Gross Movie Reviews #324
By Tim Gross
Hack – O – Lantern (VHS) – The lesser known 80s horror film is best known under its title “Halloween Night”. The film directed by Jag Mundhra which I had to watch the movie for the mere reason he has “Jag” as a name. Can’t help it, it’s a Pittsburgh thing. But anyway Jag directs a film about satanic grandpa who has special plans for his grandson or son? When you watch the flick you’ll understand. Gramps has a satanic cult going and he is shaping his grandson/son into the next leader of this evil cult. Problem is Tommy isn’t following Grandpa’s lead. The film is a lot of fun as we got incest, butt tattoos, a Dead End Drive-in poster, a horrible party band, and possible sacrifices! Sounds like a classic Halloween horror film worth watching as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Snakehead Swamp (SyFy Channel/DVD) – God damn experimental snakeheads find their way into the Louisiana swamp and they are eating all the locals. But one man believes it’s a legendary curse from a relative that was wrongly murdered 200 years ago who is angry and seeking revenge on those who live there. “Snakehead Terror” was more fun and SyFy Channel seems hell bent on going to the well one too many times on these types of films. SyFy, they all cannot be “Frankenfish”! I give it 1 ½ stars.
Eye of the Tiger (DVD) – Its 1986 and Gary Busey hasn’t fought Mel Gibson and the great “end of the film fight” scene yet and hasn’t fucked himself up so bad with drugs he has become a running joke? Busey’s character is a man who just got released from jail after serving a few years and just wants to go back home and start all over with his kid and wife. Well, a motorcycle gang led by William Smith has other plans. Best way to describe this flick with legendary actor Yaphet Kotto is calling it an extended episode of “A-Team” starring Gary Busey! I give the film 3 stars.
The Lego Movie (DVD) – “Everything is awesome!!!” That pretty much explains the whole film and that song will get stuck in your head for days. The film is a great mix of comedy, drama, and family entertainment. I was surprised how good this movie was and is for anyone 2 years old or 200… Also you might end up wanting to bust out your old Legos too after watching this flick as I give it 4 stars.
Mega Scorpions (Full Moon Streaming) – J.R. Bookwalter decided in 2003 to put together a giant bug film starring the wonderful Trent Haaga, the beautiful Brinke Stevens, independent vet Jeff Dylan Graham, and before porn career Sunny Leone. Most likely because he had seen the popularity of it on SyFy Channel but because of a deal Full Moon had with another studio the film wasn’t released until late last year. Six foot scorpions fucking people’s days up… Yep, I’ll watch that! I give it 2 stars. And once again Trent Haaga was AWESOME!
Watchers 3 (VHS) – “I got it on the VH”, had to say it just for my mom! This is the Wings Hauser film that I get confused with “Xtro 3: Watch the Skies”. But anyway Roger Corman’s company takes a shot this time around of bringing Dean Koontz’s famous novel “Watchers” to the silver screen by making it a no budget remake of “Predator”. Not as exciting as Carl Weathers losing an arm to an invisible alien hunter but I do love me some Wings Hauser playing fetch with a golden retriever! And for that I give it 2 stars.
Insecticidal (DVD) – The movie’s tagline was ‘Sorority Girls vs Giant Bugs’… SOLD! An awesomely horrible film has a young lady named Scary Cami who is doing research and experiments on her pet bugs in the basement of her sorority. One escapes and scares a couple who is bumping uglies upstairs and forces her sorority sisters to spray them with insecticide! This later has an adverse effect as the zombie bugs soon begin to grow six to eight foot tall and have a hunger for stupid naked college girls. The movie is bad, real bad. But in how bad the effects and dialogue is at times I began to find it entertaining like it was filmed this way on purpose knowing that I would be watching it? So you like bad giant bug movies? Get the beer; get the pizza, because I will be coming to your house to watch this classic again! I give it 3 stars for this horrible yet entertaining horror film!
Snow Piercer (DVD) – Humans fuck up the future again in this brilliant post-apocalyptic action film that seems to have some star power names in front and behind the camera. 2014 many countries shoot up in the air this experimental gas or what not called CW-7 that is supposed to slow or stop global warming. Instead, it sends the world into the next ice age within days. Well, with a railroad that is connected completely around the globe two men invent a train that never stops as it protects what’s left of humanity. 17 years has past now and the train is still chugging along difference is the people at the back of the train are tired of being prisoners of the rich at the head of the train. And there is an order that must be kept or the train could go in chaos causing humanity to die off. So it soon becomes a story of one man and his idea of making it to the head of the train everyone will be equal. A lot of social issues, a lot of gore, and an amazing story make this one of the best films of 2014 that will not make the theaters for most. I give the film 4 stars even though I am not sure I like the ending?
Lockout (DVD) – An updated version of Christopher Lambert’s “Fortress” in many ways stars Guy Pearce as a convict who is asked to break into a space prison to save the president’s daughter Maggie Grace. Great blend of sci-fi, action and the old school one man will defeat 500 stories that never get old! Really enjoyed this flick but seeing Maggie Grace in this flick makes me really respect her film career since she was on “Lost” TV series as keeps picking these great action films. I give the film 3 stars.
Flu (DVD) – An amazing recent Korean film that tackles social issues when a horrible superbug or superstrain of Avian Flu arrives when human traffickers open a shipping container that is supposed to have a bunch of people that paid to be in Korea instead are all horribly dead except for one man who escapes. Soon between the escapee and the human traffickers the super flu is being spread throughout the suburb city of Seoul and with no cure Seoul, Korea is next and the world after. Doctors and foreign leaders struggle to come up with a plan of action until a cure is found. A very dramatic and social commentary on how the government treats people no matter what part of the world you live in. The film is dubbed for those of you who hate reading movies… Kyle Poling! The amount of cool gore shots is underrated also. I give this Korean flick 4 star.
Wolf Creek (DVD) – Since I was going to watch the new sequel it was time to give this Australian torture flick another chance as it came out in the mid-2000s with a slew of other torture flicks that for me isn’t always my cup of tea or beer. Three friends venture off to Wolf Creek Crater in the middle of nowhere to enjoy the sights but get a whole lot more when their vehicle refuses to start. The three friends soon meet a man named Mic Taylor who helps them out and takes him back to his camp/home. Soon the friends wake up to a man who wants to torture and kill them. The movie takes a long while to get going as it lays the story for you to sympathize with the characters like the original “Texas Chainsaw Massacre”. I don’t hate it, don’t like it but it is Australian and glad I gave it another chance as I give it 2 stars.
Wolf Creek 2 (On Demand) – Surprised it took how many years later for a sequel but there is one and if you are a fan of the first you will like the second film as it starts out just like the first film. The first half of the film is all set-up like the first film but takes a very different but fun turn as it goes the direction of 1986’s “Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2” where it changes from just being another torture film to a complete fun chaotic ride into horror! The film dives knee deep in gore and character development of the cannibalistic bushman Mic Taylor. At first I wasn’t liking the sequel but as the film got going in the second half it made appreciate staying patient and enjoying this fun horror mess of a film. I give one of the best horror films of 2014, 3 ½ stars and hope there will be another sequel.
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