Gross Movie Reviews #385
Navy Seals vs. Zombies (DVD) – Michael Dudikoff heads a team of special Navy Seals that are ready for anything. A zombie outbreak traps the vice president in Baton Rouge, Louisiana, and the Navy Seals are sent in to rescue him. Once finished they must head to a different location in the city looking for scientists at a classified CIA lab to extract them for the possible cure to the outbreak. Along the way the Seals are being filmed by a reporter who is looking for her big break. For the most part horror fans the box art is better than the film as it’s just another cookie cutout zombie flick that the only reason to watch is for the “Dudikoff”. I give this lame zombie film 1 ½ stars.
Freaks of Nature (DVD) – It amazes me the crap that makes the theater and then the random unbelievable awesome horror films that just show up on cable, On Demand, etc. This flick is the latter as aliens attack the small town of Dillford. The town has its issues as humans, vampires, and zombies are finding it very hard to coexist these days and the alien invasion gives them a reason to fight each other. Meanwhile, during the alien invasion and the war between Dillford residents, three teenagers (a human, a vampire, and a zombie) all must get over their everyday hang-ups of being teenagers. If they do not the world is surely going to die. The film has a great dialogue, great effects, but it all doesn’t work without these three: Mackenzie Davis, Nicholas Braun, and Josh Fadem. Without them this movie is nothing but because of them the film has that allure of a ‘Weird Science’ or ‘The Monster Squad’ or ‘Popcorn’ where movie fans will want to watch it over and over again. An amazing masterpiece in my eyes as I give it 4 stars and surely it will be on my “Best of 2016 list”.
Knucklebones (DVD/Vimeo) – Here’s a little unknown horror film from Mitch Wilson and Midnight Releasing about some weird demon shit going down at a dry cleaner in Texas, 1976. 40 years we are introduced to a cute college girl named Neesa who gets dumped by her long time cute boyfriend. Neesa goes with the next step of trying to commit suicide but does not succeed. So when released, friends try to help and get her out of her funk by taking her along with two dudes to the supposedly haunted dry cleaner that has been closed since that faithful day in 1976. They find a box that has dice/bones/summoning stones (take your pick) and it has written instructions. So of course let’s summon demons and get our young nubile bodies sliced and diced! But it does not stop there as the demon “Knucklebones” they bring to life survives on death and gore but also does a horrible Freddy Kruger impression. After killing several people and the dice being crushed Neesa goes completely batshit crazy bad ass and cuts off her hand! Only to burn the flesh off the hand and send old Knucklebones away. What looked like a boring independent horror film not worth talking about turned into a gorefest where demons use chainsaws and women go Bruce Campbell to save the fucking world! My only complaint of the whole film is the decision of Knucklebones cracking shitty jokes the whole way. Outside of that little complaint this movie is bad ass with its demon, its gore, and just a bad ass character in Neesa. Thank you Midnight Releasing for putting this wonderful horror film out there as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. You can find out more about it at: www.braindamagefilms.com or www.midnightreleasing.com .
Green Room (DVD) – So Patrick Stewart runs a club for Nazi punks… that’s normal. Honestly fun thriller as an underground punk band finds a gig in the middle of the woods in skinhead country. They play a bad ass gig, get paid, grab their shit, and witness a murder. Bad news you cannot leave because Patrick Stewart gotta take care of things. So it’s up to the trapped band members to fight their way through killer dogs, skinheads, and just Nazi punks wanting to prove themselves. It gets pretty graphic and only bad thing I can say is I felt like I seen this movie before but don’t let that stop you from watching this non-stop onslaught of craziness. I give the film 3 stars.
The Demented (DVD) – Six partying college friends just happen to be at a cabin where a dirty bomb goes off nearby and zombies happen because of the bio-chemical fallout. They must fight their way out of the cabin and the small nearby town just to get some help. I felt like the film ‘Chemical Peel’ may have done this a little better but they don’t have zombies as I give this 2 stars.
Auto Shop of Horrors (DVD/YouTube) – When Glen Berggoetz contacts me about a new flick he has done I know it’s gonna be a good day and it was with his latest project that he co-produced, co-written, co-directed, and of course starred in. Glen’s character is Randy. Randy happens to be a mechanic at the local auto shop who is very interested in the ancient Aztecs. As you know “the ancient Aztecs use to eat people’s eyeballs so they can see in the future.” Randy doesn’t question it at all and just goes with it as the auto shop now turns into ‘Blood Diner’. With each new client having engine trouble, Randy traps them, kills them, eats their eyeballs, and pushes them off a cliff in their car (or the same car in every scene.) Even when a detective begins questioning Randy that doesn’t stop Randy from being obsessed with eating eyeballs and seeing in the future. The highlights are licking eyeball scene which may be the most disturbing thing I have ever seen, his visions of ‘Midget Zombie Takeover, and what looks like twizzlers hanging from the eyeballs once removed. Glen has produced another classic independent horror film that is worthy of its title and to be watch by many as I give it 3 out of 4 stars. Find out more about the film or Glen’s other worthy projects go here: www.facebook.com/glenn.berggoetz or www.facebook.com/AutoShopOfHorrors .
Isle of the Dead (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Joey Lawrence is a part of a Navy Seal team going to an island that is infested with zombies. The island became infested after a military experiment went wrong ten years ago so now the government sends in a team to extract information before nuking the island. I am sorry you are still processing I said Joey Lawrence but either way just move along because you are not missing much in this latest entry to the zombie genre as I give it maybe 1 star …
Venomous (DVD) – A 2002 flick about Treat Williams playing a doctor in the desert town of Santa Mira where rattlesnakes just happen to be carrying a new strain of “Ebola”. These rattlesnakes just happen to be a mutation of an experiment during the Iraq war that disappeared or the building blew up. Long buried but now rearing its ugly head in this small town some military types want everyone to go away permanently as they try to convince Andrew Stevens to nuke the town. But Treat Williams and his cute ex-wife finally come up with antidote and get on TV to stop the nukes! Treat Williams always makes “when animal goes bad” flicks so much fun as I give this snake flick 2 ½ stars.
Terrordactyl (DVD) – A generic “Tucker and Dale” hook up with a cute bartender to fight space dinosaurs and there wasn’t even an Eric Roberts cameo. Count me out as I give this flick 1 star.
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