Gross Movie Reviews #688

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Deathstalker (YouTube/remake) – This B-movie fantasy character was a lot of fun a few decades before and someone has decided it was time to bring this popular movie series back to life. An evil horde called the dreadites are sweeping the land looking for an amulet that Deathstalker just happens to stumble upon and steal, sort of from a dying man. The amulet refuses to leave the barbarian’s presence as he is cursed with it. Deathstalker just like the Abraxian Empire want rid of it but for different reasons as if the amulet unlocks the secret weapon as it means the kingdom can be saved and the dreadites and kill them off! It is hard to recapture the cult like status of these films from the 80s but this is a worthy entry. The problem will be “the sequels”? Do you go sex and even lower budget or do you go more “Conan the Destroyer” route? This will really determine this film’s fate over the next five to ten years so don’t sleep on this as it wasn’t perfect but it was entertaining if you were a fan of the fantasy films that came out in the early to mid-80s as I give this 2 ½ stars.

The Job (YouTube) – A short film project that deals with a man going to a job interview who unsuspectingly is greeted by A.I. All the gentleman wanted was a job but finds himself being tested by the past that haunts him in his mind. An interesting take in many ways of how the world is changing quickly around us as I give the project 3 out of 4 stars.

Horrorbuku (Kings of Horror) – An established writer has begun work on a story that has him questioning his own reality after he notices his writing project is blurring into his life after obtaining a mask from a trip he took. The author hears it speaking to him as he becomes fascinated with writing what the mask tells him but the author is uncertain if the mask is there to haunt him, guide him in his latest writing project, or drive him insane? When the mask has the author firmly in its grasp the author ultimately becomes convinced he is a vessel for the grand ideas of the mask. Whether the author believes everything that is spoken to him by the mask or just going insane telling his therapist there is one thing he understands completely is he must finish the book to escape. Being a writer myself (somewhat, go ahead and laugh) I enjoyed it touches on how you the writer can lose yourself into a story even when not working on it. This is far from the usual horror stuff I watch as this movie is for the slow burn crowd as it takes you down a wormhole of entertaining madness as I give the project 3 out of 4 stars.

Dracula Has Risen From the Grave (DVD) – Of course with that title it is a Christopher Lee Hammer Studio film where Dracula was frozen in a mountain side after terrorizing a small nearby village near his castle. A year passes as a holy man comes to investigate all these stories only to find the church of the village left to fall in disrepair. He learns the priest is a drunk and the villagers refuse to enter the once holy place because it still sits in the shadow of Dracula’s castle. The superior holy man wants to put an end to all of this by traveling to Dracula’s castle and performing a church ritual to rid everything evil that has haunted the village. But the drunken priest accidentally awakens Dracula from his deep frozen sleep during his trip back down the mountain only to become a disciple of Dracula as he wants simple revenge on the superior holy man! It’s not the best of the Hammer/Lee vampire flicks but still entertaining and iconic with some of the images as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Kill Canibal Retards (DVD-R) – This gets about as odd as you can get as this 38 minute project comes from the same guy that made ‘Alien Beasts’ decided to film this oddity in 2003 but not to be released until 2018. The film takes place on Halloween where the water supply is contaminated and people die when entering an apartment or as I like to call this: dude set up a camera on a tripod to film himself screaming most of the movie. To be totally honest this was so much weirder than the previous movie I mentioned from him I have no clue what exactly I watched as I give this 0 stars.

The Toxic Avenger Unrated (Amazon/remake) – Just like a lot of Toxie fans I was very unsure how to feel about this getting remade and when it did why do I really want to watch something that sat on a shelf for two years after being finished? Anyway this big budget remake takes place in St. Roma Village which if they did anything right there is a ton of nods to the original Toxie throughout the film. The BTH factory has polluted everything good about the town over the years and now mutations and deaths are starting to fill the rumor mill about the factory. A stepdad named Winston who is a janitor at the BTH factory finds himself in a bad situation when he is told by his doctor he might have six months to a year to live and by the way his company health insurance won’t cover the expensive drugs that might help him. To seek revenge Winston gains entry into the company to steal the company’s money only to meet a bad end of being shot and thrown into a containment unit full of toxic waste that changes him. This mutation into the Toxic Avenger leaves him disfigured but cured of his disease and has powers to help clean up his old town and its takeover by the misfits, big corporate BTH. The remake isn’t terrible by any means it just doesn’t fit what I believe we all enjoyed during the 80s and 90s when mainstream wanted nothing to do with ‘The Toxic Avenger’. It has the nods, the costume was cool, the gore was there but what it is missing for me is being genuine like the original was. The original didn’t fit the norm at the time it was released and still doesn’t fit into today’s norms either. So again not a bad film just something that never screamed to be remade as I only can give it 2 stars.

Blood and Black Lace (DVD) – The Mario Bava film that started a movement in ‘giallo’ films being made as an unknown masked man wearing black gloves kills a fashion model Isabella. The motive is the killer is looking for this diary she had that could allow her to blackmail many throughout the city as the unknown figure begins their murderous rampage through young models looking for it. As authorities investigate, many are suspects as they have secrets they want left unknown. I have never been a large ‘giallo’ fan but do enjoy from time to time checking out the earlier ones that horror fans revere so much as this was a fun watch as I give it 3 stars.

Psycho Night (YouTube) – An independent film that combines elements of: The Running Man, Surviving the Game, Slasher$, Wedlock, and Series 7 with the music industry. A live stream contest held by rich studio heads with too much money but have Greed on their minds as they interact on a show where contestants try to survive and win a hip hop contract.  2 Gravez is a man who just got out of prison and wants to get back to work on music as friends sign him up for this contest. After he is put to sleep 2 Gravez wakes to find himself and five other contestants will have to fight nasty goons, drop some musical knowledge, and sing off the cuff in order to move on through the contest to a hip hop contest. The film has its flaws but its use of the locations around them and tapping into how people consume entertainment as what people are being force fed in all forms of entertainment makes this a relevant and important project for movie watchers to check out. Would have loved a shorter running time for the project but I was overjoyed and I respect seeing a film that should not just be seen as entertainment but a warning of where society is actually heading. To add to that… how we are closer to this future than most believe as I give this impressive independent project 3 out of 4 stars.

Bum (YouTube) – A SOV found footage project of a small film crew and local reporter Valerie Charles reporting on the growing homeless problem and how it has tied into the recent kidnapping of a crazy land developer’s baby. As Valerie and Mr. Brooks prove to be complete douche bags about homeless and literally just want to use them to move up the corporate ladder decide to walk through the woods to an encampment of homeless. What they find is beyond whatever they can hope for but what happens is also completely monstrous! A true throwback of the found footage genre in my opinion that actually pays off unlike ‘The Blair Witch Project’ and most of the copycats since. The jump cuts and shaky cam can get annoying but I thought it was cool of where the filmmaker led us as the subplot of the land developer is brilliant and makes for a terrific ending as I give the 39 minute film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

Sisu: Road to Revenge (Theater) – If you enjoyed the first film you might enjoy this one also as they turn the Finnish war vet into a Mad Max character. Its 1946 and our non-verbal hero returns to the Soviet border to tear down his home, load it on a truck, and take it back to Finland. The Soviets are not too keen on letting this go unpunished so they let loose their secret weapon that killed the hero’s family in the first place to clean up the mess. From there it just turns into a Mad Max film with lots of blood and the Finnish warrior refusing to be stopped even if Richard Brake and Stephen Lang are on the Soviets side. I love the first one as it felt pure; this sequel is good but feels more like a cashing in more than being a pure bad ass war flick like the first as I only can give it 3 stars this time around.

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Gross Movie Reviews #360

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Gross Movie Reviews #360

 

By Tim Gross

 

Mongrel (VHS/DVD-R) – A 1982 thriller about people living at a boardinghouse where an old mean dog terrorizes a timid tenant that looks a lot like Jeffery Combs. One day one of the tenants teases the dog and the dog gets loose and attacks. After the dog is put down the timid tenant claims to hear strange noises at night (which sounds like me burping after guzzling a bottle of Yuengling). And tenants begin to die of strange vicious deaths. The film has its moments and also two things going for it: first, it’s Mitch Pileggi’s first film and second, there is a “Deep Throat” pinball game featured in a scene where tenants are drinking in a game room gossiping. Never heard much about the film before this but believe this will be a film I will revisit in the future as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

The Gallows (On Demand) – Another so-called “found footage” film that involves a high school drama class. Apparently, twenty years ago during a play called “The Gallows” a kid hangs himself when the play was being performed. After much speculation and begging by the drama class director they are doing the play again. But a kid that films everything has other plans and just happens to be best friends with the lead of the play also. Together with another friend learn the back door to the high school does not lock and break-in to destroy the set so they “The Gallows” play cannot go on the next night. Once in, strange things begin to happen while the camera rolls. Think “Grave Encounters” in a high school. There isn’t much to the film besides it being a cheap cash-in for Hollywood but again it raises the question for me… Who found this footage? Especially since it never made it out of the high school and if it did the person or persons that were a part of the deaths in the school would be arrested for the deaths. Oh no, I gave away the awesome plot! I give this uninteresting film 1 star.

 

Tremors 5: Bloodlines (DVD) – The film series that features blind giant man-eating worms and things called ass-blasters has been revived once more again featuring Michael Gross aka Burt Gummer. Gummer is now hanging out in the Nevada desert filming his survivalist internet show. It’s been years since Graboids have attacked or any new ones have popped up. But Gummer soon gets two visitors. The first is Jamie Kennedy who plays the role of crazy cameraman and fan of Gummer and second is a man from South Africa that proposes Mr. Gummer to come to South Africa to help them with their Graboid problem or I should say Ass-blaster problem. Gummer says, “If you got ass-blasters, you have Graboids.” From there Burt Gummer explains the evolution of Graboids not only for his new cameraman but for the viewers and catches everybody up on the evolution of the Graboids. Great stuff! But Gummer finds out the game has changed again in South Africa as the Graboids may have mutated one more time as their tentacles are able to detach and seek food but the Graboid is bigger and ass-blasters are not after heat as much anymore. Once Gummer understands he is being screwed over by a poacher and has a possible adult son it is time to find and destroy the nest of the mutated Graboids. Once again there isn’t a bad installment in this series that gets revived every few years or so and for great reason as the source material “Graboids” are fun to see and have been smartly written to keep audiences enjoying the evolution of them. I give the flick 3 stars.

 

Death Squad (DVD) – Rutger Hauer, Darryl Hannah, Stephen Baldwin, Danny Glover, and Michael Madsen and its set in 2046! With a title and cast like this the flick should be movie gold? NOT THIS PILE OF DOG SHIT! Somebody, somewhere overthought this futuristic film that didn’t get a big release and for good reason. Its 2046 and the government has broken down, there is war, Danny Glover has two computers from the late 90s, and zones where radiation has killed millions of people. What it comes down to is a secret mission has Baldwin’s character trying to find an old uplink to a satellite that could change the course of the war. Danny Glover just spends the whole movie in one room yelling at Baldwin. Rutger Hauer is one bad dude in charge of Darryl Hannah’s character and apparently has Michael Madsen on speed dial to go kill people double secretly. Got it? Good! Because it doesn’t make a lick a sense at times especially when Baldwin’s character meets a purple/red painted lady who may be real or may be from radiation poisoning to a person who has been in this infected zone too long without medicine. I love me some Rutger Hauer but someone fucked up royally on this flick as I give it a ½ star.

 

Storage 24 (DVD) – A not much known UK sci-fi/horror flick that of course involves a huge storage facility and a down spacecraft or debris nearby during a couple of friends who are trying to help a couple split up their stuff after a break-up. Soon power and computer outages cause the storage facility to go into lockdown where no one can leave and the storage company is trying to fix it while a soap opera unfolds inside. And… there is a bad ass looking alien chowing down on humans trapped inside. Before you say “I have seen this before”, give this film a chance as the film has great effects in the creature and the death scenes as buckets of blood and goo flow. But also the film keeps it simple and claustrophobic for a lot of the film so it never seems to drag. Horror fans this is a hidden gem worth seeking out and enjoying this creature feature as I give it 3 stars.

 

Lucy (DVD) – Need to waste 90 minutes watching a flick that won’t make you think this science fiction flick starring Scar Jo and Morgan Freeman is the go to film. Scar Jo’s character gets used as a drug mule for a new drug that could kill you or in Lucy’s case unlocks her brain. Lucy knows she could die soon but discovers as more of her brain is able to unlock she is becoming less human and control almost everything around her. But she also wants to pass the knowledge along to Morgan Freeman’s character who is studying the effects of unlocking the brain. The film isn’t bad or great but a fun time to waste 90 minutes and not have to think too much as I give it 2 ½ stars.

 

Area 51 (DVD) – Another ‘found footage’ film that features three friends who are going to break-in at the Area 51 facility and get proof that aliens exist. I always enjoy these types of movies that involve Area 51 mainly because I find the location interesting just like the Reed character. But Reed is searching it out for a whole different reason as three months ago he was a typical college-aged dude partying with friends and loses a bet where he must sing or rap karaoke. Lights go out and Reed disappears. His two buddies leave the party a few hours later and find a disorientated Reed wondering the highway. Now the past three months he has become obsessed with aliens and Area 51and his personality has completely changed. They find a way to break-in and find a whole lot more inside after being chased by the military. But with the camera falling into the desert and busted again I ask the question “Who found this footage?” I give the film 2 ½ stars not so much for the characters as much for the plot of the film of three people going to great lengths to find aliens in Area 51.

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The Slashening (DVD/Vimeo) – Five girlfriends are having a slumber party and the parents are out of town. Old friends just celebrating friendship as you have one straight out of rehab and another coming off a very bad relationship. This Brandon Bassham directed feature follows the formula of a “Slumber Party Massacre” and “Student Bodies”. As the five friends have boys show up and I learn new phrases like “coke pussy”, someone in a tater sack is slashing their way through dumb pizza dudes. If that wasn’t enough everyone confesses to banging Lucy’s boyfriend and the pizza is three hours late as the girls begin to disappear one by one by the hands of a tater sack killer. What the film lacks in effects more than makes up in talented actors, dialogue, and the filmmaker’s love for horror/comedies. Annum Films and Mr. Bassham get kudos from me for making a smart and hilarious horror/comedy on a shoestring budget! Many are made but very few worth viewing but also owning like this great feature. Picked up Troma and sold on amazon.com I have to give one of the better films of 2015 3 ½ out of 4 stars.

 

Super Fuzz (YouTube/VHS) – Ernest Borgnine has a rookie partner who was presumed dead after a rocket exploded over a remote are the officer was at. But a red powder has given Officer David Speed super powers. Only one problem every time he sees red he loses his super powers. But that doesn’t stop this film being a prototype for the TV show “The Greatest American Hero” and being a staple for us old people in our young days of early 80s HBO. One scene after another has David stopping crime before it stops because of his super powers along with falling out of windows also. The film is a hilarious reminder of what played constantly on the early days of cable and what we all found amusing. If you remember it or never witnessed a man talk to a fish in a movie do yourself a favor and look this up now! I give it 3 stars.

 

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