Gross Movie Reviews #347
By Tim Gross
Future Kick (DVD) – It’s the year 2025 and Roger Corman has no budget as usual but have people put together a fun futuristic sci-fi flick starring Don “The Dragon” Wilson, Meg Foster, and Chris Penn. Wilson is the last of the cyborgs who are being hunted down by authorities who helped put the world back in order after the apocalypse and all the rich people moved to the moon. When Meg Foster’s famous computer programmer husband goes back to earth and dies a horrible death, Foster goes to investigate. Oh wait… Fuck you it’s all part of a virtual reality program! Wait “Total Recall”, “Brainscan”, “Wisdom”… you get the picture as I give the flick 1 ½ stars.
Big Bad Wolf (DVD) – A mad mess of a werewolf movie that stars “Full Moon” sensation Robin Sydney, Clint Howard for a cameo, David Naughton for a little more than cameo, the girl from Disney’s “Halloweentown” all pierced up, and “Three O’clock High’s” Richard Tyson as the werewolf version of Freddy Kruger. I didn’t know if I should be excited and have a horror movie orgasm or go find a copy of 1996’s “Bad Moon”… I give the ‘should have been better werewolf flick’ 2 stars.
Deliver Us From Evil (DVD) – Another ‘based on true accounts’ horror flick. The movie stars Eric Bana has a hard working detective who seems to be slipping away from his family that tries so hard to protect from the world he sees daily. But the detective comes across an odd case when he and his partner take a domestic disturbance call that turns out to be a lot more when he is called to the scene of several other weird events. Best way to describe the film is Exorcist-lite with cops. Worth a look my devil horror film fans as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Fantastic Voyage (DVD/YouTube) – A crazy mid-60s sci-fi flick about a surgical team that gets miniaturized inside a scientist’s damaged brain to fix a blood clot. Reason because he has the knowledge to stay miniature longer than 60 minutes. Donald Pleasance is crazy and awesome in the flick and look for James Brolin playing a technician in the film. I give it 2 ½ stars.
The Last Dinner (Vimeo) – A short film directed by Steve Lanthripp about a man (Jonathon) who is having dinner with a lovely lady who just happens to be dead and argues of smelling bad. I enjoyed the concept as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
American Scary (DVD) – A documentary that does an amazing job of chronicling horror/movie hosts throughout the years on TV. It explains its beginnings and its history with a lot of dedicated to hosts from Ohio. A really cool movie for film geeks who are under 25 that totally don’t understand this phenomenon back in the day and why some of us older folks love it. I would have enjoyed a little more Joe Bob Briggs or Elvira but also was surprised of no mention to Rhonda Shear and USA Up All Night. But I did get Chilly Billy so I was happy for that and give the documentary 3 ½ stars.
Gingersquatch (DVD) – Not does this movie exists but it also comes with a little comic book called “Two Fisted Cthulhu Tales”! The film goes the way of the late Ray Dennis Steckler as the director’s cut is 15 minutes shorter than the original finished product. Thankfully Douglas A. Waltz had me in mind (maybe not?) when he wrote, edited, and directed this delightful off-shoot of Sasquatch. The story goes: a family of Gingers goes camping and one of the young ones get lost and is picked up Sasquatches to take care of. But that changes when the military was able to track down the child and try to research him. But since he really didn’t have anything to offer mankind the government sets him up with a house where he is lazy, eats salty snacks, drinks beer in Michigan… Kalamazoo! You only know of the location because of the old arcade game “Rampage”, oh yeah that’s just me. But anyway after someone mentions beef jerky “Gingersquatch” loses his temper, kills several ninjas, and bangs a woman who has a redheaded kid the next day! Oh the movie is bad, no doubt but I loved every minute of it and for that I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
Mutantis (DVD) – The DVD cover looks like the old school 50s and 60s giant rubber monster flicks I seen as a youngster. The film revolves around a legend about a monster/bigfoot that haunts the woods after a power plant was built on top of an old burial ground according a to a drunken Indian dude at a small fruit stand. Let’s not forget the film opens with a narrator explaining toxic waste and how it could have caused this mutation or monster or Mutantis! But Father Joy hell bent on discovering this creature or whatever it is takes his family on a camping trip to Possum Valley to meet a young man and his wife to help him track this thing and become famous. One thing Father Joy and others were not counting on in this 60s theme inspired B-movie is the monster/Mutantis wanting to have sex with all humans, male or female. Oh by the way according to the film only homosexuals’ masturbate? The movie goes out of its way to give you that old school B-movie experience with the clothes, the dedicated acting, the dubbing, incest, and one awesome looking creature. I have to hand it to Kelly Fitzgerald aka Globus Walt Jr. and crew for making a movie that reminds me of watching classics like “Frogs”, “The Creeping Terror”, “Toxic Zombies” on late night TV. If the movie isn’t enough the DVD has some fun extras that include short films “Heavy Metal Weekend Part One and Two” and “Mime” which worthy of watching soon as you are done watching “Mutantis”. Outside of the excess of monster rape scenes I totally enjoyed the flick as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars and yes the monster rape is essential to the plot! You can find out more or pick up the film at www.direwitfilms.com .
Dead Days (You Tube) – Haven’t heard from independent filmmaker Chuck Skibo for a while but he is back and focused as this a first of many projects in the works for this talented dude. This short film stars independent actress talent Katie Stewart fighting for her life in this quick story of what’s worse the zombies or humans? I give it 2 ½ out of 4 stars and you can watch at: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nzM_1NP82IQ , Mutant Strain Pictures is back and that makes me happy.
Grosshouse (YouTube) – No folks it wasn’t inspired by me or a drunken rant from Ed Quillin it’s a feature length film from Alex Powers and Doug Waugh. The movie plays out like a mish-mash of John Waters was 21 again, had no money, and decided he wanted to make a no budget film on digital video in 2002. What does that mean? The film is a little weird… possibly a little too weird for my taste. That isn’t a bad thing it just means I may not be intended audience. But when 23 year old Marty who is inspiring himself to become a big time Hollywood writer his mom/dad/you make your choice here, constantly verbally abuses him and makes Marty bury the bodies his mom calls clients. It tends to work against Marty. Marty is a dreamer and snaps when mother has had enough of Petunia after Petunia tells Marty that they are siblings and must have sex in the shower. Once Petunia is dead Marty plots his revenge against his mama. It’s odd, it’s a little disgusting to some most likely but again like I said I am not its intended audience but thank the filmmakers for allowing me to view it as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about “Grosshouse” here: https://www.facebook.com/grosshousemovie .
Lake Placid vs. Anaconda (SyFy Channel/DVD) – The movie most likely shouldn’t have been made, but it was and I watched it so go fuck yourselves the high and mighty insert your name here horror websites that spent more time than I ever thought they would bashing an easy target of a movie but praise “Paranormal Activity 29”. Yeah its bad but that is the beauty of these endless sequels that help pay for Robert Englund’s union dues for the year, Yancy Butler’s comeback, and still do not know why Corin Nemec loves doing these projects but hey more power to you brother. Corin is approaching double digits of SyFy channel flicks for those that are counting? So guess what the crocs have escaped again from Black Lake and its electric barrier and looking for their next meal until some dumb ass again was experimenting with another anaconda. Like I said it’s horrible but it gives me an excuse to sit in on a Saturday night, drink a six pack and have a pizza! I give it 1 star.
Bad Biology (Blu-ray/DVD combo) – There is David Lynch, David Croenberg, and even John Waters and these filmmakers can be bizarre but the man/filmmaker who in my mind has a stranglehold on this title is Frank Henenlotter. The mere mention of “Basket Case” makes the hardcore horror movie fans smile. If “Frankenhooker” is spoken even by accident you can always hear in the distance from someone “Wanna Date?” So when I finally sat down to watch this oddity from the mastermind of bizarre I already knew what I was getting myself into and all I can say is the only things that could have made this film better is an appearance from ‘Elmer’ or Duane Bradley. The film is about a photographer named Jennifer and she has sexual issues or a bad vagina that she was born with. Bottom line she has trouble falling in love until she meets a man named Batz whose house is used for a photo shoot of Jennifer’s and by mistake learns his sexual secret of having a monstrous penis that has a mind of its own. Sexual organs made for each other in a love story that could only come from the mind of Frank Henenlotter. It’s bizarre but beautiful and fucking hilarious as Mr. Henenlotter proves he still owns the title and thank god for that. Because we also get the talents of Gabe Bartalos and Al Magliochetti that produce the amazing bizarre effects for the flick! I give this truly bizarre beauty 4 stars.
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