Gross Movie Reviews #310

By Tim Gross

The Bleeding (DVD) – It’s a vampire film that is supposed to be a spring board for a MMA fighter in the lead role. Problem is the writer, director, and producer take it upon themselves to combine your most popular vampire films from the past ten or twelve years and cram it into a 90 minute elephant crap called a horror film. With a supporting cast of DMX, Vinnie Jones, and Michael Madsen you should expect more but as usual it’s all about the names and not the film plot and what horror movie fans enjoy. The film revolves around a man who is told he is a vampire slayer and must take out the vampire king who just happens to be his brother. The film has a few fun moments but overall makes feel bad for the MMA dude who got stuck with a poopy project. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

The World’s End (Blu-ray) – Edgar Wright in to direct, Simon Pegg and Nick Frost to star… Yep, the band is back together for their third outing and it doesn’t disappoint. Character Gary King (Simon Pegg) wants to relive some moments from being a graduating teenager in his old small town. More than anything to go and have one beer in all 12 pubs with his friends, something that got sidetracked years ago. Once King has convinced all his old buddies that this is a good idea they roll into the small town to begin the drinking marathon. Slowly, the friends notice everything is kinda weird and they are convinced once Gary gets into a fight with a younger guy in a bathroom and rips his head off. Things are not what they used to be. The friends in their drunken state must figure out what the hell is going on and how they can get the hell out of town! The film is hilarious and non-stop comedy gold. The Blu-ray has possibly the most extras I have ever seen on one disc as I give the film 4 stars.

Attack the Block (DVD) – A fun flick from the UK about teenage gang members taking on aliens when a rock falls from space and a creature awakens and attacks them. Once the alien is killed, the gang celebrates not knowing they are in a world of hurt as the alien is a female and it has all male friends that look like blind werewolves with glowing mouths. A great off-the-wall UK alien flick that I feel was poorly advertised here in the US and has Nick Frost in a small role to boot as a dude who just sells, smokes, and protects weed for his boss in the penthouse. I give the flick 3 ½ stars.

Zombie Hunter (Blu-ray) – The film is part “Mad Max”, part zombie flick with a man who since the fall of mankind has been out in the desert obliterating every zombie around alone. The man comes upon a family of sorts led by a priest (Danny Trejo) after his vehicle is destroyed by a dumbass hillbilly that believes zombies can drive. The priest and the followers believe he can save them from an onslaught and maybe get them to an uninfected island? Problem is the man has too much hate that keeps him alive no matter what. The zombie flick is a cool premise that relies too much on the exploitation aspect but I believe possible lack of money help stare this project in that direction and I would have enjoyed seeing more of Danny Trejo. I give the flick 2 stars.

State of Emergency (DVD) – A low budget flick from a duo called “The Clay Brothers” that keeps it creepy and dramatic in this film that I can best compare it to Romero’s “The Crazies”. A man carrying his wife through the woods sets her down for her to die looking at him, then drags her to a nearby farmhouse to watch TV and listen to the radio to figure out what exactly is going on as there was chaos before the accident. Time passes but once he has gained his senses something gets in the farmhouse with it forcing him to kill it. The film never calls them ghouls, zombies, infected, etc., which I believe helps give the film a great creepy atmosphere. The cleverly written film makes you pay attention to what is being said on TV and radio and sucks you in and puts you the viewer in his shoes. The drama of the explosions and the strange things standing outside not moving but waiting motionless for humans make this a must see horror film for all! After this I will keep an eye out for any project that involves “The Clay Brothers”. I give the film 3 ½ stars.

The Invisible (DVD) – A teenager (Nick) who is close to graduating and seems to have his life mapped out by his mom is beaten up after a party one night and left for dead in a sewer drain. Next morning Nick returns to school only to learn no one can see him and he believes he is dead so he tries to haunt the girl that beaten him to possible death? Meanwhile the police investigate and the plot thickens when Nick learns his best friend was involved and the girl’s boyfriend doesn’t want the police sniffing around as he is out on parole and wants to prove to his girlfriend that she needs to listen. The girl haunted by her actions wants to do one good thing in her life and Nick tries to steer her into finding his lifeless body or is it? A pretty good, off the beaten path supernatural flick, that should have ghost enthusiasts scrambling to watch it. I give the flick 3 stars.

Mini-Golf Massacre (YouTube) – I continue my dream of watching every film I can get my hands on that has ‘massacre’ in the title. Especially when the film has that kinda “shot on VHS 80s” feel. When Leroy gets fired from the local putt-putt place, he steals the mascot mask and goes on a killing spree. I couldn’t stop laughing at the 31 minute movie as you can see the chainsaw clearly doesn’t have a chain on it. But fuck that shit, grab some friends, some beer, and some pizza and enjoy this horrible fun flick as I give it 1 ½ stars.

Manborg (DVD) – A complete over-the-top nutzoid, stop motion, CGI, anime influenced, mind blowing fantasy film from Steve Kostanski that pits humans vs. Hell’s Armies in the future after Count Draculon wasn’t stopped during a war long ago. In the future, Draculon’s armies have taken over and most of mankind is gone or underground. During the war long ago a man fighting Count Draculon was believed killed but became an experiment called, “Manborg” awakens in this hellish future. Manborg may be the one hope for mankind as he is taken into custody after killing a guard who was chasing an escape prisoner aka an extra from Mortal Kombat. Once in Hell’s prison he must fight in the arena. With help from other prisoners they soon begin killing all of Hell’s Armies. Soon Manborg learns to harness his powers after escaping and Manborg and friends begin an all-out assault on Count Draculon! The film is literally like a comic book geek’s brain exploded on screen. I enjoyed this completely unique and crazy film but feel there will be some fans that just won’t understand what exactly the film is and dislike it. I give this Mr. Kostanski’s amazing effort 3 ½ stars.

Mystery Science Theater 3000 (DVD) – Film version of the cult show in 1996 that spawned or influenced many recent internet horror hosts and podcasts that has a man Michael J. Nelson trapped in space and his two robots stuck in space made to watch horrible old sci-fi films. For this film version of the show they are made to watch “This Island Earth”. MST3K is the type of programming that has a rabid fan base that keeps its spirit alive now for years even though the show has been canceled. It’s a program clearly marketed for film geeks or stupid people who drink beer like myself. I give the film version of the original TV program 4 stars and may the influence of Michael J. Nelson and the robots live on.

Oblivion (DVD) – Its 2077, and earth has been ravaged by after effects of dropping nukes during a war with aliens in 2017 and the moon was half destroyed causing weather related catastrophes. Tom Cruise plays Jack, part of a two person team who is trying to protect these water things in the sky, keep maintenance up on drones that supposedly protect the planet from scavengers. The Scavengers are what came and started war with earth. While out on patrol Jack propels himself deep into a library to check for a down drone only to be attacked, but before that finds a book and reads a passage. Jack tries to bring it up to his partner but she wants none of it which is why he never tells her of the dreams that haunt him nightly. Soon Jack questions whether he wants to leave earth since he is supposed to report back to a colony that is on one of Saturn’s moons. Jack begins to question his dreams and exactly what he is doing. Oblivion is a futuristic film that starts off innocently enough as your big budget garbage but uses misdirection in its alien storyline to make the film very interesting. Plus, Tom Cruise gives a performance that reminded me he wasn’t always a dick in the industry and can still be someone worth watching in film. I give the film 3 stars.

Curse of Chucky (DVD) – Brad Dourif not only comes back for this sequel but his daughter stars in it, I’m in! Number six in the series plays like a regular bloody series sequel with Chucky on a killing spree but even with a little meaner streak if possible. Surprised there hasn’t been a remake yet? I sat back to watch as they stick with the slasher formula that worked in the past to give Chucky new life again as he arrives in a mail package with no return address. Soon a mother is dead and a daughter in a wheelchair is left picking up the pieces and wondering what the hell happened? Family comes to help and the fun begins. Chucky’s killing spree is something we have seen before but the whole time it felt different and different it was once you learn why Chucky arrived anonymous to this house and that’s where the real fun begins. If anything good comes out of the latest Chucky film it proves not everything has to be remade in order to be entertaining… I give it 2 ½ stars and just like to say thank you to Universal for giving the series another chance before that eventual reboot?

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