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Gross Movie Reviews #569

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Gross Movie Reviews #569

Zombies from Sector 9 (DVD) – A filmmaker named Rob Ceus has made this crazy Indy zombie flick out of Belgium! Anyway it is set back in 1986 where a nuclear accident has happened in Crittersville and the next day the recently deceased have become the undead. Three years have passed and Crittersville area or now called “Sector 9” is known to be the zombie outbreak area and a man known as Bookwalker roams the area but the outbreak is starting to spread beyond Sector 9. After Bookwalker loses his wife and kid this sets him on the path of destroying all zombies and vicious raiders alike in his path. The independent film with its gore-filled effects fits right in with the early works of a Todd Sheets or a J.R. Bookwalter that will make Indy fans crave to see this flick again and again. The only overall flaw of the film if I am going to point something out would be the pacing as it makes the film seem cobbled together at times but I still enjoyed as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

The Prison Island Massacre (DVD) – What in the Rutger Hauer have I found myself watching as I have dived deeper into the “massacre” genre with this 2007 film that is also known as ‘Angel of Death 2’ and ‘Women Behind Bars 4’ among a few other titles in a foreign languages. This German film stars the effects of Olaf Ittenbach and Jess Franco’s wife as the prison warden! If anything you know are in for something alright when you get wide shots of this mysterious island and the jail cells are held together by chains and padlocks. Young women are sent to this isolated prison to be tortured, killed, or worse for the warden’s pleasure… When there isn’t some weird German porn thing going on apparently prisoners escape on a regular basis to give the film some plot? If nothing else we do get a great scene of a mercenary trying to help the women out but gets captured, then scalped for his attempt. In the end I didn’t know if I was disappointed or just happy this wasn’t full blown German porn? Watch it and you’ll understand as I give this mess 1 ½ stars.

Clown Fear (DVD) – Hey, another killer clown film at 110 F’N minutes, yes this sounds like a horrible idea. Even though it stars Sadie Katz and Sarah French that isn’t nearly enough to save this clown horror film set in Clown City, USA. A woman, Augie Duke is left at the altar in Vegas so her in her three bridesmaids jump into the car to party and breakdown near “The Clown Inn”. From there it is all jokes and fun until the “Clown Clan” show up to take care of the outsiders! See the backstory is a small town sees clowns as a religion so again why in the fuck is this stupid ass film 110 minutes long? Again independent filmmakers I love yinz all but take note yinz ain’t makin’ “Avengers: Endgame” and never will! EDIT YOUR MOVIE! I give this boring garbage 1 star.   

Shriekshow (Blu-ray) – One of the hardest working independent filmmakers around, Brad Twigg, is back with his latest project that is an anthology of sorts. It does run an hour and 45 minutes but like most of Brad’s projects he does have an actual script/story that covers the time. Intentional or unintentional I enjoyed the beginning of the film as it felt like a montage to ‘Halloween 4’. But the film is about four friends heading out on Halloween to these so-called haunted fairgrounds to investigate. Its Halloween, soon as you see these sets or fairgrounds there is a lot of people that would love to check this shit out so even if it lingering a little in the beginning horror fans will understand because of the beauty of the sets. After entering a tent the four believed was empty they are introduced to a ringmaster who has three stories to tell. All three scary stories are solid, have a little gore, well-written, and a great cast. As the stories are being told the group quickly finds out the abandoned fairgrounds are not so abandoned. Thanks to Brad for tackling a tough subject “clown horror” and not falling into dumb ass shit like most filmmakers have and giving us horror fans another Indy anthology that we will be proud to show friends as I give the film 3 out of 4 stars.

Censor (DVD) – Enid is a part of the British Censor Board in the early 80s help deciding what films get cut or downright rejected. Enid picks a part horror films constantly and now feeling even more pressure to just cut films completely her past comes back to start haunting her as Enid’s sister went missing when she was younger and never found. When the film ‘Deranged’ gets passed and public flack hits back at the censor board Enid cracks under pressure in this dream-state and goes down this wormhole of murder and mayhem! Her dark secrets are revealed about her sister in the end or were they as the film leaves it up to you the viewer what actually happened as I give this weird dreamy horror film 3 stars.

Midnight (Remake/DVD) – This Indy flick falls into the category of why? In 1982 John Russo actually made a good horror film and then made the mistake of allowing Gary Lee Vincent to update it. Now for the why: Why filmmakers do you wanna remake something that was actually good or considered good when there is so much crap out there aka “Blood Freak” that is worth remaking or at least attempting to remake? You are only setting yourself up for failure unless you have a perfect script… And in this case you didn’t have that! A young woman Nancy takes off from home after her stepfather tries to have sex with her. After a bunch of filler for the film Nancy runs into a family who kills in the name of Satan as their family believes blood gives them energy for their satanic powers. Sorry Gary I know you mean well and great friends with Russo but this was a terrible idea from beginning to end and a mistake as I give it a ½ out of 4 stars.

Bigfoot Blood Trap (DVD) – So 5 ½ minutes in and I knew I chose wrongly watching this trash as the set up for the film is creepy old dude in the woods filming two semi-ugly women in the woods who are awkwardly touching each other and then suddenly have a shotgun to shoot at Bigfoot! They take a few shots, and one of them kills Baby Bigfoot. Thank the lord Rutger Hauer I was drinking because that was the only way I was getting through this hot garbage. Meanwhile a young woman inherits the land that Bigfoot roams along with creepy old dudes with cell phones who film ugly women. Anyhow she heard the Bigfoot stories and just like most dumb white people she wants to find and capture Bigfoot. Well of course that is a terrible mistake! And next thing I know more than half of this piece of garbage is some fake doctor getting involved and using Bigfoot as an experiment to breed with human women that they kidnap. Problem with this experiment, Bigfoot hates tattoos! If this film wasn’t so poorly written and acted I would have laughed my ass off the whole time. But I just kept thinking there isn’t enough beer in my house to make me forget this mess as I give this film 0 stars.

Wyrmwood Apocalypse (On Demand) – Super disappointed with the first film as it promised “The Road Warrior meets Day of the Dead” and instead it gave me ‘meh’ so I still tried out the sequel because it’s me. Reese is a lone military man who has lived among the living dead for a long period of time and uses the zombies for fuel among other things for himself. When he isn’t doing that he captures zombies to report back to this underground bunker in hopes for a cure? One day he trips across a hybrid that he feels the bunker will definitely want for the cure. Problem arises when Reese truly doesn’t know what is going on in the underground bunker until he runs into the original hybrid. He goes AWOL and finds out he has been lied to the whole time about the cure and wants to destroy the bunker as he claims “they took his soul”. This film had much better story, pacing, interesting characters, and lots of splatter for the gorehounds as the sequel redeems the disappointment a few years ago as I give it 3 stars.

Hell Van (DVD) – Jorge Delarosa spent almost five years and $75000 putting this passion project together.  If there is anyone that is talented enough to tackle Satanic shit in independent films and not get lost a quarter of the way through, it would be the talented Jorge Delarosa. The setting is a small town called Midway, Texas where everyone knows everyone. After a suspect accused of church burnings burns a church full of kids goes on the run and commits suicide in his van bizarre events begin to happen. Anyone that approaches or is connected to this possessed van die a very horrible death and only Sheriff Redhorse can stop this madness! Mr. Delarosa doesn’t just make a typical possessed car film but tackled it to the ground with such force that the film comes off as Mr. Delarosa shows off how talented he is behind the camera in all forms. We have explosions, burning people, eyeballs being ripped out, zombies, interesting characters you care about, chaotic satanic images to help tell the story, and the music is just the icing on the cake (music is usually forgotten in Indy films not understanding it can enhance the viewing experience). If you didn’t know what I already knew you will after watching this satanic blessing of filmmaking that Mr. Delarosa is an independent filmmaking force that needs more attention. And his latest film is a wonderful blend of Satan, horror, and blood without losing its way of telling a story as I give this film 3 ½ out of 4 stars as ‘Hell Van’ will be a favorite among independent horror fans for years to come.  

The Puma Man (DVD) – The film stars Donald Pleasance in pleather controlling people with an ancient alien Aztec mask as a man named Tony Thorn comes along and is declared a god who will bring Pleasance and his pleather to his knees! But only if he puts on his Puma Man belt and turns into a generic version of ‘The Greatest American Hero’ William Katt. Super hilarious mess of a film as I give it 2 stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #303

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Gross Movie Reviews #303

 

By Tim Gross

 

More Brains! A Return to the Living Dead (DVD) – Another great documentary about a horror film that is a favorite of many horror fans. But this isn’t just any horror film the documentary covers… it’s the zombie film that changed everything about zombies. Just like 1968s ‘Night of the Living Dead’, ‘Return of the Living Dead’ caught everyone by surprise in the mid-80s by introducing zombies wanting brains, zombies talk, and be a new kind of entertainment. This documentary tracks down all who were involved and learns of how it all came together and how no one exactly knew that this zombie film would take the next step in zombie film evolution. A must see for all as I give it 4 stars.

Infinte Santa

Infinte Santa 8000 (DVD) – What once started as a webisodes project from Michael Neel and Greg Ansin after their awesome independent anthology ‘Drive-in Horrorshow’ has now become a feature length animated film after two long years of hard work. And I am here to say the hard work paid off in this beautiful animated feature that features a Robo Santa a world that is far into a war torn future! This is the type of film that makes me wonder if the filmmakers behind it reach into a horror fan’s dark soul and bring to life something of the likes of Robo Santa. The film has a great and entertaining beginning that sets the pace for you the viewer of knowing what your brain is about to witness as Robo Santa is facing off a full robot in a bootleg Thunderdome. And they are fighting for meat as meat is scarce and the new money with the world looking like one big wasteland straight out of a ‘Mad Max’ film. But as Santa goes back to the North Pole with his Robo reindeer he knows he is going back to the one person who still believes. And her name is Martha. Martha is what keeps the old man going. But there is some who want to take that away from him and the menace that wants to take the happiness away is the “Creator” who made Martha. The Creator sends an evil bunny with exploding peeps, monkey men, and mutations, even Martha clones to kill Santa and steal Martha away only to destroy her for good. It is a holiday classic of good versus evil in this animated feature that is complete chaotic fun! It is not only one of the best independent films of the year but I am glad to say one my favorite horror films in the past few years. The dedication of Michael Neel and all who are involved with Burnt Reindeer Films should be proud of their project that I would put up there with the likes of ‘Heavy Metal’, ‘Fire and Ice’. What sealed the deal on this great film was the quote from Robo Santa in the film, “Just how I like my mutants, ugly, crispy, and dead!” That is perfection for me. Horror movie fans if there is one horror film you buy this holiday season it must be “Infinite Santa 8000” or Robo Santa and myself are coming Mad Max style down your chimney and throwing you in the bootleg Thunderdome! I give the film 4 out of 4 stars and it can be found at www.midnightreleasing.com and more info about Greg and others can be found at www.infinitesanta.com . If you need more look for the intentional or unintentional video game Gauntlet scene during the big fight between Robo Santa and Creator’s minions.

Eureka (DVD) – An odd Rutger Hauer film from 1983 that also stars Gene Hackman, Ed Lauter, Mickey Rouke, Joe Pesci, and Joe Spinell! But what Rutger Hauer film isn’t a bit odd as most of his career choices always make you think. But Gene Hackman is a man who searched for gold for 15 years during the time of the gold rush finally finding after a very weird encounter with a woman who helps tell his future. Years later and Hackman’s character now owning an island and more money than can be printed finds himself feeling like his world is falling apart as Rutger Hauer is taking his daughter away, people want his island, and they want to kill him. Weird but a fun watch for Rutger Hauer fans as I give it 2 stars.

8213: Gacy House (DVD) – A found footage film about Ghost Hunters investigating a vacant home in March 2006. The home is supposed to be where Gacy’s old house was. They even say in the opening credits that the original home was destroyed in 1979 I believe and a new home was built there. But during the film during the so-called investigation the ghost hunters talk about the old house, wiring, etc. This is the type of film that just gives paranormal experts a bad name hell if I was a ghost hunter I would be insulted by this big piece of elephant shit! I give it 0 stars.

Ridge War

Ridge War Z (DVD) – An independent zombie film that takes entirely different approach but at the same time trying to cash in on the similar title of Brad Pitt’s project. A reporter tracks down three soldiers who survived a battle with zombies to protect a ridge and write a book on it. The filmmaker Alek Gearhart takes the approach of the reporter helping the soldiers get over the evil events that happened and to relive some of the horrible events to make their lives better and help him to write his book based on the events. The filmmaker dedicates the film to all veterans who were in a war as tries to use this dramatic approach to show how tough it can be for vets to live with the burden of war and the decisions made during the battles. It’s different, a little talky at times but I gotta give credit to the filmmaker doing something very different with the zombie genre. I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.braindamagefilms.com .

Amnesiac (DVD) – A foreign independent film that tries to outsmart the viewer by over thinking the plot and just confusing the shit out of me by the end of the film. The film begins with two sisters and the one’s boyfriend Thom going all ‘Witchboard’ with an Ouija board by doing a séance to contact a spirit. But as the three get more involved in the spirit’s world as things go weird to the point that the film becomes about the spirit who killed people in a past life but is now haunted by the people who were contacting him through the board… maybe? All I know this film my head hurt and it got boring as the filmmaker over thought the plot. I give the independent film 0 out of 4 stars and you can find it at www.midnightreleasing.com .

The Man with the Iron Fists (DVD) – A film that steals a bunch of random Asian Cinema and smashes it into a crazy action film to pimp RZA! It’s not bad, it’s not good, and it’s just one of those films that are a little too much over the top. I give it 2 stars.

Daisy Derkins, Dogsitter of the Damned! (DVD) – Daisy has just gotten a part time job being a dog sitter for a very strange dude in a black robe. But he gives Daisy permission to do pretty much anything she wants as long as she keeps an eye out for the dog. Bad move Ex-Lax! Daisy invites two friends over who want to get Daisy high and drunk and bullshit about the guy who is stalking her after one date. Once they are about to enter the point of no return in drunken terms Daisy hears a voice or laughter, causing the friends to call paranormal expert/pinup model Delia to find the issue and film it for her cable access show. If that wasn’t enough to scare Daisy her stalker comes to the house to sing to her, a witch begins to fuck with them, and a serial killer who looks like a bootleg combo of Dimebag Darryl and John Carl Buechler killing everyone in the house, and we have a wendigo that tries to rape the paranormal expert/pinup model. This all happens just because the strange dude parties with a Mexican wrestler and just needed to feed his dog the Dogsitter. Big boobs, blood, woman with tattoos and a Mexican wrestler… I was entertained. I give the independent flick 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

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