Gross Movie Reviews #445
Blood Slaughter Massacre (DVD) – Some murders happen at a small party in Havenwood. The killer was never found and was nicknamed “The Ripper” but many in the community buried any news about the horrible event. Ten years go by with no clues or any murders and then “The Ripper” strikes again. The detective who was young and just started on the police force when the killings first took place is determined to find the killer no matter what. The film has an okay slasher concept and runs with it but the biggest problem is the camerawork sucks and the running time is two hours long. You find someone that knows what a tripod is or understand there are cameras with downloadable apps for steady-cams and understand 40 minutes of this flick could be edited without even thinking then we are talking a much better horror film. Saying that it is worth a watch if you are weird like me but take it with a grain of salt as I give it 1 ½ stars.
Video Nasties: Moral Panic, Censorship, and Videotape (DVD) – This documentary that was released in 2014 gives you a crash course in what was the “Video Nasties” and what started it in the UK. About 70 horror movies being released in the early 80s sent certain groups of crazy people into frenzy to ban certain horror movies because of their level of violence. It took years for people to reverse this trend in the UK as horror movies were delayed in being released to video or just never seen at all. The documentary dives into people being up for fines or imprisonment for just owning an uncut version of “The Texas Chainsaw Massacre” or “The Evil Dead”. This led to a whole new ratings system that just upset everyone anyhow. A very interesting look into what most horror fans over the age of 30 only heard about. I give it 4 stars.
Video Nasties: Draconian Days (DVD) – This was part two of the 2014 documentary that dives deeper into the “Video Nasties” but how the censorship went way beyond that. Hell I thought the U.S. had it bad with the MPAA? Over in the UK it was to the point certain normal cartoons were being censored or pulled because one dude was like “Yep that is going to corrupt kids, cut it or pull it completely”. It was some crazy shit going down. It was no longer horror movies into the 90s as it expanded to all genres of film. The BBFC basically help start the black market for uncut horror films in the 90s… Interesting stuff folks as they even talk about the horror conventions in the 90s were there but you had to have the special invite to get the good stuff or uncut flicks. Once again I give it 4 stars.
Lady Terminator (DVD) – Oh just your typical crazy foreign flick about a woman anthropologist who goes out to sea to investigate the disappearance of an evil queen from centuries ago. She disappears only to be captured and have her tent hole to be entered by a CGI snake that possesses her with an evil queen from the past that fucks dudes to death. Yes kind folks that is pretty much the plot of this fucking gonzo flick. Once bored with dudes on the beach she heads to the mall, a dance club, and even gets in a car chase with a police officer which isn’t fully explained. But hey who cares as she is banging dudes to their deaths! One of those movies you will think I made up but have to watch just to make sure as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Dangerous Seductress (DVD) – Six years later there is a sequel of sorts to “Lady Terminator”. The Evil Queen returns when a nutzoid car chase goes down and ends in a horrific crash that leaves gore everywhere. This blood jump starts The Evil Queen to partial life but when a stupid American girl named Suzie reads some ancient text for no apparent reason this bring The Evil Queen to her. Now, Suzie becomes possessed and given the powers of darkness which include banging hot dudes to death! Will this sexed up killing spree ever end? Maybe… but still not as entertaining as “Lady Terminator” so I got to give it 2 stars.
Urban Cannibal Massacre (DVD) – A 2013 independent flick from ‘Ghetto Hollywood Pictures’ that was just pooped out there in existence without anybody telling me about its greatness! The film takes place in Akron, Ohio where the Jones family is a well-respected family of a small community. The secret of the family is they feed on the homeless and only like the white meat. The Jones family does not believe in eating their own kind. The only problem this prospering family has is the youngest daughter is a vegan and thinks it’s absurd the family carries on the tradition of killing poor white people and feasting on them. No one in the community suspects anything weird with the Jones family especially with having friends that know about their business for a certain price. But this family is about to be outed when some college friends come to town looking for a missing friend and they find clues that lead them to the Jones family. These college kids get more than what they bargain for when they mess with the Jones family especially when the young daughter Kendal is in love with one of them. Hilarious storyline and an amazing amount of awesome gore make this wonderful movie a treat for gorehounds as I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
Scratch (DVD) – German killer rat movie sounds awesome at first but what starts off great falls apart in the second half of the film when they go away from the storyline… Which is killer rats fucking rule people. I was disappointed as I give this mutant rat flick 1 star.
Evil Bong 777 (DVD) – I thought I swore off watching this series but who am I kidding as this is a Full Moon feature. No matter how much I believe this series makes Charles Band look like he has no passion for filmmaking anymore and it just insults the original Full Moon fans, you know I had to watch it. Eebee and friends are back from ‘Sexy Hell’ (don’t ask that would require me caring to watch Evil Bong 666 sooner than later). Of course first thing back you gotta go to Vegas to see a puppet sex show. Then after that the friends head to a cheap haunted hotel to relax. But that doesn’t last long when Evil Lucy cuts of the head of Satan in Sexy Hell so she can return and get her revenge. And by the way the story will continue in part eight whether you want it to or not. But the main reasons for watching this film is pretty much Sonny Carl Davis but also Robin Sydney who I consider a wonderful actress. Robin with her work has probably become 1C in actresses for me as I declared Tiffany Shepis and Debbie Rochon 1A and 1B several years ago. I give the film 1 star for the mere reason it wasn’t a 60 minute Full Moon ad!
Dr. Alien (DVD) – Here is a weirdo bottom of the barrel sex comedy from David DeCoteau in 1989 that stars Billy Jayne (Parker Lewis Can’t Lose fame) as a college freshman who has trouble with the woman. Well lucky Billy Jayne’s character (Wesley) his Biology teacher is killed searching for an U.F.O. and a hot young lady shows up to be the new biology teacher. Oh yeah she is from outer space and convinces Wesley to allow her to experiment on him with a new vitamin that makes a thing come out of his head and girls want to bang him. Wesley all about the extra credit believes it works but the girl he is after is just a girl that likes him for being him. In the end we come to find out that the hot biology teacher is from a planet that is dying and they have trouble breeding and needed to test her experiment on Earth! Hilarious crap I cannot make up as I give it 3 stars.
Mutant War (DVD) – Another diamond in the rough I found while searching all the movie channels as Brett Piper writes and directs this 1988 post-apocalyptic sequel. Harry Trent is wandering the wastelands five years after “Galaxy Destroyer” and stumbles upon a young woman who needs help from a mutant. He helps and she enlists Trent to break out her so-called sisters who are held captive in a compound by a shitload of these mutants. But it isn’t as easy as it looks because the mutants obey a crazy old human who has intentions of taking over the world! Fun low budget stuff from Mr. Piper that I feel like deserves some kind of box set edition for more fans like me to see more often as I give this flick 2 ½ stars.
Munsters Go Home! (DVD) – This is one of test movies to know if your favorite horror fan is legit. The show was fun but the movies are hilarious and this 1966 classic set it all up for future laughs. Herman Munster has just inherited a lordship and properties in England. So Herman and the family pack up at 1313 Mockingbird Lane and head to Munster Hall to see what it is all about. But there is some of the Munster family in England that doesn’t believe Herman deserves any of it so they spend their time trying to scare him. When that doesn’t work they come up with a plan to kill him in the yearly car race that is between several families that live around Munster Hall. If you don’t find this movie funny seriously there is something wrong with you and you might have to start questioning your life choices? I give it 4 stars.
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Don’t forget you can also hear Kyle Poling and me talking about horror flicks on a weekly basis on the Bloodbaths and Boomsticks podcast at: www.bloodbathspodcast.blogspot.com/ also available at http://www.stitcher.com/podcast/kyle-poling-2/bloodbaths-and-boomsticks?refid=stpr
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