Gross Movie Reviews #492

 

Rambo: Last Blood (On Demand) – So it seems this is the last entry into a wonderful action series starring Sly Stallone. To be honest it is hard to top the last film in the series as it maybe my favorite for the crazy gore and just get to the good parts kind of flick. This time around John Rambo has supposedly made peace with his past and taken over the family farm just doing his thing. If yinz consider building tunnels under property a normal thing? But Rambo’s niece needs to see her father before she heads off to college and heads into a bad part of Mexico. One of her childhood friends who moved back there sell her out to a cartel that deals in the sex slave trade and that is when Rambo makes it his business to go get her. Spoiler alerts my friends… She dies on the way back that causes Rambo to prepare for war and pretty much took out a whole Mexican cartel with his resourcefulness if that is a word and his tunnels. I personally didn’t like this nearly enough as some others did but it is a “Rambo” film and you get what you pay for and that is Rambo fucking people up as I give it 3 stars.

 

Dismembering Christmas (DVD) – It kills me to talk about this film because the trailer for this independent holiday film had promise but that turned to disappointment once I was no more than twenty minutes in. Young friends get together at a remote cottage for the Christmas holiday instead of spending it with family. Throw away characters show up to tell the group they are basically doomed because of a murder or two that happened a few years ago but of course ignore it. From there the supposed slasher movie is dull and makes you root for the characters to be killed off quickly so you can move on to something else worthy of your time. The film raises so many questions of what is actually going on let alone none of the characters are very likable. I don’t blame the actors as much as I blame the person or persons behind the script as they didn’t have much to work with. It kills me to be this harsh to this independent flick but this was an utter disappointing crap fest that I want to forget as I give it 0 stars.

 

Spill (DVD) – Need more Brian Bosworth in your life then begin your search with this lesser known environmental-action flick from the mid-90s? Yinz may have seen it listed on several apps or channels as “Virus” as the other dozen flicks of the same name. Bosworth plays an ex-football player who now leads the secret service. The ‘Boz’ soon finds himself a part of a deadly germ virus cover up when he is scouting out a location for the president. A truck with a renegade driver crashes in the woods causing a spill that could poison everyone but the president is convinced it is in his best interest to cover it up as quickly as possible. Boz being the good man he is cannot let this go as he seen people die from the spill and tries to convince anyone and everyone this was wrong and covered up by the president as I give it 3 stars.

Weresquito: Nazi Hunter (DVD) – You that feeling of tripping up on an awesome small budget flick you feel no one knows about? Well yinz need to get yourself viewing this wonderful throwback to the late 50s, early 60s creature feature. The filmmaker has a history of shooting films in black and white and looking like they take place several decades ago. And kudos to that crazy bastard because he is good at it! A man shows up in a small town called New Berlin looking for a doctor he knew from the war. But the man is very cautious to let anyone know any other details. John becomes quick friends with a Ms. Schmidt at the diner and they both help each other out. But John’s secret stops romance from budding as when he is angered or sees red he turns into a WERESQUITO! John was experimented on during the war and this transformation is what causes him to search for the doctor that ruined his life. Film buffs everyone rejoice and track this bad boy down as it will not disappoint as I give it 3 ½ stars.

 

Bad Times at the El Royale (DVD) – Too fucking long and would have been so much better if it played out like some crazy lost ‘X-files’ episode. I give it 1 star for having Jeff Bridges play a priest… sort of.

 

Brainstorm (DVD) – A very weird ass movie that stars Christopher Walken who is trying to help explore new forms of communication through a weird brain contraption. This seem more enjoyable when I watched it as a kid on HBO but over 30 years later the film really doesn’t entirely a whole lick of interesting sense as I give it 1 star.

 

Channel 13 (DVD) – A very limited edition DVD/Blu-ray that is a lost film or anthology in this case from the Polonia Brothers that was never finished and never released. Mark Polonia goes into the reason for its release and how it was unearthed as you get to see a project from their early days. It is a couple of stories being told with a wraparound that was recently shot as they never finished what they originally started. A fun project to check out if you are a big independent film fan, if not you just won’t get the early days of the Polonia Brothers as they were one of the pioneers of Independent Cinema. I give this lost project 3 stars.

 

Deadly Games (Shudder) – A 1990 French film that can be found under the title “Dial Code: Santa Claus” is much like a French version of “Home Alone” with a creepy hobo. A rich kid named Thomas still believes in Santa and just like most children that believe he wants to prove to friends he does exist. So through an early version of the internet he contacts Santa but it just happens to be a random hobo. A random hobo who happens to be a toy store Santa for five minutes and gets fired by Thomas’ mum after he was about to go ape shit on a little girl. Instead random hobo finds out there is a Christmas delivery going to Thomas’ home and takes it in person. From Thomas must not only defend himself but protect his almost blind grandfather from the crazy hobo who wants to kill! Weird, kind of fucked up, and the kid has a killer mullet. In my book this film is well worth a watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Necrotronic (Shudder) – Thank you to Shudder again for finding random crazy Australian horror films! Apparently since the beginning of time there have always been demons and necromancers fighting especially when the demons started possessing humans. Now some evil bitch has figured out a way to go super high tech and possess a million souls all at once. Meanwhile a guy named Howie who collects poo for a living with his bud is the savior of the necromancers. It all starts when his buddy instead collecting poo is playing a game on his phone that has you collecting ghosts. This is how evil is gonna possess everyone. Weird shit happens with the game and Howie, next up enter the demons who want his soul because the evil mastermind behind the grand plan is his mother… sort of. Oh, did I mention there is a 3-D printer for souls, watch the movie you’ll understand as I give this fun ghost adventure 3 stars.

 

Secret Santa (DVD) – So I tracked down another low budget holiday flick that has college girls and their party being haunted by a “Secret Santa”. Okay let me explain, a masked person leaves them a Secret Santa gift and then they die because they are obsessed with the web cam model that shoves cucumbers into her lady parts. Again it kills me I really like to enjoy these flicks but this was more disorienting than a fun low budget holiday slasher it could have been as I give it 1 star. Bottom-line don’t threaten a killing spree unless you are going to actually give me one.

 

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Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling, John Shatzer, and me talking about horror flicks on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com .

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