Gross Movie Reviews #511
Deep Blue Sea 3 (On Demand) – This time around has Dr. Collins and her team working the summers at a shark nursery where sharks come by to give birth. The crew is studying the effect of climate change and what is happening to the sharks but a wrench is thrown in the study when Dr. Collins ex-boy toy shows up. The ex and mercs are there because they been tracking the experimental sharks that got away and they need to kill them or capture them by any means! Being the third in the series this sequel doesn’t take a chance but also doesn’t fuck up as it sticks to the formula of recent cheap shark film releases as I give it 2 stars.
Tenebrae (DVD) – An early 80s release from Dario Argento where a popular American writer heads out to Rome for a tour of his latest book. Once there things get weird as a serial killer is killing people the same way they are killed in his book. Slowly people connected to the popular writer are being murdered and the police have no clue. But with each death getting closer to the writer and his curiosity getting the better of him he begins investigating who could be the killer? Call it a Giallo, call it a murder/mystery, whatever you consider this horror flick it is considered one of the favorites among Argento fans as I give it 3 stars.
Wrestling Women vs. The Aztec Mummy (DVD) – A few doctors open up a tomb and find an Aztec codex that could lead to a fortune but now these same people fear for their lives as the Black Dragon have got involved. The Black Dragon is a gang of evil dudes who want the gold for themselves and begin killing the doctors for the codex. The last person left with access to the codex enlists two bad ass women wrestlers to help him keep the codex from the evil Prince Fujiyata who heads the Black Dragon. So the group breaks up the codex in a few pieces even though the Prince gets ahold of most of the pieces he is faced with having his judo-fighting sisters wrestle the women wrestling stars in a match for the whole codex! Good of course defeats evil but that isn’t enough as the evil Prince still keeps tabs on the crew as they use the codex to search the tomb and instead of treasure or gold they must face off an Aztec mummy! The 1964 film has its moments and feels like something you may have seen Saturday afternoons on Commander USA during the 80s but it does not have the fun factor of the Santo films as I give it 2 stars.
Chainsaw Cheerleaders (DVD) – A mid-2000s flick from independent filmmaking legend Donald Farmer about a witch played by Tiffany Shepis, who casts a spell at her death 500 years ago for her soul to survive forever. Now present day we are introduce to an angry redhead named Dawn who is about to turn 18 and just got screwed over by her boyfriend. Of course Dawn doesn’t take kindly to this and tries to cave in her ex-boyfriend’s face which she is faced with go to jail or join the cheerleader squad. Dr. Lacey played by Debbie Rochon believes it would be good for Dawn in the long term if she can do this. Begrudgingly Dawn joins and her first task is to help the squad sell magazines door-to-door. Well Dawn knocks on the wrong door where she witnesses the witch Lucinda to be conjured up through a portal to her time and now Lucinda wants the angry redhead. Now anybody that gets in-between the two just becomes a part of a bloody path that Lucinda makes on her way to Dawn. Throughout the film Dawn is narrating the story and I do not know if this actually makes the movie better, worse, or just something to move the story along. The film has its fun bloody moments, but could have used more chainsaw (since that was in the title), more Tiffany Shepis as Lucinda (she disappears for various reasons throughout), and the rest seemed like filler at times. I enjoy Donald Farmer’s work but a lot of times it feels uneven to me and what the script calls for and what makes it too film could be two different things? Anyway, it has boobs, blood, and a non-running chainsaw most of the time so see if you feel different about the film than I do as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Science Crazed (DVD) – A man named Dr. Frank injects an unwilling woman with his new formula that makes her pregnant and gives birth to a full grown human within hours! I wouldn’t say human as much as a human monster as he hides his face with toilet paper wrapped around his head. This monster stalks the hallway of a building for most of the film after killing Dr. Frank. With each door that the fiend opens in the same hallway that is shown comes a new situation of human or humans to kill in the most hilarious of ways. My favorite might be the first of follies in this film as we have random aerobics class that has two people go on for ten minutes! I honestly believe this may have been stock footage of someone leaving the camera on and eventually they edited it in because they needed more filler? As the scene goes on I believe all the talking going on in the background is the crew preparing the scene or another scene? Or the runner up scene of the woman who dry humps the fiend for five minutes in a random room! But it gets worse as the fiend enters a cheap motel pool area where only two people can be in the scene at once like a Nintendo game that could only have so many characters on screen at once or everything would slow down… If you are not laughing enough the big reveal at the end when the monster/fiend is unmasked of his toilet paper mask and reveals he looks like someone’s boob with peanut butter smeared all over it. This movie was so terrible it became entertaining and remarkable that someone wanted to issue a special edition of the film and for that I thank those people in charge and give this horrible thing we call a film 2 ½ stars… just because it was that damn funny.
Army of Frankensteins (DVD) – Just in case you were worried I don’t abuse myself enough I decided to watch this flick completely sober and that was a mistake I paid for dearly. This recent take on the Mary Shelley story has an old mad scientist who has taken in an orphan that he named Igor of course. This old dude is busy working on a present day Frankenstein and with the help of the kid/orphan he removes an eye from a healthy male who just got turned down by his girlfriend in a grocery store. Of course one thing leads to another as a switch is pushed and we have a portal open from a possible parallel dimension where cloned Frankies just roam the countryside helping the South fight in the Civil War. All get pulled through this portal and they must help the North win the war and possibly save Lincoln! This was possibly the dumbest movie I watched in the past decade and shame on the critics who try to claim this is a B-movie in waiting. That is fucking horseshit as this movie is a big old pile of shit as I give it 0 stars.
Black Water: Abyss (On Demand) – Since I can’t get enough of killer crocodile movies I knew I needed to watch this long awaited sequel from Australia that has nothing to do with its predecessor. This around a group of people go spelunking into an unknown cave in hopes of finding something they could make money off of doing tours. But a hideous rain storm causes a cave-in and now they are trapped inside with the water rising and a hungry pissed off croc! If you are looking for a serious “animal attacks film” this should fill the void? Or if you are me you want the actress that plays Jennifer in the movie to die 30 seconds in and I almost got it but it was just a tease… Damn filmmaker as I give this serious giant croc film 2 ½ stars.
Monstrous (On Demand) – Two things before we begin this review: first, yes, it is a Bigfoot film. Second, anything I say after this will spoil the sort of twist it has going for it? Anyway if you are still reading two women meet through a craigslist ad to travel from Michigan to Whitehall, New York in the Adirondack Mountains. Sylvia only takes up the offer with Alex because her brother firmly believes this is the same person that was with his girlfriend Dana before she died. The two travel through a couple states and begin to have a connection but Sylvia still feels like she must lie why she is with Alex until they reach their destination. An isolated cabin in the mountains and finally Sylvia comes clean why she is there while Alex comes clean about the Sasquatch that stalks the outside of her cabin. There are glimpses of the Sasquatch trying to get to the cabin but is not happy when Sylvia’s brother shows up and then it gets real interesting as Sylvia learns by accident Alex is a serial killer! It takes a little while to get where they are going but the payoff was really interesting and that was why I feel bad even writing about the film because it is literally one of those movies you will spoil it soon as you start talking about it. A different concept for an often used creature in horror films recently and really enjoyed the payoff as I give the Bigfoot film 3 stars.
Killer Raccoons! 2! Dark Christmas (On Demand) – Holy Rutger Hauer, filmmaker Travis Irvine has earned my respect for not only making a killer raccoon movie. But he did it while doing a parody of ‘Under Siege 2: Dark Territory’! We normal lunatics smell our own… But really prisoner Ty Smallwood now named Casey has just got released from jail after serving ten years for underage drinking. He is jumping on a train to Washington D.C. to hang with his dead girlfriend’s sister to explain what happened on the camping trip several years ago? As Darlene wants answers Ranger Rick Danger takes over the train with his raccoon assassins so they can steal data to hold the U.S. hostage while they sell secrets to foreign powers just like the Steven Seagal less liked sequel. Travis and crew not only deliver the goods but I couldn’t stop laughing as film continued on with the Killer Raccoons being the focus throughout unless it was Casey Smallwood. The effort, the passion, and raccoons trained by the C.I.A. with mini machine guns made this the holiday comedy to watch in 2020 as I give it 4 stars.
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