Tag Archives: David Hasselhoff

Gross Movie Reviews #669

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The Final Possession (Tubi) – One of the newest projects from Mark Polonia has Tim Hatch in the role of Father Thomas warning all of us that the devil is coming. The Father’s plan is to send out his disciples to stop the “evil one” and to have the agents of the darklord killed. (Which honestly folks that isn’t God like right or isn’t that against the church? Must be one of those Prophecy film things I am still trying to figure out 25 years later…) Anyhow, if Father Thomas does not accomplish this task it will allow the “Day of Judgement” to come! Bold undertaking for an independent film on a very limited budget as the film will be a fun watch for hardcore Polonia fans. My main complaint of this film is it did entertain me but felt like it was made 30 years too late in the career of Polonia Brothers Entertainment as I feel it would have been a totally different film then and how they would have tackled it? Either way another solid entry into the IMDb list for Polonia and crew as I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and yes I quite enjoyed Tim Hatch reading his lines from the book in a couple of scenes as I have done that on a regular basis (yes, I have become a fan of Tim Hatch)

He Never Left (Plex) – In 1997 at a small town of Larsen City has a masked killer “Pale Face” who haunted the town terribly killing many only to disappear without reason. Now present time, Gabe a recent parole has done something bad and trying to hide out at a seedy motel. Gabe trying to arrange an escape out of town now that authorities are searching everywhere for him has to stay hidden until he gets the call to bolt. Problem something happens in the next room and Gabe believes “Pale Face” is back? This is where the real story begins as Gabe is losing his mind and bodies are starting to pile up again. This is a creative independent serial killer film that will leave many thinking one way or another as there is no middle ground on this movie. Yes, you will know who the killer is but do you actually? The beauty of the film is how it sucks you in believing you are in for another hack and slash Indy but there is a lot more to this than meets the eye. Folks give this film a chance, pay attention, and I quite enjoyed what this film did as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Popeye: The Slayer Man (Amazon) – So the second of three Popeye horror films out there and this one goes with more of what we know of the spinach eating cartoon character. In this version it is rumored a ghost haunts the abandoned spinach canning factory down at the dock and it kills anyone that enters and talks shit on the location. Twenty years later enter sleezeball real estate people, bootleg Joel D. Wynkoop as security, a small group of film students wanting to film on the last night before the building is sold, an abusive boyfriend and his crew and we got a POPEYE SLASHER FILM! WTF? Funny thing happens here folks… the movie works as it becomes a fun bloodbath with an entertaining subplot about radioactive spinach. Gimme stuff like this all the time as I give the cartoon adaption 3 stars.

The Final Alliance (YouTube) – So apparently Hollywood or sub-Hollywood was sucking ideas from my brain long ago as this beauty comes out of the golden era of direct-to-video B-movie junk of 1990 that stars David Hasselhoff as Will Colton who has come back home with… his pet puma! Yep, I got you wanting to watch it before you even finish reading this. Do I even need to write this review at this point? Colton and Felix roll back into town mysteriously on this old farm that bikers have made their ‘fuck pad’. Colton refuses to have any of this go on so he starts kicking ass soon as he enters his old house. But Colton and the pet puma do not stop there as they learn the biker gang and oh did I mention the biker gang is led by the legendary John Saxon with bleached out hair, weird contacts, and rides in a side car the whole film? Back to the story Colton and Felix roll into town meet the town hottie who owns the grocery store and begins to convince the small town it is time to get rid of this biker trash. As Joe Bob would say “have we seen this couple of dozen times? Yes we have. But have you seen it with a weird John Saxon and Hoff’s pet puma?” This amazing hot garbage feels like it was sucked out of my teenager ‘Knight Rider’ loving mind and I am quite happy to let yinz know you can watch it for free on the YouTubes n’at as I give the movie 3 stars.

Empire of the Dark (YouTube) – Holy shit what wormhole did I fall down as I watched this weird fantasy film that was made by Steve Barkett who also stars in it with the likes of Joe Pilato and Jay Richardson. Immediately when it begins it feels like some lost late 70s TV movie that played once and disappeared into the void. Then after credits the movie takes another odd turn as I feel like I just found a lost episode of Commander USA I use to watch as a kid? So here are the plot folks: a cop named Richard goes through a portal (with one bullet by the way) to save his super-hot girlfriend (which there is no way this dude is pulling her). But there is a twist kids he can only save the baby or super-hot ex-girlfriend now mom. He picks the kid and everything is history or until twenty years later strange shit pops up as Richard is a private detective who is working on the “demon slasher” case and dabbles in sword play. (Did Dan Komarek write this shit?) The Satanists are back murdering people, Richard’s hot ex is talking to him in his dreams, and the kid from twenty years ago now grown up wants answers damn it and the only way to defeat the Satanists is with bibles and swords as I give it 2 ½ stars!

Beezel (DVD) – So some weirdo bought a house with a fucked up looking witch living in the basement in 1966. He convinced some female to marry him and become a serial killer of sorts as they feed this witch random people in hopes that this evil presence produces a baby and give them power. Supposedly this witch was taken by humans and that is how she got here so of course she requires a sacrifice if you are going to keep her ass in the basement. A couple (which the girlfriend character is an unlikable bitch) move in the home as the dude is the son of said serial killers and wants to sell this home and get the fuck out of there. Well the girlfriend doesn’t let that happen as she seeks out the stories about the weird shit that has gone on over the years in this house. I know there is horror fans that will just eat this film up and good for you but this movie for me seem to be missing that important ingredient “heart”? I felt like the film wasn’t bad but just going through the paces of hope to start a series of films to keep telling the story of said witch as I can only give the film 2 stars.

Harvester of Eyes (Fawesome) – Polonia and crew with another recent release that concerns eyeballs, a fortune teller, no budget, but also felt like it had to be done in a couple days (felt like there was a time constraint?) This interesting tale features Jamie Morgan throughout and looks like she had absolute fun with it as Sinthia, is sent out by her sister from hell to collect eyeballs from humans. Why eyeballs? Well they are the gateway to souls of mortals which Sinthia’s sister craves. Sinthia leaves the comforts of hell to take over a fortune teller’s business to collect her victims or eyeballs in this case. Things are going great until an old inspector gets involved and figures out the real reason bodies are piling up around town. Jamie Morgan was awesome, Jeff Kirkendall was perfect as the inspector, it just felt like the project was a bit rushed but that could be me but definitely see Polonia fans enjoying another entry outside of the usual Polonia films we have seen in the past as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Mark Polonia: A Life of Monsters, Mayhem, and Movies (YouTube) – For those who are interested this is a quick two part documentary done in two five minute segments in 2015 on the career of Mark Polonia. Most likely a piece for local TV just celebrating what Mark has accomplished in his community. It is a fun look and interview with Mark as they even talk with others who worked with Mark over the years and tell quick stories about him. Another reason to check it out is to refresh people’s memories Mark is one of the godfathers of SOV and what their projects did for the video market in the late 80s and early 90s that many movie fans might not know or have forgotten about. Fun stuff so if you get a chance, its free, its quick as I give it 4 stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #383

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Gross Movie Reviews #383

 Terror

Terror at London Bridge (VHS/Comet TV) – Oh the days of TV movies of the 70s and 80s where to fill time slots during the summer they would make horrible movies with actors and actresses of popular network show… We have David Hasselhoff (1985) playing a detective in London, Arizona who is investigating odd murders on the London Bridge that has been brought to America brick by brick. But it is missing one from the Jack the Ripper days in the 1880s. The brick is found and sent to London, Arizona to have a celebration of completing the bridge. And now Jack the Ripper is back killing again in this NBC TV movie. The Hoff not enough? How about Stephanie Kramer from ‘Hunter’ TV show or Adrienne Barbaeu or Clu Glugar as The Hoff’s boss? The movie is bad but a very fun bad and nostalgic trip down TV movie memory lane. I also believe the film can be found in full YouTube. I give this masterpiece 2 ½ stars.

 

Unidentified (DVD) – A movie about four work friends heading out to Vegas for a weekend of fun. They take a side trip to a remote town only to be scared away before heading to Vegas to take off on some dude they owed money too. Once out in the desert they get lost and followed by something, aliens in this case. I really wanted to like this film but its shaky-cam and taking way too long building up the four friends makes it annoying. I like when horror flicks give characters some background but this went far above and beyond like it was hiding a weak film? If into these types of films maybe go with ‘Area 51’ or ‘As Far So Below’ as I give this stinker 1 star.

 

Fender Bender (DVD/Chiller Channel) – A serial killer in S&M gear when killing gets victims’ information by getting in fender benders. When he meets a new driver he stalks her in her friends in her house during a weekend that her parents go out of town. The trailers looked so much better than film. It had a great opening but from there its 80 minutes of the weird creepy stalking a teenager which more boring as the film goes on. It makes you think it could have a better short film than feature. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Crawlspace (DVD) – Mid-80s crazy Klaus Kinski who is the son of a Nazi doctor who is also obsessed with death. Oh yes fellow horror fans, this flick is well worth revisiting time and time again as Mr. Kinski’s character only rents out to cute college women. This is mainly because he enjoys stalking them with the old ductwork of the building but also because he is bat shit fucking crazy! A very underrated film from Empire Pictures that us old folk are trying to push upon the new generations of horror fans and for good reason as I give this 3 ½ stars.

 

Cast A Deadly Spell (DVD) – Fred Ward as Phillip Lovecraft, a private dick, set in the 40s where everyone has accepted witchcraft as everyday life except Lovecraft. Well David Warner’s character hires him to find a mythical thingy and bring it back to me in two days or for a special ritual that involves his virgin daughter. Cthulhu, demons, end of the world fun shit. So while Lovecraft finds the mythical thingy he also learns that may be bad to give it to David Warner. Great movie on several fronts: film noir genre, Lovecraft genre, creature genre, it has it all in this HBO production that most horror fans forget. I believe it’s because of the bad sequel that stars Dennis Hopper two years later which killed any chance of a series? But what do I know? Anyway if you are Cthulhu fan this film is well worth your time tracking down as I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Johnny Mnemonic (DVD) – Keanu Reeves pretty much right after ‘Speed’ takes on a character where he is carrier of information where it’s uploaded into your skull in this futuristic film. A film that centers on the haves and the have nots. Johnny has uploaded more than he can carry in his mid and wants it out. But his boy Udo Kier has set him up as the information that was uploaded is a cure for the “shakes” or “black plague” I think they refer to once? But with the help of his bodyguard Dina Meyer and her scientist friend Henry Rollins they just might be able to get the information out without killing him. If the information doesn’t then Dolph Lundgren’s character “The Preacher” will! A mid-90s film which I thought was horrible when first released but for an odd reason has actually gotten better with age as I revisit the film every few years. If anything it is better than ‘Hackers’… I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Invisible Invaders (DVD/Theater) – Oh bless Bruce Lentz’s heart for showing this flick to me and a shitload of people. A late 50s film where invisible aliens land on earth and reanimate John Carradine’s corpse to threaten the world. Basically the aliens feel threaten by earthlings since they have developed the atom bomb and want to use it again. Hilarious B-movie action my friends and fun for the whole family as I give it 3 stars.

 

Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice (On Demand) – People are now threaten that Superman can kill all mankind at any point in time so Batman takes it upon himself to stop Superman himself. We are introduced to Wonder Woman and how the “Justice League” starts. It’s a fun popcorn movie nothing great. But just like the ‘Avengers 2’ and ‘Captain America: Civil War’ films they are filler until bigger things come along movie wise. Ben Affleck was okay, the death of Superman could have been its own flick, and Wonder Woman just like the new/old Spidey earlier this year stole the show. Sorry folks we all just need to calm down at times and just enjoy the escape these films can present as I give this 2 ½ stars.

 

Necronomicon: Book of the Dead (YouTube) – A film that just completely baffles a lot of us why this has not found its way on DVD. But also I remember when it was first made it wasn’t like the movie got released right away too so who knows why this film has issues getting out to us nerds. Anyway its anthology film set up by Jeffrey Combs playing H.P. Lovecraft, set in the 30s, going to visit a weirdo church/library thingy with crazy priests that watch over it. Mr. Lovecraft reads through “The Book of the Dead” not realizing it he is unlocking the Cthulhu. The stories involve a great cast in Bruce Payne, David Warner, Richard Lynch, and the beautiful Maria Ford (awesome actress with a great resume but no Kristy Swanson, Tiffany Shepis, or Kathleen Kinmont). The most intriguing thing of the film is Jeffrey Combs/Lovecraft looks a hell of a lot like ‘Army of Darkness’ Bruce Campbell? (Go to YouTube for the trailer and check out the comments many people agree). Another intriguing aspect of the film is Mr. Combs and Mr. Yunza did not get along on set as Mr. Combs did like how the Lovecraft character was portrayed. Okay film buffs go to Google machines as I go find a beer and give this anthology 2 ½ stars.

 

Atomic Shark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Jeff Fahey stars in a shark film where the shark is radioactive from possible radiation leaking from a sunken Russian sub or just the military testing bombs back in the day. Either way, interesting concept for a B-shark flick that also stars David Faustino as a dude trying to use drones to capture footage of babes on the beach. It’s all up to the wannabe Baywatch bunch and creepy Faustino to try and figure out how to kill a radioactive shark that melts its victims before it even gets to eat them. I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Dam Sharks! (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Yep, the moment someone is really reaching for shark movie ideas. But shit, you know I will still watch… at least once! Jason London stars as a bloated rich dude who owns some weirdo computer business that comes up with inventions and decides his workforce needs a retreat weekend. Or at least the ones that survive the downsizing of his company. But they have bigger problems as sharks have infested a river where they were trapped and now become beavers of sorts as they use human victims as the building blocks for their dam. Yes you read that right kids. Damn you SyFy as I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

Ice Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Somewhere past Greenland in the Arctic Circle the ice is melting faster than researchers believe. So with this happening ancient sharks have appeared that never been seen before and now are breaking through the thin ice fucking people up. Who would have guessed it took this long to make a global warming shark flick where they would be in the Arctic? Now add in a Kurt Russell with a flame thrower this film may have been watchable as I give it 1 star.

 

Planet of the Sharks (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Absolutely loved how this one started out as ‘Waterworld’ with sharks on a low budget. But as usual my dreams of being just a crazy cheese ball movie are crushed when they try to give it a lackluster storyline of how the polar ice caps melted and the sharks now feast on humans since there is no fish left. This film really acts like a sequel to ‘Ice Sharks’? Wait… is this like ‘Slumber Party Massacre’ and ‘Cheerleader Massacre aka Slumber Party Massacre 4’ scenario? Shit! No, Michelle Bauer I’m out. When are yinz properly gonna steal ideas from my brain and have ‘Z-Nation’ meet ’12 Monkeys’ meet ‘Farscape’… with sharks? Come on SyFy don’t act like that’s a horrible idea. Nothing was more horrible than destroying this great low budget idea that I watched get crushed slowly into fecal matter aftermath for ‘Sharknado 4’, just sayin. I give the film ½ star, remember I did like the idea but that was before I seen it on film.

 

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