Tag Archives: Land Shark

Gross Movie Reviews #604

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Massacre at Femur Creek (YouTube) – A (2014) 19 minute short film set in June 1984 at Cherry Hill, Ontario and now has a crowd funding campaign going to remake it and make it a feature. Three young men head to the woods for a birthday bash and talk about some funny shit. But unbeknownst to them they have a sleazy masked stalker that interrupts their man gathering and hilarity ensues as I give the Canadian short film 3 stars.

Mutant Vampires from the Planet Neptune (DVD) – The movie starts off well with a spaceship landing near an oversexed couple in their tent who also have just been attacked by an escaped mental patient then attacked by the space vampire. We flash forward to the next day where we are introduced to five friends who are heading out for a weekend of partying and the movie spending a good amount of time building up their characters. Once at the cabin the space vamp begins stalking them. I really liked the premise of the film, how it started, but the film felt a bit stretched out and the filmmaker wasn’t sure what they wanted to do with the script if that makes sense. I could only give it 1 ½ stars as I would like to hear from other people who may have seen it or going to in hopes it was just me.

Land Shark (DVD) – A mutant shark film from China in an attempt to catch lightning in a bottle: “The Meg”, “Deep Blue Sea”, insert popular shark film that uses cancer research as the backdrop for a shark film. Of course the cancer research is promising but the mutant shark is man-made through scientists using other animal genes where the shark jumps on land to chase said scientists through a jungle. Sounds fun but just never captures that ‘it’ factor to separate this from being just another boring shark film as I give it 1 star.

Murderbot (Tubi/Full Moon) – A 45 minute film from Jim Wynorski who worked with Full Moon on this project that stars a bootleg version of Julie Strain as a runaway robot. For whatever dumb reason the film is also known as “Killbots” but anyhow bootleg Julie Strain is supposed to be a military project that just so happens to decide it wants to go off on its own. She enters a small town and begins to kill the townsfolk because that is what she is programmed to do. Enter a group of unlikable young people who within seconds of arriving begin running for their lives. The beauty of the film is that it is only 45 minutes as I give it a ½ star and good luck if you go watch it?

Terror Trips (DVD) – A group of six friends out of Cincinnati, Ohio who are also horror movie fans decide to go into a new business venture where they check out horror movie locations and come with a way for people to stay there for an overnight event or something… Six months pass for the group and they head to Poland aka Indiana farm land I believe to scout another famous movie location. There the group quickly finds out stupid Americans are frowned upon and they kidnap them for organ harvesting. The film thinks big but cannot execute to its full potential besides the movie could of went in a totally different direction than ‘Hostel’ as I give it 1 ½ stars or it isn’t terrible but not good either.

Kill Her Goats (DVD) – The film begins with explaining a family home and the events that are about to unfold after the purchase where a young woman gets the house as a gift and some neighbors are not happy. Most of the film is Audra and her two friends enjoying the new home giving each other a few jump scares and walking around topless most of the time for no reason. Eventually a person in a goat mask comes to stalk the three girls but not really with a little bit of gore? Very hard to explain as this is an example of the trailers is way better than the final product. You could even make the argument that they use the nudity as a crutch as there wasn’t much story to tell but feel you would be wasting your breath on an actual intelligent conversation about this film as I give it maybe a ½ star. Again I really wanted to like this horror movie but after watching it, maybe it was doomed before it ever got started?

Horrorama (DVD-R) – A 1987 SOV flick that got finished in 1989 and found some kind of small release again in 2014 that is hosted by a disgusting undead host named Scarlet Fry who takes you through some tales of terror. The shorts are pretty quick, hilarious, and entertaining as SOV fans may want to seek this one out just for the mere reason to see blood squirt from off screen for a gore scene and it’s nowhere near where the action is taking place. Oh a wonderful look at the old days of no budget magic as I give it 2 ½ stars.

When a Killer Calls: The Babysitter Massacre (DVD) – A bright young woman named Trisha heads to her latest babysitting gig to take care of Molly for the night. Not too long after the parents leave Trisha begins getting odd phone calls on her cell including blaming her boyfriend for the (*67) phone calls? Remember the film is from 2006 but anyway you have seen the film several times before but I will give kudos to Asylum Entertainment with not taking the easy way out with cheeseball moments and trying to make the “killer is calling from in the house” film. Once the boyfriend shows up and brings friends that is when the massacre begins… sort of as I give the movie 2 stars.

The Prey: Legend of Karnoctus (DVD) – A newer B-horror film that tries to give fans a splash of four different films into one: Predator, The Descent, Graveyard Shift, and Dog Soldiers. Stocking the cast with familiar faces that the horror community will recognize as our story takes place in Afghanistan where some old military dudes are planning a heist. Meanwhile a young group of soldiers on patrol nearby get pinned down by an enemy force and head inside a cave that gets closed off by a rocket. Now trapped young stunned soldiers and a couple of old military dudes must get on the same page and start their long trek through the labyrinth in order to survive. But none of them were counting on dealing with a pissed off Afghan Sasquatch as it’s referred to many times in the movie. Not a huge budget, you hired some cool people to be on screen for a scene or two, and you have kind of a cool monster in a cave? Yep, I am in every time just to give it a chance as I liked it enough to give it 2 ½ stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #446

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Gross Movie Reviews #446

 

A Quiet Place (DVD) – So this cool and different monster flick kinda pooped out there into the cinemas earlier this year and surprised horror fans. The movie begins on Day 89 in a post-apocalyptic world where some monsters have pretty much taken over the world and laid waste to humans. They are attracted to sound and will find you if you make a sound. The story centers on a family that uses sign language to communicate with each other and wear no shoes. On their way back from looking for food their son is playing with a toy that makes sound and the monster comes and snatches him up. We fast forward 400 days and the family is still living in silence and still have hope that they can find a weakness to hurt these flesh-eating monsters. They find the answer by accident when the daughter’s hearing aid makes static sound. I give the filmmakers props for a different concept and a cool looking monster. It was so cool to see a different kind of monster flick and for that I give 3 stars.

House Shark (DVD) – So in the village of Liverpool, Frank the cop lives with his son and is a divorcee. Frank is about to go out on his first date in a very long time. So Frank leaves his son with Betsy the babysitter. But apparently a period fart lures a shark to come up the commode and eat Betsy ass first. Frank and son shocked move out of the house and live in the backyard in a tent. Besides no one believes Frank’s story of a shark in the house he refuses to live inside. The bank is about to foreclose and the real estate company is pissed they cannot sell it because of Frank. So they get Frank away from the house long enough for people to come by to see if they want to buy it? They do but are eaten by the ‘House Shark’ but not before another witness sees it happen and we get the great line, “John stop! I don’t want anybody to see your fingers up my butt!” Frank finds a “House Shark” expert in Zachary Taylor and the real estate company sends in Abraham Lincoln… kind of to help take care of this shark issue. The independent horror film is filled with tons of jokes that keep the movie moving right along including the hilarious shark costume. I really enjoyed this shark as I couldn’t stop laughing but again people it should be pushing two hours long. But kudos to you Ron Bonk for making a legit cool Indy shark flick as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Land Shark (DVD) – The latest from Mark Polonia and crew that stars Sarah French whose character works for the Malco Research Corp. Of course they have been experimenting with sharks but little does Ms. French’s character knows they are secretly trying to make the sharks into weapons. She finds this out after some sharks have crawled out of the tank on land and have killed some people. Malco believes the project is going in the right direction until the sharks are out of control. All this film was missing was Joe Estevez and “Roller Gator” as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars.

 

The Meg (Theater) – So Jason Statham showed up in this cornball shark movie that is nothing more than a much higher budgeted ‘SyFy Channel Shark Week’ flick. Statham is Jonas who is only one of a few people who have gone 10000 feet for a rescue. Five years ago he had to leave two buddies behind saving a crew of a sub that was under attack by something. No one believed him it was a large shark. Present time off the coast of China a crew has been attacked and disabled on the bottom of the ocean and Jonas is called in for the rescue. They are saved but the very large shark has followed them and now is feeding on all in the ocean. Like I said, “cornball movie”. If you are not expecting much you will be entertained but otherwise wait for the “Sharknado” sequel as I give this 2 ½ stars.

 

Revenge (DVD) – A French horror flick that deals with a young woman who is with her much older married boyfriend for a weekend. Then his two hunting buddies show up. They cannot control themselves and they get very touchy. The boyfriend tries to smooth over the event with a check but she runs out of the house and the men run after her. Once the heated exchange settles and supposedly a helicopter is coming to pick her up she is pushed off a cliff to her death. The men figure to clean her up while they come back through hunting. But she is able to burn the tree she was impaled on and escape. Now injured but very pissed she seeks revenge against the three men. A wild and gory time but the film has been done many times before but I did enjoy the gory ending as I give it 2 stars.

 

Horrors in the Witch’s House (DVD) – Alex Wesley and his gore hound friends are at it again with his latest short film about a man named Azulyat who was just released from prison. Azulyat has a debt to pay but has a plan. His plan is go to his aunt’s house, kill her, and sell the house off to pay the debt. But once there Azulyat decides to do some heroin and finds his aunt was into some demonic shit and hid it in the attic. Not thinking he has messed with some dark magic and now it has come back to haunt him and make him suffer. As usual these guys bring the gore and guts in bucket loads and do not disappoint with their latest effort as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

 

Legacy of Blood (DVD) – This weird 1971 horror flick has John Carradine dying at the beginning of the film and is going to leave his inheritance to his family and staff. But there is a catch they must spend the night in his home that is considered evil by the family. There are flashbacks of abuse, possible incest, and just plain weird shit going down. The interesting part is if someone leaves or doesn’t survive the night their share is split up among those that are left. Kind of an oddity of a horror flick as it doesn’t exactly fit a genre of horror flick but well worth the watch as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Brutal Massacre (DVD) – David Naughton is Harry Penderecki, a famous low budget horror filmmaker whose last few films haven’t made a dime. Harry is shopping around a new project that he believes could get him back on the right track. He is mostly known for the films: Sasquatch in the Mall, People Pesticide, Bowel Movements, but believes this flick will be different? Hollywood gives him one last chance and not much of a budget to pull off his last project. Meanwhile a documentarian named Bert follows around Harry to see the process of the film from pre-production to finished product. Everything you can think of goes wrong with the troubled production but because of the non-ending it becomes the elusive masterpiece he has lived for. Great roles filled by Gunnar Hansen and Ken Foree in this absolutely hilarious film and possibly David’s best since “The Sleeping Car”. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Lion (Vimeo) – The latest short film from Davide Melini that deals with child abuse. An abused child is in bed trying to sleep and wishes to his stuffed lion to not be hit anymore. Once his stuffed lion hits the floor his wish comes true when his father is watching a program with lions on it. A great way to get a message out about child abuse as the short film deserves 4 out of 4 stars. Well done Davide, well done sir.

 

Any comments or questions please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.netor www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr

 

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.