Author Archives: grossmoviereviews

Episode 171 is up for listening pleasure

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This week GARY HILL come back to the show (for a little while before falling into internet oblivion) to discuss PUPPET MASTER 4 and 5 and the great Italian gore masterpieces DEMONS 1 and 2. Also we talk about a murder that may or may not be happening on the show, the genre of Ringosploitation, Kyle gets addicted to the best videogame that has ever been made in Bloodborne, serial killers and their antics, we watch the Ash Vs. Evil Dead trailer, new Blu ray announcements, And we go through a list of films that Kyle has never seen.  

 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

episode 171

Gross Movie Reviews #356

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Gross Movie Reviews #356

 

By Tim Gross

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The Ghost Club: Spirits Never Die (DVD/Vimeo) – The lower budget film stars William Forsythe as the caretaker of a haunted mansion (The Wilkensen Mansion) that has over a hundred years of hauntings. He has opened it up for some paranormal experts who have a TV show and are always on the prowl to investigate the next haunted place. Yes, it is influenced by “Ghost Hunters” and “Ghost Adventures” shows but what makes this flick a little different and interesting is the group of experts is not exactly sure they believe in ghosts. But their perspective changes quickly when the group begins to find actual proof of spirits. But the spirits are not happy they are there and begin to terrorize the group. Soon one or more members go missing, get possessed, and even get the shit beat out of them. Usually I am all about taking a huge steamy poo on these flicks because most are useless. But director Hank Blumenthal makes great use of William Forsythe and thrives with the story at hand where most fail! For that I give this flick 3 out of 4 stars. You find out more about the film at: http://www.michaelmailerfilms.com and watch it on Amazon Prime.

Bigfoot

Bigfoot the Movie (DVD) – This low budget flick is from filmmaker Jared Show who casts his Sasquatch film with Pittsburgh celebrities and “Pittsburgh Dad” himself Kurt Wootton. Kurt sets aside the character he is famous for to play one of the three main characters Chuck. The story centers around two of Ellwood City’s finest idiots Chuck and Dale who think they seen Bigfoot kill their friend. Eventually they involve the third main character Burl, an exterminator; to help them kill Sasquatch as no one in the small town believes them. While Bigfoot keeps decapitating the locals the only ones that seem to believe its Sasquatch is Chuck, Dale, and Burl as word has gotten out it is a bear or so it seems. Someone doesn’t want the truth to get out but the ‘three stooges’ want the creature dead. The film has quite a few laughs in it, has a great Burt Reynolds-style bar fight, and an amazing creature suit that makes the film well worth the watch no matter what your opinion is. The one thing that holds the film back is the ATV montage and the falling in love angle between Dale and the cute bartender about an hour in which stalls the laughs and the film in its tracks. But don’t let that stop you from enjoying a funny independent creature flick and one of the best Sasquatch costumes I have ever seen. I give the film 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.jspictures.com or you can also check out www.bigfootthemovie.com .

 

Terminator: Genisys (Theater) – Oh the brilliant and horrible mess this film is… I love it in all its horrible mess of glory. Pretty much this time around when you watch the film you are asked to forget everything you know from past films… literally. As if you try to piece it all together it will make your head hurt. But this time around when Reese goes back to 1984 he is the one being saved by Sarah Connor and her bodyguard Arnold the Terminator who was sent back several years before that. It took a few movies but apparently Skynet got smarter (hahaha) and sent a Terminator back in time to kill Sarah Connor when she was like 8 years old… Huh? Exactly, so fuck it! You wanna see old ass Arnold fuck a lot of shit up and still be a bad ass Terminator? Bingo! You got it but remember don’t do hard drugs or drink too much while watching or you might think its 2017 and Skynet renamed itself. I give the mess 2 ½ stars.

 

Monkey Boy (VHS) – This British killer monkey movie had so much potential as it begins with a monkey experiment gone wrong that kills several people at The Jenner Clinic. But then it does its best to bore you to death or put you to asleep immediately as ‘Monkey Boy’ kills some kids’ parents in the countryside to play Crazy Eights with them. Go figure… I give it ½ a star.

 

Nomads (VHS/DVD-R) – Pierce Brosnan is anthropologist that has finally come back home from traveling all over the world but apparently some weird tribe spirits have followed him home. And now they embody some street punks that happen to be Adam Ant and Mary Woronov who haunt Pierce for most of the movie if you are able to follow this weirdo flick. The evil spirits are called Nomads in this non-exciting horror flick. I give the film 1 star.

 

The Believers (DVD) – This 1987 voodoo film has Martin Sheen and his kid watching his wife get electrocuted in the first five minutes of the film. It forces Martin Sheen to move across the United States to take up his practice as a doctor for cops who recently had to kill someone on duty. While Martin isn’t banging the holly hell out of his landlady his kid has been marked for sacrifice by some weird dude that was brought into the US to kill first borns so their fathers get rich, powerful, and live longer. The material the film is based on is a lot more interesting than the film itself but the film does have its moments. I give the flick 2 stars.

Blood

Blood on the Reel: The Guts behind Indie Horror (Google/DVD) – This latest project from Johnny Daggers is a documentary of sorts that shares interviews, stories, and trailers of many independent filmmakers. Mr. Daggers interviews too many to count filmmakers and film critics to tell their stories about how they got started, what influenced them, and their passion for the business. It takes you inside and also supports what a lot of these men and women do not think as a hobby as much of a dream come true and will do anything to keep making it a reality. Filmmakers such as Massimilano Cerchi, Glen Coburn, Mike O’Mahony, Craig Everett Earl give you the viewer, independent film enthusiast an inside look like never before. Of course Mr. Daggers makes himself the center of attention because it’s his project but he does a superb job of getting information out of these filmmakers that may have never been heard by a mainstream viewer. The film is an eye-opening experience even for an independent movie viewing vet like myself and gets me excited to see such a project feature so many great filmmakers the world has yet to know. I give Mr. Daggers’ well-made and well-cared for project 3 ½ out of 4 stars. You can find out more about the film at: www.sglentertainment.com and www.sglmoviestore.com

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Cinema Wasteland October 2-4, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.cinemawasteland.com for more details on the convention.

The Ghost Club: Spirits Never Die “They’re Everywhere!”

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The Ghost Club: Spirits Never Die haunts 40,000,000 homes and is now on Amazon, Vimeo, BigStar, and IndieFlix with a DVD coming out to Walmart and other stores. , iTunes, Hulu, VUDU, Playstation, Xbox and more providers coming soon.

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New York, NY – July 2015 –

The Ghost Club: Spirits Never Die, starring William Forsythe, is a steampunk inspired comedic horror film that follows the team of a foundering reality ghost hunting TV show on its last investigation. The film produced by Michael Mailer Films, and directed by Hank Blumenthal was released to over forty million homes on Comcast, Cox, Mediacom, Suddenlink, AT&T, and Verizon via their video-on-demand services. It is also on subscription and rental services Amazon, Vimeo, IndieFlix, and Bigstar with rollouts on DVD, iTunes, Hulu, VUDU, Playstation, Xbox and more providers coming soon.

The movie is a tongue-in-cheek look at a paranormal ghost hunting based on The Ghost Club, which was founded in 1862 in London and is now a live TV show. It is a loving, if satirical look at the ghost hunting genre with William Forsythe as a fantastic, hilarious caretaker. For laughs and fun thrills in a sexy, ghost package please check it out.

ALL CAST TEAM MEMBERS ARE AVAILABLE FOR PHONE OR EMAIL INTERVIEWS. WILLIAM FORSYTHE AS SCHEDULE PERMITS.

The core team behind this project:

William Forsythe stars in The Ghost Club as the caretaker who acts as ringmaster to a darkly comic take on ghost hunting. He has appeared in over 80 feature films including The Rock, Gotti, and Raising Arizona. He had starring roles in the TV series Mob Doctor in 2013 and as Al Capone in the Untouchables. He was nominated for a Best Supporting Actor Independent Spirit award for his performance in The Waterdance (1992). William was tapped to portray Philadelphia gangster Manny Horvitz in a recurring role on HBO’s Boardwalk Empire from 2011 – 2013.

Michael Mailer produced The Ghost Club film. Mailer has produced over 20 features. His films include the critically acclaimed Two Girls and a Guy, starring Robert Downey, Jr, Heather Graham, and Natasha Gregson Wagner; Black and White, starring Ben Stiller, Elijah Wood, and Mike Tyson; and Empire, starring John Leguizamo, Denise Richards, and Peter Sarsgaard. Mailer’s latest films are: The James Toback feature, Seduced and Abandoned, starring Alec Baldwin, which screened out of competition at the 2013 Festival de Cannes and is being distributed in North America by HBO; A Little Game, directed by Evan Oppenheimer and starring Olympia Dukakis, F. Murray Abraham, and Janeane Garofalo; Student Bodies, directed by Andrew Drazek and starring Tom Arnold, Simon Rex, and Chris Lemmon; Friends and Romans, directed by Chris Kublan and starring Michael Rispoli, Annabella Sciorra, Paul Ben Victor, and Tony Sirico.

Hank Blumenthal directed and co-produced The Ghost Club film. He has produced over 14 feature films, including In the Soup, which won the Grand Jury Prize at the Sundance Film Festival. He has also served as Head of Production at Arrow Films and Director of Post Production at IFC Films. In digital media, Hank was previously Program Manager of Emerging Media at Possible Worldwide where he created various iTV projects, future vision prototypes for converged media, and experimented with interactive narratives and gaming – some clients included Microsoft, Cablevision, Viacom, and Panasonic. He also won a Webby Award for Best Music Site for Sputnik7.com.

 

Jason Nunes wrote and stars in The Ghost Club film. In addition to writing feature films, he has written web series (for clients including Viacom), plays, and short stories. He is also a web strategist, creating the first interactive online soap opera and has over 20 years of experience designing web applications, mobile applications, and games for top companies including CNN, Vogue magazine, Coca-Cola, and Nokia.

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Gross Movie Reviews #355

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Gross Movie Reviews #355

 

By Tim Gross

 

Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Once again there is Sharknados! And they are falling on the whole East Coast and Finn must save many people again. But hey his girl Tara Reid is pregnant and about to burst but first thing is first we must have too many cameos to list and Finn must kill some CGI sharks! This is what the film boils down too: The Hoff and Finn in a space shuttle vs a Sharknado wall. Fun movie but I had a problem with this entry and it’s not so much the movie is bad but getting stale and the social media experiment is over. Oh, let’s not forget most of the sharks films that were on SyFy Channel the same week seem to try incorporate the same stale elements of the original “Sharknado” flick. I call this “overindulging” and believe there will be a price to pay when the fourth flick is released next year? Don’t get me wrong love the idea but I just think it has run its course now as I give it 2 stars even if “The Hoff” is Finn’s dad.

 

Outhouse (VHS) – Thanks to Rick Fusselman for getting this short film to me as it’s brilliant. One problem it was an investment film made for fun to help promote an engineering and computer design website. “Say again please?” After going through its websites on the box and google search I came across their website that looks like it hasn’t been touched in five years just like the movie. Summary: Imagine “The Deadly Spawn” are in the only outhouse in the woods, fucking amazing. But hey I want to see what else they made and nothing. Love the short film but this pisses me off that they refuse to revisit this greatness. I give it 4 out of 4 stars. And if you are bored start your search on google with spectrumvideo.com.

 

Sharktopus vs Whalewolf (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Casper Van Dien, movie made in Dominican Republic, and it’s a Roger Corman presents film, you knew I was watching. Unless you are drunk I do not believe your sober brain could handle how this movie exists. So get drunk and watch the chaos that I laughed the whole way through for the mere reason people think Casper Van Dien still has an acting career or could act? I give it 2 stars.

 

3-Headed Shark Attack (SyFy Channel/DVD) – It stars Danny Trejo and Rob Van Dam (in socks and sandals) for no apparent reason but those two were the only highlights of possibly the most boring film I ever had the displeasure of watching and I enjoy bad films. But this was a disappointment on all fronts except Rob Van Dam… Dude you are an awesome wrestler but you fucked up with the wardrobe as I give the flick 0 stars.

 

Lavalantula (SyFy Channel/DVD) – Oh the words could not describe how excited I was for this film existing. There were rumors of a “Police Academy” reunion… but nothing surfaced but then it happened late 2014 I heard there was a SyFy Channel movie that was going to involve as many “Police Academy” members as possible. Cinematic gold my friends! Now I am sure there was too many obstacles to call it a “Police Academy” reunion but just to have them in a movie where Guttenberg and others fight lava-spitting spiders, BRILLIANT! The film stars: Guttenberg, Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrook, Marion Ramsey, Patrick Renna, Nia Peeples, and the man, the myth, the legend, “Jagoff Massacre’s” own MICHAEL VARRATI. Guttenberg plays a washed up actor who has just walked off set driving home to be with his son. But then a volcanic eruption happens and causing devastation around Hollywood area and lava-spitting spiders come rolling out of the Santa Monica Mountains! Pure greatness happens as Guttenberg fights his way home and his wife Nia Peeples helps him get back to the city to rescue his son. Outside of “Sharknado” this one of the best SyFy Channel flicks in years. If anything I could see the cast being rounded up for another SyFy Channel flick… “Sharknado 4” anyone? I give it 3 stars and do yourself a favor and watched the greatness!

 

Fear Clinic (DVD) – Robert Englund plays Dr. Andover in a story about a doctor that has discovered a way to conquer fear. Not exactly a favorite among doctors with discoveries he keeps to himself and keeps a small clinic open to help people. Some time passes and a few of his patients including Fiona Dourif come back to visit because the visions, fears, dreams are coming back and need help. But Dr. Andover is unsure of himself after losing a patient he thought he made a breakthrough with. The movie caught me off guard as I was guessing it would be a huge shitfest of a horror flick. It wasn’t, as the horror film is kinda creepy and taps into the mind that this stuff could be ongoing today. Worth digging this newer gem up as I give it 3 stars.

 

Rush Week (VHS/DVD-R) – Its 1988, its Rush Week, so of course there is an unknown slasher out on campus killing all the coeds. Oh let’s not forget the lovely Kathleen Kinmont shows up long enough to get topless and die. But the movie wants you to believe there is several people that could be the killer but like most cool 80s slasher films you figured it out quickly. Especially when everyone in most of the movie talks about what happen a year ago but doesn’t talk about what happens a year ago. All in all it has the boobs, it has the blood, and it’s like a lesser known mixture of “Killer Party” meets “Pledge Night”. This was one of those films that fell through the cracks but I eventually found it and glad I did as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Body Slam (VHS/You Tube/DVD-R) – The mid-80s classic that captures what Rock-n-Wrestling was all about stars Dirk Benedict of “A-Team” fame is a personal manager Harry M. Smilak. But Harry is having tough times until he runs into Quick Ricky Roberts (Roddy Piper) who he thinks is a musical act but is then introduced to professional wrestling. Roberts and his tag team partner The Tonga Kid want to be The Cannibals for the titles but the Captain will not give them the time of day since they refused to sign with them. Funny shit ensues as Smilak also manages a band named “Kick” and has them play a benefit that goes horribly wrong. Once seeing the tag team he manages gets hurt Smilak wants out of the business until he has an idea to combine music and wrestling. The cast includes besides the great Roddy Piper and Dirk Benedict: Tanya Roberts, Captain Lou Albano, Charles Nelson Reilly, John Astin, Sam Fatu, Afa and Sika – The Samoans ( I love those guys back in the 80s), Kellie Martin, Classy Freddie Blassie, Ric Flair, and Bruno Sammartino. Great cast, cheesy story, a match made for film as I give it 4 stars.

 

The Suckling (VHS/DVD-R) – The movie was known to most as “Sewage Baby” but independent it used both titles when released. This 1989 release is based on the supposedly rantings of a young woman in 1973 that was sent to an asylum quickly after. Think a little “Street Trash” maybe a little “Slime City” fits right in with those cool flicks as a guy takes his girlfriend to a brothel that just happens to be an abortion clinic too. The girlfriend gets drugged and has an unwilling abortion and the fetus is flushed down the toilet. You know wholesome family entertainment. But anyway the fetus has toxic waste leak on it in the sewer and it quickly mutates into this monstrosity that takes over the brothel! It quickly massacres all who are in the brothel except its mother so it can shrink and go back in her vagina. I get so excited just knowing these types of crazy horror flicks exist and the reason why we need more Blu-ray! I give it 3 stars.

 

Assassination Games (DVD) – Jean-Claude Van Damme and Scott Adkins are two assassins after the same target. One is doing it for revenge and the other for money until they get screwed over and begin fighting every criminal in Romania. With the newer “Universal Soldier” films it has seem to breathe new life in Van Damme’s career and give another a career in Scott Adkins. The film is just another bad ass action film in the recent Van Damme library. I give the film 3 stars.

 

Conan the Barbarian (DVD/remake) – So I finally made myself watch this lackluster remake. Not that it is a bad film but it’s not good either as it tackles the retelling of the 1982 Arnold Schwarzenegger. For me at least the film comes off as a SyFy Channel fantasy film than a big block buster it was supposed to be. This time around Crom isn’t mentioned much and Conan fights a more of a sorcerer than a snake priest in James Earl Jones. I go back to why wasn’t Arnold involved and also this just exists kind of like the “Evil Dead” remake. It’s not good or bad but just exists and not very memorable. The movie seem more of a waste now more than ever as there has been a new Arnold “Conan” film announced so we will see what happens as I give this flick 1 ½ stars.

Rock

Rock N’ Roll Frankenstein (DVD) – Music agent Uncle Bernie and his nephew Frankie the scientist have an idea. The idea is to put together the next big rock star and Uncle Bernie would own everything. So Bernie sends out an old roadie and his buddies to dig up body parts from all the best rock stars. The only thing missing is the dick! The roadies fuck up and destroy Jim Morrison’s dick by accident and grab Liberace’s cock… cue all the politically incorrect gay jokes. Once the body parts are put together and “the King” is revived he isn’t all about singing the hits. But is coached along and starts to sing about his troubles: unnatural urges. The bigger the singer gets the more torn he is about his sexuality as his cock just wants dirty man butt as the dick eventually develops a voice. Meanwhile Uncle Bernie and Frankie constantly argue what is best for “the King”. An insanely fun politically incorrect horror flick that was able to combine elements of “Re-Animator, Hard Rock Zombies, and Rocky Horror Picture Show”. It is a gorefest to be sure and the band name and song “Unnatural Urges” are the two perfect words to explain Camp Motion Pictures latest DVD release but in a good way. The DVD has the usual extras of a commentary, behind the scenes, trailers but I believe horror fans will be happy knowing this hidden insanity of a horror gem has been restored to its original ratio. So gorehounds rejoice and start ordering as I give the film 3 ½ out of 4 stars. It can be found at: https://www.alternativecinema.com .

 

Any comments or questions please send to: GrossMovieReview@verizon.net, GrossMovieReview@aol.com or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews . Remember folks always support your local independent movie theater, independent video store, and independent filmmakers! It will keep horror alive………

You can always visit and see some past reviews, independent film news, or me ranting at: www.grossmoviereviews.com !!!

Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Cinema Wasteland October 2-4, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.cinemawasteland.com for more details on the convention.

I bring back the Full Moon on our latest episode of Bloodbaths and Boomsticks

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This week we return through a haze of grill smoke and overtime to discuss Charles Bands 2nd entry into his flagship series in PUPPET MASTER 2.  And the most obscure, rare, and hard to find movie we have ever covered on the show in KILLER DEAD a.k.a. NON VEGETARIAN ZOMBIES FROM OUTER SPACE.  A movie that we can only explain as maybe a Spookies 2… Maybe a proto Spookies… but we don’t care it have a ton of people from Spookies in it.  Also we get into a new segment on the show entitled “movies Kyle has never seen”,  Hamburger talk, Kyle sees Terminator Genesis and so regrets it,  Kickstarter shenanigans,  Kyle fixes the tax problem, viewer questions, and a ton more crap.

 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

 

episode 170

Episode 169… Horror Realm and beyond!

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This week Jon Cross boarded a mega bus, Joe Garcia boarded a plane, Kyle got into his car, Tim put us up in Pittsburgh, and his wife tried to kill us with food.  This is the Horror Realm show.  What we did, what we drank, where we went, who we saw, and who had the shortest shorts.  All will be revealed about this glorious trip to an even more glorious convention and the awesome team-up that shut Pittsburgh down.  And only one hawk had to die in the process.

 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

episode 169

Floods, Horror Realm, us just being lazy… Guess what? Bloodbaths and Boomsticks is back!

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We’re back!  After a town flood, a broken modem, and a drunken weekend spent in Pittsburgh we return to drop a beast of a show…  And we brought our good podcast buddy Danno Klonowski with us to talk about the dinosaur royal rumble that was JURASSIC WORLD, Tim pick a movie that eyebrow enthusiasts shout take note of in THE REDWOOD MASSACRE, and Kyle picks a movie that may or may not be the best thing we have all seen this year (excluding Fury Road that is). So hunker down and enjoy this really great show.  And we got a ton of new stuff on the way too. 

http://www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/

 

EPISODE 168

R.I.P. Mr. Roddy Piper you will be missed!

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The older I get I still can’t believe the people I know or related too or I looked up too or watched on TV die. It is still a weird concept to me. Hard to explain I just have that weird frame of mind that everyone is going to live forever so it’s always a surprise when someone dies. I mean honestly did anyone see this one coming? Hell fucking John Carpenter out lived him! It wasn’t even what a month or two ago we were all talking about the death of Dusty Rhodes and Christopher Lee. That was a surprise also and not just to me. But I think the biggest surprise about hearing the news of Roddy Piper dying is it was cardiac arrest. What? Not cancer, not partying with Ric Flair, not being on the list of wrestlers that abused steroids and died at a young age, not being attacked by a crazy wrestling fan because he pushed peoples’ buttons in the heyday of 1980s, not cancer a second time… That is just wrong. It does not seem fitting for the wrestler, turned actor, turned back to wrestler, turned great family dude. Roddy was a rare breed: he started wrestling professionally when he turned 15, didn’t finish school, went up and down the road with the likes of Dusty Rhodes, Ric Flair, The Road Warriors, and many others and took a beating to learn the ropes. And then someone gave him a microphone and it was history. Roddy was not only able to be considered a pioneer with his Piper’s Pit segments but was able to survive the heyday of rock and wrestling days and have an acting career. Mr. Piper was able to do things his way whether people liked it or not but the one thing he got was respect of everyone. To be able to live a hard life like he did, beat cancer twice, be known as one the biggest villains in wrestling of all time, star in an iconic John Carpenter film, and to have a good family life after wrestling is just amazing and I admire Roddy Piper for that. And for starring in the B-film “Hell Comes to Frogtown” and the 80s classic “Body Slam”… Go ahead laugh but after standing line at a convention two years to meet the ‘Rowdy One’ he proved to me why I admired him so much as a person. Mr. Piper not only signed my copy of “They Live” but I show him a copy of “Hell Comes to Frogtown”. Piper shows it to his kid, laughs hard, and starts telling a story of how bad it was on set. Piper said “he would not change anything” and admires me for just enjoying the movie for what it is and explains this is why he enjoys meeting fans. Mr. Piper where ever you are in the afterlife I hope people are thanking you for making the eye gouge famous in wrestling and people are lining up to be hit in the head with coconuts. But Rowdy Roddy Piper thank you for making an impression on a young wrestling fan in the early 80s for just being you, living the way you wanted, and enjoying every second of it. I don’t get upset too much but sorry people I shed a tear when I heard this earth would no longer have the “Rowdy One”. Wrestling and Frogtown will never be the same may you live forever in our memories sir. Rest in Peace.

Gross Movie Reviews #354

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Gross Movie Reviews #354

 

By Tim Gross

 

Thor the Conqueror (DVD) – If there was a B-movie version of Conan this wouldn’t be it as it could only wish it was a B-movie. But leave it to the Eye-talians to make an oddity fantasy film that has a baby get shot with an arrow in the first five minutes! Then only to be rescued by a pervy wizard dude that narrates the whole fucking movie. And just for a little more flavoring there are cannibals… sort of, and weird boobs. I give this C-grade homage to Conan 1 ½ stars.

 

Rollerblade (VHS/DVD-R) – Oh I knew I was in for a treat when I see the New World Video aka New World Pictures logo come up. And if that wasn’t enough for me while watching the flick found out it is the prequel to “Rollerblade Warriors” which kinda explains the beginning now. Apparently the same dude that made these lesser known gems also made “Hell Comes to Frogtown” and its sequel!!! Its 1986 and the film takes place in the ‘City of Lost Angels’ during ‘The Second Dark Age’. An evil puppet dude controlled by some big masked mutation (Dr. Saticoy) wants the power core crystal thingy to take over the world. Problem some weird roller skating nuns protect the crystal and they are not too keen on letting any weirdo into their club so Dr. Saticoy makes a deal with one of his blade-wielding minions to go undercover. And somewhere in the middle Michelle Bauer shows up… naked… in a hot tub of course. Its 1986, what movie wasn’t Mrs. Bauer in? Anyhow it’s fun garbage and happy to find out “Rollerblade Warriors” is a sequel. So for that I give it 2 stars.

 

The Human Centipede 3: Final Sequence (On Demand) – I thought the first two films were brilliant by Tom Six but this flick is more for the people that just want the centipede saga to continue. For me it was kinda of a disappointment. But honestly I do not think there was anywhere else you could have gone with this series? But anyway we have that wicked evil doctor dude from the first flick playing an over the top warden of a maximum prison along with his accountant/assistant, the creepy security dude from the second film that thought “Human Centipede” was real. For an added bonus we have Bree Olsen (secretary), Eric Roberts (governor), Tony ‘Tiny’ Lister (a prisoner), and Tom Six as himself, along with a few other names that escape my mind now. The warden has lost his god damn mind and sings and dances his way to cutting a prisoner’s balls off to eat them because the governor is going to fire him because of his inability to run a prison. After watching the “Human Centipede” movies the warden decides with help of his accountant/assistant to have a ‘prison centipede’ constructed so it dissuades people from committing crimes and save money. And to make Tom Six’s dream come true as he still believes it is medically possible. I might have not liked the movie as much as the other two flicks but Eric Roberts was freaking great and it was cool seeing Bree Olsen. I give the film 2 stars.

 

Hansel & Gretel Get Baked (DVD) – Gretel and her boyfriend try some new weed called ‘Black Forest’ and apparently it’s from an old lady in Pasadena. This weed is amazingly better than the usually street stuff. Her brother does not par take in the weed smoking but becomes concern when Gretel’s boyfriend disappears when he goes to get more weed from the old lady who is played by Lara Flynn Boyle. Soon boyfriends, drug dealers, and meter men go missing in the neighborhood? The film was pleasantly funny and actually pretty good as I was expecting a shitty remake of “Half-Baked” smashed together with “Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters”. I give the flick 2 ½ stars. And I have to mention Yancy Butler makes a weird appearance as a police officer that really doesn’t have much to do with the storyline.

 

Roboshark (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Lame movie at times but give them kudos for trying something different and playing on the society being on social media 24/7 these days. But anyway alien lifeform lands in the ocean and turns a great white into a crazy robot shark kinda of looks like crude “MechaGodzilla” at a few angles. It goes around fucking shit up until a teenager is being followed on Twitter by ‘Roboshark’ and finds out he wants to phone home. I don’t make this shit up folks it is just people come and steal my weird ass dreams and thoughts out of my head at night. I give it 1 ½ stars.

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Scream Machine (DVD/Vimeo) – An independent anthology hosted by a horror host named Dr. Fry and his ‘Head’ that have five tales for anybody left that has survived a viral outbreak. The stories are Sledgehammer, Cannibal Pen Pals (which I enjoyed the most but laughed because it is supposed to be ‘Anywhere’ 1993 and the main character is driving a car newer than what I have… And while driving you can see all the other cars in the background made after 1993), April Fools Party, Drugs & Pranks Don’t Mix, Septic Shock (which was also kinda interesting and wouldn’t mind seeing fleshed out a little more into its own longer short film), and The Deadly Indie Drive-in. Fun stuff that reminds me of the early 90s independent films from the Polonia Brothers. The movie package has lots of heart and passion but needs more true actors than friends for this type of venture. I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars and can be purchased at: http://www.amazon.com/Scream-Machine-Tara-Carlton/dp/B00YAZND50/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1437243765&sr=1-1&keywords=scream+machine&pebp=1437243767166&perid=0BSHPV155JQHCKADG0QK

 

Spider Labyrinth (DVD) – A 1988 Eye-talian thriller about a Professor Whitmore who is sent to Budapest to check in with a Professor Roth to bring back his research on Project Intextus. Several professors from all over the world are in on this project but for some reason Roth is refusing to respond to any of Whitmore’s calls or mail. It involves all languages and ancient languages. Well Roth may have found an ancient culture that still exists where people believe in demons still. Very weird, very Eye-talian, and ends with a weird creature baby that turns into a spider to crawl into Whitmore’s arm to take over his soul! I give it 2 stars.

 

Hellgate (DVD) – Another 1989 New World Pictures release which should be a beautiful gem but is a gooey mess of a B-horror movie trying to scrap the bottom of the barrel called “80s horror”. An urban legend about a woman who walks the road to the old ghost town Hellgate at night and if you follow her you will die. Mainly because you are stupid but the woman’s dad has some kind of weird growth on the side of his face and likes to shoot people with a blue crystal that was found in a cave in the 50s. It is a cheesy but entertaining horror film but definitely has its issues and you can tell everyone was mostly just clocking in and out on this flick. But it has its share of cool classic cars, gooey monsters, and the dad looks like he was an extra from Charles Band’s “Mutant Hunt” or the B-classic “Robo Vampire”. I give it 2 stars.

 

Mega Shark vs Kolossus (DVD/SyFy Channel) – Mega Shark had offspring and the Russians have a doomsday project that has been awaken and both are on a collision course to fight… enough said unless Tara Reid or Deborah Gibson show up but they didn’t. That’s for the A-list SyFy Channel shark films. I give it 1 ½ stars.

 

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Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com for details.

And do not forget to order your copy of Gross Movie Reviews: The Wrath of Gross at: http://www.lulu.com/shop/tim-gross/gross-movie-reviews-the-wrath-of-gross/paperback/product-21975934.html or pick up a copy at Horror Realm July 24-26th, 2015 as Out of Print Dan and myself will have a table there! Go to www.horrorrealmcon.com for more details on the convention.