Gross Movie Reviews #510
Camp Killer (Blu-ray) – David Lightfoot is a small town masked serial killer who has supposedly been stalking the woods for years. After the last body count Tina Wilcox just happens to be the lone survivor of the latest slaughter in the woods. But what looks like the usual paint-by-numbers independent slasher flick changes in a heartbeat as minutes later we see the small town sheriff and the notorious killer meet up at the local bar to have a drink together. Their discussion involves how dumb humans can be over the past 30 years as they keep coming back to the woods to get killed. But here is the kicker there is a story behind why the brothers are making sure many people keep getting killed over and over. Thirty years ago they made a pact with the devil and they are almost at 666 kills, then its retirement for the brothers. But if Tina has it her way the brothers will get it in the end. This was an enjoyable, smart, very bloody slasher film that separates itself from the usual slashers as I like to give it 3 ½ out of 4 stars.
Maniac Farmer (Blu-ray) – A punk named “Blasphemous Rex” is about petty crime, he is all about the violence and how his little gang of punks needs to step it up in their country bumpkin town. Rex wants to kill people for no reason, no motive, just to keep the police guessing as they try to track down the mysterious killings of this country town. But next on Rex’s list is a quiet farmer who doesn’t bother with anyone and takes care of his mother. The farmer of course doesn’t take to kindly to the violence that is trying to be inflicted on him so he captures the punks himself and turns the tables on them. The film isn’t bad at all it just should never run longer than 30 minutes. It gets to the point quickly and just becomes a dull mess that you see the ending coming immediately as I give the film 2 out of 4 stars.
Ark of the Sun God (YouTube) – A mid-80s adventure film about a master thief that is set up by a former agent of Scotland Yard; to do an impossible job in Istanbul. Rick Spear (David Warbeck) is talked into searching for a mysterious scepter by this Lord Dean. Starts off kind of interesting but becomes full schlock by the halfway point and keeps going downhill from there. I give this mess 1 ½ stars.
Her Name Was Christa (DVD/Vimeo) – James L. Edwards an independent acting vet dips his toe into the writing and directing waters with this curious project. The plot involves a man named Steve who is in his 40s, single, and just quietly going through life. Then one day at work Steve meets a new co-worker who becomes quick friends with Steve and believes Steve needs to get back out in the dating scene. But Steve is looking for love not a quickie! The new best friend pressures Steve into trying a hooker and eventually explaining “The Girlfriend Experience”. First time out goes bad but by accident Steve strikes it rich when he is eating at a diner alone. When Steve sees a pretty young lady out front and strikes up a conversation, Candy soon becomes interested in the arrangement they make for Candy to be the fake girlfriend. After several dates and things going well for both Steve loses his job after a disagreement but Candy/Christa admit her love for Steve and wants to take it to the next level. I could see the plot twist coming but surprised how far it goes… Is Steve just broken or insane in this slow burn film that takes a creepy and uncomfortable turn in the third act that will have the sleaze hounds applauding for hours afterward? A very twisted love story with an insane payoff as I give the film 3 ½ out of 4 stars.
Blood Vessel (On Demand) – It is almost the end of World War II and there is survivors in a raft that got off their sinking ship but are in much bigger danger as they have no food or water. Hopeless and not sure what they can do a German ship comes near but no one is aboard. With no other alternative the survivors board the ghost ship. They find food but also see the ship is about to blow if they do not turn the engines off and let them cool? But the survivors soon find themselves in even a worse situation when they figure out they are not alone and the cargo on the German ship is alive… sort of. From there it turns into a wonderful creature filled bloodbath as I give it 3 stars.
Gehenna: Where Death Lives (DVD) – Paulina is heading to a resort in Saipan to see if it is ripe for a real estate transaction. The land is considered sacred by the natives but they also believe it is cursed. Paulina and her crew just need to make sure they get the whole layout before they go on with the sale but during the surveying they find an old bunker from WWII. The group goes exploring so there is no surprises during the construction of the new resort. But once in the group is locked into the bunker and things begin to change and they must face an unknown evil. Not a bad concept of a film but the upsetting part is once you have watched it you will say “there isn’t any point to it?” For that I can only give the film a ½ star for Lance Henriksen showing up for 30 seconds.
I Had a Bloody Good Time at House Harker (DVD) – It is present day and we meet the great grandchildren of Jonathan Harker. Yes, that Harker from the famous Dracula story. Well his great grandchildren are dysfunctional and they still own the skull of the last vampire killed in 1912. The Harker family is given one week to leave their home as they have no money to keep it. Now a serial necro-rapist invades their home to rob them of their riches they do not have and instead unleashes a vampire into the town when he bleeds on the skull before he dies accidentally. The Harker family and best friend don’t wannabe caught with a dead body so they dump it which when found rumors start about vampires and the Harkers have come with an idea to save their home. This lower budgeted horror comedy hits on all the right notes and is one big gore fest when needed as I give it 4 stars. And if that wasn’t enough they promise werewolves in the sequel.
Book of Monsters (On Demand) – Sophie when she was a kid always had her mom read her stories of these monsters in this weird book until one night a monster took her mom away. Now it’s her 18th birthday and her friends are doing it right for her until monsters that took her mom are now crashing Sophie’s party! As the monster bloodbath occurs Sophie must rally the friends and put a stop to the murdering monsters before they capture Sophie and use her for their spell! I really enjoyed the film for its monsters; the whole backstory of Sophie’s mom was “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”, but my only complaint was it felt choppy in parts. But this horror film is still a must watch for monster fans as I give it 3 stars.
The Barge People (DVD) – Two couples head off to the countryside to hang out and party in a barge that slowly moves down the stream. Unbeknownst to them besides the weirdo couple they pissed off and now this country couple wants a piece of them, they are being stalked. This isn’t your ordinary stalker but some weirdo mutant creatures that seek outsiders and take them to their own barge for lunch. They are quick, strong, and ugly! If you just need a weirdo creature feature ‘The Barge People’ will give you your fix as I give it 2 ½ stars.
Glerbrot (DVD) – Or for most people the title is ‘Broken Glass’ a TV flick from Iceland in 1988. Bjork plays a young woman whose family commits her because she never listens or comes home on time. Once there is she is abused until she escapes and meets up with her boyfriend. Or all you need to know is an Iceland art film. I give it 0 stars because I was hoping for some crazy Icelandic monsters and shit!
Sinners (DVD) – A short film about a man who died during an accident for three minutes and has come back different. He goes to a church to bare his soul but is really there to kill him! Pretty cool concept I give 3 out of 4 stars too.
Lady in the Walls (DVD/YouTube) – A short film where the plot of the film about a boarding school in 1958 where two older girls take the younger new girl into a den with history and tell her the story of the “Lady in the Walls”. Of course they just try to scare her and shut off the lights only for her to disappear. Years later an old woman goes to see if the legend is still true. I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
Scared to Death (DVD/YouTube) – This short film involving the famous Drew Marvick who has a zombie knocking at his door. Next thing you know Drew is running for his life as he believes the zombie invasion is on! I give it 3 out of 4 stars.
Play Time (DVD/YouTube) – In this short film a woman is being haunted by a terrifying spirit in her home. This wasn’t horrible but there wasn’t much substance to it as I give it 1 out of 4 stars.
The Family that Prays (DVD) – A short film that has a group of young people going to their local haunted attraction. But this haunted attraction is looking for dinner and they have some help… I give the short film 3 out of 4 stars.
Vibes (DVD) – A hilarious film about two psychics (Cyndi Lauper and Jeff Goldblum) hired by Peter Faulk to help find his son in Ecuador. Once there they learn they are there actually to find the “City of Gold”. Along the way the two psychics start to fall for each other but must help to get to the “City of Gold” first as there are others looking for it for evil reasons including their doctor friend played by Julian Sands! There they find out it isn’t gold but the epicenter of psychic energy that could have someone rule the world. Yeah it is a super corny movie but Cyndi Lauper is hilarious, Goldblum is Goldblum, we got Julian Sands (Warlock himself), and fucking Colombo people! This will be a rewatch down the line for sure as I give it 3 stars.
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