Gross Movie Reviews #312
By Tim Gross
Razortooth (DVD) – A small southern town that apparently has a mutant eel problem that has the local sheriff and animal control/exterminator confused on how an eel got so big to begin eating people. Meanwhile authorities are looking for two convicts that have escaped and some young campers maybe in danger. The only things missing: Debra Gibson, Tiffany, King Cobra, Pat Morita, Boa, a SyFy channel premiere, but that did not stop me from enjoying the mutant eel glory this film is as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Escape From Tomorrow (DVD) – A family is on their last day of vacation at Disneyworld. They want to enjoy all the rides, food, etc. And that is about the only normal part of the film as the rest almost made my head implode in trying to figure out what I was actually watching. The film goes over the deep end as the father keeps checking out these underage French girls which made the film so creepy, then at some point he has Epcot Center for a head and a scientist freaking out because he is trying to escape. Fuck… I believe I just gave myself a headache trying to explain this film again. Honestly I can’t give it a rating because I am still unsure of what it was I actually watched.
Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time (VHS) – Nine years after the first film Dar aka Marc Singer is back as the Beastmaster the man who speaks to animals and a lot of us grew up seeing the movie hundreds of times on TBS. This time around Dar must do battle with his evil brother Arklon aka Wings Hauser aka Leatherface, described by Kari Wuhrer’s character in the film. But a witch played by Sarah Douglas shows Arklon there is a parallel universe (1991 L.A.) where he can get a thing called the neutron bomb and could rule the universe. Meanwhile with the help of the young lady played by Kari Wuhrer, Dar learns about cars, music, and clothes. The film is a fun flick to revisit if it’s been awhile since you’ve seen it even if it’s just for laughs. I give the film 2 stars. Pay attention to the film as you also see Robert Z’Dar and Michael Berryman. And there isn’t any story of the tiger dying from being dyed black.
Men of War (DVD) – A film that is of sorts a generic pre-cursor to ‘The Expendables” that stars Dolph Lundgren as a former military vet looking for a job. He gets one where he and a team of ex-military types must wipe out some people off an island for a business venture. Once he gets there he has a change of heart and wants to help the island natives in defending their island. A pretty cool direct to video action film that doesn’t have any real slow parts and you get to see Dolph kick some ass in Thailand. I give it 3 stars.
Prisoners of the Lost Universe (VHS/YouTube) – A real low budget fantasy film about a scientist (Dr. Hartman) that has come up with a machine that opens a portal to another world. During an earthquake characters Dan and Kerry get sucked into the portal and find themselves where a man played by John Saxon controls all humans by making them slaves if they do not join his army to rule everyone. Richard Hatch plays the lead in this very awful but in a good way fantasy film where Dan and Kerry must defeat John Saxon in order to free everyone and find their portal back to 1983 earthquake ridden California! I give it 2 ½ stars.
Mandroid (DVD) – An executive produced Charles Band film about two scientists in present day (1993) Eastern Europe who have developed a virtual reality driven droid that is indestructible but also controlled by a person with a virtual reality device from long distances and does tasks such as moving radioactive materials. When the scientists have a falling out after the US government is about to pick up “Mandroid” there is a fight between one scientist Drago and Benjamin Knight the controller of Mandroid in the lab and Benjamin falls into an experiment that changes his life. He eventually begins to turn invisible. Meanwhile Drago is scarred during the struggle and is determine he will have his creation and make it a military weapon. After Drago is believed to be defeated the film is to be continued… in “Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight”. I give the movie 2 stars.
Invisible: The Chronicles of Benjamin Knight (DVD) – The executive produced sequel from Charles Band was released in the same year as Mandroid where the adventure continues. Benjamin Knight is feeling better but invisible at times and comes back to the lab to find friends Dr. Zonna Zimmer and former government agent in a relationship and trying to find a cure to Mr. Knight’s invisibility. But soon they all discover that Drago is still alive and wants Zimmer’s formula as he is running out of test subjects for a cure for himself. Ben Knight uses his invisibility along with Mandroid to defeat Drago for good this time. Not totally sold on why it had to be split into two films but that was what Charles Band and Full Moon did on several projects in the early 90s. Most likely to boost profits more than anything. It’s a fun throwback to the Universal original on a small budget in Romania and for that I give the movie 2 stars.
The Bay (DVD) – A film that is more of a documentary and tells a story through a series of clips, film footage, and cell phone images an event that happened on July 4, 2009 in Maryland where over 700 residents died from a deadly parasite that mutated from steroids that was in chicken shit dumped into the ocean. The parasites look like giant potato bugs or pill bugs that actually feed on the inside of a fish’s tongue and stomach. The story is narrated by a reporter Donna Thompson who witnessed the event first hand. She is now coming forward with the story as many witnesses have disappeared or have been paid off to not to talk. My only problem with the movie was I thought the CDC would have moved in sooner instead the film betrays the CDC as the biggest bad guy throughout the film which I find somewhat hard to believe but I do like conspiracies, so I have to give the 2 ½ stars.
To Die is Hard (DVD) – From the brilliant mind of “Midget Zombie Takeover”, independent filmmaker Glenn Berggoetz gives us an independent comedy/action spoof that mostly covers “Die Hard”. An English professor named Joe has a perfect life where his perfect wife and perfect kid adore him as he goes off to his State College on a Friday morning when most staff and students are off for the day. But during this perfect day some bad dudes aka terrorists break into the State College office because they need a key to a room that holds their treasure which just so happens to be office supplies. But the terrorists have picks the wrong state college to break into as Joe McCann is just a pissed off English professor that will not take this lying down. So Joe goes into awesome ultimate male action star mode to bring down the terrorists where he ends it with ‘heart punching’ the leader Anton to death! Everything from scenes of Joe telling stories of his softball team, a co-worker trying to figure out tea bagging, Joe’s wife and daughter talking about him being a Greek goddess with a straight face, or the detective eating cheese puffs outside doing nothing made me have tears stream out of my eyes cause I was laughing so hard. Spoofs especially independent ones can be hard to pull off but in this case Glenn and company did a wonderful job with this great flick. And who cannot like characters getting slapped in almost every scene “Airplane-style” for no apparent reason as I give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.drivingeyes.com .
The Worst Movie Ever! (DVD) – Once again Glenn Berggoetz stars, directs, produces, writes a film about being the worst movie ever. So aliens are about to attack earth with an alien robot that two scientists already know about the attack but do not want to panic anyone by telling the world. Meanwhile, there are two kids playing adult daytime soap opera roles as I had to watch some scenes twice as I kept laughing too hard listening to their dialogue. If that wasn’t enough we also have two adults playing teenager roles complaining about their mom and what to do about the dance Friday night, along with lots of singing, slapping, overacting, pillow stabbing, aluminum foil, boom mic keep falling into scenes, random scenes of Santa Claus, awkward condom talk, and Jesus Christ… All this going on while Botar the CG’d alien robot tries to kill all humans. All the characters eventually cross paths and have to brainstorm together in order to stop Botar. It really does sound like a god awful flick but actually is really entertaining and funny as you wonder how some characters even keep a straight face during filming. I got give Glenn props for not purposely making another “Troll 2” and for that I give the film 3 out of 4 stars as the film can be found at www.drivingeyes.com .
Race With The Devil (DVD) – Peter Fonda and Warren Oates go on vacation with their wives only to be ruined when drinking one night and they just happen to witness a possible sacrifice in the woods by a bunch of witches. But them reporting it to the police isn’t the end of it as they try to drive further away from the incident they are tracked down to the end of the film to be punished for what they saw. A very creepy 70s film that has witches, sacrifices, and R.G. Armstrong, that makes you think twice about hitting the open road and visiting some of the small towns in America. I give the flick 3 stars.
The Rest is Very Boring (DVD) – Independent filmmaker Jorge Delarosa and The Slow Mutants crew are always doing something different go with a new film project that tells a story of a good friend of theirs named Frank Bochard. Now, I do not know this person and most likely you don’t either but what makes the film interesting is we all know a person or have a friend that is Frank Bochard who is talented, lives on the fringe of life, a person you wanna know, and goes by the beat of their own drum. And this film documents the life of Frank Bochard up until his untimely end. His friends, family, and teachers tell stories and bring you into what Frank was like. Just like Frank Bochard, Jorge Delarosa and The Slow Mutants crew give you another very interesting and very emotionally moving project that keeps expanding what you can do independently these days and they should be proud as I give it 4 out of 4 stars. You can always find out more about it at www.slowmutants.com .
Remote Control (VHS) – Its 1987 and Jeff Lieberman is involved you know you are in for a treat as a young Kevin Dillon plays a video store clerk who finds himself attracted to a beautiful young lady who comes into the store with a guy friend who just happens to be looking for the newest hot movie called, “Remote Control”. This video isn’t just an ordinary movie as a couple minutes in the viewer becomes part of the film and is either killed or kills another person. When Dillon and his friend who also works the video store figure this out they try to stop the film from being reproduced on VHS for other video stores and find out it is all being controlled by aliens who want to rule the earth. Apparently Home Video can kill all of mankind! The film is cheesy good late 80s fun that I give 2 ½ stars too.
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