Gross Movie Reviews #622

0

Bad Blood (YouTube) – A friend pointed this 1989 Linda Blair film out to me so of course I am down for some “Blair Stuff” as this thriller has Linda Blair as the third billing Evie. Evie’s husband Ted 25 years ago was taken from his family to be with someone who couldn’t have a family so naturally when faced with this Ted wants to know who his mom is? Ted and Evie head out to the country where his original mum is filthy rich and into the incest stuff… After Evie gets the “mysterious stomach illness” mum wants to bang Ted because he looks exactly like his dad in the painting that got these two together again after 25 years. Linda Blair plays second fiddle throughout and is just about an afterthought by the end of the film but don’t let that stop you from watching a bizarre thriller that has the incest overtones n’at as I give it 2 stars.

Five Nights at Freddy’s (Peacock) – The movie based on  a game for teens that has been plagued with problems for years has finally made its way to the big screen. For rabid older horror fans like myself ‘The Banana Splits’ and ‘Willy’s Wonderland’ beat this project to the punch but anyway it didn’t stop them from making a 109 minute horror adaptation that kind of leaves that “meh” feeling inside. The film focuses on a guy name Mike who lost a brother as a kid and now older is trying to take care of his young sister while barely making ends meet. In comes a night security job at Freddy Fazbear’s Pizza that Mike cannot pass up. After a break-in at the old abandoned pizza palace the animatronics come to life and kill but that is where the film goes into a weird direction as the local police officer that checks in on Mike knows all about it. If that isn’t enough these animatronics wanna be friends with Mike’s sister but there is a price to pay and reason the way they are? I know the film made a good bit of money but found it a little forgettable and suffers from “too little too late” as I give it 2 stars.

Slotherhouse (On Demand) – A young lady named Emily has one last chance to make president at her sorority house and needs a big boost for it to happen. In comes getting a sloth from a shady exotic animal dude who just happened to be slaughtered by the animal before Emily picks it up. Emily convinces the sorority that the animal is the house’s mascot and thus pushing Emily as the front runner for president. As the more popular the sloth gets the more the bodies pile up as the Sloth slaughters its way through the sisters as it supposedly has Emily’s best interest? Literally the Sloth drives a mustang to a hospital to try to kill Emily’s best friend in a hospital bed! Do we need to say more as it might not be “Cocaine Bear” but you are still going to have a lot of fun with this one as I give it 3 stars.

The Galaxy Invader (DVD) – A hilarious creature feature from legendary Indy filmmaker Don Dohler in 1985. An alien lands in a small town and has a quick encounter with a local that spurs a town wide search for the thing as some old school rednecks want to cash on capturing an alien! The drunker the rednecks get the more rednecks die at the hands of the alien as a professor and his young friend David are trying to help the alien. Out of everything this may have one of the meanest characters you’ll ever see as the old guy trying to capture the alien for the second or third time gets a bit rapey after his best friend dies the night before? This is one of those must watches with many friends and beer just to enjoy the cheese as I give it 2 ½ stars as I thank the lord Rutger Hauer for people like Don Dohler.

Hell House LLC Origins: The Carmichael Manor (Shudder) – In a remote part of New York a manor sits that witnessed murders thirty years ago and part of the family disappeared after. Since then ghost hunters, internet detectives, etc., have told stories about the place but never confirmed. Now two young ladies part of a group called “NetSluths” have rented the place for five days and plan to do an investigation to prove it’s haunted. Margo and Rebecca are completely into this at first as explained by several friends throughout the documentary-style film as they recorded everything that went on there. The internet detectives eventually get more than they bargain for but also find out a very strange connection to a hotel that burned down recently featured in the three films before this. A fun, creepy, entertaining found footage paranormal horror film showing the way to making a superb scare film as I give it 3 ½ stars.

The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster (Shudder) – Simply you can call it “Black Re-Animator” (and you are now curious)! A young woman who has lost her brother recently to gun violence believes death is not the end? She believes if death is a disease then she can find the cure? Vicaria or “The Mad Scientist” she is nicknamed in the neighborhood will stop at nothing in making this work which includes stealing fresh bodies and storing them with her equipment in a condemned building. Between society, her home setting, and the loss of her brother this makes her withdraw from life more and more to find the answer or cure to death (sound familiar?) Vicaria figures it out and brings her brother Chris back to life but it comes at a terrible price or does it… A wonderful blend of horror, today’s world problems, and how the world is seen through a young lady who is angry for good reason and firmly believes death can be cured as I give this movie 4 stars.

The Last Voyage of the Demeter (DVD) – The story is based on the captain’s log from the original Dracula story of the Count making his way to London on a boat in 1897. The captain had trouble filling the crew as the crest on the cargo is seen by some who wanted to be a part of the crew. They all have heard stories and do not trusts being on the boat after the sun go down. Just like “Titanic” you know how this ends, but more power to the filmmaker making a small part of the Dracula story into a two hour movie. It’s not terrible; it has a cool looking vampire creature, but it isn’t like you are going to make friends watch this retelling of a small part of the Dracula lure over and over as I can only give it 2 stars.

I Slay on Christmas (DVD/YouTube) – Phil Herman and crew are back again with a another anthology but this time a holiday one that knows keeping it short (82 minutes) and sweet is the way keep the Indy fanatics excited. Terror reigns supreme as a man Joseph finds himself in the woods faced with pine cones along a path and a mysterious thing telling him the stories of the pine cones. Each pine cone represents a holiday horror that must be told to Joseph as he is there for a reason? We get an abusive psycho, a man whose throat gets cut, a woman who finds herself on the wrong end of a ‘date’, and Mrs. Claus seeking a little revenge against the big bearded man himself along with the wraparound of Joseph. The Indy film is a quick, bloody, a little raunchy, and to the point that will surely have Indy anthology audiences screaming for a sequel as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars. Oh by the way don’t call the cell number on Suzette’s phone because good chance it is Wynkoop screaming at you like his abusive character he plays in the first story. 

Invaders from Mars (DVD/remake) – Time for a rewatch of this remake of the popular 1953 film that has aliens landing in a boy’s backyard and overnight take over the small town. As the aliens take over David’s parents among other adults the only person he can trust is the school nurse played by Karen Black. The two try to find answers on how they can stop this invasion before not just the town is taken over but the world. This version went bigger with effects and aliens but also has had cheesiness worth watching but you get the feeling that Tobe Hooper and crew never got the exactly what they aimed for as it feels from the beginning it was plagued by production problems. Of course the original is superior but this is worth rewatching and debating what went wrong since it flopped in 1986 as I give it 2 stars.

Dark Harvest (On Demand) – Sawtooth Jack is a haunting legend that comes to life in a small farming community in the 1960s on Halloween as it has for many years. Teenagers are sent out to kill or be killed by the legend before it gets to the church at midnight or their crops will die for several years. This is all arranged by the community’s “Harvesters Guild” and if a boy wins your family gets a new house, money, etc. but there is a dark secret to all of it. Richie whose older brother won it the year before hasn’t been heard from since just stories or rumors of him. This sets in motion Richie wanting to join the Halloween festivities and win just in some weird way he will get answers about his brother. As the film progresses the film goes into some dark and bizarre areas as we the viewer learn the high school boys are starved for three days straight by their families to really want to kill the Sawtooth Jack legend. I enjoyed David Slade and others put together a completely new mythology for this Halloween film to work and work effectively! The ending doesn’t wimp out either as it ends the way it should end for a horror film that sets such a dark tone early on as I give the film 3 stars. Also pay attention there is a lot going on in this horror film that could be fonder for film classes?

Release – A Short Film (YouTube) – Another quick project from filmmaker Philip Brocklehurst that has a man wanting to check out on his terms as life is too much for him to handle any longer. Mr. Brocklehurst could be using this art form to say something about himself or just enjoys digging for stories in a deep dark area of his soul that speaks to independent film fans as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

Two new episodes of Bloodbaths and Boomsticks

0

This week we come back and throw 3 movies in your face of varying degrees of quality… but we will let you be the judge of that.  First we finally have a god damn Godfrey Ho movie on the show in the form of ROBO VAMPIRE 2: DEVIL’S DYNAMITE and boy howdy does Kyle dislike Godfrey Ho movies.  And secondly we have the first of the adaptations of Richard Matheson’s classic book I Am Legend in the form of 1664′ Vincent price classic THE LAST MAN ON EARTH.  And finally we unearthed a weird bit of 1995 cheese in The Haunted.  We hope you enjoy the ramblings and if you don’t there is always next time.  So, Download this episode of we will have to review more Godfrey Ho movies and no one want that.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

This time we throw 3 more genre flicks into the hopper and see what shakes out.  First Tim picks a Rod Steiger movie with a Kung Fu action premise straight from the bottom row of the Action section of you mom and pop video store in CATCH THE HEAT.  The John talks a film noir-ish type of jam with 1975’s The Dead Don’t Die.  And finally Kyle watches the original classic kid in trouble flick INVADERS FROM MARS.  And try as we might we try to get to the bottom of why everyone likes Peeps marshmallow treats.  All this and more like question, news, and what we have been watching. So download this episode or Rod Steiger won’t vote for you in the wet t-shirt contest.

http://bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #598

0

Jaws of Satan (Blu-ray) – So I was checking out this out of print 2-pack Blu-ray that has “Jaws of Satan/Empire of the Ants” with no real extras and pretty much is the latest but out of print physical media of this flick that is available? Anyway, after a train stops suddenly in a small town several snake attacks happen that just happen to be led by a King Cobra who might be Satan himself! This cobra is tracking a priest who might not believe as much as some of his brothers until this snake along with others come looking for him so there can be an ultimate fight between good and evil. This killer snake movie is still some cheesy fun that I give 3 stars too but look out for the overpriced Blu-ray as it isn’t worth what the eBay people want?

Mercenaries (DVD) – A Hong Kong Shaw Brothers flick that isn’t as available as some Shaw Brothers flicks on YouTube has a bad ass dude Mr. Lou Li approached by a gorgeous rich woman who needs him to travel to Cambodia to kidnap an assassin? Lou Li is given permission to put together a small team and each can make a substantial amount of money if they are able to retrieve an audio tape that is being used for blackmail. Imagine a cool Hong Kong version of “The Expendables” who accomplish their mission but things go from a little bad to a whole lot worse when they all get screwed over! A super fun and crazy action flick well worth seeking out if you haven’t had the chance to witness bad ass flick as I give it 3 stars.

The Skid Kid (DVD-R/YouTube) – A WTF lost low budget film from 1991 that has a familiar face or two about a masked superhero who happens to be a high school kid (Scooter Spielberg) with special boots and skids along the road on his ass. These boots are so special that the FBI is looking into getting the boots off of the kid for the government. But meanwhile the kid is just trying to clean up his community of crime. And by the way folks his boots run on soda and not that cheap shit either… I dare you to not laugh and enjoy this cornball movie that if nothing else is entertaining and give 2 ½ stars too.

Queen of Blood (DVD) – A mid 60s film that is set in 1990 and stars Basil Rathbone, Dennis Hopper, and John Saxon where earthlings receive a distress call from an alien ship on Mars. So being 1990 in all they jump into a ship to go see if they can help their new friends? Friends this alien is not as a beautiful green alien is found and brought aboard the ship for the astronauts to bring back to good health and have her meet the good scientists that started this mess. Once awake on the ship the beauty wastes no time to lure men in with her beauty and suck them dry of their blood. Sounds like a crude version of “Lifeforce” kids but no matter how old this feature is its still worth checking out this B-movie as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Rana: The Legend of Shadow Lake (YouTube) – This somewhat hard to find 1980 film is sometimes known as “Croaked: Frog Monster from Hell” where a man named Kelly tells a horrible story of a frog monster one summer when he was 11 years old. A researcher comes by Kelly and his father to investigate the lake they live on where a fossil unlike anything before was found. But there has always been a story of something living near or in the lake that is half man/half monster and was looked upon as a god. The film takes a while to get going but has a wonderful pay off when the cheesy monster goes on a rampage as I give the film 2 stars.

Cocaine Bear (Theater) – The ‘Sharknado’ film of 2023 for us film nerds as this film is very loosely based on drugs found in the mountains of Kentucky and Georgia 1985. A black bear just happens to find the bags of cocaine and likes it! Now add in a couple of drug dealers looking for their stuff, a couple missing kids, a not so smart cop, and a bear high on cocaine looking to slaughter any human that gets in the way of it and its new thing “Cocaine”. This movie was beyond entertaining and most likely will make a lot people’s “Top Ten lists” as they made sure every five minutes the bear is snorting or eating cocaine or characters are talking about the bear on cocaine as I give this brilliance 4 stars.

Crocodylus (DVD) – A no budget film about a small town having a killer croc problem even though several times throughout the film characters saying, “killer gator”… It was making no sense but anyway after a few bodies have been mutilated the cops finally take interest in these possible animal attacks. Doesn’t take much longer for others to take notice and explain how it is a professor’s experiment that has gotten out in the wild. The movie was mostly dull and couldn’t believe there wasn’t one person on set to even remotely try to add energy to this poor excuse for a killer animal movie as I give it 0 stars.

Remnants (Plex) – An Indy filmmaker Mark Byrne tries to take a stab at the recently bloated genre of paranormal and tries to bring something to it? A rich dude bank rolls a group of paranormal experts to research and help clear “remnants” of souls good or bad haunting people or structures. While just trying to help a lost soul of a killer clown happens to find an opening into the real world and restart his rampage of murder. Now the paranormal flick might not be my cup of tea but I gotta give kudos to Mr. Byrne trying to spice up the independent paranormal genre with a different take as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars.

Scream of the Blind Dead (Full Moon/Tubi) – This 40 minute short film based on “The Blind Dead” series is just proof that Chris Alexander needs to stop directing and go back to his day job. This poor excuse for a short ‘fan film’ is about a young lady named Virginia who checks out a church in the middle of nowhere because she is a sexual deviant that thinks nasty thoughts and only awakens one shitty Templar Knight. I apologize this sounds harsh but I know this dude has the resources and I am still not over how bad that ‘Necropolis: Legion’ was as I give this garbage 0 stars as this might be the clear cut winner already in 2023 of “Worst Movie of the Year”!

Invaders from Mars (DVD) – This 1953 drive-in classic have a kid witnessing a flying saucer landing in his backyard during a stormy night. David’s father George goes out to investigate to only fall into a hole and disappear mysteriously. David frightened until his father comes home and begins to act different and has a strange cut on his neck that reignites David’s fear. David fears it is no longer his father, but an alien clone or possession of sorts as townsfolk are slowly taken over. Luckily for David a nurse at the local police station believes something isn’t right and they head over to an army base where David is finally taken seriously about aliens invading. It is up to the Army to stop these invaders from sabotaging shit around town but the kicker of the whole thing is: Did David dream it all up or did something else happen? Still a wonderful flick to show movie people who are looking to dip their toe into the sci-fi/horror genre as I give the film 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!

We got lazy again but we just posted a new episode of Bloodbaths and Boomsticks!

0

EPISODE 107

 

 

This week no special guest but Kyle and Tim bring you a quality show as only we know how.  We talk about Tobe Hooper’s Invaders from Mars remake, and John Saxon and Burt Young in Blood Beach.  Along the way Kyle professes his love for Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and his dislike of Terminator 2: Judgement day.  Tim watches Cheerleader Camp and a ton of other stuff.  And we debut a new segment…CAN YOU DIG IT!!!

http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/

Gross Movie Reviews #314

0

Gross Movie Reviews #314

 

By Tim Gross

 

Cheerleader Camp (DVD) – A 1988 slasher that got past me during my teenage years and once I found out about the film I made it a point to track it down and review the slasher flick. And after many years the horror film did not disappoint me as I enjoyed its gory cheese the whole way. The film sports a great cast for a slasher film in Leif Garrett, George “Buck” Flower, Betsy Russell, the amazing looking Lucinda Dickey (the Breakin’ films), and a before porn and absolutely beautiful Teri Weigel! The film follows a group of cheerleaders that leave for the wilderness to train and win the Cheerleader championship… Sounds fun for all until Allison keeps having bad dreams and her boyfriend Leif Garrett keeps trying to bang other women, then next thing you know someone gets a bear trap to the face and another gets hedge clippers to the face. Blood, boobs, and more blood make this slasher film worth revisiting again as I give it 3 stars and may boast the funniest mascot eating lunch scene ever? Apparently depending what country the film was released it could be found as “Bloody Poms Poms” on VHS and DVD.

CM 2

Circuitry Man 2: Plughead Rewired (VHS) – Vernon Wells stars as Plughead in this futuristic film where most humans live underground and the government has Plughead to experiment on until he makes a deal with a scientist (Traci Lords) to help her have a baby. After helping Plughead escaped he is back in business and rewiring humans in order for them to extend their life by ten years and it is up to the Romeo droid again to stop him. George “Buck” Flower and Nicolas Worth round out this great low budget 90s sci-fi flick. Vernon Wells always makes movies better and this no different as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Sorority Girls and the Creature from Hell (VHS) – This beyond low budget sci-fi film from 1990 has an archeologist stumbling upon an ancient relic in a mountain that just happens to possess him and search for blood. Meanwhile his niece, daughter, can’t remember goes with friends to his cabin to fuck around until they are massacred quite quickly. I give the flick 2 stars.

 

Invaders from Mars (DVD) – A mid-80s Tobe Hooper flick that I always get mixed up with 1983s “Strange Invaders”. This flick plays out more like a very creepy episode of “Goosebumps” with wicked ass alien creatures. But anyway one night during a stormy night aliens land at Copper Hill, a small California town where they begin to take over humans and consume copper. Soon most of the town is taken over except for a kid and he gets the school nurse (Karen Black) to believe him and try to help get the army to stop it before it’s too late. The kid is played by Hunter Carson who just happened to be the original Bud Bundy but was let go after the pilot when Ed O’Neal felt like he just wasn’t right for the part. Plus we get a quick Conehead impression from Lorraine Newman (pay attention at the end of the film), James Karen playing an army general, and the legendary Phil Fondacaro is uncredited with playing one of the alien creatures. A cool and creepy classic sci-fi/horror film for many who grew up during the 80s. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Girls Nite Out (DVD) – A 1982 slasher film starring Hal Holbrook that looks more like it was made in 1977. It’s ‘Hell Week’ at college and the new pledges are told of the legendary Dickey Cavanagh who couldn’t take the break up with his girlfriend real well and killed her. Security guard Hal Holbrook makes a phone call to the asylum only to find out Dickey killed himself two days ago when these killings started. This may be the best bear suited slasher film to date as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Kiss in Attack of the Phantoms (DVD) – The made for TV movie was also known as “Kiss Meets the Phantom of the Park” but in 1978 was beyond the imagination of Kiss fans as they could not get enough of Kiss. But the film also marks the beginning of the end for the legendary rock band or at least the original members as fights broke out behind the scenes. The film may be more notorious for its behind the scenes action than what was actually being filmed for the NBC movie of the week? The film had problems from the beginning as Kiss having such a heavy touring schedule at the time was not able to write new songs for the film or even be able to reshoot some scenes that were unusable and eventually some dubbing was done. Plus there was pointing of fingers of drug use, rewrites, etc. But after it was finished all four members refuse to acknowledge the bad film. Basic plot is Kiss comes to play a couple concerts at an amusement park but ends up getting entangled in a fight with an evil scientist that wants to destroy Kiss. The film was based on their comic book characters which also explain how big the band was at the time. The film is completely retarded and doesn’t make much sense but will always give me the memory of my mom looking for the VHS tape for almost a full decade during the 80s so she could give it to my brother for his birthday one year. Too much time has passed for me to remember why it was so hard to find but it always makes for a great memory when watching Peter Criss flipping around, Gene Simmons roaring like a lion for no reason, Paul sporting the hairy chest, and Ace karate kicking weird ass cat people next to a roller coaster! I may only give the movie 1 star but I will always have that memory.

 

The Retaliator (VHS) – The very underrated actor Robert Ginty aka ‘The Exterminator’ is pissed that he captures a American woman (Sandahl Bergman) who is helping terrorists while his team was there to rescue two kids. When Ginty’s character tries to find out more about her he learns she went brain dead so the CIA decides to experiment on her and turn her into a weapon aka “Eve of Destruction”. But soon she gains some memories after killing her target and decides she needs more targets. Great low budget action stuff that will make you forget the Gregory Hines film. I give the flick 3 stars and can be also found under the title “Programmed to Kill”.

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Also you now can purchase the co-directed film project from Daniel Boyd and I called, “Jagoff Massacre” at www.jagoffmassacre.com . There is a sequel in the works…

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at http://bloodbathsandboomsticks.blogspot.com/ .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place that you can purchase a Gross Movie Reviews t-shirt but also Cannibal Campout, Woodchipper Massacre, and Spookies T-shirts also!!!! Go towww.fastcustomshirts.com for details.