Tag Archives: Secret Santa

Gross Movie Reviews #595

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Project Wolf Hunting (On Demand) – Once again Asian horror fucking rocks! This blend of “Con-Air”, “Dead Alive” splatter, with a glass of “The Raid” and “Captain America… sort of” is a Korean flick that has a group of dangerous criminals being transported by ship from the Philippines to South Korea. All the doors have been taken off to the rooms so each convict can be watched by the authorities going along for the ride. Of course there is a plan in place for the convicts to escape but what they are not counting on is the super-secret experiment hanging out in the bottom of the ship that only a doctor who is there for a bundle of cash knows about. This secret is known as “Alpha”! Once the escape and takeover begins it’s a wonderful war between cops and criminals until the “Alpha” has awakened by some human blood dripping down below (believe me just watch because it’s bad ass what happens next). This experiment is awake and pissed off as it is not picking sides. Hell a dude gets beaten with his own arm as this film sports possibly the most gore since “Dead Alive” if not more? Bottom-line: The Alpha doesn’t get old, very hard to kill, and has the strength of five men and he can smell your ass! What turns out from large scale takeover turns to a movie about survival as the movie explains a few things in the second half so stick with it. Most likely there won’t be a bigger splatterfest in 2023 but I was not impressed with the ending and felt it hurts the overall product as I give the film 3 ½ stars.  

The Amityville Quilt Store (YouTube) – Yes indeed kids I have found entry #45 and it’s a short film (thank our lord Rutger Hauer) about two dudes who make the mistake of visiting the Amityville General Store. For one of the unfortunate friends they find out the hard way the antiques there must feed as I give the short film 2 ½ stars.

The Strange Possession of Mrs. Oliver (DVD/YouTube) – The great Karen Black plays your normal housewife of George Hamilton in this 1977 TV movie. Karen’s character is stuck in normalcy until she begins to have dreams and visions of a woman who died a few years back. Without giving too much away as I liked the little twist in this film between Black’s performance and the 45 year old film still having a spooky charm to it this is more than worth seeking out as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Satan Lives! The Rise of the Illuminati Hotties (Blu-ray) – Sean Donohue and crew bring together what is supposed to be a lost film that was shot in 1992 by two filmmakers who set to interview and follow the leader of the Satanic church, Richard Lemeau. While gathering info on the satanic leader it’s quickly learned that there are some within the ranks that have their own plans that include world domination. Richard comes off in this documentary lost tape thingy as someone trying to run a legit alternative church but if Patricia’s plan goes off as planned she will be in charge of the Illuminati and the satanic church! This movie swims in the sea of sleaze and fun but has a few flaws such as the stripper dance routine going way too long to possibly pad running time? I did enjoy seeing the Dingo Pizza commercial from Maddie Deering’s “Spirit Animal” flick. So if you are not into films that flirts with the line between good taste and fun sleaze this is most likely not for you but I still give it a solid 2 ½ out of 4 stars for those who are fans of the talented Sean Donohue.

Bloody Bloody Bible Camp (DVD) – A 2012 Indy project that begins at Happy Day Bible Camp in 1977 where campers get massacred by a person of the cloth (supposedly) and it stars Tim Sullivan, Ron Jeremy, Jeff Dylan Graham and the great Reggie Bannister. Now seven years later Reggie as Father Cummings and a survivor of the massacre head to the camp for a fun retreat for the parish of young people. Once settled in the campers are again victims of Sister Mary Chopper as the legend goes. The movie has a few hilarious moments for an Indy slasher but this project always makes me wonder if Rick Fusselman would have finished his project “Bible Camp Massacre” which was in pre-production at the same time of this film what would have Indy horror fans preferred? Anyway go check it out as I give it 2 stars.

Robo Vampire 2: Devil’s Dynamite (DVD/YouTube) – More jumping vampires, clumsy ninjas, a rando spacesuit dude that looks like an extra from an early 70s Godzilla film fill up this sequel to one of the more bizarre films I ever watched? All I know everything is Steve Cox’s fault in this film and there is a shadow warrior running around trying to put an end to the evil. But again it is Steve Cox’s fault because of someone’s sister being the “Queen of the Underworld”. If you sense disappointment in my review then you right because they went away from the dude being in an aluminum foil Robo suit and the mechanical noises they make off screen for the suit. Damn pieces of shit ruining a good gimmick as I can only give this 1 star.

Robo Vampire 3: Counter Destroyer (DVD/YouTube) – This time around we get two screenwriters in Cindy and Joyce who want peace at a hideaway in the mountains of China so they can work on this hot project about the “last emperor of China”. While the bumbling duo are busy waking evil spirits up, we got some sketchy mob shit going down between film companies and a woman named Jackie just killing off mob dudes left and right. A weird and confusing movie that eventually brings back the Robo suit but not till late into the second half of this oddity called a film. It was a little better than part 2 as I give it 1 ½ stars but no one near as entertaining as the original “Robo Vampire”.

Nailbiter (DVD) – An early short film from the people of Witch Doctor Films that I have had the pleasure of reviewing several of their projects over the years. This unique group’s early work is about a young woman taking an experimental drug for her cancer and it fails… maybe? Problem, the medical facility covers it up when the angry husband comes sniffing around as he cannot live without his beautiful wife and even consults a magic man he doesn’t believe in. It’s a great chilling and dark Indy tale of when you cannot leave the dead to stay dead. The early work is rough around the edges but you can clearly see the talent is there for the Witch Doctor Films crew as this was a fun ride down the rabbit hole to see their early work as I give it 2 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

Found Footage: The Series (DVD) – A project created by Indy legend Henrique Couto that has eight tales of found footage segments that run from 24 to 27 minutes. The eight stories are about strange occurrences and told uniquely through an influencer’s phone, Skype or Zoom, random camera footage, computer files, damaged hardrives, a RING doorbell, and an old broadcast from 1986 that was never meant to be seen. I am not a huge fan of ‘found footage’ stuff but will say the segment “Ding Dong” had my interest as a)it was told mostly through a RING doorbell on an empty house but also b) the relationship the character develops with the house night after night seeking to burglarize it??? Put it this way I am surprised I haven’t heard more about this project as it seems to fit what society is doing these days as I give the project 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Homecoming Massacre (DVD/Tubi) – Our story begins with why you shouldn’t have clowns for a kid’s birthday party no matter what… Apparently also dudes don’t dress as the clown and get all rapey with mum? Anyway Jonathan kills both of them and gets put away in various facilities for ten years until a cousin or something of the family, “The Clarks” who have their own issues take him in. Of course things seem good so hey let’s leave our teenagers alone with the crazy murderer who killed his mum n’at ten years ago so the teenagers can have a party. Yep, this makes total sense for a lackluster ‘massacre’ flick that all you need to know its always the clowns fault as I give it 1 star.

Christmassacre (DVD/Tubi) – Which is a horrible title by the way which took me about five minutes to realize this is a movie from a few years back that Wild Eye Releasing renamed from its original title “Secret Santa”. Okay Wild Eye Releasing two things before we move on: first, do not be like some companies (let’s leave them unnamed for now) that rename films to get horror fans especially Indy horror fans to pay twice for the same movie when that is a little unoriginal and boring. Second, “Christmassacre”?! WTF?! What would be so wrong with “Secret Santa Massacre” if you are going that route anyhow? Back on track kids as we have a fun Indy horror flick about some college girls who live off campus and every year have a Secret Santa party after finals. This year someone is taking the Secret Santa thing a little too far as they plan on slaughtering all who is a part of this event? Weird thing about this up and down little horror film is the characters are very likable and actually help slosh through the dull parts of the film. Also pay attention to the cucumber and what happens to it as it has nothing to do with a dude getting his dried sausage of a wiener getting snipped off! Oddly enjoyable as the best thing I can say about this film as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Pennywise: The Story of IT (DVD/Tubi) – A wonderful documentary that looks back at this two part TV movie that was memorable for the horror fans but also changed the way TV movies were looked upon. If you were around when this was first released or just a nerd of this film before the remake ever existed this is a well worth watch as it does a deep dive into characters, process of it from book to the small screen, and the interviews and stories of behind the scenes stuff that may explain why part two sucked. Yes folks, they spend some time on what went wrong! Great way to waste two hours kids if you are a huge nerd for the film or just a fan of Tim Curry as I give it 4 stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #492

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Gross Movie Reviews #492

 

Rambo: Last Blood (On Demand) – So it seems this is the last entry into a wonderful action series starring Sly Stallone. To be honest it is hard to top the last film in the series as it maybe my favorite for the crazy gore and just get to the good parts kind of flick. This time around John Rambo has supposedly made peace with his past and taken over the family farm just doing his thing. If yinz consider building tunnels under property a normal thing? But Rambo’s niece needs to see her father before she heads off to college and heads into a bad part of Mexico. One of her childhood friends who moved back there sell her out to a cartel that deals in the sex slave trade and that is when Rambo makes it his business to go get her. Spoiler alerts my friends… She dies on the way back that causes Rambo to prepare for war and pretty much took out a whole Mexican cartel with his resourcefulness if that is a word and his tunnels. I personally didn’t like this nearly enough as some others did but it is a “Rambo” film and you get what you pay for and that is Rambo fucking people up as I give it 3 stars.

 

Dismembering Christmas (DVD) – It kills me to talk about this film because the trailer for this independent holiday film had promise but that turned to disappointment once I was no more than twenty minutes in. Young friends get together at a remote cottage for the Christmas holiday instead of spending it with family. Throw away characters show up to tell the group they are basically doomed because of a murder or two that happened a few years ago but of course ignore it. From there the supposed slasher movie is dull and makes you root for the characters to be killed off quickly so you can move on to something else worthy of your time. The film raises so many questions of what is actually going on let alone none of the characters are very likable. I don’t blame the actors as much as I blame the person or persons behind the script as they didn’t have much to work with. It kills me to be this harsh to this independent flick but this was an utter disappointing crap fest that I want to forget as I give it 0 stars.

 

Spill (DVD) – Need more Brian Bosworth in your life then begin your search with this lesser known environmental-action flick from the mid-90s? Yinz may have seen it listed on several apps or channels as “Virus” as the other dozen flicks of the same name. Bosworth plays an ex-football player who now leads the secret service. The ‘Boz’ soon finds himself a part of a deadly germ virus cover up when he is scouting out a location for the president. A truck with a renegade driver crashes in the woods causing a spill that could poison everyone but the president is convinced it is in his best interest to cover it up as quickly as possible. Boz being the good man he is cannot let this go as he seen people die from the spill and tries to convince anyone and everyone this was wrong and covered up by the president as I give it 3 stars.

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter (DVD) – You that feeling of tripping up on an awesome small budget flick you feel no one knows about? Well yinz need to get yourself viewing this wonderful throwback to the late 50s, early 60s creature feature. The filmmaker has a history of shooting films in black and white and looking like they take place several decades ago. And kudos to that crazy bastard because he is good at it! A man shows up in a small town called New Berlin looking for a doctor he knew from the war. But the man is very cautious to let anyone know any other details. John becomes quick friends with a Ms. Schmidt at the diner and they both help each other out. But John’s secret stops romance from budding as when he is angered or sees red he turns into a WERESQUITO! John was experimented on during the war and this transformation is what causes him to search for the doctor that ruined his life. Film buffs everyone rejoice and track this bad boy down as it will not disappoint as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Bad Times at the El Royale (DVD) – Too fucking long and would have been so much better if it played out like some crazy lost ‘X-files’ episode. I give it 1 star for having Jeff Bridges play a priest… sort of.

 

Brainstorm (DVD) – A very weird ass movie that stars Christopher Walken who is trying to help explore new forms of communication through a weird brain contraption. This seem more enjoyable when I watched it as a kid on HBO but over 30 years later the film really doesn’t entirely a whole lick of interesting sense as I give it 1 star.

 

Channel 13 (DVD) – A very limited edition DVD/Blu-ray that is a lost film or anthology in this case from the Polonia Brothers that was never finished and never released. Mark Polonia goes into the reason for its release and how it was unearthed as you get to see a project from their early days. It is a couple of stories being told with a wraparound that was recently shot as they never finished what they originally started. A fun project to check out if you are a big independent film fan, if not you just won’t get the early days of the Polonia Brothers as they were one of the pioneers of Independent Cinema. I give this lost project 3 stars.

 

Deadly Games (Shudder) – A 1990 French film that can be found under the title “Dial Code: Santa Claus” is much like a French version of “Home Alone” with a creepy hobo. A rich kid named Thomas still believes in Santa and just like most children that believe he wants to prove to friends he does exist. So through an early version of the internet he contacts Santa but it just happens to be a random hobo. A random hobo who happens to be a toy store Santa for five minutes and gets fired by Thomas’ mum after he was about to go ape shit on a little girl. Instead random hobo finds out there is a Christmas delivery going to Thomas’ home and takes it in person. From Thomas must not only defend himself but protect his almost blind grandfather from the crazy hobo who wants to kill! Weird, kind of fucked up, and the kid has a killer mullet. In my book this film is well worth a watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Necrotronic (Shudder) – Thank you to Shudder again for finding random crazy Australian horror films! Apparently since the beginning of time there have always been demons and necromancers fighting especially when the demons started possessing humans. Now some evil bitch has figured out a way to go super high tech and possess a million souls all at once. Meanwhile a guy named Howie who collects poo for a living with his bud is the savior of the necromancers. It all starts when his buddy instead collecting poo is playing a game on his phone that has you collecting ghosts. This is how evil is gonna possess everyone. Weird shit happens with the game and Howie, next up enter the demons who want his soul because the evil mastermind behind the grand plan is his mother… sort of. Oh, did I mention there is a 3-D printer for souls, watch the movie you’ll understand as I give this fun ghost adventure 3 stars.

 

Secret Santa (DVD) – So I tracked down another low budget holiday flick that has college girls and their party being haunted by a “Secret Santa”. Okay let me explain, a masked person leaves them a Secret Santa gift and then they die because they are obsessed with the web cam model that shoves cucumbers into her lady parts. Again it kills me I really like to enjoy these flicks but this was more disorienting than a fun low budget holiday slasher it could have been as I give it 1 star. Bottom-line don’t threaten a killing spree unless you are going to actually give me one.

 

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!