died in the early 2000s but rest assured I will make sure people know about your awfulfantastic films! I give it 2 stars.
The Return of Roller Blade Seven (VHS/DVD-R) – The sequel which released a year later is mostly retread/flashbacks with maybe 40 minutes of new footage for the film. Here’s the film in a nutshell: topless women dancing to a bongo player, lots of desert dry humping, slow motion fights with two marauders, and Joe Estevez convinces everyone that all people who are on the ‘dark side’ are hotter looking! BRILLIANTLY BORING AND HILARIOUS AT THE SAME TIME. I give this sequel a ½ star. It’s like watching late night public access programming while drunk.
Roller Gator (VHS/DVD-R) – This seem to be the jumping off point for Mr. Donald Jackson as he understood digital video is much cheaper than shooting on film for his projects. Especially since most of this movie takes place in one night (filming wise) at a fair where Joe Estevez has lost his talking purple gator. A blonde beach girl stumbles upon the wondrous talking gator and becomes friends. But they soon are on the run from carnival cops and Uncle Chi Chi (Joe Estevez). The film wasn’t all my hopes and dreams that it could have been but it is entertaining to watch Joe Estevez work a crowd, on camera, at a fair, where most of the crowd looks like they don’t care about drunken Martin Sheen?! I give the film 1 ½ stars.
The Sea Serpent (VHS/DVD-R) – This 1984 Spanish creature feature was (Tombs of the Blind Dead Series) Amando de Ossorio’s last film. The military decides to drop a test atomic bomb into the sea which infects a sea creature with radiation. While this huge creature eats people and plastic models two people who have seen it spend 80% of the film proving it exists. Very cheesy flick and wouldn’t have been surprised if this flick made it onto MSTK3000? But thank you for your work Mr. Amando de Ossorio as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Morituris (Blu-ray) – Synapse Films has found another off the wall horror film that should have gorehounds drooling over. The beginning of the film has some cool animation at the beginning to give a little back story of what is to come. The film is Italian film with English subtitles about three dudes and two women on a trip to a rave in the middle of the woods. Once alone in the woods the three guys really let their intentions known as they go from charming to torturous, abusive, sexually assaulting bastards. But there is a presence watching from afar at all times just waiting for the right moment. The two women find a way to get away in the dark woods and that is when the presence aka undead roman soldiers begin their hunt of the group. From there it’s just a tale of survival for the abused and the abusers. The film claims to be banned in Italy and fan favorite Sergio Stivaletti does the effects. A brutal and glorious horror film that will have horror movie fans talking about for years to come as I give the Eye-talian flick 3 out of 4 stars. The disc doesn’t really have anything to talk about extra wise but well worth the buy as you can purchase the Blu-ray at www.synapse-films.com .
Killer Rack (DVD/Vimeo) – The talented Gregory Lamberson’s latest project about a woman (Jessica Zwolak) named Betty. Betty has small boobs and at her work place that just isn’t enough to get the promotion she has always wanted. On top of that her fellow workers make fun of her small chest and her so-called boyfriend never wants to be with Betty and her small boobs. Betty after seeing a weird commercial for plastic surgery, seeing her doctor (Lloyd Kaufmann), and having a nightmare that night about her small boobs she decides it is time for a change. She goes to see doctor/evil scientist/plastic surgeon Dr. Thulu (Debbie Rochon) about her problem. The surgery is a success and Betty cannot wait to show off her new boobs at work. She gets the promotion and respect immediately and goes to her boyfriend who finally wants to have sex. But Betty just wants to cuddle and eventually her boyfriend finds out the hard way the drawback of having a girlfriend with big boobs when his hand is eaten off. Betty doesn’t notice it right away and is not too upset by her boyfriend breaking up with her but every time she sleeps her boobs take her body for a walk so they may feast on unsuspecting horny people who cannot take their eyes off her boobs. I could not stop laughing while watching the movie whether it was the inside jokes (detectives Bartles and James, Evil Dead 2 reference, the pictures on Betty’s wall of her and her boyfriend), Lloyd Kaufmann’s office, or Debbie Rochon’s performance as Dr. Thulu. All those things keep the horror comedy “Killer Rack” going but I believe Jessica Zwolak casted as Betty made this horror comedy work out perfectly. Mr. Lamberson I believe this is the best horror comedy of 2015! Debbie, Lloyd, and Jessica were all awesome for this fun project and I thank Mr. Lamberson for putting it all together as I give the flick 4 out of 4 stars. For more info on the flick or where to see it, go to: www.facebook.com/KillerRack .
Lizard Man (DVD) – A somewhat boring flick about a kid who encounters a sea creature/bad rip-off of the Gillman 40 years ago. Now, he is a rich dude and has hired some armed militants to track it down and capture it. This way the billionaire can exploit the creature and prove to people it does exist. I give the independent film 2 stars.
Cheerleader Massacre 2 (DVD) – So I let this film sit on my shelf for a while before checking it out just because no one could answer me if this was really the sequel to the 2003 film aka Jim Wynorski’s “Slumber Party Massacre 4” aka “Cheerleader Massacre”. Well I got bored and went to the google machine and did two minutes of research and found out even though there is no connection to these films in theory it is considered a sequel to the 2003 film and was released by New Horizons Pictures. Which means it does have a connection… in theory. So “Slumber Party Massacre 5” slipped under the radar and for good reason. It sucked the life out of me and a good plot for either a SyFy Channel film or the next porn film starring Alexis Texas and Peter North. But moving on it is Cheerleader Camp again and the red and blue teams always go every summer until mini UFOs begin slaughtering one of the teams before they even arrive. Once people at the camp who haven’t been topless yet start disappearing people final worried they may have ripped off Tom Sellick and Gene Simmons 1986 “Runaway” flick when robot spiders start fucking people up. No Brinke Stevens, no driller killer, no flashbacks of all the films to kill time which adds up to this movie being dead on arrival and reason for it slipping under the radar or my bad movie radar in general as I give it 0 stars. Someone get Wynorski or Corman on the phone isn’t it time for a reboot? It’s all the rage these days.
Bloodmarsh Krackoon (DVD) – Mutated raccoons eating people in the Bronx and someone makes a Steven Seagal reference of getting a police badge also, I’m in! This independent film gets 3 stars just for understanding the humor in the Bronx accent and Seagal having a police badge!
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