Tag Archives: Casper Van Dien

Gross Movie Reviews #617

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Don’t Open the Door (VHS/YouTube) – A film from 1974/75 that is also known as ‘Don’t Hang Up’. A lesser known suspense horror film that has gotten lost over the years because of more fan favorites such as ‘Black Christmas’ or ‘Don’t Answer the Phone’. Anyway a young girl in 1962 finds her mother murdered and Mandy returns home 13 years later to check in on her grandmother. Things are not what they seem as she finds three local men discussing the affairs of her grandmother in the house. Mandy immediately takes over and gets her grandmother to a hospital where she can be taken care of correctly but this is only the beginning of her problems as (there is no mystery to this) creepy ass Mr. Kern keeps calling Mandy and trying to torture her inside of the home. The film might be a little tame for today’s audiences but if you like an old school film that just tries to build to the end give this one a chance as I give it 2 stars.

Fear City (DVD) – A sleazy New York film from 1984 that has an all-star cast where a couple guys run a “talent agency” that has the best dancers for the New York clubs. The one guy is haunted by his past as a former boxer who killed someone in the ring as his partner is trying to keep his family life out of the business. The main plot of the film is a mysterious figure one night disfigures one of the ladies after her shift. Every few days this sleezeball dude plans his attacks on these unsuspecting women. Soon the talent agency is losing business as the guys running it are becoming unhinged as they watch their livelihood go down the drain. If that wasn’t enough the cops are on their asses to stay out of it or they will shut everything down but they are just as baffled by the attacks by the “New York Knifer”. Think of a much grittier ’10 to Midnight’ with no Chuck Bronson. Be prepared you will feel dirty watching this flick but it’s fun, brilliant, and enjoy pointing out how many character actors you find in this as I give it 3 stars.

Amityville Job Interview (DVD/YouTube) – Welcome to entry #54 folks as this comes out of the UK even though the first thing you see on screen is Shawn Phillips (who I believe has a life goal of being in the most entries of the Amityville series for no reason). This feels like it was trying to shoot in no-budget VHS-style way where a woman looking for a job and has trouble keeping one ends up in a blank room for an interview like no other. During this process there is quite a few “self-help speeches and music videos” to help pad the running time for no reason at all. Maybe the only redeeming thing that may have come out of this is we get to see the young lady beat her roommate and uncle to death with a vibrator. Sorry people I think Nathan Rumler beat yinz to the punch on that one, anyway as most entries are this was a waste of time as I give it 0 stars.

Amityville Frankenstein (DVD/YouTube) – Entry #55 comes from the same people who also produced ‘Job Interview’ and this time there is a bigger role for Shawn Phillips if you wanna call it that. Shawn Phillips pretty much introduces this entry without introducing like a horror host from his “DVD DOJO” to watch TV. He chooses to watch a generic horror (Terror Telly) host who presents a film where two guys stumble around a fake warehouse (pay attention the same staircase shows up about a dozen times) until they find Frankenstein, poof end of movie. This entry should have been called “Amityville Movie Filler” as again I give this so called movie 0 stars.

Amityville Elevator (DVD/YouTube) – In entry #56 we are somewhere in Amityville because there is no budget again where some photographer literally rides an elevator for 50 of the 71 minute running time without getting off. Now if you go read about this dumbness the description of the film claims its trying (keyword trying) to spoof Amityville films. Sorry I am here to say you failed and it might be time to rethink your filmmaking career as I give this super dull movie project 0 stars.

The Flood (On Demand) – A Caper Van Dien flick that I had high hopes for fails horribly as I believe I have found the most overly dramatic and uninteresting killer croc or gator film made to this point in my life as I give it 0 stars.

The Innocents (DVD) – We head to Norway for this creepy flick about kids (three kids about the same age and Ida’s sister Anna who is autistic) as Ida and her family move into a new place where most of the people are vacationing during the summer. But kids being kids will go out and try to find a friend. The four eventually find out they have a connection or some kind of unknown supernatural gift and that is when the film becomes a slow burn ‘Bloody Birthday’ as one of the friends (Ben) goes dark and I mean fucked up dark. This is one of those films that borders on horror and thriller genre as I give it 3 stars.

Beyond Justice (VHS) – A first time watch of this Rutger Hauer 1990 gem where just follow me for a second here: I believe is a Canadian production, shot with an Italian crew, shot in Morocco so yes sir; you got yourself an international picture here. A big time company exec Miss Sanders had a son with her ex-husband who is from Morocco or more specifically from a tribe in the desert who still believe in desert princes and such. Rutger Hauer aka Tom Burton is brought in as a specialist to go into the desert and bring her son back. But there is more to this kidnapping as Robert’s father did it so his ex-wife and son would not be killed in this fun desert rescue action film as I give it 3 stars.

Candyland (DVD) – A gritty film about young ladies or lot lizards who live and work off Exit 17 on Route 66 at a truck stop motel where they make money let’s say off giving company to the truckers coming on through. Sadie is the center of this small group of friends just trying to make some money to move on to something else? This film is full of characters that push this sleazy story along with an older woman as their pimp, William Baldwin as a sketchy cop who likes the only guy of the lot lizard group, and then there is the newbie Remy who shows up about the same time a man is found slashed to death in the restroom. Remy is a Christian and claims she had to get out of the group bible thumpers we are introduced to at the beginning of the film. As Sadie and friends take her in and set her up with her new life Remy has a secret she is keeping from her new group of friends. If I say anymore it would spoil the film if you are interested. The film has sleaze and grit but for one reason or another I just couldn’t fully get into this film but understand why some people have loved this release. For that this might not exactly be my “cup of tea” but urge possible viewers if you are into stories with edge and sleaze you will enjoy it as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Puppet Shark (DVD) – An Indy flick done with puppets from Brett Kelly where a couple of kids head to the woods for a night of camping and telling each other stories of a killer shark that just get more absurd with each story. I did laugh a couple times through the first 30 minutes of this low budget production but felt in the end felt Kelly and company struggled to get this to be 68 minutes long. I know it pokes fun at other projects along the way but feel the movie got stale and missed the point in the end as I could only give this project 1 ½ stars.

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Gross Movie Reviews #592

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Christmas Craft Fair Massacre (YouTube) – In this Indy holiday flick we have an appearance of Glen Coburn and it was directed by someone named Max Raven… Anyhow a school is in question where the annual Christmas Craft Fair is held as it seems to be the center for satanic power and the worshipers are clashing on who deserves the ultimate power. But the principal is the ultimate bad guy here as he is looking for a pure soul for the offering and does not want to share the glorious power! The film doesn’t have a long running time but does have problems ever get going as I give this film 1 ½ stars (always great to see Glen Coburn).

Adult Swim Yule Log “aka The Fire Place” (HBO Max) – Looking for something that truly shouldn’t make as much sense as it does? Then you have found it in this fucking over the top crazy ass holiday horror! After a couple minutes of watching a fireplace, we get talking in the background, a cleaning lady being killed by two intruders, cops, a couple who rented the place and films the fireplace for a living, uninvited double booked guests, a possessed Yule log, sexual tension between all, and if that wasn’t enough aliens! Yes kids I believe that covers everything that goes down in only something the people behind “Adult Swim” could come up with so grab the popcorn as I believe this will become a holiday staple for years to come as I give this ultimate holiday weirdness 3 ½ stars.

On the Trail of Bigfoot: Last Frontier (Vimeo) – Writer and director Seth Breedlove takes a deep look with a documentary that dives into the bigfoot lure of Alaska. He interviews real people who tell stories of strange creatures that wander the Alaskan wilderness. The film is not dull by any means and will have Bigfoot film lovers gushing over this project as Seth and crew not just get great stories but bring in researchers for some expiations, again real normal people, but explaining the different regions of Alaska and how a lot of us in the lower 48 states may not understand how these strange creatures could actually exist there? I enjoyed the process of this film, the seriousness, and especially the feel of it as it brings back some memories of the Bigfoot stuff of the seventies. This has to be one of the more recent projects that actually had me entertained but truly interested. Bigfoot lovers should be on the lookout for this wonderful project as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.

Sewer Gators (DVD-R/YouTube) – Well it’s a week before the big gator festival in southern Louisiana and someone just got their ass eaten through their toilet (reminder it’s a joke that is mentioned several times during the film). Now the local drunk sheriff must investigate and stop this horrendous and vicious beast before it wrecks the big festival. No budget, cheesy as hell, not much blood, but lots of references to “Jaws” and I think there was one or two to “Alligator” unintentionally as I give this sloppy gator mess 1 ½ stars.

The Peanut Butter Solution (DVD) – An 80s film that for whatever reason I never seen as a kid or just never tracked down until recently (received a special edition recently after very hard to find for years). This New World Video release has a boy named Michael scared so bad in the burned out house down the street that he loses his hair. After his sister gets involved and they get a spell or such from some ghosts they use it to make a special peanut butter that makes Michael’s hair regrow but it doesn’t stop. Weird stuff happens with the art teacher, kids are disappearing, and apparently the house that burned is haunted. This is truly a weird ass film that could only have been released in the 80s like a “Saturday the 14th” but seeing it now doesn’t do the impact as it did then for people my age that grew up during that time. Glad to see it got a special edition and sure it has a small cult following like one of my favorites “Spookies” as I give this 80s weirdness 2 stars.

Violent Night (On Demand) – It is Christmas Eve and after a drunken stop in Bristol, England, Santa Claus is on his way to deliver presents believing this will be his last year as no one believes anymore. He makes it to the family ‘Lightstone’ compound to visit a little girl name Trudy and that is where a series of misfortunes for our holly jolly hero begin as his reindeer have left him. To make matters worse a group of mercs have descended onto the compound to steal 300 million dollars and they have Trudy as a hostage. Now a reluctant old Santa must make a choice of saving the family or just leave because this is none of his business? This is a wonderful, delightful, blood-filled Santa action flick that I know I will be watching every year around the holidays as the cast was perfect and the story never got dull as I give this film 4 stars! It is a holiday film with heart.

Burglar From Hell (DVD) – A much talked about SOV film from 1993 with a rabid fan base is about a man named Frank “the tank” who breaks into an old lady’s home only to be shot and killed during it. If that wasn’t enough poor Frank is buried in the backyard. Some time passes and some friends have a party at the house only to have a friend have a séance. Of course the young drunken people interrupt the process and up raises an undead Frank to go a murder spree as he rots away. Hilariously rough and gritty but definitely can see why the Indy community enjoys this film as I give it 2 ½ stars.

Runaway Train (DVD) – This 1985 flick has an all-star cast throughout about an older convict played by Jon Voight who shows up at a hard-nosed prison run by the warden played by Jon P. Ryan. From the beginning Voight’s character is planning to get out but he will need some help and that will be a young Eric Roberts who is more of a follower to the older convict. Once escaped it becomes a cat and mouse game between the warden and the two convicts as Voight finds a train for the two. But unforeseen circumstances happen as the conductor has a heart attack and falls off and now the two must decide do they stop it or let it ride to their doom? A well-constructed action/drama that I never heard much about but glad I got to see it as I give it 3 stars.

Bloody Muscle Body Builder in Hell (DVD/Shudder) – Thirty years after a dude butchers a young lady in a home and buries her under the floor boards his son comes to the house. He brings along a psychic and his girlfriend and they all find themselves trying to survive some evil supernatural shit! An enjoyable gooey mess from Japan in 1995 that is very “Evil Dead” inspired that will make international horror fans very happy it has had a wide release as I give it 3 stars.

Hell Roller (DVD) – A sleazy 1992 no budget flick that stars Mary Woronov, Michelle Bauer, Hyapita Lee, and Johnny Legend so of course this had my immediate attention. But the real star attraction of this film is our killer in a wheelchair! A dude in a wheelchair who is homeless, angry, having nightmares, and twitching goes on a murderous rampage after his adopted mother/aunt is raped and murdered one evening. This is one of those flicks that its content will not be for everyone but has an entertainment value of bad jokes, sleaze, and Michelle Bauer of course that will appeal to those who haven’t had the pleasure of watching yet? This entertained the shit out of me as I give it 3 stars and yes full movie is on YouTube… for now. Also I have one question after you watch this: Please explain to me how this wheelchair bound dude was always on a rooftop meeting people?

Baby Ghost (DVD) – Filmmaker Donald G. Jackson project that stars a Joe Estevez as a down on his luck photographer trying to help people escape a building that happens to have a ghost problem. This 1995 film feels more like an unfinished project where they had use of an empty building and eventually got bored and threw in a bad special effect ghost to sell the movie? If anything Conrad Brooks fans will enjoy “Three Stooges-lite” kind of comedy as I give this 1 ½ stars.

Mad Heidi (On Demand) – Casper Van Dien is the president of Switzerland who is trying to have scientists come up with a better cheese for their annual Swiss Day that can make super soldiers for him to control! If that one sentence doesn’t sell it to you then I suggest moving on because this hilarious Swissplotation goes well beyond the point of good taste and involves where the government is tracking down lactose intolerant people to imprison them. Meanwhile a beautiful lady named Heidi has just witnessed her boyfriend’s head exploded by an evil leader of the Swiss army and grandpa blown up. This only serves as inspiration for the young lady in prison to escape and start an uprising against the president and his vision for global domination! In the spirit of “Grindhouse” and “Sharknado” this movie goes for the throat on laughs and at times gore as Heidi slaughters her way to freedom as I give this film 3 stars.

Any comments please send to grossmoviereview@verizon.net or www.facebook.com/grossmoviereviews .

Plus you can always go to the greatest T-shirt place online or if you are in Texas visit the store of “Fast Custom Shirts” where T-shirt Joe is the only place you should purchase your horror T-shirts: Go to www.fastcustomshirts.com and support!