Gross Movie Reviews #390

The Crooked Man (DVD/SyFy Channel) – During a sleepover a little girl is accused of killing her best friend. Now six years later she comes home from the hospital and the small town folks are not happy and neither is her former friends. Now six years older her friends are showing up murdered and the little girl is still blaming a dark figure called “The Crooked Man”. The only person that believes her is a mysterious private investigator who may have been the root cause years ago? The film stars Michael Jai White, Dina Meyer, and Amber Benson. Great cast, cool horror version of the nursey rhyme, and some pretty cool gore effects along the way as I give it 3 stars.

Day of Reckoning (DVD/SyFy Channel) – While fracking a big time gas company let loose an apocalypse! Demons rolled out of a crater and killed millions worldwide in a 24-hour period. 15 years have passed since then but there are crucial signs happening in the world saying the demons are coming back to finish what they started. Fun take on anti-fracking and it stars Barbara Crampton that’s enough for me to watch and give it two stars.

Stake Land II (DVD/SyFy Channel) – If you have trouble finding this vampire sequel it has been released under another title “The Stakelander”. Ten years have passed in the vamp-infested apocalypse. ‘The Mister’ moved on again into the wastelands/stake lands and Martin now has a wife and child in New Eden, Canada. But a new female vamp has organized not only vamps but humans who believe she is doing god’s work (The Brotherhood) and they have just killed Martin’s family. Now back on the road Martin enters the Stake Lands looking for ‘The Mister’ to find him, patch him up, and kill this female vamp leader! The sequel does a pretty good job in expanding the background of ‘The Mister’ but also continuing the storyline of the Martin and Mister characters. I enjoyed they brought in genre veteran Steven Williams for this bloody sequel and I still like the idea of vamps basically causing the apocalypse as I give this sequel 3 stars.

Shadows of the Dead (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Some high school kids decide to do an ‘Anti-prom’ at a remote cabin. A girl wonders off and finds herself become a vessel for a shadow creature. Friends try to get her help but their van crashes and they all end up in the hospital. After the funeral the friends find they have been marked with a weird bruise and now are being stalked by a dark creature that had taken over their friend in the woods. Only light can help them in this lackluster horror film that may help you find that fast forward button? I give the flick 1 ½ stars.

Blood Soaked (DVD) – The film’s intro on the back of the box is “Lesbians vs. Zombies”… Okay, cool I am in of course until I watched it. Piper has just made the transition to college and makes a great friend in Ashley, since her boyfriend is banging the other hot girl at the generic Wal-Mart. The two are driving back a long lonely desert road when they are run off by two Nazi loving sisters. The sisters kill Ashley because she is a lesbian, kidnap Piper, make Ashley a zombie, Piper kills her, and they keep Piper captive. The film seems to be missing that extra something and got boring at times, stick with “The Green Room” folks you’ll thank me later as I give this one star.

Anton Rook: Scourge of the Vampire (DVD) – Anton Rook is an investigator of the strange and he needs to hire a new assistant. Rachel needing the money pretty bad makes a good case why she should be hired? So Rook has Rachel help him look into murder victims that have bite marks and been drained of blood. Anton quickly gets on the trail of the murderous vamps and Rachel helps dispose of them quickly to ensure her employment. The 32 minute film is a weird mix of old “Doctor Who” and “Masterpiece Theater” on PBS when I was a kid. The idea and characters are intriguing and can possibly make a fun feature length film or ongoing web series? I give this project 2 ½ out of 4 stars and more about the film or filmmakers can be found at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

Neighbor (DVD) – In a small mid-west town a professor brings back to life a mummy (named Ashley) to help him with the Mayan calendar and what it all means? Once awaken Ashley the mummy doesn’t care to help she just wants to feed on humans. The fate of the world now lies in all too curious boy and a luchador that has lost his way. The premise sounds interesting but not enough to make the project work as I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars. Another project from: www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

Modesto (DVD) – A small town that is mostly controlled by one man, Mr. Kersey and he has a new visitor in town. Problem is this one man has to town with revenge and killing anyone in his way of destroying Mr. Kersey. Clint Eastwood perfected this movie concept but cool to see it tried on a small film scale but still only give it 2 out of 4 stars. More about the project can be found at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

Children of the Way (DVD) – Apparently the fine folks at Witch Doctor Films felt the same way about the Anton Rook character and threw him in a full feature to see if movie fans would embrace it? A young woman goes missing and her parents convince Anton Rook to take the case. Rook and his assistant investigate the disappearance and soon find out she was taken by a strange cult called ‘Clisthu’. It is even believed the cult has some supernatural power and has several community members under their power. Not a lot of action but a lot of dialogue… Again for me at least it’s an intriguing character but it is a weird mix of PBS stuff you would see late at night as a kid. Putting that out there I am not totally sold it can work in feature-length films as I also listened to an audio CD of Anton Rook. I know there is an audience for it and I may not be it in the long run but glad it exists and hopes the right people find this project and enjoy it as I give it 2 out of 4 stars. The project can be purchased at www.witchdoctorfilms.com .

Empire of the Dark (DVD) – Steve Barkett is one of those weird people like us that love to make fun bad movies. No budget who cares Barkett is still going to make the film he wants too! Barkett did everything from directing to acting to catering to get this film made in 1990 like his underground apocalypse 1982 film “The Aftermath”. A police officer (Richard Flynn) receives a strange call from his former lover who needs help at her husband’s warehouse. Flynn arrives at the warehouse and finds himself choosing between a baby and his former lover in a different dimension or generic hell as I was calling it while watching. The baby is saved, girl dies, satanic ritual doesn’t happen… 20 years pass and some kid comes looking for Richard Flynn only Flynn is now a private detective living in the mountains taking sword lessons. Richard soon has to fend off demons again, satanic dudes wanting to do the ritual again, and sword-wielding minions that want to kill Richard! This is a perfect example of B-movie greatness. So get the beer, get hookers, get the firetrucks, get the farm animals and prepare yourself for some beautiful crappiness that needs to be witnessed and cherished! I give this flick a solid 3 stars just for being so bad it’s “Treasures of the Four Crowns” good.

Lurkers (DVD) – Cathy as a kid would see ghosts and such at her apartment. Cathy also believed her mother and the other kids that lived there were trying to kill her? 15 years later and still scarred from her horrific childhood and still blamed by her brother (who is a priest by the way) for their mother’s death is getting married. This guy is so perfect but Cathy keeps having weird supernatural occurrences and dreams telling her not to go home. But Cathy brushes them off to go with her soon to be husband to a work party that just happens to be in the same building she grew up at. Cathy haunted by this tries to escape but even on the streets she goes back to the building to try and face her fears and until she becomes one of the Lurkers? Yeah it sucks donkey balls folks and what doesn’t help is the VHS (if any left?) may be a better transfer than what is floating out there on DVD? Wanna be bored and feel like banging your head off the wall for 80 minutes or so then this one star horror film is for you!

Terror on Tour (DVD) – The film was finished in 1980 but not released until 1983 is about a generic “Kiss” band but they are called “The Clowns”. The band has a loyal following for their antics on stage. So loyal the police believe one of the members of the band could be murdering their fans? As the bodies pile up and the band’s popularity grows the real question becomes will anyone book them if everyone is being killed? I really enjoyed the concept of the film and could have been a cult classic of sorts. But inside it is a sad excuse for a slasher film, show a lot of weird 80s boobs, and not a ton of gore. I give the film 1 ½ stars.

Alien Origin (Blu-ray) – A found footage film about a Special Forces team and a journalist who go into the jungle for an investigation, they all disappeared shortly after in 2011. The footage appeared six months later and this was what happened. They supposedly found aliens that have the same DNA as us or another prime reason why I need to stop watching these types of shitty films… I give it 0 stars.

Lords of Light! The Story of Thundarr the Barbarian (YouTube) – A fun 20 minute short film and look back at one of my favorite Saturday morning cartoons of all time. Interviews with creators Ruby and Spears, opens up some light on how they came up with the concept for the cartoon but how it did not last either? If you are old like me and remember Saturday morning cartoons this is worth the trip down memory lane and they claim “Star Wars” may have help them come up with the cartoon. I give it 4 stars.

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