Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (On Demand) – It is dumb, it is cheesy, it finally captures what the game is like, and it is that fantasy film we need every few years to just not think but watch and enjoy. The movie gets somewhat nerdy but fun as the basic premise revolves around a harper Edgin and his partner in crime Holga trying to right some wrongs and save the world without knowing are going too! I absolutely enjoyed this flick as it is exactly what I thought it should be as I give 3 ½ stars.
Freeze (DVD) – An old time warship heads into icy waters in the Artic following another ship’s course that got lost. The captain keeps a book with him and doesn’t tell everything or the real reason he is rushing into the artic to his crew as they get ice locked and now have a blood thirsty creature aboard the ship. The crew abandons ship quickly as the creature makes short work of the humans. What is left of the crew crosses the ice and finds a cave that holds a secret or two and their deaths. The creatures were bad ass but felt like the story sort of fell apart once hitting the cave? Thought it would be better as I can only give it 2 stars.
Revenge of Mr. Willie (DVD) – A SOV flick from 1999 that is basically a sex comedy horror film that has no business being as hilarious as it was… A group of young ladies who are roommates like to share stories about their sexual exploits until one finds her boyfriend in multiple relationships after he dies having too much sex. In the aftermath rando women begin to fight, cut off his penis (you have to see the situation to understand), and when police arrive the 3 ½ inch penis goes missing! Apparently Pete’s penis is very popular and called “Mr. Willie” and has come back to life only to be caught in a popcorn tin by the young ladies to be given to police. But two of Pete’s other conquests enter the picture and they have other plans for the undead penis! From there we got flying penis, remote control car penis, penis in a mouse trap, and supernatural penis talk. Again this movie has no business being this hilarious but it’s all about the penis and I am for that as I give it 3 stars.
Guts on the Chainsaw (Blu-ray) – This Indy flick begin with the narrator explaining how people have disappeared into the backwoods of Pennsylvania since 1960 how a lot of times the cases are never solved. This sets up our introduction to Nova who is disturbed by the nightmares she keeps having of a chainsaw wielding maniac. This is all a part of Nova’s journey of defeating her demons of the past as she travels the woods alone. A lot of Nova just trying to face her fears in order to move on with life. There is lots of dramatic buildup to Nova facing off with the forest weirdos but in the end her turning into Lara Croft wasn’t all what it’s cracked up to be. So with that let’s dive a little more into this feature as I believe there is a movie somewhere in this mess. I was happy to see an independent film try to use music to help tell the story but for me it was the wrong stuff (just my opinion). The film did a good job of keeping a TCM/Wrong Turn feel but the killers were to clean to be cannibals or least what horror fans are use too and that fake computer smoke for the chainsaws was just terrible. Like I said there is a movie somewhere in this mess just not the one I wanted as I can only give the feature 2 stars.
The Park (DVD) – So a post-apocalyptic film that starts off like a horror movie but becomes something entirely different. We get a quick opening of all human adults dying of a mysterious virus and it’s figured out before all adults die if you are not puberty age you survive for now? You have a time limit and its coming quickly. Inez and Billy are two kids right on the edge of puberty that is surviving in the new harsh world by killing whoever is in the way and taking their stuff. Along the way they meet Kuan who has taken over an amusement park and has her own theories on life and has heard the stories of the “Blue Meanies” or mutated teenagers but believe it is bullshit. Again it starts off as a mean-spirited horror flick but turns into a young girl on a journey to find her real purpose in life. Or at least that is how I take this very different post-apocalyptic film that isn’t exactly what you see in the trailers as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Chuck Steel: Night of the Trampires (DVD) – A Claymation horror/action/comedy about the world’s best cop who is every action movie star wrapped into one character. He fights ninjas, drug dealers, having partners die horribly, and punching his captain in the nuts constantly. But something evil has come to town and Chuck Steel must stop it and its Trampires or vampire hobos! These vamps are only attracted to drunken people all because Dracula was driven out of his castle because he was a weirdo and forced to live in alley ways drinking constantly. So now in order to kill a trampire it is a stake to the liver not the heart. But there is a legend about a master coming and they are going to make the all world drunk so it becomes a feeding ground for the Trampires. The only hope is Chuck Steel get over his wife leaving him for a circus clown so he can stop it all before midnight. It is completely ridiculous and awesome as I give this fun flick 3 ½ stars.
Sisu (On Demand) – Its 1944 Finland and this is a bad ass account of a man that had enough of the war and left to mine for gold. After a big discovery he begins a long trek across Finland to cash in his discovery but a platoon of Nazis that he passes have a whole other mindset and begin to track the man after a few of the Nazi soldiers meet a horrible death. From there this platoon tracks down this man even when they are given orders to turn back and should “consider themselves lucky they are still alive” as they have found who this mysterious man is? One man just wants to cash in his discovery and a group of Nazis make the horrible decision of fucking with the wrong man. We have seen movies like this but maybe not in a WWII setting on foreign soil that seems to give this film that much more heart as I give the movie 4 stars.
Death Toilet (DVD) – Set in the 70s… sort of where a Vietnam vet comes home to his brother’s place to face off with a satanic toilet that mostly just laughs at him. Yeah, it is cheesy, yeah it is super terrible, but you know I can’t resist watching it especially knowing there is four sequels with an Amityville sequel just hitting DVD land. If anything if not the theme song “Death Toilet” then the priest that is brought in to perform an exorcism on the toilet and makes me wonder is there where the $500 budget was spent? Anyhow kids, thank me later for pointing this Indy film out to you as I give it 2 stars.
Death Toilet: Number Two (DVD) – Filmmaker Evan Jacobs goes at it again with moving the story forward to 1983 where Brett has survived the death toilet but must fight it again as he travels the world. Pretty much if you watched the first film you have seen the second… As I explained this movie to a certain someone their reaction was “so it is Silent Night Deadly Night 2… for death toilets?” Exactly, as I give this sequel 2 stars.
Evil Altar (DVD-R) – A lost 1988 film starring William Smith an odd satanic dude trying to take over a small town but needs 103 souls to sacrifice in order to accomplish this. Robert Z’Dar plays the small town sheriff who helps Smith get victims or clean up the mess. But hey it is a small town and it doesn’t take long for a few random people getting together and figuring out that neither of these bad ass dudes can be trusted and they must stop this evil. This a cheap but fun horror film for the time that is worth tracking down as I know I never heard of it until recently so if you are an 80s horror fan start looking as I give it 2 ½ stars.
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