Gross Movie Reviews #650

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Salem’s Lot (Max/remake) – So apparently it was time to remake Tobe Hooper’s late 70s TV movie based on the Stephen King’s writing again… but wait first off why did this sit around as a finished film for a couple years and second did we really need an update after that TNT debacle in the early 2000s? Well, there really isn’t any good answer why this film sat around as other remakes of King’s work made it out there immediately. Now on the other thing I feel horror movie fans totally blanked out that this had been remade before but anyhow that is for another conversation. What this film did right was go back to having it set in the 70s of Jerusalem’s Lot as they gave it few little twists enough to make it different but in the same vein as the original. We get Barlow being creepy again, Ben Mears coming back to visit the small town for inspiration, but also we get a solid vampire film that comes under two hours. I was waiting for a shitshow instead you get something old horror fans like myself can show younger people and introduce them to a fun Stephen King movie adaption as I give it 3 stars.

Meth Gator (Tubi) – The movie didn’t start off wonderful as it didn’t believe in the “steadycam” mode for the first five minutes but don’t let that scare you off as Fred Olen Ray’s kid knew exactly what needed to be done. Anyway two meth makers are chased into the swamp of small town Florida to only drop their meth while being chased by cops. Of course it is eaten by a giant gator and we are off to the cliché race of the giant gator becoming an unstoppable human eating machine because it is seeking out more meth! Think ‘Jaws’ formula combined with ‘Cocaine Bear’. Hell even the mayor is a cool familiar face in Patrick Labyorteaux who plays a great dickhead mayor who could care less about the methed up gator. It is a solid horror film about a rampaging gator as I give it 3 stars. I do have to ask why the computerized gator runs like a bear, just an observation.

Shark Exorcist 2: Unholy Waters (DVD) – The legend Donald Farmer is back behind the camera with a who’s who in front for this crazy devil shark Indy horror film. Those damn crazy nuns go raising the devil shark again to have their blessing in killing everyone, meanwhile we also get a priest who is haunted by his brother’s past and knows he must stop this devil shark. While the darklord hunts for its next victim Jessa Flux just wants wine and be at a beach but not that shark beach? If we are being honest here this movie comes off as a mess compared to some of the more recent work that Farmer has done. It isn’t terrible but I can’t tell Indy fans that it’s good either as I got to give it 1 ½ stars.

Blood Mountain Massacre (Tubi) – Yes kids, I have tracked down another “massacre” title and this was a fun one. A dangerous inmate has escaped prison transport and now stalks an all-girl band on the road. To keep the film interesting the killer wears a pig mask, they introduce another possible stalker, the music is actually good, throw in a couple of scumbags that run a bar, some actual thought out cool kills on a low budget, and the movie is played for laughs and we get one hell of a messy but fun horror film. To explain how serious the movie is besides the party scene of a band member bringing out a cement bag of cocaine we get a bartender telling a story that has very quotable hilarious lines about why he wears an eye patch such as: “Her pussy blew up!” and “The bar was full of VAG shrapnel!” I literally laughed the rest of the way through the movie because of the bartender story as I give the film 3 stars.

The Legend of Crick Foot (Vimeo) – First time filmmaker Bone Jawnson takes a cue from the original ‘The Legend of Boggy Creek’ (maybe?) to come up with an urban Sasquatch legend in Hatfield, Pa. The documentary or mockumentary is about a man who is trying to gather as much info about this legend in Hatfield through stories and interviews. But mainly the man is only finding empty hot dog wrappers and a mystery of what exactly is going on. Entertaining no budget Indy take on the Boggy Creek thing that I can give 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

Strange Darling (On Demand) – This serial killer film definitely lived up to its title of being “strange”. The film is the tragic story of many lives taken by a serial killer that spanned a two year period in the Northwest area of the U.S. It is told in six chapters out of order but if it was told in order the movie would have been a very boring concept. The killer spirals out of control after a weird kinky meeting between a man and a woman in a hotel room. That’s about the gist of this strange film because if I say anymore I will give it away and I rather you watch it and decide if this is for you as it just came off more weird than anything to me as I give it 2 stars. The biggest issue with this film will be the rewatchablity so good luck if you feel different.

Halloween Horror Tales (DVD) – A 2018 Indy anthology directed by Jeff Kirkendall that takes place in the small town of Barnum where strange things have always happened. First story is about a killer clown where the victim kills the wrong clown. The second story is a different take on a horror hostess bit. Third story is a no budget story about a killer plant that harkens back to some of the old school 50s flicks. The fourth and final story is about a vampire but the investigator not believing in the bloodsucker was actually kind of refreshing. All the stories were interesting, solid, and Kirkendall knew to keep this at a great running time that makes me encourage Indy fans to check this Halloween fright flick out as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

The Addams Family: Halloween Special (YouTube) – This 1977 TV movie on NBC was actually supposed to be a pilot to bring back the show as most of the regulars showed up to be presented in color. The Addams is celebrating their favorite time of the year Halloween, with a special celebration but of course some crooks come to steal the riches from the spooky family and fail horribly. John Astin and Carolyn Jones as Gomez and Morticia waste no time falling back into their hilarious characters and keep this pseudo pilot full of laughs keeping that old school magic from the original show. If you are a fan and never seen this it’s easy to find on the YouTube and the Tubi so enjoy as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Parasite Lady (Full Moon) – A more recent Chris Alexander Full Moon feature or sorts (43 minutes) is a tasteful artsy vampire film. A female vamp is not just seeking pleasure of the flesh but companionship as she tries to understand why she was turned into a bloodsucker in the first place. Visually it looks amazing but many vampire movie fans are going to find it tough getting through the artsy plot. Not into the artsy stuff you will wanna pass but if you are like me and wasn’t happy with some Alexander’s work you may find this a little more satisfying as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Nano Shark (Tubi) – Maybe one of the surprises of 2024 is this entertaining shark film from filmmaker Brett Kelly. New tech has allowed scientists to possibly shrink a shark down to almost nothing to enter a boy’s bloodstream to seek out and kill a rare blood disease. But… you guessed it a janitor has the tiny shark and the tiny sub injected into his backside by accident. Now it’s up to the military sub team to guide the shark out of his peen hole before it goes back to its original size! Think ‘Innerspace’ with a shark on no budget. Just when you thought the shark ideas were done this hilarious flick comes along and proves there was one more shark movie related idea out there as I give this 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Devil’s Knight (Vimeo) – A one-eyed stranger comes out of the woods to tell the story of “The Lost Blades” an elite group of monster hunters. During a two hundred year war in the realm of Veroka where nations fought this allowed monsters and creatures to thrive and now they terrorize humans in this realm. King Samuel tired of this nonsense hires these so-called monster hunters to put an end to the demon’s reign over his people. This man is the last of the group still searching for this horrific creature. Fantasy film with some cool effects, full of creatures, and a few big names makes this an interesting find for movie fans who are constantly searching the streaming sites for a solid film to watch as I give this 2 ½ out of 4 stars.

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Finally!!! A new episode is up!

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WE RETURN!!!!  This week we cover the classic made for t.v Stephen King adaptation SALEM’S LOT.  And Tim will be covering the Polonia Brothers fishsploitation flick RAZORTEETH.  Also,  we discover that Kyle may be racist cause he doesn’t like Black panther,  Computer and internet woes,  The horse-shit ghosthunter fad and the industry it has spawned.  Old Bootleg toys.  the litany of reasons why we cant make electronic computer stuff work,  where the hell and what the hell we have been doing in the last 3 months.  All this and the wonder that is J.J. ARMS!!!!

 

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