Gross Movie Reviews #327

By Tim Gross

Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Robert Carradine finds a way to make a mutant barracuda into a military weapon and Sharktopus just happens to thaw out from a glacier for a fight to the death between these titans. Movie has a few unintentional laughs and Robert Carradine plays a complete dick throughout the film which makes it watchable as I give 2 stars.

Tales From the Crypt (DVD/You Tube) – Over 40 years later this anthology still lays the ground work for makes a great anthology. The film is based on the dark EC Comics that later became a HBO series and inspired “Creepshow” before it stars the likes of Peter Cushing, Joan Collins, and Ralph Richardson. Some people decide to take a tour of some catacombs and five of them get lost and come upon a man who asks them to sit as he tells those stories of their recent lives. Afterward the five would like out of the mysterious cave but soon understand this is just a gateway to hell for what they have done in their past. It’s creepy and beautiful at the same time and definitely a flick to show horror newbies as its rated PG! I give the classic flick 4 stars.

The Woman in Black (DVD) – So it took me a while but I finally sat down to watch Harry Potter in this creepy ghost story from the new Hammer Productions. Harry Potter is widower who just happens to get a job that sends him to a small town that has a legend of ghosts, witches, and where little kids disappear to wrap up an estate. Things are completely weird soon as he sets foot there as the locals don’t want him going to the home and digging up the past. Wonderful story building with some creepy ghosts make this an excellent choice of horror if you are looking for less gory? I give the flick 3 stars.

Devil’s Playground (DVD) – A UK zombie flick made a couple years ago where a product makes it past animal trials to human trials and is given to 30000 people. Within two months 29999 become deathly ill, bleed from the eyes, go crazy, then death. But one girl that had the test drug is not phased and a mercenary is hired to find her before this epidemic breaks out as now the test subjects that have died are now becoming acrobatic zombies that jump, somersault, and fly everywhere as they attack their victims. If you can get past some zombies die from a single shot and others die after having full clips shot into their heads you’ll enjoy this flick. This zombie film seems to be more of a bloodier version of “Resident Evil” in some ways as I give it 2 stars.

Universal Soldier: The Return (DVD) – Jean-Claude Damme is back with no Dolph Lundgren in this 1998 sequel has Luc Devereux as advisor to the Universal Soldier program. But when the super high tech computer helping Luc and others to control the Universal Soldier program and gets wind of the program being shut down the super computer wants to evolve and takeover humanity. The film also stars Michael Jai White and Bill Goldberg in what sounded good on paper but when it was put to film it just happen to be one of the death nails in Jean-Claude’s Hollywood career for next few years. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

The Golden Child (DVD) – A comedy starring Eddie Murphy in his prime as a man who finds missing children. The rest of the cast is rounded out with other cool veteran actors in Charles Dance, Randell “Tex” Cobb, Victor Wong, James Hong, and even wrestler Tiger Chung Lee! Murphy’s character is approached by a young woman who explains that a special child, ‘the golden child’ has been kidnapped from Tibet and brought to the U.S. and needs to be found before he is sacrificed to a higher power. Eddie isn’t sure about the child and thinks its bullshit until he has some odd dreams, talks to a demon (Charles Dance), and some strange Asian dudes in the words of Eddie Murphy try to kill him any chance they get. So Murphy’s character travels to Tibet to get a special knife to trade for the child from his brother Numpsy! I pretty much laughed my balls off watching this flick as it has a lot of great one-liners like “Commando”. I give the flick 3 stars.

Riddick (DVD) – Picking up from the lackluster sequel “The Chronicles of Riddick” and surprising me that there would ever be another movie with such an interesting character as Riddick. Riddick is trapped on a planet trying to survive but wants off cause he believes it’s time to go back home. Instead of trying to expand the Riddick universe as they did in the second film they go back to focusing on Riddick and having fun with the character in this sci-fi adventure. Riddick finds a camp with no one at so he hits the distress call and soon many mercenaries show up. Problem is they are too busy fighting over each other as who is going to capture Riddick rather than worrying about why Riddick got them to come there in the first place. Soon a storm is coming and just like “Pitch Black” that is when the film is a lot of fun. Good flick but believe the film before kinda killed any cool stuff this series could have been? But I do hope somewhere along the line Vin Diesel does another one as it can be fun sci-fi horror for all, I give the flick 2 ½ stars.

Red 2 (DVD) – Bruce Willis and pals are in trouble again as someone has leaked some information about secret project in Russia in 1979 involving John Moses. The only person that actually knows about what exactly that took place is a man that just so happens to be dead or thought he was dead and now found imprisoned for the past 30 years with only his thoughts of how he is going to get revenge. But the real reason comes to light after he is loose and gets away from Moses is he came up with a bomb that has red mercury which is untraceable. The sequel has its moments but nowhere near as much fun as the first flick as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Stand By Me (DVD/Theater) – Going to see this movie again based on a Stephen King story I forgot how funny and how good this movie is about friends on a journey to see a dead kid. It begins with them wanting to see the dead kid Ray so they become famous in 1959 but once getting there and sharing all the events they had happen to them the kids decided no one should try to get famous off of someone dying the way he did. Four friends who are at the edge of becoming teenagers and about to go into junior high all have great backstories that sucks into their world. They find out from a couple older kids who boosted a car that they know where the missing kid is and they were unsure if they should tell their friends about it. And that is where the four kids’ journey begins… It’s one of those perfect movies you tend to forget all who starred in which nowadays would have had a budget of 250 million because of all the names but also you forget how funny but interesting all the characters in the film are? With that I give it 4 stars and start chanting “Lard ass, Lard ass, Lard ass!” until he starts puking pie all over the place.

Dead Before Dawn (DVD) – A hilarious zombie film starring Christopher Lloyd who needs his grandson to watch his store “The Occult Barn” so he go receive his lifetime achievement award. Problem is his grandson saw his father die in the store 15 years ago and has been scared shitless of everything since. On a whim he the grandson decides to help out Lloyd’s character and watch the store but everything goes to hell when friends come by and he drops a skull shaped urn that unleashes an evil that turns all the people they look at into zimens! Half zombie, half demon and the people commit suicide first before they change. And if you French kiss a zimen it becomes your slave. Oh one more thing if you do not fix the urn before dawn it will be hell on earth forever. What seems corny and possibly horrible at first glance is actually really good and worth giving a chance as it breathes a little more life into a very saturated zombie genre! I give it 3 ½ stars. And Christopher Lloyd is still one of my favorite actors.

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