Gross Movie Reviews #348

By Tim Gross

Wyrmwood: Road of the Dead (On Demand) – It is easily one of the most anticipated horror films since Rob Zombie’s “House of a 1000 Corpses” and has the tagline “Mad Max meets Dawn of the Dead”! I am here to tell you horror fans nothing can live up to that fucking hype. Very good flick but not legendary so tame down your fat peckers and bloated vaginas horror fans. The first good thing it got going for it is its ‘Australian’! Second, its gory as a mother fucker… But here it is, some weird shit happens overnight, like “Night of the Comet” shit people where stars are falling and people notice. But next morning some have turned into some crazy ass flesh-eating beings… Zombies! With a twist! Apparently, their breath is methane and they get faster at night as all the world’s flammable fuels have become water. And anybody that has A-negative blood type is immune to the zombie virus. Most of the film centers around two characters in Barry and Brooke. Barry just killed his daughter and wife and has blown his attempt at suicide so his next best option is trying to find his freaking hot artist of a sister Brooke who has been captured by some so-called government folks and is being experimented on. I totally understand the tagline while watching the film but my only problem with the film and it could be me nit-picking at it is the film is not sure what exactly it wants to be: that serious zombie flick, the zombie-comedy, the crazy ‘Peter Jackson type zombie flick, it seems to not make up its mind especially with the ending it gives us. Don’t get me wrong I really enjoyed it but let’s not anoint a film before we have seen it. I give the cool flick 3 ½ stars.

To Hell with a Bullet (DVD/Amazon Prime) – A story about a singer named Billy who has been in a heavy rock band for over ten years and they have never got their break. One day down on his luck Billy is fired from his own band, his girlfriend wants to kick him out, and on top of that he just happens to kill his stripper girlfriend by accident. But things are looking up as Billy goes to see this voice doctor dude who is going to help Billy get his voice back. From there Billy gains a new friend who doesn’t care his stripper girlfriend is dead, he gets his band back, and a record producer is coming to see the band this coming Friday night. The story has been done in several forms over the years in short film, TV series, and so on, so it’s a logical choice to get a flick under your belt and put out there for the masses. I enjoyed the film from Vick Wright originally from the UK. I understand why he would go this route, but the film focuses way too much on the music than story and it’s a little long (106 minutes). That doesn’t mean it’s a bad film as much as it means to me Vick Wright to get a feel of filmmaking in Hollywood. The film has great direction, good music, great presentation, but would have loved to see more of the voice doctor/Satan character as many filmmakers do not flesh out this character enough usually due to restraints by the studio? I may have not like the flick as much as some horror fans will but what it shows me is Vick Wright hasn’t found the right project for his talents… I give the flick 2 out of 4 stars and wish him luck in the future. You can get the flick at this link:  http://www.amazon.com/Hell-Bullet-Timothy-V-Murphy/dp/B00WL8LTO0/ref=sr_1_1?s=movies-tv&ie=UTF8&qid=1431389442&sr=1-1&keywords=To+Hell+with+a+Bullet

Splatter Asylum (DVD) – A rereleased film from legendary independent filmmaker Todd Sheets from 1996 has found its way to DVD. Rudy has bought a mansion he wants to turn into a club but finds out the hard way it’s haunted during a house warming party he was having for friends. The friends find a book or journal all about the haunted house and all the fucked up shit that went down many years ago. The film is a crazy gooey mix of “Killer Party”, “Night of the Demons”, and ‘Lovecraft’ without the budget. But hey it’s Todd Sheets and I will watch anything that awesome mother fucker makes as he made the “Zombie Bloodbath” trilogy! I give it 2 out of 4 stars and more about the film can be found at: www.zombiebloodbath.com .

2020 Texas Gladiators (YouTube) – Not totally sure if its available on DVD but for the love of Rutger Hauer it is directed by Joe D’Amato and written by George Eastman under different names in all its Eye-talian glory! What you need to know: it’s a post-apocalyptic film set in 2020 where the so-called New World Order takes over an energy refinery and Texas Rangers come to fight them. No there isn’t no Chuck Norris… No there isn’t any Kevin Nash or Scott Hall… But there is random death and rape in this mish-mash of a flick that is like a couple scripts mashed together! So thank you George Eastman for not eating babies in every movie and giving us this random crap… I give it 2 stars.

Escape from the Bronx aka Bronx Warriors 2 (YouTube) – Don’t get me started on trying to explain which is the real sequel, this flick or “The New Barbarians” with Fred “the Hammer” Williamson as it’s more confusing than Charles Band’s “Puppet Master” timeline. But if you are a fan of the original “1990 Bronx Warriors”, get your motorcycle with the plastic skull on it and your Mark Gregory poster out as it picks up shortly after that. The evil rich dudes that failed to kill off the gangs in the first flick decided they had about $10,000 left from the first film’s budget and Henry Silva was in town so they made a sequel. Only in this flick ‘Trash’ aka Mark Gregory comes up with a plan to capture the evil president dude to stop the extermination of the people of the Bronx. Problem is the film leaves you thinking there may be a third film and it’s not 1983 so I am not sure if Enzo G. Castellari still has a unproduced script lying around. I give the flick 2 stars and well worth knowing it exists!

Wheels of Fire (YouTube) – A film from 1985 that not only is a bootleg of “Mad Max” but may have bought the left over props from the first two films down to the cars. Our main character ‘Trace’ rolls into a nomad town to see his sister who may have the most topless scenes in one movie ever made. Well of course Trace slightly upsets the nomads and they are after Trace and his sister. Trace’s sister gets kidnapped and raped often as Trace is busy doing his super bootleg version of Mad Max and meets another girl named “Stinger”. They have sex, she dies, and then he remembers to go save his sister. Amazing stuff folks! It is truly the closet Mad Max rip-off I have ever seen and for that I am grateful as I give it 3 stars.

Whispers in the Gloom (DVD) – Another rerelease onto DVD from legendary independent filmmaker Todd Sheets that was released in 1998. Aliens have landed and they just happened to be in a small town where a man who claimed to work at Area 51 calls into a radio show that gets shut down shortly afterward. The radio host and guest who happen to be an action star soon rock out in a Ford Tempo and must use kung fu to defeat aliens! Only Todd Sheets could make this shit happen besides the Polonia Brothers and it is acceptable! I give the very entertaining film 2 ½ out of 4 stars and can be found at www.zombiebloodbath.com .

Mother’s Day Massacre (DVD) – A skinny dude named Jimmy has always wondered who his mom was as he hates his father who mistreats him and his girlfriend on a regular basis. After his girlfriend encourages him to go to this mysterious old redneck backwoods town, his friends get murdered by two weirdos! Jimmy soon finds out his dad was more than just your average asshole and only realizes when it’s too late that he wants to bang the neighbor girl. It’s weird, it had massacre in the title, it is a slasher, and has a couple cool make-up effects, so of course I watched it as I give it 2 out of 4 stars and can be found at www.midnightreleasing.com .

Bread Crumbs (DVD) – Well if you ever wondered what would happen if Hansel and Gretel were evil and happen to stumble upon a porn crew who happens to be filming their latest project in a well hidden cabin you have your movie here… I give it 1 ½ out of 4 stars.

Endgame (YouTube/DVD) – Another 1983 post-apocalyptic flick that has George Eastman, Al Cliver, and Joe D’Amato all involved in the year 2025 where New York City is in radioactive ruins. The film literally predates “The Running Man” by a few years but turns into two different movies 30 minutes in when the lead character is asked by a mutant to help her and friends to a safe zone outside the city for gold. This flick may have the all-you-can-eat menu of post-apocalyptic Eye-talian flicks as it jams in ten different plots into one great film that has the “Rocky 3” ending.  If there was a film I would have to point Eye-talian film fans to it would be this classic as it has everything you could want as I give the flick 3 ½ stars. And let me take this time to thank George Eastman and the character ‘Ninja’ for bringing me this entertainment!

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