Gross Movie Reviews #563

The Amityville Terror (DVD) – So entry #16 literally stars no one as a family moves into the haunted Amityville home with a relative. It doesn’t take long before things get weird as the cool sister Shae is possessed by the evil presence in the house but nevermind that as it’s more important for Hailey her niece to fit in at school? As no one is paying attention it becomes clear Hailey must figure out what is going on with this old house before the evil landlord sacrifices them for the greater good of the community. The effects are bad, the story is lazy, and once again somehow the house is able to control stuff away from the home, but don’t let that get in the way of watching this terrible film as I give it a ½ star.

Spine of Night (Shudder) – A pretty cool animated film that fans of such flicks ‘Fire and Ice’, ‘Heavy Metal’, and ‘Wizards’ will really dig! This violent fantasy film features witches, book burnings, great voiceover work, and an ultimate evil that believes he is an untouchable god. A select few take on an adventure that is all guaranteed a one-way ticket to death to stop a god who tries to protect the bloom that gives him his powers, plus we get a witch who returns from the dead to wage war.  All that and a bad ass ending make me give this throwback 3 stars.

The Amityville Exorcism (DVD) – Well Polonia Brothers Entertainment return for entry #17  as they return to Amityville, New York, to try to bring you a scary tale of horror. This time around you will almost laugh your ass right off your body as the demonic force of Amityville has taken over construction materials. The old possessed haunted home is up to its old tricks again as it possesses the contractor and his materials causing him to kill his family. Now that the materials have been used on another home it has infected that home and causing a family and a priest to deal with unspeakable evil. This very well could have been in the running for worst entry of the series if I wasn’t still laughing from the set-up of possessed construction materials as I give it 1 ½ stars for entertaining me for the wrong reasons.

Amityville: Vanishing Point (DVD) – 2016s independent production aka entry #18 is far and beyond the worst entry in the series but we will get to that in a minute. A woman dies in a boardinghouse (yes, a piece of cardboard hanging from someone’s porch written in sharpie “Boardinghouse”) which honest question do those still exist or was this some weird take on that S.O.V. flick from the early 80s of the same name? Anyhow it’s hard to follow but a weirdo attempt at a detective looks into the matter and its occupants as it is believed the boardinghouse itself maybe trying to murder people. I believe this is the first entry in the series that completely distances itself from the original Amityville movie or events? But there is a mention of this unnamed creepy ass town without saying “Amityville”, so I will let you make that determination if you can ever track down a copy of this film. Tracking it down wasn’t easy but can be done?  This cobbled mess features a cameo from Lloyd Kaufmann, a horrible strip tease, a possessed penis, a possible possessed Keith Hernandez baseball card, and rape for no reason. Now saying all that the sad part is it’s hard to give this entry a fair watch because the sound and editing are so bad and so off the movie/DVD was pulled from everything (streaming/DVD copies)! To top it off the so-called filmmakers never fixed it. So no matter what I watch from here on out the Amityville series cannot be any worse than this poor excuse that in reality calling it a film would be an actual compliment as it gets ZERO stars.   

Amityville Toybox (DVD) – Dustin Ferguson takes a shot of interjecting some life into the series with entry #19 or also known as ‘The Amityville Legacy’ almost 40 years after the original. During a 50^th birthday party a gentleman is given an old school musical chimp toy as a present that just so happens to be cursed. It is cursed, because it was there when the original murders occurred. Enjoying or adoring his childhood nostalgia in the toy Mark quickly becomes possessed which causes him to turn on the family. If the chimp wasn’t enough the Amityville fly makes an appearance in sound mostly to annoy possible victims. I’ll give Dustin credit for trying something a little different but just like part four of this series it comes off as a lost episode of the ‘Friday the 13^th’ TV series where the monkey needs returned to “Curious Goods” as I give the film 2 stars.

Amityville Clownhouse (DVD) – Entry #20 aka ‘Amityville: Evil Never Dies’ continues the storyline of “Toybox” with the cursed toy chimp going to a cute couple who picks it up at a so-called junk store. But we are introduced to a clown painting and a killer clown for a few scenes that seem to have no relevance to the overall story as the focus is still on the cursed musical chimp infecting another family. Once the demonic force has done its damage the junk store owner comes in for the cleanup and resale of the item. Not a terrible entry into the series but feels like it should have been just jammed in the mix with the last film to make one story but that is just my opinion as I give it 2 stars.

Amityville Prison (DVD) – Entry #21 from 2017 is completely and truly Amityville free as its other title is ‘Against the Night’ as the Amityville tag was placed on the feature for unknown reasons (or at least when I was looking it could not find a real reason). Anyway, a young filmmaker and friends get the bright idea to go do some ghost hunting at the local abandoned prison. This folks is never a good idea but moving on the filmmaker believes it would be a wonderful idea to get shots of his friends scared until real paranormal shit seems to be happening and cannot be explained. Quickly the group dwindles being killed off one by one by a figure in a Harry Warden-style respirator mask. A couple of small twists makes this a pleasant surprise for the series even though it is by title only and explains to the young kids why it isn’t ever a good idea of running around a dark, abandoned prison as I give this film 3 stars.

Amityville: Mt. Misery Road (DVD) – Entry #22 goes full steam ahead with the story of Native Americans selling cursed land in New York to dumb white people back in the 1650s or something to that effect. Since then this stretch of land has had legendary strange occurrences and considered to be one of the most haunted roads in America. A Florida couple (or what I like to call douchebag and his fake stripper wife aka employee) are intrigue by the haunted area and choose to travel to upstate New York to investigate. Besides complaining they are cold and getting an old dude to tell boring stories they use the last 35 minutes of the film to do a poor reenactment of ‘The Blair Witch Project’. Okay, the ‘Vanishing Point’ entry has a sort of an out with never fixing the sound or editing but this entry is just downright shameful and gives a bad name to actual independent filmmakers who actually bust their ass to put together an actual production. Honestly there are several filmmakers out there that make some of the best horror films in recent years and they cannot find distribution but this piece of shit or so-called movie starring douchebag gets put out there for the masses… There is your answer in what is wrong with movie companies and their standards. Next time do everyone on this earth a favor and flush this dumb shit down the toilet. As I give this NOTHING I hope the company that put this entry out there for a moron like me to find goes bankrupt! Be warned this might be the first film you ever watch that might make you visibly angry to others that it exists?

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (Netflix) – Are all the horror movie fans done losing their F’N minds? Stop it, just like the Friday the 13^th films isn’t this eight or nine? What in the Rutger Hauer are you expecting? Also this newest entry bit hard on the new ‘Halloween’. Now, with that out of the way kids this was a violent fun horror movie with some crazy old dude that lives in an abandoned town with a woman who looks after him. Once she dies from the shock of some young people taking her home and has you wanting them to die horribly immediately when their characters are introduced we get this weirdo wearing a dead woman’s face acting like Leatherface… Meanwhile, Sally has been holding a grudge for 50 years and has returned to get her revenge for her friends from the original film. Honestly horror fans put your shit aside and go watch this film with an open mind and not calling it ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre’. Sounds like an argument I made for the ‘Dawn of the Dead’ remake some years back but whatever point is I just laugh yinz decided three remakes and how many sequels later you are finally outraged? Guess what if you hated 2013s entry then you are definitely not allowed to like this one but that is a whole other conversation. Anyway horror fans calm your asses down and go watch this violent lunatic chainsaw through a bus full of idoits as the film gets done quick with an 83 minute running time as I give it 3 stars.

The Amityville Murders (DVD) – So apparently for the 23^rd entry in case you never heard of the DeFeo murders which started this whole mess or the countless documentaries about the original film and book and what influenced them you get a prequel. For the most part it goes through everything we have already heard or learned about over the years just with a couple big names in Diane Franklin and Burt Young. The film clearly has a budget and not terrible, it is just everything most people over the age of 30 know about. So if you are a newer horror fan? Or maybe you are a teenage horror fan that has been curious about the Amityville legacy? This might be a good starting point for you? Not what I was expecting 23 entries in as I give it 2 stars.

Amityville Cop (DVD) – So entry #25 comes in at a brisk 68 minutes concerning a couple of detectives, a captain with something to hide 20 years ago, a cop being sacrificed, and it happens to take place on New Year’s Eve. Imagine ‘Maniac Cop’ got shoehorned into a cop comedy and was watchable? Hard to imagine but it actually was watchable as I give it 1 ½ stars.

The Amityville Harvest (DVD) – Took it long enough to do something stupid… again but entry #27 comes up with a vampire story. A documentary crew heads to an old funeral home for a project that concerns liquor during the civil war or something? They all get something more than they bargain for as the caretaker Mr. Vincent Miller explains the real story about the Lincoln assassination and then begins to slowly feed on the crew. Try to ignore the weird and creepy close ups of Mr. Miller during their documentary project part of the film it will just annoy you as I give the film 1 star.

Bigfoot’s Bride (DVD) – First time independent director Erick Wofford really tries to do something different with the Bigfoot legend but fails miserably. Basic premise of this film is Bigfoot aka ‘Wrong Turn’ extra aka a bad looking twin of Jason in Friday part seven aka or my favorite term for him “GENERIC BIGFOOT” who also is wearing overalls, hates messy dudes, and enjoys drinking a hot babe’s urine. Yes, kids that is the whole film! Yikes, I couldn’t stop laughing how terrible this was as I give it 0 stars.

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